How would you handle this kind of thing? - Page 2

[Juvysen]

I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not, but any chance it's related to food sensitivities? My ds's impulsivity and sensory issues and just plain grouchiness gets worse if he has cow mild (goat and sheep seems to be ok, and butter doesn't seem to cause too much) or apples (of all things!)... anyway, your op struck me as something that could be food issues. I completely understand if you don't want to hunt down food sensitivities, though, because it's definitely an added layer of craziness while you get it sorted out... it's been about 6 months, now, for us and things have become "normal" for us again, at least...

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Juvysen 

I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not, but any chance it's related to food sensitivities? My ds's impulsivity and sensory issues and just plain grouchiness gets worse if he has cow mild (goat and sheep seems to be ok, and butter doesn't seem to cause too much) or apples (of all things!)... anyway, your op struck me as something that could be food issues. I completely understand if you don't want to hunt down food sensitivities, though, because it's definitely an added layer of craziness while you get it sorted out... it's been about 6 months, now, for us and things have become "normal" for us again, at least...

I actually mentioned this in the post that I lost. :)

I'm thinking there may be something, and it's next on my list (after his evaluation) to tackle. However, it's a seriously major, huge PITA, and I can't deal with it right now. We have six people here, and all kinds of disagreements and disparities in our phiilosophies on food. I've also got disordered eating, which flares and ebbs depending on my stress levels. Right now, we're tackling a major reorganizaiton of our living room/office space, and decluttering the whole house. So, once that's done, depending on ds2's status re: his evaluation, I'll look at tackling our food. More and more, I'm starting to think that wheat (maybe all grains) is an issue for ds2 and possibly for me...but dh doesn't believe a word of it, and I'm too foggy to focus on any of it.

I really, really, really need to find a way to get more sleep...

[Think of Winter]

Sorry you're still having a hard time.    It is really intimidating thinking about food sensitivities.  If you believe everything you read, nothing would be safe to eat, and making changes involving kids is very difficult.  Testing for wheat sensitivity is one of the most challenging, too.  Could you try dropping artificial colors and artificial sweeteners first, or did you already try that?  Or perhaps have your ds tested for celiac with a blood test?  Not conclusive, but it would give you more information without a lot of effort.

One thing that's worked really well with my ds's behavior issues is to comfort him, or at least connect with him, when he's experiencing it (even when the behavior is really inappropriate.)  That's worked great for my kids' fighting, too.  If I can just comfort them both in the moment instead of judging, it usually shuts it down right away.  Talk about the behavior later when everyone is calm, but first just connect.  I'm not saying I would be capable of that while ds was pouring soup on the table, though.

Is your dh aware of how overwhelmed you are?  Can he take on a little more until you can get a bit caught up on rest?  Nothing affects my patience and mood more than getting sufficient sleep. 

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Think of Winter 

Sorry you're still having a hard time.    It is really intimidating thinking about food sensitivities.  If you believe everything you read, nothing would be safe to eat, and making changes involving kids is very difficult.  Testing for wheat sensitivity is one of the most challenging, too.  Could you try dropping artificial colors and artificial sweeteners first, or did you already try that?  Or perhaps have your ds tested for celiac with a blood test?  Not conclusive, but it would give you more information without a lot of effort.

We're mostly artificial flavour and colour free, already (some food colouring at birthdays and the like, but that's about it). I do want to dig a little deeper on the food issues...just have to get to it on my priority list (number one is "get through today" lol).

One thing that's worked really well with my ds's behavior issues is to comfort him, or at least connect with him, when he's experiencing it (even when the behavior is really inappropriate.)  That's worked great for my kids' fighting, too.  If I can just comfort them both in the moment instead of judging, it usually shuts it down right away.  Talk about the behavior later when everyone is calm, but first just connect.  I'm not saying I would be capable of that while ds was pouring soup on the table, though.

We do a lot of that. I call it "touching base". Sometimes, when he's been acting up more than usual, he'll kind of catch himself and give me a hug, and say "touch base". It's so adorable...but those tend to be the days where I really, really have to take a breath and remind myself that he's not just trying to get out of trouble...he's afraid of losing the connection. It's really hard not to feel as if he's playing me like a fish some days. :o

Is your dh aware of how overwhelmed you are?  Can he take on a little more until you can get a bit caught up on rest?  Nothing affects my patience and mood more than getting sufficient sleep. 

