Issues with 2.5 year old (whining and sharing)

[mrsfrenchy]

I need a bit of help with my 2.5 year old DD.   The first issue is that she's really whiny...over every little thing.  Examples:   She asks for orange juice, i say that we're out or that she's had enough for the day, she whines and cries. Or she wants me to read a book to her and I reply that I need to use the bathroom first and then I'll read a book to her right after that, then she whines and cries.  I know that, to some extent, this is just part of being two.  But I need a way to cope with this and teach her ways to deal with frustration and disappointment other than whining (and by whining, i mean its often just the whiny 'noise' and not a whiny way of speaking, even though she's extremely verbal).  On really bad days, we've resorted to saying "You're whining so much that it seems like you're tired.  I think you need to go to bed now." and then telling her to go laydown until she has calmed down and can talk to us about how she's feeling.  ...but I'm not really thrilled with this response.  I need a better approach.

My other problem is that she has some trouble sharing with her 12 month old sister.  I recognize that this is really tough for her age group, but I don't want to sit back and do nothing, either, yk?  Sometimes, she does just fine (and even shows spontanteous acts of 'sharing' or giving DD2 something she knows she would like), but other days, she only wants what DD2 is playing with (and only because DD2 is playing with it).  How did you encourage sharing with siblings at this age without making the older child resent the younger one?

Thanks,

Danielle

[lisavark]

With the whining, we always tell my DD (almost 3 now) that we can't understand her when she's whining. This isn't really a technique since it's actually true; we can't understand what she's saying! Usually she's able to calm down enough to ask for whatever she wants in a polite voice, although sometimes she just can't do that...in which case I generally just nurse her, because that always cures everything. Sorry, I imagine that doesn't help much since you have a younger one and probably aren't nursing the older! But maybe a special lovey or something like that would help her calm down?

And I actually think having her lie down is a GREAT idea. She probably is tired. Mine is always, always, always either tired or hungry when she starts to get difficult. Usually both.

For the sharing, I think even 3 is still pretty young to share consistently, but I started around 18 months insisting that my DD take turns. I supervise this closely: "now it's DD's turn" (wait one minute), "now it's other kid's turn" (wait one minute), switch again. DD learned very quickly that she could handle waiting because she knows the turn will be short. So now I just say, "When you're done with that would you like to give so-and-so a turn?" and usually she'll immediately offer it to the other kid. Mind you, she doesn't have any siblings yet so the necessity of sharing is limited! But I do nanny a younger girl a couple of days a week, and DD has been awesome with her. I insist that the younger child let DD have a turn too. But I try really hard to respect the child who chose the object first--I think it's unfair to make kids stop something they're interested in just because someone else happens to want it. Generally I ask the child who has the toy first if they would like to give the other kid a turn. Then I wait. Usually after a while they'll move on to something else.

Since your younger is only 12 months, maybe you could teach your DD to wait till baby's attention shifts to something else? You could also try teaching her to offer baby another toy as a trade. My DD is pretty good at that trick now and it works great on 12 month olds! Since the older child is the one who cares more about the specific toy and the younger one can usually be distracted to a different toy pretty easily, that might be the simplest solution for now. Of course, it'll only work for a few months, but that's true of all parenting solutions, right?

[mrsfrenchy]

Originally Posted by lisavark 

With the whining, we always tell my DD (almost 3 now) that we can't understand her when she's whining. This isn't really a technique since it's actually true; we can't understand what she's saying! Usually she's able to calm down enough to ask for whatever she wants in a polite voice, although sometimes she just can't do that...in which case I generally just nurse her, because that always cures everything. Sorry, I imagine that doesn't help much since you have a younger one and probably aren't nursing the older! But maybe a special lovey or something like that would help her calm down?

 

A lovey or something is a good idea...I'll have to think about that.  We actually were nursing until recently, but she hasn't asked to nurse in a couple of weeks and I'm reluctant to offer....I'm kind of hoping she's weaned!

And I actually think having her lie down is a GREAT idea. She probably is tired. Mine is always, always, always either tired or hungry when she starts to get difficult. Usually both.
 

I think that sometimes having her lie down is a good idea...but other times, it probably feels more like a timeout to her (though she knows that she's free to come back when she's feeling better)

For the sharing, I think even 3 is still pretty young to share consistently, but I started around 18 months insisting that my DD take turns. I supervise this closely: "now it's DD's turn" (wait one minute), "now it's other kid's turn" (wait one minute), switch again. DD learned very quickly that she could handle waiting because she knows the turn will be short. So now I just say, "When you're done with that would you like to give so-and-so a turn?" and usually she'll immediately offer it to the other kid. Mind you, she doesn't have any siblings yet so the necessity of sharing is limited! But I do nanny a younger girl a couple of days a week, and DD has been awesome with her. I insist that the younger child let DD have a turn too. But I try really hard to respect the child who chose the object first--I think it's unfair to make kids stop something they're interested in just because someone else happens to want it. Generally I ask the child who has the toy first if they would like to give the other kid a turn. Then I wait. Usually after a while they'll move on to something else.

Since your younger is only 12 months, maybe you could teach your DD to wait till baby's attention shifts to something else? You could also try teaching her to offer baby another toy as a trade. My DD is pretty good at that trick now and it works great on 12 month olds! Since the older child is the one who cares more about the specific toy and the younger one can usually be distracted to a different toy pretty easily, that might be the simplest solution for now. Of course, it'll only work for a few months, but that's true of all parenting solutions, right?

These are all good ideas!  We've used trading and such before, but haven't worked on it recently (specifically since her sister has started walking and getting into stuff).  I'll have to reinforce that some more.

Unfortuneately trading doesn't always work well.  My 12 month old DD is fiesty!!  She's rarely satisfied with switching to a new toy and gets mad if you try to sneak one past her.  lol.  I may be able to teach DD1 what DD2's favorite toys are--she may take more kindly to receiving those in a trade.