Educating the gifted child affecting choice to have another child

[pranava]

I guess I'm wondering if others have been in the same boat, and looking for advice, solutions, or new ways to look at my situation.

DS is almost 2, and I know the commonly expressed opinion, is that it doesn't matter if he is gifted or not.  True, whether or not he is gifted I will treat him the same as I would any child and enrich his life by following his lead and interests.  But, I have heard so many of the parents here face difficult situations regarding education when their gifted children reach grade school.  For this reason, I have started researching schooling options in my area. 

Public school here is good, but offers no advancement or enriched opportunities for kids until 4th grade, and then it's just once a week and they are bused to another elementary for a half day of classes.  I don't think this sounds ideal.

There is an awesome private school with tuition just slightly less than I pay for daycare now, so I could swing it. 

Now - my dilemma - I want two children.  I cannot afford daycare for 2 at once.  I was counting on waiting to have the second child until DS was in public kindergarten or close to it, so his daycare expense would be over.  I don't know if he will end up needing more than the public school can offer, but the possibility is affecting my decision about having another child.  An excellent education is a lifelong gift - so is a sibling.  I don't like feeling like I may have to choose one or the other.

I know I'm overanalyzing - it's just my nature ;)  Anyone else ever worried about this? 

[whatsnextmom]

We knew we wanted two children and the first being gifted didn't alter our plans at all. I guess for starters, I never really expected my kids would have everything or a perfect education or anything of that nature. True, having a second child and extending my time as a stay-at-home/part-time working mom and did limit what we considered options for schooling my eldest. However, we honestly wouldn't have changed a thing. Schooling, well, it's only a small part of our lives. Family, that's much more meaningful in the long run.

I think it's very important for you to understand that none of us can plan out what our kids are going to need and want in the future. What seems like a poor choice now when your child is still truely a baby may be an excellent choice when they hit 5. What a school seems on paper isn't neccessarily all they have to offer. My eldest started kindie extremely advanced in a school with NO gifted programming at all! And yet, this school gave her a grade acceleration, subject acceleration, in-class differentiation, leadership opportunities and a staff who truely cared about her. I never would have guessed our little district could have done so much for both my kids and frankly, I wouldn't have ever known had we not tried it! Not to mention, things change. What you want changes. Circumstances change. Options change. Believe me, I NEVER would have guessed we would be on the path we are on now when my eldest was not yet two but I'm certainly happy with how things have been working out.

There are plenty of reasons to have an only child... personal preference, health, infertility, finances. There is absolutely nothing wrong with only children! If YOU want another child though, don't use your first child as an excuse not to do it. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to them.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

There are plenty of reasons to have an only child... personal preference, health, infertility, finances. There is absolutely nothing wrong with only children! If YOU want another child though, don't use your first child as an excuse not to do it. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to them.

OP, I don't think you are going to to literally say you won't have a second child because you can't afford private school for the first one, but I think if you are internalysing this at all, get it out of your system. As whatsnextmom says, it isn't fair to anyone. And there are tons of reasons to have an only child, as well as tons of reasons to have more than one. And there are always accidents as well, which turn out to be the best thing that could have ever happened. I loved my husband so much I wanted to have his baby. Then I loved my DS so much I wanted him to have a playmate. OK, that is overly simplistic. But sometimes the really profound choices in life need to be made for the most beautiful, simplistic reasons of all.

