Before you apply for foodstamps-
- Before you apply, you must first sell your house and move into a smaller place, cancel your internet, sell your computers, sell your new clothes you bought when you had a job, and down grade everything. Because you will need the car you sold, you better buy a cheap second hand one that will cost you in repairs and sucky gas mileage, but don't you dare show up to the groccery store in your reasonably priced vehicle you bought during better times. Once all the money you earned by selling everything you owns runs out, then and only then, may you apply for assistance. You will need it, especially since you don't have a car to get to a job in. If you had a cell phone with a three year contract, you must shell out the money to break contract because it makes me angry to see you with a cell phone while you use government assistance. If you have brand name clothing you should sell that for 20% of what you bought it for and use that money to buy new clothing.
- If any well meaning friends or family give you a gift you must sell it immediately on ebay.
- You must never pay more to purchase an item that is higher quality and will last longer. You must pay every few months to replace cheap items that wear out.
-You must not get pregnant, or be previously pregnant, or have a young infant. Foodstamps may totally offset the cost of that infant, but that is
cheating the system. Do not get pregnant so you can have food stamps.
- You must not ever have a night out. The best way to find a job is to meditate by candlelight. You canceled your electricity already, right?
- You must not ever celebrate your children or partners birthday. Only children whose parents are not colossal screw ups are allowed cake. If you absolutely MUST have a cake for an important celebration, for example your child is dying and will not make it to their next birthday, you may purchase the raw ingredients to bake your own cake, but you may not buy a premade one. That is a frivolous use of my tax dollars.
- You may not buy junk food. My hard earned money is not going toward you drinking Mountain Dew and eating Fritos for every meal. This is why poor people are so fat.
- You may not buy organic food. I can't even afford to eat organic, and you want to eat fancy organic vegetables? No way.
- You may not buy fresh produce. That is a waste of money, especially if it goes bad before you use it. If you must buy fresh produce, follow these guidelines.
- No expensive fruits such as raspberries or cherries. This is frivolous. Bags of local apples will do.
- Stick to cheap root vegetables like potatoes or turnips. Considering making cabbage soup.
- If it sounds exotic, it is right out. Skip over those pomegranates, dragon fruits, or persimones.
- You may not buy canned produce. It is high in sodium and too expensive. You should be cooking everything from scratch.
- You may not purchase frozen vegetables. They loose their nutrients and don't give you enough bang for your buck. I don't want to fund your malnutrition.
- You may purchase meat, but only if it is cheap and tough.
- You may not purchase hot dogs and balogne, that garbage will make you fat AND poor.
- You may not purchase steak, that is only for hard working tax payers.
- You may not purchase ground turkey. It may be healthy but it is too pricey.
- You may not purchase any pre made foods, food from a box, frozen dinners, or deli food to go. Since you are a filthy lay about who does not have a job, don't have children, and are not looking for work or working two jobs to try and make ends meet, I know you have lots of time to be up at 4am to make bread from scratch, dehydrate your cereal, and make stew from beef ends.
- You should live on ramen and mac and cheese and 99 cent bags of pasta.
- You should make healthy wholesome meals from scratch every day to balance your diet.
- Don't smile or laugh when you shop. You do not deserve to feel happy when you are sucking up my money.
- Don't look sad or broken when you shop. It mat stir pitty or unease in me, and that makes me feel uncomfortable for enforcing these rules.
- Practice an appropriate look of shame and gratefulness in the mirror every day, so you can achieve an eyes down slumped shoulder look whilst purchasing food. I know you sold your mirror, so use the mirror in the burger king bathroom. Don't purchase a burger.
- Understand that because of your lowered place in society, myself and others will speak about you with disdain. If you have ever accepted government assistance of any type for any period of time, you may not comment on this. You may not use the terms classisim, racism, or minority whilst engaging myself and others who pay for your mistakes. Even if you were on assistance for 1 month during college 20 years ago, you can't have an objective opinion about this.
- Public libraries, public school, public roads, community centers, community parades and events, fire and police services, and other government funded programs are different. They just are. When I am talking about government programs I am talking about the ones you use, not the ones I use.
Follow all these rules and you can avoid being too much of a shameful loser.
Don't follow of all these rules and you will be relentlessly belittled, shamed, guilt triped, talked about, and reviled for years!
OP- if you qualify and need the help, apply.
What is with the mentality of some of the comments here? Low income don't deserve anything nice? Cable TV is bad? Considering all the channels you can have access to on even the cheapest basic plan, it's still less than going to the movies. And it is something to enjoy daily vs one movie night a month. Internet is used not only to post at MDC, but also for learning, entertainment, job hunting, etc. Pets can be fed well and cheaply.
I've not been very active here lately because of the rampant judgment. This thread is a prime example of why I rarely come here anymore.
ETA: I removed a couple cuss words
I actually went to the website today and printed off all the information so we can call the lender next week and figure this out.
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