Problem at daycare - am I overreacting?

[DasMaedchen]

I work at my child's daycare, although not in her class.  She is 3.5 years old.  For the last 3 school days in a row (Friday, Monday, and today) her daycare teacher has had the children have "silent lunch"  where they sit in the DARK and eat their lunch with the lights off and are not supposed to talk.

Friday I didn't see it.   Monday I started down the hall to say something,  but when I got there, the light had been flipped on and lunch was over.   TODAY,  I found out it was going on again and I stormed down the hall.  The teacher's assistant was in there so I made a remark about "WHY are you guys eating in the dark?"  and she said the kids weren't listening.  So then I said "Oh, I didn't realize state allowed us to do that..." and she didn't say much.

At that point my little girl turns around and says "Hi MOM!  What are you doing?"  and I said "Being mad,  what are you doing??"  and she said "eating my lunch"  and then I said good/see you later, I've got to go back to my classroom....

The other teacher in my class had just said something to them about "Why are you guys dining in the dark??"   and she got a similar answer to what I got.   I really wanted to address it to the lead teacher because I know the assistant just kind of follows what she does.   I talk to her a bit and we texted this evening and she said that she was going to mention to the lead teacher that there had been a complaint about them eating lunch in the dark.

My thing is,  the lead teacher is OVERSENSITIVE,  and I know I can be blunt.  I don't want to make her cry so I'm trying to avoid discussing it with her,  but I think it's going to come down to a confrontation.  

Am I overreacting though?  Is it so bad for 3 year old kids to have "silent lunch" and have to eat in the dark?   Because it makes my blood boil,  I think it's stupid, ineffective, and wrong.

And heaven help anyone who messes with my little offspring in particular.   She didn't seem phased by eating lunch in the dark,  but I'm still mad.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me disagree with childcare, makes me wish I were married and not a single mom,  makes me wish I could keep her at home (forever).   But for right now,  the best I can do is keep an eye on what goes on at school and address the things I don't agree with.   I'm pretty laid back in general,   but if I'm crossed I can become "THAT MOM" pretty quick.

How can I handle this tactfully??

[lilmom]

I would be livid, personally. I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think I would go ahead and talk to her. Her being oversensitive is really not a factor here. The well being of the children is much more important, and as you already know, what she is doing seems way off base.

I would say that if you don't have success speaking with her, you should go to the director or whoever is her supervisor.

[CarrieMF]

How much light was still in the room?  Was it still light enough to clearly see the people sitting around them?  If so then i wouldn't be bothered by it.  It it was pitch black then yeah I'd be bothered.

[love4bob]

 

If there were still enough light where they could see to eat I wouldn't be bothered. Maybe they weren't listening, and the class was overstimulated? Turning the lights off can reduce stimulations and calm them down allowing them to eat peacefully. I know many 3.5 year olds will be too busy talking with other kids to eat their meals, and then lunch time would never end or they would not get to eat. Maybe the silent lunch aloud the kids to actually eat and get fed in a timely manner. My DD frequently brings home her lunch from school mostly uneaten because she talks during lunch... She is always hungry when she gets home and eats it then.

[One_Girl]

I would be unhappy but I don't think you should make a habit of pointing out the teachers faults to your child.  It really doesn't send a good message and it makes it hard for kids to see their teachers as an authority figure worth listening to (which just gets the child in trouble and perpetuates a cycle that is easy to prevent).  It seems like a little thing and teachers should be able to earn respect, but when a child sees that their parent doesn't seem to respect the teacher they don't see any reason to respect the teacher even if the teacher is good and does a lot to earn respect.  I struggled with this for a long time with my dd and the outcome was not good for my child. 

I think you should call the lead teacher from your classroom or on your break and tell her you feel that the punishment is too harsh.  Transitions are times when things tend to fall apart so maybe find an article on transition tips for preschoolers and give it to her tomorrow morning.  If you know that this is something the center supports then I think you should try to find alternate care at a center that has a discipline policy more in line with yours.  If you know that the director is very helpful when teachers are out of ideas when things aren't going well in the classroom then I think you should recommend that they go to her for ideas because she is very helpful. 

[love4bob]

 

I guess I didn't see it as a punishment, but more of way to help them get through the meal. The lights came right back on after the meal was over and things resumed as normal.

[Smidge]

I'm curious why you're not talking to your supervisor about this.  Not trying to be snarky, but I certainly think there would be a certain protocall (sp?) for co-worker disagreements.  I'm all for confronting a person about an issue, but I wouldn't chance my supervisor getting pissy b/c I didn't handle it the proper way, kwim?

