??s newly pregnant with joint custody of DS1

[LuckyMama11]

I tried this over in Blended and Step Family parenting and didn't get a response, so I thought I'd try here.

I just found out I'm (unexpectedly pregnant)...about 4 weeks along.  I have a 6 year old son, who I share 50/50 custody of with his dad.  I dont know how this is going to affect my son and I'm really worried about it!  His dad and I had a terrible separation and custody battle when he was 3, and he spent nearly a year with his dad having primary custody.  I was devastated and terrified that he would be traumatized by the long separations from me, but he did surprisingly well and is a happy, thriving child.  Things are more settled now, and his dad and I get along for the most part.

I'm REALLY worried about how DS will take the pregnancy...me having a new baby, one who will be with me all the time- especially after the messy separation his dad and I had.  Can anyone who has been in a similar situation tell me how it has been having a new baby while sharing joint custody of an older child?  How has the older child taken it?  Has it been especially hard on him or her?  Any vital things I should know about/ consider?  Anything you did to make the transitions easier?

I'm also worried that when my ex finds out he'll be jealous (he's like that) and will take it out on me by using our son as a pawn (used to do this all the time although he has been very agreeable lately ...just worried the hurt of finding out I'm pregnant again will set him off again) and that he'll start the battling all over again which (obviously) won't be good for DS1 at all....

Oh, and for a little background info...my current boyfriend lives with us and has for some time.  DS loves him and he loves DS; they get along great. 

I never thought I'd be someone who would look at abortion as a possiblity but I am so terrified about how this will affect my son!  It is my worst fear that he will feel left out or that he is not a priority/ not as important to me, etc...and so I wonder if termination should be an option so I don't have to put DS1 in that position.

Thanks in advance, so much, for any advice!

Also, I'm not new to MDC...just posting under a different name for privacy reasons.

[bananabee]

Sounds to me like your son is a very resilient child. Personally, I wouldn't do anything that would harm one child for the sake of the other, and I would be more worried that being overprotective of your DS's emotions might lead to narcissistic traits in him. Also, if he grew up and found out that you terminated a pregnancy to protect his feelings, I think he'd be far more damaged in the long run. How would you feel if your mother had done that? Is it a rational fear that your son might have difficult emotions with change in your family, yes. But every child goes through that, not just ones whose folks are apart, divorced, etc. Is there something else that you haven't mentioned that is causing you concern?

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by bananabee 

Sounds to me like your son is a very resilient child. Personally, I wouldn't do anything that would harm one child for the sake of the other, and I would be more worried that being overprotective of your DS's emotions might lead to narcissistic traits in him. Also, if he grew up and found out that you terminated a pregnancy to protect his feelings, I think he'd be far more damaged in the long run. How would you feel if your mother had done that? Is it a rational fear that your son might have difficult emotions with change in your family, yes. But every child goes through that, not just ones whose folks are apart, divorced, etc. Is there something else that you haven't mentioned that is causing you concern?

I agree. It sounds like your son has proven to be a very resilient child. He may be thrilled to have a sibling. Most kids realize they don't like being an only child once the next one is born. I had my second child when my oldest was 6 back then and he did very well with the new baby. As far as the abortion thing. I don't judge anyone in that area. That is totally up to you. If you see that you and your new BF will probably make it together in the long run then think about his feelings too. Make sure to talk to him. Don't go behind his back and do anything drastic. But also think about the fact that this is another child by another man and if it doesn't work out then man #3 later on will have to deal with all of this, custody of two kids with two different fathers, etc. Lots to think about. Hugs!!

[spinknottle]

I just wanted to chime in with a thought.  I was speaking to my mother about this last night (having a second child)

She said that there's so much space between my sister and I because when she had me, she didn't realise she could love one thing so much and she didn't think she had enough love left to give some to another child.  She was worried a second child would take away from me and what she had to offer me.  She also explained that over the years, her friends shared similar thoughts with her concerning having a second child (seems to be that 3rd/4th/5th/etc) were easier to come to terms with.  In the end, there are two of us (should have been a third sibling) and she says sometimes she wishes she had more.  Even though she had those feeling about my sister, before she was born, they were a normal process and ironed themselves out.  She came to understand that she had room for tons of children in her heart, she just didn't understand that at the time.

Having said that, the feelings you're having may be completely normal and have more to do with you rather than your son.  I could see how it might be difficult to come to grips with the fact that your time/love/caring/etc has to be shared between two instead of giving whole-heartedly to one but I can assure you, you're not the only woman who has had these feelings.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

[spinknottle]

Double post.  Sorry

[BabyBearsMummy]

Congratulations!!!

My DD is my only child but at "Daddy's" she is one of three children. Ex didn't have any qualms or concerns about adding more children to my knowledge. I can't be sure since he hid the child's existence from me until after she was born. Only admitting she existed after I called him out about hiding and lying about her existence (Just part and parcel of his abusive manipulation) when a friend of mine happened to spot our DD out with them during his parenting time and asked me how our DD was dealing with being a big sister. I really wish he had the decency to tell me sooner so I could have helped to prepare our DD.  But in the end I have helped her to learn to treasure her special situation. At one house she has all the joys and frustrations of having siblings and at the other house she has the joys and frustrations of being any only child. Although lately she has been telling me she would like me to give her a brother so you can experience what having one of those is like.   I would love to have a whole soccer team full of kids maybe one day I will. But I am very please with the one I have so far and will be happy for the rest of my life if she is all I ever have. We are happy as a family of two and we would be happy as a family of 12.

As for you your worries about you ex's reaction you cannot take responsibility for his actions or feelings. That is something he must do. Please don't go on living your life worried about how he will react. Perhaps your ex will pleasantly surprise you and if he doesn't I am sure you will be able to deal with the consequences with great grace.