[physmom]

We're in a very similar situation in that we're very worried about affording private school for two.  Where we live now public is just not safe, at all, so it's not even an option on the table (actually public schools have a national policy of no acceleration/differentiation).  Add into that that homeschooling is illegal here (well, and I enjoy working too so there's that) so basically private schools are the only option.  We weren't planning on having a second for a little while because of the financial issues involve and some other reasons too but it turns out life had a different plan for us and we're now expecting a surprise baby in Sept. :D

Basically, we're not quite sure what's going to happen. I really, really want a multi-age environment with child-led learning. So we've found what looks like a great Montessori school and are hoping to send DD there but it's expensive! For one in the full-day program we're ok but two would be really hard for us. We're hoping they might give us some sort of deal for siblings and DH is also going to look into getting some extra grants at work, which would help supplement our income. We're also trying to convince the in-laws to move to the same city as us (I doubt this will happen but, who knows?). If that's the case we could send the kids to half-days and the price would be cut in half. I'd actually prefer that since I don't think a full 8 hour of schools is needed every day. We've also considered hiring a nanny for the afternoons but just don't know at this point.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though we don't have concrete plans in place there's a lot of options out there that we didn't see at first when we planned on waiting. you just kind of end up working with what you have available. Good luck!

[sublimeliving]

There are ways to supplement a public school education. EPGY (Education Program for Gifted Youth) through Stanford University offers online classes that are self paced in elementary school. Your ds could start doing 6th grade work in kindergaten. They offer english and math for elementary school. It starts in kindergarten, but depending on ds's test scores (especially if he's reading), he could start early. As quickly as your son prefers to pace himself is how quickly he will go through the grades. For instance, he could be in Algebra I in elementary school and they continue through university college credit classes. epgy.stanford.edu I pay about 150 per month per class for elementary classes. You could speak to your local public school about accepting the credit for the classes that he takes. 

There is also a program offered through Northwestern that starts in grade 3 -http://www.ctd.northwestern.edu/gll/ 

Your son may be able to start before grade 3 depending on his test scores. 

[pranava]

Thanks sumlime!  Those are awesome options I didn't know existed.

Ah, if only I could have an accident baby, but when you're in a same sex relationship - it just ain't gonna happen ;)

[Grace and Granola]

Pranava- as you said,  "An excellent education is a lifelong gift - so is a sibling."  And I couldn't agree more.  The thing is, as others have mentioned, you can supplement your children's education, but you can't really provide a substitute for a sibling.  If your child is gifted, you won't be able to stop him from learning.  As the involved parent that you are, you will be in tune with him and figure out ways to meet his needs no matter the situation.

[physmom]

I suppose not!  But then all the kids you do have will just know they were wanted very much.

Originally Posted by pranava 

Thanks sumlime!  Those are awesome options I didn't know existed.

Ah, if only I could have an accident baby, but when you're in a same sex relationship - it just ain't gonna happen ;)

[LauraLoo]

There is always a chance that school (public, private, charter) won't even touch your child's educational needs - gifted or not.  

And on that note, here's a great book for some food for thought:

http://www.amazon.com/Guerrilla-Learning-Education-Without-School/dp/0471349607/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296777460&sr=8-1

[St. Margaret]

The fact that DD is gifted makes me want to give her the four siblings she wants lol but at least we have one little bro so far and we'll likely have one more.

She needs a lot of interaction.  she'll need people to star in the shows she writes and watch her shows and do experiments with and stuff.  we'll be homeschooling and that means more kids will be right there to socialize (altho there are a ton of kids her age in the neighborhood who are HSing too). 

I was gifted (not like her I think, tho) and I just got scholarships to college, didnt' pay a cent of my own money; got expenses for travel and living in fact!  figuring out homeschooling costs will take thought from me, but the library is awesome :)

I figure if she or a sibling turns out to be crazy gifted to where they NEED a special program I can't HS then someone somewhere will help pay for it.  Otherwise she is already aces at teaching herself, and I'm not worried about her, as long as I don't let some school program get in her way, make her bored, etc.  If I had to send her to school so I could work, I'd still be supplementing so same kind of thing.  And there are charters already around here that didn't exist when she was showing how gifted she was at one, charters with a huge focus on gifted ed.  So you never knwo!

sorry nak

[Tigerle]