[DasMaedchen]

Thank you for the replies.   I guess I should clear up that my daughter had no idea what I was "being mad" about.   She just said "Okay!" and went about her business.   It was my passive-aggressive way of telling the adult in the room that I was mad,  since that answer directly followed my comment about them eating in the dark.  I don't talk negatively about her teachers to her or around her,  I want her to like them and feel comfortable with them. 

It was definitely done as a "punishment" for the kids not listening.  Sometimes in my room we'll flip the lights off during clean up time before going outdoors,  but in that case it is an attention-getter and a way to signal that we are now transitioning to something new,  and start cleaning up the toys.

I haven't gone to my boss yet because my boss is very non-confrontational and I didn't feel like it would really get addressed,  or if it did it would be glossed over quickly.

The teacher's assistant is going to mention it to the lead tomorrow and better her than me,  because I DO NOT want to deal with the lead teacher getting all upset and crying or something.  She is very oversensitive and I don't think she's really well suited to dealing with people.

The thing that irritated me most about the thing is that I know my daughter is not one of the trouble-makers in that room.  There are 2 or 3 children in there who do not listen and are kind of mean.   They put a lot of stress on the teachers and then the entire class gets punished with silent lunch/lunch in the dark because of a few kids not listening.  They do a "prize box" at the end of the day (Which I despise, but that's another thread entirely) and today the whole class lost prize box today.  I was OK with that,  but my little girl said "I was good today...I should have gotten a prize!"  and she's right....she was good,  the teachers both said she was,  yet because some of the other children were not good listeners,  everyone got punished.

The lead teacher irritates me in general sometimes.  She's about 22 years old,  no children of her own,  VERY sheltered life,  and gets upset too easily.   I like her as a person but I don't agree with the way she runs (doesn't run) her classroom.

Anyway, thank you again for the replies,  I feel better from just venting about it.   And the room was pretty darn dark when I walked by.   They have a small window on the door but the blinds were closed and both sides of the room had the lights shut off.   My daughter said she had trouble seeing her plate when I worked lunchtime into a conversation tonight.

[love4bob]

I do agree that mass punishments/rewards are not appropriate at that age. They should be addressed individually or the trouble kids won't learn anything.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by DasMaedchen 
 So then I said "Oh, I didn't realize state allowed us to do that..." and she didn't say much.

If it is very dark in there the state probably doesn't allow it. What kind of training does the teacher have? She doesn't sound very professional.

[nextcommercial]

Turning off the light is very effective.  Maybe not for a whole lunch, but it's a good way to reset the environment.    We turned off the lights to get the kid's attention, (Or flickered them) and it's a great way to let everyone know we are going to settle down now.  When the stores start shutting off the lights, you know it's time to finish shopping and leave.

I don't really see the purpose of a "Silent" lunch.  That baffles me a bit.  But, I can see the reason for shutting off the lights.  It would probably be better if they sang a few songs at the table, or heard a story or something until they had settled down, then turned the lights back on.  Or asked "Do you want the lights on?  Or off?"  (My daycare kids would pick "off")

I wouldn't be surprised if the kids liked having the light out.  It's different. 

It shouldn't be used as a group punishment, just a calming down tool.  

[pianojazzgirl]

I can see that being used as a calming down tool, but I don't think eating in a room dark enough that the kids can barely make out their plates in front of them is appropriate.  In fact I'd have nothing against my kid eating in a darkER room as long as there was still enough light filtering in that s/he could see things clearly.  I do know that lunchtime dynamic that can happen of lots of talking and no eating and I can understand why a teacher might look for a tool to help combat that, BUT I don't think this particular teacher is going about it in quite the right way.  Since you are a mom of a child there and you have a problem with it I think a talk with the supervisor is in order.

[DidiToo]

To me, it doesn't seem cruel (since the kids don't seem to be fazed by it) but more like...kind of silly.  I can see dimming the room to create a calm, pre-nap atmosphere but if you can't tell if you're picking up a chicken nugget or tater tot, that's not ideal dining.  Not to mention that it is a safety issue - let's say if there were something non-edible that got onto the plate.  (I know, this should never happen, but you never know where a stray crayon might land.)

That said, you need to proceed with caution.  You're dealing with a colleague who has dominion over her classroom, so you're apt to threaten her both as a colleague and as a parent of a child in her class.  This requires tact and discretion.  You also don't want to come across as creating problems as an employee in terms of the team dynamic, so it's important to follow protocol to address the complaint in a way that doesn't fuel resentment (as much as humanly possible).

