Should we go home?

[GMum]

Hello Mamas, I'm sorry , this is probably going to be a long post!

I first moved out to Canada for grad school 14 years ago. I married a Canadian and have lived in Canada ever since. We have moved all over the country and moved to a small northern town in BC 3.5 years ago and had a daughter (who is now 3 years old). We are both 38. I love it out here - it is quite a hippy, artsy, quiet little town, great wildlife, a real sense of community and we have made a lot of wonderful friends. I feel like I have made so many significant improvements to my life on a personal level since I have been out here including health, happiness and spirituality. Just so many things I have overcome and accomplished and feeling so much better I left the UK wishing never to go back because I had a lot of things I needed to work through and now that I have, I feel a strong pull to go back to live. I've always felt homesick at different times but have managed to override it and make a nice little life out here. It's taken a lot of work and effort to get to here....

and here comes the BUT....( well several actually!)

My hubby's family live in the lower mainland - it's only a short flight away . They have the money to fly out to see us but choose not to. Most of his siblings live there too ( he is from a large family). We largely get ignored by them because we live out here and we are different ( read crunchy!) and yet the expectation is for us to always visit them. We have both found this increasingly hard to accept since our daughter was born - we may as well not have any family living in Canada. ( I'm trying not to rant on this one!). I would love for her to have a close relationship with extended family but they have made it clear it is not going to happen on their end. They always 'forget' her birthday and sent nothing for her for for Christmas either ( sigh, not going to cry again).

Hubby has an okay job in that it is stable. Doesn't pay much and he has no chance of promotion or pay rise for 10 years and it has a very high stress load. He can't see himself staying in it much longer. It's a small town and very few jobs for both hubby and me ( when our daughter is in school). It is 4 hours to a city but that city doesn't have any real cultural activities that interest us. We are not city people but like to have access to one for culture.

All my family live back in the UK. Our relationship with them is radically different than the one we have with DH's family. They call, skype and email many times a week, send DD lots of bits and bobs in the mail, talk to her on the phone, and travel a long haul trip to see her* every year* for a month at a time. I have one elder sister who lives in Lincolnshire. My parents live in Lancashire. I also have cousins, aunts and uncles and one or two old friends scattered around the country.

We haven't been able to afford the time or money to travel back home for 7 years. We are going this year but won't likely be able to afford it again for a few years. My parents have visited us every year we have been here, faithfully. Last year though, I noticed how much older they were getting and it worried me. I know they will not be able to make the trip much longer ( they are 68). Their friends of similar age are getting sick and some have passed away. They have a wonderful connection with our daughter - it's amazing to see them together and is very important to us. My sister and the rest of our family are really looking forward to seeing our daughter and would be so happy if they knew we are considering moving back.

So, recently, I've been wondering what the heck I'm doing out here. It's so lovely but it can't last forever and I feel this really strong pull to go back home. No guilt or anything. Just a strong pull back to my 'home' to raise our daughter and let her develop this wonderful connection with my family. Hubby is in agreement. He often watches shows from back home and brings up the subject of moving or remarks on how accessible places are.

So where's the problem? I am going to miss what we have here and the friends we have made. I remember it feeling crowded back home. We have no jobs lined up and the thought of selling everything up and moving us all is scary ( we have two dogs).The situation in the UK is bad economy wise. We are trying to find a small village type of place that is kind of hippy or old-fashioned ( if you know what I mean), quiet countryside but close enough to a city for work and cultural activities for our family ( I miss historical castles!). We'd have to live in a cardboard box since we'd not be able to get a mortgage and will have $50k to cover everything - new car, new house, etc. we are not fussed about a big house but privacy is nice.It seems so much more expensive in the UK. It seems daunting and impossible! A move like this for us would be permanent since we have no money to ping pong and want stability for our daughter too. I don't have CDN citizenship either. I have worked so hard to find my feet and make friends out here and I am scared I won't get that back again if I move. We'll be starting over again at 38....

I know that nowhere is going to be 100% perfect for us - there will always be a trade off but right now family seems to be an important value to us....is that a good enough reason to move?

I suppose what I am trying to say is that we are still trying to make a final decision - moving back makes no financial or security sense but it does make intuitive sense....are we completely crazy?

What do you think? I'd love some advice/thoughts/suggestions....

Thank you so much,

GM

[AngieB]

I would move back to be closer to family. I've stayed in the same town my whole life to be close to family. DH and I could have moved but made the choice to raise our children around their large extended family. Can you stay with your family until you get on your feet in the new country?

[GMum]

Thanks AngieB,

Yes we can stay with family for as long as we need to which is great. Do you mind me asking - do you feel you have made any sacrifices to be around family and if so, how have you handled them? What have been the most important advantages?

[greenacresmama]

Oh Dear! Huge HUGS! I am-right-here-with you!!! I am in Honolulu bound to East Coast some where? And not into getting into the Southern life that is where two dear members of my family are. I face intolerence! It is something so real, that my sis there (on a mini farm with a custom home!) said, "LOOK! I KNOW what you are thinking, facing, hoping for! And I have wanted to move from here since forever! But DH has a stable job and such, so that is why we love it here now." They found their homeschooling clan and everything. We are jumping into a un-found class B RV and going to figure it out on 3/3... so much more to my story... DH's fam - just like your In-laws so.. but they live in more of an organic land.. Hard.. hard! 

