reluctant spouse

[trini]

I would love to hear from folks who have worked through the adoption process with a reluctant spouse.  I have long felt that adoption was a way I would like to build our family.  Over 15 years of marriage, I have brought it up 3 times with my husband and he has always squelched the idea. 

Was your spouse/partner reluctant?  How did a change come about?

There is so much more to the story here, but I don't even know where to begin.

[aja-belly]

is he open to talking about it? does he give reasons?

there have been times that we've discussed it and i or dh had reasons why it wasn't the right time for us (financially or due to our other kids ages). we were able to discuss them and work out our concerns or wait and bring it up later (though it seems like if this has been going on for 15 years the "wait and bring it up later" approach is not working for you guys).

[WifeMomChiro]

Well, since you asked, here is my long story:

During our pre-marital counseling (10 years ago), I told my DH that I would never do medical fertility treatments.  We agreed that if fertility was an issue, we would adopt.  Well, we had the happy surprise of pregnancy and we are blessed with our amazing daughter.  However during her birth, I had a lot of complications.  Several doctors have told me that I will likely have the same problem again and there is a chance that I won't make it through another birth.  My husband is big on "let go, and let God."  I am too, to a point.  However, I've felt God calling us toward adoption for years. 

When our daughter was about 1.5, we went to an informational meeting about adoption.  I still really wanted to proceed, but the money was an issue at that point. 

I think my dh was just waiting for me to come around to the idea of another pregnancy.  He wasn't pushy, but I know it was on his mind.  On our anniversary last summer, I broke down in tears and told him that I never ever want to be pregnant again.  I thought he would be heartbroken, but he just looked at me and said, "Then let's adopt."  What a relief!

Then came the logistics.  We started researching different types of adoption and realized that certain things weren't for us.  We've landed on domestic transracial adoption.  In the Fall, DH told me that he didn't want to talk about it anymore until January.  I guess he just wasn't ready or something.  I prayed a lot and researched more.  As soon as January came, it was like a switch flipped.  We signed with an agency and we are working on paperwork now.  We are still having some issues with various decisions along the way, but we are working through it. 

[Marcimama]

My spouse wasn't exactly reluctant, but more just not sure NOW was the right time. 

We had things to work through for sure. We each had our own ideas and really I ended up just having to wait and hope while he worked through those things. It was hard, but also a really good time of learning and growing personally. 

I ended up just praying a lot for unity in our marriage. I figured either way it would be a good outcome. 

Last fall he told me that now is the time. We had some bumps getting started, but it led us to where we are right now and it is a great place. 

Hugs.

[Serenity Now]

My husband is the same way. He definitely wants to adopt, but he's not sure he wants to right now. He has some concerns, and although I don't share them, I recognize his concerns are very valid.

[trini]

Thank you for your replies and for sharing your stories.  I really appreciate it.

Basically, he sees choosing to adopt as giving up on our ttc journey.  I don't see it that way, but he is certainly entitled to his opinion, and it is just as valid as mine. 

[christophersmom]

We were the opposite, he was gung-ho for the first adoption and I was reluctant. He one day got frustrated and said "If we would have forgone the treatment we would have had a baby by now". That stung becuase most likely he was right. We compromised and started an IVF cycle around the same time we started our MAPP classes. We knew we always wanted a big family so figured that even if we had been successful we would still have taken a placement. I had met a girl the year before that was 6 months pregant and had just adopted her ten month old from foster care. It was the best thing ever adoption wise for us, my cycle ended with a miscarriage and we were certified and got our foster baby M and adopted her several months later. I still once in a while have a twinge for a pregnancy but have started to say that ship has sailed. We now have another placement so my hands are currently full.

[mmpmelmack]

It took Dh a long time to come around, and he did really have to feel like TTC wasnt going to work for us.  I was very surprised when HE brought it up.  Will he read aboput adoption?  or maybe go to a support group?  We havent given up on TTC, although we dont have high hopes, and you know why.  I am around if you want to talk. 

and may I just say....you  are killing me.....first asking for prayers/thoughts on CAPV and then the first post I see when I came here is yours!   man oh man am I dying to know whats going on!!!!