I'd start by asking the question - not in an accusatory way, but in a curious way.  "I noticed that the kids were eating with the lights off and they weren't allowed to talk.  Do you find that is a helpful strategy?"  Listen to why she does it.  It might be that they've exhibited problems with eating - or not eating - or throwing food - who knows.  Whatever her reason is, listen to her.  Try not to interrupt.  Try not to make a face, even if what she is saying is "making-a-face"-worthy.  Then calmly tell her your concerns.  "I worry that they won't be able to see their food in the dark."  Or, "I worry that the kids who've behaved are being punished along with the ones who cause trouble."  Use "I" statements as much as possible. 

If she's not hearing you, don't pursue it.  Disengage, and talk to her supervisor.  Let the supervisor know you've tried to address it informally and haven't been able to resolve it.  Request something reasonable as your proposed result.  (Personally, I think allowing kids to see their food while they eat is a reasonable request.)

Try to keep it fact-based and keep emotion out of it.  I know it's hard when you're dealing with a practice that affects your child.

I hope you're able to come to a good resolution.

[ecoteat]

I HATE it when teachers do that, at any age level. And I've seen it a lot. I teach in a K-8 school and often have lunch duty with the 6th-8th grade. I never do that. But I regularly see the K-5 lunch period having a lights-out "quiet lunch" which is total bs. Actually, I never really thought about this before, but my dd will go there next year for K and she'll have to deal with that?! Ugh. I might have to have a similar confrontation next year.

I use turning off the lights just to get everyone's attention sometimes, and often my middle school kids prefer the lights to be off if there's adequate daylight (as do I), but it's the SILENT part that drives me crazy. I think that is unfair and unreasonable, especially for little kids. Lunch time is a time to learn social skills. It is a time to practice manners and conversation. Has your staff ever discussed what the goals for lunchtime are? Maybe a group conversation along those lines are in order. I'm not talking about the rules and behavior expectations, but what do you hope the children learn or accomplish by the time they move on to another school?

[DasMaedchen]

I wish I had read this thread and the advice in it before I went to work today!   The situation is handled,  but the lead teacher definitely has hurt feelings about the whole thing.   My thinking is "She'll get over it"  and I've moved on,  but she was definitely giving me the cold shoulder and some dirty looks today.   I've known her for almost 2 years and worked with her before.  I don't think she's placed with the right age group right now,  but then she wasn't good with the toddlers either.....we used to work in the 1 year old room together.   Then she got moved to 3's and I'm with 2's/3's (mostly 2's but we have a few who turned recently)........I pretty much just said what she was doing was stupid and ineffective (direct quote) and that I felt like she didn't know what she was doing....

Not my most professional moment,  but it's done now.   I'll probably apologize later for hurting her feelings. 

and ITA about some kids thinking its cool to be in a dimmed room,  I remember being in school and looooving if the power would go out or the teacher would cut the lights out for a while and the room would be dimmed.   but that room is pretty dark and I just felt like she made a poor choice. 

I wish the assistant would speak up more when things happen that she disagrees with.  She told me "(Lead teacher) wears the pants,  I just do what I'm told"  ....and it's just not that way in my class.  I'm the assistant in my class and the lead teacher asks for my input and trusts my judgment,  we work together instead of one going along with the other.

[tzs]

i taught younger twos and we would turn the lights out aLOT during the day...not as punishment, it was just more relaxing during certain moments. sometimes we would even get everyone to lie down with us and have a quiet moment...snuggles included. it was done out of love and it's not like we enforced the "quiet" but i guess if an outsider came in it could look like we were having a renegade enforced naptime or something. we would absolutely turn out the lights during meals, especially if the atmosphere was getting crazy, but it never got that dark in the room. sometimes we would even take them out of the room and underneath the big stairwell and throw out a blanket and have a "picnic" lunch. they were amazing when you changed up the routine.

[LynnS6]

If it happened once, I'd chalk it up to an overwhelmed teacher having a bad day. Twice, I'd be concerned. Three times? Clearly this teacher needs help with classroom management.

I would go to your director and say that you've noticed, as a parent, that she's having a hard time with several of the children, and keeps using silent lunches as a punishment. Since it's clearly not working, perhaps the director could work with her with some other ideas.

[JudiAU]

Sounds like an overwhelmed teacher. It makes no sense.