I have a tiny bit of advice...Living here in Honolulu has shown me how powerful it is to take care of our ohana through their oldest of ages. It is something that my mother (DH's parents are gone now) is going to really bank on, We see how much children here learn to take care of their own parents just by seeing other's do it. It is something good for your own security! Are we going to be picky? Not really.. I mean I think we will be fair and stand tall.. some places like NYC we might shreak.. but really.. The opportunity to be around our kids will make us live longer and happier! We will be their for them and teach them (through homeschooling) that the family/community is the route to love and prosperity... we are going all in! 

I think it takes a lot for us to go back to un-crunchy places and clans! I totally agree that my health, happiness, everything has been tons enriched in Honolulu.

I hope that you start to think way outside the box. Like finding a duplex for sale that you could rent out for half the year and travel? Do other things? And your parents can be on the other side? These little things... planning for the future and how you can both be happy! 

It is something that my mother is facing.. she is still pretty young.. but I think she is very interested in where I am moving because she loves my kids so much... I worry about her all the time alone.. I want to love her so much! The thing is.. she is kind of attracted to the cheapest places... not into all the kinds of things I love to do.. It is hard.. I am trying to get her to travel more north.. but the NC is holding her because of my sister... sadly a sis that will probably not think about the elderly years like I do? Not sure? I also am trying to find a way to open a door so that my mom can stay at both of our homes half time! 

My town dreams are  just like yours!!!! I am hoping to rock out in an van/RV, with lots of interesting maps at my side and find our tribe! 

Saying goodbye (crying) it is the worst feeling in the whole world.. 10 years..20-30 (DH is 45)... I love Hawaii! I still am so scared! But time goes by.. and by.. and then bye.. so.. I know.. and you have to go.. 

Cheers! To Loving Grandparents! 

Edited by greenacresmama - 2/2/11 at 4:00pm

[AngieB]

Originally Posted by Grahnola Mum 

Thanks AngieB,

Yes we can stay with family for as long as we need to which is great. Do you mind me asking - do you feel you have made any sacrifices to be around family and if so, how have you handled them? What have been the most important advantages?

It's a very small town about an hour from anything so the biggest sacrifices have been options. There are not a lot of educational options or extra activities for the kids. We have a very close family with not a lot of drama but when there is drama it's right there in your face. My parents live next door so when my sisters have problems I can't really get away from it and hide in my own world. The advantages are much more than the disadvantages. My children, in 12 years of parenting, have never been left with anyone but family even when I worked full time. I have lots of support. My kids see their grandparents everyday. They have aunts and uncles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents and great grandparents and cousins that they all see regularly.
 

[GMum]

Originally Posted by greenacresmama 

I have a tiny bit of advice! Living here in Honolulu has shown me how powerful it is to take are of our ohana through their oldest of ages! It is something that my mother (DH's parents are gone now) is going to really bank on! We see how much children here learn to take care of their own parents just by seeing other's do it! It is something good for your own security! Are we going to picky? Not really.. I mean I think we will be fair and stand tall.. some places like NYC we might shreak.. but really.. The opportunity to be around our kids will make us live longer and happier! We will be their for them and teach them (through homeschooling) that the family is the route to love and prosperity... we are going all in! 

 

Cheers! To Loving Grandparents! 

Thank you SO much for your advice. This really hit home, I was crying at the end not because I was sad but because I really do think a move like this for family and for all the reasons you say are important and we are teaching our kids the value of family....I really do believe for me, that taking care of parents and enriching our kids lives through family is crucial. I was also very close to my grandparents and my parents took care of them when they grew old. Thank you, thank you! I hope things work out for you too.
 

Originally Posted by AngieB 

Originally Posted by Grahnola Mum 

Thanks AngieB,

Yes we can stay with family for as long as we need to which is great. Do you mind me asking - do you feel you have made any sacrifices to be around family and if so, how have you handled them? What have been the most important advantages?

It's a very small town about an hour from anything so the biggest sacrifices have been options. There are not a lot of educational options or extra activities for the kids. We have a very close family with not a lot of drama but when there is drama it's right there in your face. My parents live next door so when my sisters have problems I can't really get away from it and hide in my own world. The advantages are much more than the disadvantages. My children, in 12 years of parenting, have never been left with anyone but family even when I worked full time. I have lots of support. My kids see their grandparents everyday. They have aunts and uncles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents and great grandparents and cousins that they all see regularly.
 

Thank you SO much for your reply. It is so helpful to hear that advantages are so much more. It sounds so wonderful for your kids to be around their family. I have never left our daughter with anyone but DH and my parents when they come over - but would have no hesitation knowing that she would be happy with my family if I needed to go somewhere.