Believe me I know where you#re coming from - I have been worrying about middle school for DS when he was 2. I am sort of in the reverse situation that knowing we were absolutely going to have more than one was one factor in deciding against the superexpensive private language immersion program for preschool - because we knew that we might afford some years, like just preschool through K, or just the grades, for one kid, but not many years, and not for two or more. So we decided we could go that route and try to make it work financially if the low-cost options did not work out at all, if it was clear DS needed it, then try to meet DDs needs, which might be quite different. And for a while the low-cost Catholic neighbourhood school worked great, everything was okay. These days, we have run again into a hitch with the school, so I am second-guessing again, wondering whether DS might have fewer difficulties in the smaller program, whether they might have worked with us better, or not. And my health is bad. And my career is on indefinite hold.... But DD is here! A real person, very much wanted, even by DS, even though it does affect him very much having to share me. And I wonder whether they are going to develop expensive passions, will need music lessons, camps, whatever...but I feel that intense passions lead to young people making things work, striving fof scholarships etc. I made going to my dream university happen myself. Maybe my kids turn out to have a dream school and together, we may make that work - they have strengths to show. More children make everything more difficult, there are always SO many reasons against having more children.

Except the one - they are wanted.

[RiverTam]

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, gang aft agley.

I put DS1 (3rd grader, gifted and learning disabled) in a private Montessori School starting in K because the local public school doesn't start gifted education until 4th grade. (The public school has a one day pull out program and they group kids in the classrom.)  It went well until  this year; DS zoomed through the work they had for him. We were really happy with it. This year has been difficult.  The principal finally said that they don't know how to differentiate the curriculum enough for him because he's too far past what the other kids are doing.   We tried him in the upper elementary classroom (4th - 6th), but he doesn't want to be there because he says he doesn't fit in. The upper el teacher says "I don't know what to do with him. He already knows most of this stuff."  They don't know how to design a curriculum for him. They don't know what their expectations should be.  He's bored and frustrated because the classroom expectations for him are not clear stated. We're going to try the public school next year because clear cut expectations in the class room, a one day pull out program and classroom grouping sounds like a gift from heaven. 

DS2 (K)  is going with him. DS2 is also gifted. He's highly social, highly verbal and advanced in math. The Montessori School has started to complain that he doesn't like to work alone. Well, then...  He may be better off in an environment where the work is more group oriented and less one-on-one.  We asked DS2 what he wants to do and he wants to go with his brother.

My kids are bright and curious and like to read. We can do enrichment at home.

I didn't get any differentiation or gifted education until high school. Yet, somehow I survived.

[Linda on the move]

Is there a reason to believe that your finances will always be exactly what they are right now?

When my oldest child was 2, we were doing OK, but we were a little tight month to month. My kids are now 14 and 12, and both attend private school. One is in braces, and the other has Invisalign. And we are planning a very nice vacation for next summer because we could use the time to connect. 

This lifestyle seemed completely out of reach 12 years ago, but my DH has risen in his company.

[pranava]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Is there a reason to believe that your finances will always be exactly what they are right now?

When my oldest child was 2, we were doing OK, but we were a little tight month to month. My kids are now 14 and 12, and both attend private school. One is in braces, and the other has Invisalign. And we are planning a very nice vacation for next summer because we could use the time to connect. 

This lifestyle seemed completely out of reach 12 years ago, but my DH has risen in his company.

Unfortunately, my financial situation could not get much better than it is now.  If I stop commuting an hour and 15min each way to work in a bigger city, then my finances will likely decrease substantially.  Unless I go to law school or something, or take a second job, I don't see potential for increase.  On top of that, my child was donor conceived before I met my current partner, so he's solely my financial responsibility. 

Any single parents out there with no child support homeschooling your kids?  How do you do it?  I guess that's probably a better question for the homeschooling forum. 

Anyway, thanks for all the good advice from you all.  I guess you never really know what schooling will work best for your child till you get there.

[Linda on the move]

Send a private message to Dar. She's a moderator and homeschooled her DD most of the way through school, and is a single mom. I don't know how she did it.

[Casha'sMommy]

Originally Posted by pranava 

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Is there a reason to believe that your finances will always be exactly what they are right now?

