Shannon: I wish you luck, mama. I completely understand your fears and I wish you peace getting through the next few days. Keep us updated after your ultrasound.
AFM: Today is a bad day. It is the EDD of the baby that I lost last summer. Not only that, it is my mom's birthday, so at some point today I'm going to have to put on my game face and pretend all is fine when I see her to wish her happy birthday. Leading up to this, I really believed that I would be ok today. I feel like I did a lot of very healing grieving over the last several months and that I am in a better place. But then last night I had two horrible nightmares. One was very strange, but really not related to pregnancy at all. The other was, of course, a miscarriage dream. In the dream I had to pee so I went to the toilet and when I wiped, there was blood. Then I realized that there was blood streaming out of me. Then I had the sudden urge to push and the baby came out. It was so tiny, but it seems like it was about the gestational age of the baby I'm currently carrying, not the one that died. Also, I was able to determine that it was a girl, while I have had a gut feeling that the baby I lost was a boy. Bottom line is, I believe that the dream was about losing THIS baby, not the one I already lost...which is a horrible feeling to be having at any time, but so much worse on this day of all days. The worst part of the dream that really made it more like a horror movie than a dream is that I put the baby on a plate that also contained my husband's dinner and when I gave it to him, he ATE the top half of the baby!!! WTH?!?!? My mind is truly warped right now. I swear, I'm crying just typing this out because it was so horrifying. When I woke up this morning my bladder was so full I felt like I was going to wet the bed, but I was terrified to use the toilet for fear that my dream would come true. It took me like 10 minutes to convince myself that I had to get out of bed and just go to the damn bathroom! Of course there was no blood and I'm still pregnant and everything is as it should be, but I'm totally freaked out today. I really don't know how I'm going to get through the day. I have an appointment with my HB midwife on the 11th and one with my OB on the 14th, so I know I'll be able to have a doppler heartbeat check soon. I just need to find a way to get through the next week and a half without having a full on panic attack.