[greenacresmama]

Granula Mum, I just spoke to my BF yesterday... I pushed her to move to Salt Lake City.. They have so much family there. I saw other things groovy about the place and I told her to go for it! She talked on and on and on yesterday about how wonderful it is. She moved 30 minutes away from her parents.  Her ***Brother** and his wife and child just moved into the duplex right next door! She said she puts the kids to bed, brings over the baby monitor and then goes on a date :O ! How cool is that? She thanked me tons.. for her I knew it would be a special place.. she is very loving and into the highest good.. wow.. she is living my dream! 

On a side note.. my family mostly has showed me (hinted) that 30 minutes is just the right amount of space for living distance. I am not sure all of us have the same kind of outlook. DH and I would be totally into a family compound. Or for everyone to agree on a cool walkable small town that we could all afford together. I am so into families going into something like this. It makes perfect sense to me. 

Edited by greenacresmama - 2/3/11 at 4:00pm

[Hykue]

I don't have any advice, but I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. My family lives in Arkansas, and they get enough airmiles for me and my husband to go visit every year or two, but that's not enough now that I have a neice . . . and really won't be when I have a baby who I want to know his/her grandparents. We're talking about shuttling back and forth every year, spending a few months down there maybe every year. We would have to build a little shack on my parents' land. Your situation is definitely harder with the price of housing and the job market in the UK right now. I'm pulling for you, hoping you can find some way to make it work for you!

[greenacresmama]

Originally Posted by Hykue 

I don't have any advice, but I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. My family lives in Arkansas, and they get enough airmiles for me and my husband to go visit every year or two, but that's not enough now that I have a neice . . . and really won't be when I have a baby who I want to know his/her grandparents. We're talking about shuttling back and forth every year, spending a few months down there maybe every year. We would have to build a little shack on my parents' land. Your situation is definitely harder with the price of housing and the job market in the UK right now. I'm pulling for you, hoping you can find some way to make it work for you!

We are also thinking about this. Maybe in a RV.... would love a "build a guest home here" invite though. We are also thinking of how to stay in a vacation rental.. even thinking the months of Jan-March because it doesn't seem like a whole lot is going on. Not sure though because it may mean that is when the homeschoolers get busy planning around us? Also thinking of maybe just spending those winter months educating my kids (much younger) with my sister's kids? Thoughts are kind of everywhere. It does seem like the perfect kind of months (or maybe Thanksgiving on through Christmas) to be doing projects with sister and having plenty of time to hang out. 

[GMum]

Thank you so much Mamas - it's so helpful to talk it through and hear other people's stories. The economy in Britain is so bad right now but we are going to sit down with our family in June when we go over to visit and see what we can work out. It may take us 2 more years to get home but I think we are really leaning that way. My sister runs a little farm in a lovely little rural area and needs help - we are going to talk about doing up one of the smaller barns for us to live in. Then it would only work if DH got a job in the city nearby. My parents who live 2 hours away would then try and sell their house and move somewhere closer....that would be ideal, a dream come true! Ah, for some patience!!

[momofmine]

We live close to some family and far away from some family.  It is incredible to have family close by, both for support and for the children to have relationships with them.  Sometimes I dream of moving someplace new and exciting and starting all over (like Canada!  Honolulu!  UK! those all sound amazing!) but in the end, we stay here.  I feel like it provides a sense of stability and of home for the kids, and that feels important to us because both DH and I grew up moving around a lot.

Good luck with your decision!  I would consider doing it now and not waiting though, time goes by so quickly!

[greenacresmama]

Two years will go by fast! It does take a lot to plan. Dream boards are really awesome as a helper.. We have been planning for 2 years ourselves! Funny! We didn't think it would be two, but that is what happened. 

[Olma]

We've done it and most of the time I don't regret it. Both my DH and I we are from the same country in Europe, moved to US 14-15 years ago and had a great, productive life.  Once our children were born we started to miss our families, the occasional help, having them around for holidays and celebrations. With me staying home it became almost impossible financially to visit them and  for them as well it was quite expensive to make the trip.

Unfortunately we could not go back to our country mostly because of economic hardship, corruption, etc so we settled to move anywhere in Europe where my DH could find a similar job to the one he had in US. It was just pure luck that his company has a branch in Belgium, and here we are now. It's a new environment, new language, new everything, but it's so much closer to our families, we visit more often, they can come as well and the children can actually have a relationship with their grandparents.

Was it easy to move and get settled here? No. Do we miss US? Yes, yes and yes. But, we do enjoy life here and we try to look at the positives and the bright side (or sunny in grim Belgium) of things. We feel it's the best option for our situation and the best arrangement for our children. I could say in your situation it would be easier to transition, given that you would be going in a familiar (to you) environment, you know the language, customs, etc. But it would not neccesary be true, it's still a new place for your DH and children, still an adaptation and settling process for you as a family not to mention the financial effort it would entail. If you think of not ever moving back, how do you feel?

Good luck with your decision, it's not an easy one to make.

[GMum]

Thanks so much for all your awesome replies!

When I think of not going back?  I feel very depressed, lonely and trapped...guess that answers my question

[greenacresmama]

LOL! Same here! You need to remember that you are leaving a good place that will be even better when you get back, if you want to come back.. remember that it is always there.. you can visit once in a while.. 

How about France? The countryside?