DH does a ton. He's the one doing most of the reorganizing and decluttering (it doesn't stress him out the way it does me, as he lacks my hoarding tendencies), and he also does a lot of cooking, cleaning and childcare (when he's home, obviously). The sleep is more a personal/health challenge. I simply can't nap most of the time (this utterly bewilders dh, because he's the type who can fall asleep anywhere, any time), and suffer from insomnia a lot. DD2 isn't helping right now, because she's not a great sleeper, and is going through a phase of nursing all night. But, mostly it's just me. I've had sleep issues for...25 years, I guess? Maybe a little more - they started in high school, and I graduated in '86.

I'm looking into getting a mother's helper once or twice a week. I can't nap, but I could at least go upstairs, shut the door and just rest, or do some breathing exercises or whatever. I just have to figure out our budget for paying someone, and then talk to the girl I'm thinking of asking (ds1's ex-girlfriend, who lives just down the block, and the families have stayed reasonably close - she's used to the chaos of our house, and the kids love her to bits).

It's just so hard to be proactive when I'm both exhausted and constantly reacting to ds2.

[laohaire]

I know all about not having enough left to take on another project. Anyway, if you decide to experiment with the grains, I thought it would be helpful for you to know that for me and for a friend of mine, the change in going grain-free was extremely quick. 24-36 hours. Which is good to know because it's not necessarily a project that you have to keep at for 2 weeks before noticing anything.

[Storm Bride]

Never mind - the post I thought hadn't posted is there now. Gremlins.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

I know all about not having enough left to take on another project. Anyway, if you decide to experiment with the grains, I thought it would be helpful for you to know that for me and for a friend of mine, the change in going grain-free was extremely quick. 24-36 hours. Which is good to know because it's not necessarily a project that you have to keep at for 2 weeks before noticing anything.

Thank you! That's actually very reassuring...especially since dh is very skeptical about this, and if nothing is happening, he may be a hard sell.

I didn't realize until I started contemplating going grain free just how many ways we eat grains from day to day. Bread, cereal (even my beloved oatmeal!), rice or pasta with dinner, occasional cookies, crackers, etc.....and popcorn. Just thinking about giving up my popcorn kills me. :o

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by Juvysen 

I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not, but any chance it's related to food sensitivities? My ds's impulsivity and sensory issues and just plain grouchiness gets worse if he has cow mild (goat and sheep seems to be ok, and butter doesn't seem to cause too much) or apples (of all things!)... anyway, your op struck me as something that could be food issues. I completely understand if you don't want to hunt down food sensitivities, though, because it's definitely an added layer of craziness while you get it sorted out... it's been about 6 months, now, for us and things have become "normal" for us again, at least...

 

Yes, food sensitivities are a definite possibility. Ds2 has food sensitivities, and his behavior (tantrums, head banging, being "violent") is one reaction. I'm not yet sure if behavior is a direct reaction, or if the food disturbs his sleep, and his behavior sucks because of lack of sleep. I don't know what exactly the problem food is, but I know what it isn't, and we're staying with this list until I'm sure everything is fine, then adding foods one by one. I've been doing this WAYY too long, but the benefits (calm child with healthy skin and digestive tract) is worth the work.

It *can* be a lot of work to track down problem foods, but you might get lucky and find that it's "only" wheat, or food colour, or dairy, or something. If you want help with figuring out what you can eat if you remove something, I'm happy to help whenever you get there. And trust me, I understand wanting to wait until things settle down :)

Oh, but in the meantime, you could try supps and probiotics to see if those help. Mag and B12 help with some food intolerances and sleep problems. B12 was a big help here. Probiotics and digestive enzymes can help with gut health, which some say is the root of food intolerances anyways.

Does he have sleep problems? or digestive problems? Anything else that could be related?

[Storm Bride]

Becky - you also hit on another aspect. DS2 is extremely sensitive to lack of sleep. If he hasn't had enough sleep, he's an absolute little beast. I have a lot of sympathy - it sucks to be tired - but that doesn't make it any easier ot handle.

We saw the Chinese New Year parade downtown yesterday. I was impressed. DS2's behaviour was excellent the whole time we were there. I think we wore him out walking so far. OTOH, dh ended up carrying him most of the way back to the SeaBus on his shoulders, because ds2 was just wiped. That kind of thing is a lot harder for me to manage when I'm by myself.