When my oldest child was 2, we were doing OK, but we were a little tight month to month. My kids are now 14 and 12, and both attend private school. One is in braces, and the other has Invisalign. And we are planning a very nice vacation for next summer because we could use the time to connect. 

This lifestyle seemed completely out of reach 12 years ago, but my DH has risen in his company.

Unfortunately, my financial situation could not get much better than it is now.  If I stop commuting an hour and 15min each way to work in a bigger city, then my finances will likely decrease substantially.  Unless I go to law school or something, or take a second job, I don't see potential for increase.  On top of that, my child was donor conceived before I met my current partner, so he's solely my financial responsibility. 

Any single parents out there with no child support homeschooling your kids?  How do you do it?  I guess that's probably a better question for the homeschooling forum. 

Anyway, thanks for all the good advice from you all.  I guess you never really know what schooling will work best for your child till you get there.

Any chance you'd move to that "bigger city" or are you set on lovely Bloomington? (I'd stay in Bloomington if I were given the option;-)

[alexsam]

I was going to say... Take it one step at a time. Until you are (closer) to actually enrolling, these things can change so much in a few short years. There is absoluely NO way to fully see your child's educational path (through 5th grade even!) especially when they will be taking a non-traditional route. So much depends on fit (even year to year). A public school you might think sucks may have some teachers or gifted ed. coordinators that rock and it turns out great. As other mentioned, a private school might seem like a logical choice but not work out. Then there are other options- after school or suppliment programs, homeschooling (or a homeschool/public school mix that many districts support), etc. And, at 2 years old, you may have an idea of what you are looking at, but by the time this child is 5 or 6, this will be a related but different picture (as you will have a stronger sense of exactly what types of things you will need in terms of school specifics).

If you want two kids... I say have them. Parenting is FULL of question marks. You never know what will happen and so you gotta take the big steps and fill in the rest. And, as much as you believe you are settled in your job, you never know with that as well. The world is a big place with lots of opportunities and though you may not be able to imagine it right now, I betcha $5 that in 10 years you will have experienced things that have changed your day-to-day life significantly.

I totally get stressing way ahead and planning everything. My little heart of hearts aways wants to know what is coming. But, this is the way life rolls.

[spedteacher30]

Originally Posted by pranava

Unfortunately, my financial situation could not get much better than it is now.  If I stop commuting an hour and 15min each way to work in a bigger city, then my finances will likely decrease substantially.  Unless I go to law school or something, or take a second job, I don't see potential for increase.  On top of that, my child was donor conceived before I met my current partner, so he's solely my financial responsibility.

I know you didn't ask this question, but as a fellow mother of a donor-conceived kiddo, I have never understood how having a child when in a relationship works if the non-gestational partner is not also going to be a parent. And, I wouldn't personally be able to be in a long-term relationship with someone who didn't feel some responsibility (emotionally and financially) to my son.

So, since you are in a relationship with someone, I wouldn't have another child until there was agreement as to how the potential child would be parented. And, as a child of divorce, I would have freaked out and felt totally rejected if my stepfather had sent his kids from his first marriage to the private school we all attended and not sent me as well. So, while my mother had ultimate financial responsibility for me, my stepfather paid for plenty of things that I benefited from and I can't imagine ever having it another way.

that said, we definitely feel that we have a trade-off between private school and another child--especially since the act of GETTING PREGNANT is so expensive when you are missing one of the necessary gametes. thankfully, the private preschool we were in made that decision for us, and ended up being a total disaster, so now we are eagerly anticipating public kindergarten next year.

[loraxc]

ITA with alexsam. And I say that as a mom whose first kid's needs may end up putting us up a creek WRT the second kid (we are probably about to pull her from her charter to the gifted magnet, leaving us without a good plan for K and 1 at least for DS for the time being, since he will lose his sibling spot). Having a sibling has been enormously beneficial to very intense and naturally self-focused DD, apart from the fact that I can't imagine life without him, of course.