Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama
Originally Posted by Jeannine
How, exactly, do you determine that THE reason a man is fighting for custody is to get back at the mother? Please. There is so much useless generalizing and subjectivity in psychological statistics.
Eh, can't prove it in OP's case, however, the fact that her fiance wants to voluntarily terminate his rights so that he doesn't have to pay child support (which also means he wouldn't even have the ability to go to court for custody), but in the same breath is thinking about someday, in the future, trying to get full custody....well, those 2 sentiments REALLY don't add up quite right. And I'm not really sure if there would be any reason other than to get back at the mom, b/c a parent who is concerned about their childs well being enough to seek custody isn't going to want to cut legal paternity ties right?
Actually, your response supports my point.
At the risk of being repetitive, if you go back and read what she wrote, the OP tried to explain that her fiance DOES care about the best interests of his child and NOT just getting out of child support:
1- Thanks to the mother's choices (moving across the country; concealing her contact info.; giving the dad no notice when she and the child are going to be in town, such that he could meet the child...), so far there is no relationship with the OP's fiance that the child would be traumatized to lose.
2- The mother's behavior and hostility; the dad's lack of funds for attorneys (or trips to WA); and the distance would all make it extremely difficult for the OP's fiance to form a relationship with the child.
3- However, there IS a father-figure in the picture for this child: the mother's fiance.
4- If the mother's fiance would adopt the child, and no one ever told the child about the OP, it could save the child a lot of heartache throughout her life. She could have a married, loving Mommy and Daddy, instead of having to figure out how to deal with a far-away Dad telling her he loves her and wishes he could see her more and do more for her, but he can't afford to; while the Mom and Step-Dad she lives with are telling her Dad never wanted her, doesn't care about seeing her and is a deadbeat.
5- When the OP talked about how financially strapped her fiance is, everyone jumped on the idea that he doesn't want to share what money he has with this child. Well of course it's scary if you can barely figure out how to keep the roof over your head, to contemplate a new financial obligation. But the other significant point that seems to have been glossed over is, if he has no money, he can't be made to pay very much in C/S, so his help is not going to make a big dent, to a child whose mother is already on public assistance and living with her parents.
I.e., the little bit of C/S he'll wind up paying arguably does not warrant the heartache the child will suffer, knowing about the OP's fiance, if she could instead be adopted by the mom's fiance.
When mothers admit they're not ready to raise a child and give it up for adoption to someone who IS, it's selfless. Well, from what she wrote, the OP's fiance is looking at his situation the exact same way. He believes it would be better for his child if his ex's fiance were allowed to be Dad and he (admittedly, foolishly) hopes giving up his parental rights would facilitate that. But because he's the father, you and other members assume it's selfish and only about the money.
When the OP posted again, trying to defend herself/her fiance, she mentioned that the two of them had talked about seeking custody. She said this to show that he DOES care about the child and WOULD like to be part of her life. But in her 1st post, she made it clear her fiance had decided to give up his parental rights, if he could; making room for the stepfather to adopt his child. So, seeking custody was something he thought about and rejected. Besides, you have kids, right? Do you think RAISING them is CHEAPER than paying child support??? I sure don't.
But again, he's the father. So, he doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt. You don't think, "He learned he had a child, wanted a relationship with her, talked to his fiancee about seeking custody, but decided that wouldn't be best FOR THE CHILD." You're certain that he wanted to take on all the expenses of raising her FULL TIME (with no financial help from the mother, who's on public assistance), S-O-L-E-L-Y to save himself the expense of C/S."
Well, if THAT is an adequate way to conclude that this father is among the alleged 70% of custody-seekers who DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN and ONLY want to get out of C/S and hurt the mother, then it IS INDEED right to be skeptical about the accuracy of those statistics!