[Juvysen]

Well, dh and I went through a phase of being unsure the milk/dairy-free diet was helping, then making, say, lasagna, and having a few days of awful from ds and saying "oh, must be true!" But a few weeks later we'd have talked ourselves into it being a fluke and the cycle would start again. Weird, though: ds had always been a stinky kid... bad breath, gas, and just seemed to have this funk to him... but we noticed after being away from dairy for a while, he actually smells *good*. Apparently it was the dairy that made my little guy so stinky anyway, there's a great book called "is this your child?" That's pretty useful in trying to sort out food intolerances, when you get to that point. It really helped *me* be more compassionate when he was acting up once I realized he really couldn't help it, and it wasn't just him being a pain to spite me or something.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Juvysen 

Well, dh and I went through a phase of being unsure the milk/dairy-free diet was helping, then making, say, lasagna, and having a few days of awful from ds and saying "oh, must be true!" But a few weeks later we'd have talked ourselves into it being a fluke and the cycle would start again. Weird, though: ds had always been a stinky kid... bad breath, gas, and just seemed to have this funk to him... but we noticed after being away from dairy for a while, he actually smells *good*. Apparently it was the dairy that made my little guy so stinky anyway, there's a great book called "is this your child?" That's pretty useful in trying to sort out food intolerances, when you get to that point. It really helped *me* be more compassionate when he was acting up once I realized he really couldn't help it, and it wasn't just him being a pain to spite me or something.

I do know that much. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with ds2, but I know he's not trying to spite us or anything like that. He's just having SO much trouble. I've been awfully harsh with him, out of sheer frustration, several times, and it makes me feel like crap.
 

[Think of Winter]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

I've been awfully harsh with him, out of sheer frustration, several times, and it makes me feel like crap.

I've cried lots of times after dc are in bed, remembering the things I did or said to them.  But you know, we're doing the best we can.  We're human, and not perfect.  A therapist once told me that perfect mothers are not good for kids (if they exist.)  We make mistakes, apologize, learn, and move on.  Be kind and gentle to yourself.

[Storm Bride]

Just thought I'd update. I've talked to the special ed people at the DL I use (I'm homeschooling, but we have some awesome programs in BC where you can homeschool, but still qualify for funding, and get support). They've given me the steps I need to take and some information about how things go from here. So, I'll be making a doctor's appointment for ds2 tomorrow (making the appointment tomorrow, I mean) and getting a referall to a pediatrician. Hopefully, things will move along at a good clip. I have to say that it was actually a huge, huge, huge relief to me to have two separate people who work with high needs and special needs kids validate my feeling that ds2's behaviour is not typical and that something is going on here. I was almost crying on the phone, just out of relief that I'm not that bad a parent and I really haven't been imagining that his behaviour is a little over-the-top.

*whew*

[applecider]

I"m glad you have some support. I know how daunting this all is and how frustrating.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

Becky - you also hit on another aspect. DS2 is extremely sensitive to lack of sleep. If he hasn't had enough sleep, he's an absolute little beast. I have a lot of sympathy - it sucks to be tired - but that doesn't make it any easier ot handle.

We saw the Chinese New Year parade downtown yesterday. I was impressed. DS2's behaviour was excellent the whole time we were there. I think we wore him out walking so far. OTOH, dh ended up carrying him most of the way back to the SeaBus on his shoulders, because ds2 was just wiped. That kind of thing is a lot harder for me to manage when I'm by myself.

I'm not surprised in the least, it's very telling. And this is a great thing. I suspect your little boy needs *much* more physical stimulation, much more to do, a busier schedule. Engaging things to do from morning to afternoon. His sleep might improve.

One possibility, I recommend gymnastics, as many days a week as you can afford. Definitely stimulating, which would address his sensory issues. Your eldest did gymnastics didn't he? Does he drive, could he take him? Also, maybe a fast moving, hard working team sport like soccer.

It's winter time, has your ds's behavior been getting worse since, maybe, November? Is he home with everyone a lot?

Stupid computer. I'll be back.

