How to deal with disrespect in a toddler?

[AaronsMommy]

Hi everyone, I desperately need help in how to deal with my 3.5 year old's behavior.  We have always used gentle discipline since he was born.  But recently, he has been incredibly rude and defiant to both of us, but especially me.  We try to allow him as much control and choices as possible, but whenever we ask him not to do something or direct him away from something that is dangerous or he has been asked not to do, he gets EXTREMELY mad and aggressive.  He has also become really sneaky, doing things he knows are not okay behind our backs and tells us, "I like to be sneaky."  He is a very verbal little guy, but despite how many conversations we have about this, it is only seeming to get worse.  We don't believe in punishment or tangible rewards, but there has to be SOMETHING we can do to curb this behavior.  It is really upsetting.  Please help!    

[shademan]

Well if you don't believe in punishment, I don't know what else you can do? 

You have to let a child know that his behavior is unacceptable.  If you aren't punishing him, than he thinks it's ok.

That's just my opinion though.

[nextcommercial]

OK.. I don't have a good answer.  But, someone here will!  They have great ideas.

But, I want to say, (and this is only my opinion)  3 and half is no longer a toddler.  He's a preschooler.  There's a world of difference between toddlerhood and the world of a preschooler.   Is it possible that you haven't acknowledged that he's a little boy now?   Perhaps, he's trying to assert his big boy-ness and you aren't understanding?  

I have no idea really, I just wanted to bring up that possibility.  

[Dar]

I know it's frustrating, but this is a pretty normal part of three and a half. One thing that might help is to remember that even though he understands the rules and can talk to you about them, his ability to actually control his impulses is comparatively low. One thing that can help is to set up the environment for success. As best you can, put the "no's" out of sight and out of reach. Keep a close eye on him when he's not somewhere completely childproofed.

Also, giving him so many choices may backfire. Often with little kids it works better to just carry on with your plan 90% of the time, and if he isn't happy with the status quo then you can bring up choices. I'm not sure if you're doing that or not... it's the difference between, "Let's go downstairs and have some yummy waffles for breakfast!" and "What do you want for breakfast? We have waffles, cereal, eggs or oatmeal?" If  you go with the first and he doesn't want waffles you can go with an alternative, of course, but sometimes it's easier to keep it simple.

Does he have characters that he likes? Sometimes when kids this age are into pretend, you can get them to use more polite and respectful words by alluding to them... "Wait a minutes, you're not Diego! Diego always says 'por favor'.... he never just says 'gimme'." Playfulness can go a long way just in general, especially if he isn't too frustrated yet.

Finally, it's best not to take things personally. You can say something like, "I know you're angry, but Daddy's watch isn't for playing" and he may be angry but that's okay... he's learning to handle frustration right now, and it's hard.

[mnj77]

My dd went through a couple weeks at 3.5 when she was just impossible and relishing pushing our buttons.  It was terrible!  But then it ended just as fast as it began, and she went back to being sweet and easy going.  I think the half year is supposed to be a common time for "disequilibrium," so maybe he's just working through it!  

I would probably try not to engage or really discuss too much.  If he's rude, just say in a neutral voice, "That wasn't polite.  Try again." If he does something he's not supposed to while he's unsupervised, say "you'll just have to stay in the room I'm in for a while because I can't let you do things that are dangerous/destructive/whatever."  Maybe if he doesn't get a strong reaction out of you, the phase will pass faster!  Good luck!

[ssh]

We also don't feel punishment has a place in our family. For dangerous stuff I found explaining why helped with compliance. For example "throwing things in the living room can break the tv or computer and that would be really sad" or " you could slip and fall by running on the hard floor instead of carpet.". With the last example I actually told my DD a story about going to the hospital at about age 4 when I hurt my hand running on my grandmother's hard wood floors. We mainly teach appropriate behavior and manners by modeling. When DD went through a rude and bossy phase right around turning 4, I'd point out the rude behavior and the possible social consequence. For example "shouting at me is rude and can hurt my ears and my feelings" or "that sounds really bossy. Being bossy is annoying and can make people feel angry at you". Repeat stuff along those lines, calmly, a few hundred times. We also talked about what kind of person DD wanted to be and how the behavior we choose is how other people see us. We don't have many possible things that DD could sneak about and most forbidden things are because of safety.

[Think of Winter]

Three is a tough year for parents.  I always thought terrible twos should have been terrible 3s.  They can be demanding, stubborn, and difficult.  But it is normal.  :)   

Applying the label "disrespect" to what a 3 yr old is doing is probably not helping you.  Their behavior is about what they want and need, and is not a reflection of their feelings for you.  I think if you label their behavior as disrespectful, it'll be harder to address.  If you decide they are children learning their way in the world, and doing their best with the resources and skills they have, then it takes the judgement away and leaves you instead with the ability to accept what they throw at you and make the best of it.  If your expectation is that your child will obey all the time, then I can't offer any advice.  Dh and I catch ourselves with that expectation pretty regularly, and then go "whoops, yeah, that's not really what we've been aiming for all this time."  

I also wanted to mention that if you specifically ask your child not to do something, and they immediately do it, that's classic human behavior.  I still do it myself- "don't wipe your fingers on the couch!," and one of my kids (and even our neighbor) will immediately say "and don't think about elephants!"  If you draw attention to what you don't want, you are increasing the odds of it happening.  Maddening, but true.  Same goes for the "sneaky" behavior.  Try to appreciate when your child is truthful and open.  Remind him that you need to know what he is doing because it's your job to keep him safe, and you can't do that if you don't know what he's up to.  I'd discourage him from labeling himself as sneaky.

I would work on the aggression by offering your son other ways of expressing his frustration.  It's also perfectly natural, but it was really important to me to minimize it as much as possible.  

Be kind and patient with yourself, too.  Have faith in your parenting.  If your child's behavior bothers you, it doesn't mean your not doing the best job you can.  It's not easy.  I'm going to say it again, three is a hard year!  

[shimsheree]

I just came to say that I have a 3.5 year old boy too and this age is HARD!  Seriously, it is so so hard.  I just texted my mom this morning telling her that I don't think I'm going to survive parenthood.  I don't know what could help...I'm trying to think.  Does he know that some things are considered rude and polite?  My DS knows that eating with his mouth open is rude, but he does it and looks at me to get a reaction.  lol.  Then when I ask him to chew quietly because it's polite, he usually does.  He's not usually ever that compliant though. lol.  Maybe throughout the day you could point out things that are polite that he does or that you yourself do.  We have a list of family rules on our fridge that aren't actually rules, but just guidelines for how we act in our family.  Through out the day I'll point out that I see him or DD doing one of them, and that's all I'll say.  That helps, when I remember to do it.  ;)

I'm trying to think of positive ways he could be sneaky.  Has he played hide and seek?  My DS just started playing this with me inside our house and he LOVES it.  Maybe you guys could play and he could try to be sneaky while searching for you.  You could show him how to be sneaky and really exaggerate it.  Or outside he could have a container and try to sneak up on bugs or worms or something.

But I hear you.  My DS gets so mad right now about such little things (to us), or if he doesn't get his way, and he'll start yelling and saying "I will break people!  throw things!"  and he'll actually start trying to be destructive and dumping out glasses of water or throwing things.  Yeah, lots of fun right now.

Hugs!