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

Just thought I'd update. I've talked to the special ed people at the DL I use (I'm homeschooling, but we have some awesome programs in BC where you can homeschool, but still qualify for funding, and get support). They've given me the steps I need to take and some information about how things go from here. So, I'll be making a doctor's appointment for ds2 tomorrow (making the appointment tomorrow, I mean) and getting a referall to a pediatrician. Hopefully, things will move along at a good clip. I have to say that it was actually a huge, huge, huge relief to me to have two separate people who work with high needs and special needs kids validate my feeling that ds2's behaviour is not typical and that something is going on here. I was almost crying on the phone, just out of relief that I'm not that bad a parent and I really haven't been imagining that his behaviour is a little over-the-top.

*whew*

Great update, you deserve the help. Are you still going ahead with the mother's helper?

Seems to me one of the great things about home schooling is that you can adjust it to meet each child's differing needs. It may be that your ds needs more, just MORE, than you personally can give him every day all day. But you can arrange ways to get his needs met.

Think about some of those great athletes, like Michael Phelps. If he was in the house day after day he might loose his mind a bit, start bugging everyone around him for something to do, throw things and generally make trouble. Your son might be a bit like that. If he can find his groove, find ways to keep his whole body engaged and stimulated regularly, I imagine he's going to blossom.

And you will get some much needed relief. Lisa, you're an absolute saint.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by journeymom 


I'm not surprised in the least, it's very telling. And this is a great thing. I suspect your little boy needs *much* more physical stimulation, much more to do, a busier schedule. Engaging things to do from morning to afternoon. His sleep might improve.

One possibility, I recommend gymnastics, as many days a week as you can afford. Definitely stimulating, which would address his sensory issues. Your eldest did gymnastics didn't he? Does he drive, could he take him? Also, maybe a fast moving, hard working team sport like soccer.

It's winter time, has your ds's behavior been getting worse since, maybe, November? Is he home with everyone a lot?

Stupid computer. I'll be back.

His behaviour hasn't been worse since November. It's intermittent, and doesn't seem directly related to how much activity he gets, but he's definitely better when he's more active. He's also had a TON of colds and such this year, which has hampered his activity level, which just all around sucks.

I'm looking into gymastics for both the kids.  (DD1 has a high drive for physical activity, too, but she's the type who just keeps moving, anyway - bouncing, running, etc.) I'm having trouble finding much for his age group. I'll admit that I'm also a little concerned that he'll be very frustrated, as he's not very gifted, athletically....more like me that his older siblings. DS2 is in a dance class and a very high energy Tae Kwon Do class, and those help. When the weather's reasonably decent, he also rides his bike around our complex. But, I definitely need to up his activity level.
 

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

Just thought I'd update. I've talked to the special ed people at the DL I use (I'm homeschooling, but we have some awesome programs in BC where you can homeschool, but still qualify for funding, and get support). They've given me the steps I need to take and some information about how things go from here. So, I'll be making a doctor's appointment for ds2 tomorrow (making the appointment tomorrow, I mean) and getting a referall to a pediatrician. Hopefully, things will move along at a good clip. I have to say that it was actually a huge, huge, huge relief to me to have two separate people who work with high needs and special needs kids validate my feeling that ds2's behaviour is not typical and that something is going on here. I was almost crying on the phone, just out of relief that I'm not that bad a parent and I really haven't been imagining that his behaviour is a little over-the-top.

*whew*

Great update, you deserve the help. Are you still going ahead with the mother's helper?
Yes. I really have to talk to her, and I keep forgetting about it.

Seems to me one of the great things about home schooling is that you can adjust it to meet each child's differing needs. It may be that your ds needs more, just MORE, than you personally can give him every day all day. But you can arrange ways to get his needs met.

Think about some of those great athletes, like Michael Phelps. If he was in the house day after day he might loose his mind a bit, start bugging everyone around him for something to do, throw things and generally make trouble. Your son might be a bit like that. If he can find his groove, find ways to keep his whole body engaged and stimulated regularly, I imagine he's going to blossom.
I also seriously need to fix his inflatable trampoline thing. It works in our small space (because we can deflate it and put it away), and he really loves it...but it has a hole in it.

And you will get some much needed relief. Lisa, you're an absolute saint.
I'm so not, but thank you.

[DevaMajka]

Reading your update, I could just feel the relief over the computer! I'm so glad that you found a path to take, and that you seem happy about it. Yay!