Any age-gap parents out there? Wondering about family size...

[sammymama]

Hi Mamas,

My hubby and I have an 18 year age-gap between us - I'm 35, he's 53.  We have been together for 11 years, married 6 (geez, didn't realize it was so long 'til I wrote it!).  We currently have 1 DD, nearly 18 mos - she is the light of our lives.  :)  When we got together I didn't know if I wanted kids for sure, and if so, just one was going to be fine with me (I am a very content only child).  DH would not necessarily have sought out more children, as he has a son from a previous relationship, and now, 2 grandchildren.  DD was a very high-needs infant and her first year was challenging - although now that we are through it, we both feel like we've done a good job maintaining the things that were important to us, and we're stronger for having shared some of those experiences together.  That said I am now starting to consider a 2nd babe, somewhat to my own surprise.  DH is not necessarily there... and I understand his reasons, but I feel - again, surprisingly - sad that he was not more instantly warm to the idea.  We currently live in the east coast 'burbs and have been planning a return to San Francisco in the next 2 years.  It is certainly more expensive there, and of course we have college and DH's retirement happening around the same time already.  DH has a very decent job, but we are not wealthy by any means.  I am currently home with DD and would want to remain so with any future child for at least a few more years, though when I do return to work I would earn a very decent salary as well.  We are very financially responsible (no debt, etc), and we choose to live a fairly simple life to remain that way.  I know these financial questions are the same that non-age-gap parents consider as well, but I wonder how responsible it is to think of adding another college age child to the time frame we've chosen for DH's retirement...?

So I wonder - how do other average-income age-gap families decide on family size?  I'd be grateful to anyone who would share their experiences.

Thanks in advance!
Sammy

[ssh]

I'm the older one is our relationship. My age, 46 when DD was born, and health concerns, diabetes, helped us decide to have just one.

[Doodlebugsmom]

DH and I just have a two-year age difference, but my sister and her husband are nearly the same ages as you and your DH. They have two-year old twin boys and BIL has a son who will be going to college in a few years. Are you able to save for your current child's college education? That would make a huge difference in the decision to me. If you are able to save for that child and a potential child, it seems like it would be very do-able.  Also consider how long you plan to stay in the workforce once you return. Could you support your family on your income? Will your DH be getting a pension upon retirement, or just depending on social security? All of these things could make a difference in your decision. Also, are you set on paying for your child's college or would you be okay with them getting student loans? Good luck!

BTW, my sis and BIL planned on having just ONE child. Much to their surprise, they had twins! Of course they are so happy they have two little guys now, but it was definitely a shock and required some adjustment. The financial stress is definitely increased due to having two, so consider that as well.

[cappuccinosmom]

We have a 10 year age gap (dh is older), and are low income. We don't use birth control, and have no plans to--we just take the kids as they come. :)

For us it's a non issue, but I recognize that we do have very different perspectives on lifestyle needs and family life than the average American. We didn't decide on family size, but on how we were going to live our reproductive life overall.  We actually were expecting to have many children, but so far only three, with two losses, and many months of "surely it will happen now?" when it didn't.

[CatsCradle]

DH is 15 years older than me.  We've been married almost 21 years.  He is presently 62 and I'm 47.  DD is 4.5 years old. 

We went through the first 16 years of our marriage living under the impression that we wouldn't have children, and we were satisfied with that.  DD came along and of course rocked our world.  Age has played the most significant part in our family size.  While I could probably still get pregnant, I really don't have the desire to put my body through another pregnancy at this age.  I also think that DH's age at this point is a huge consideration.  While he is healthy and active and age plays no role in our relationship, the practical consideration of having DH around and active in the next 20 years has certainly played into the decision. 

That being said, we love our family of three!  I am forever greatful for the opportunity that has been handed me.

Edited to say that I didn't address the income thing.  We're pretty average income for our region, but I wouldn't say that any of our decisions were based on income.  We both work now and I'll continue to work at my profession until they kick me in the grave, so DH's possible retirement doesn't play much into the mix.  It all comes down to age and our desire to be there for our a child as she ages. 

[velochic]

I could have written your post almost word for word (except we are older than you and the gap isn't quite as wide).

Dh will retire the same year dd goes to college.  He did not want to be dealing with more children and retirement at the same time and I sure as heck don't blame him.

This is not a common sentiment at MDC, so I'm an outsider in this respect, but providing one child with a top-notch education was more important to us than having more children.  We're able to send dd to a great private school and will pay for her university education (even if it's Princeton, Yale, someplace abroad) and I can still stay at home (I work very part-time at a library and the $$ is just for fun).  If we had more kids, I would have to go back to work as a programmer/analyst at a pharma company to do this for 2 kids.  I don't want back in the rat race that I ran for 13 years before having dd.  We will also be able to leave dd well enough off as we want to when we're gone. 

Finances are definitely a factor for having an only, but that also has a lot to do with our ages.  TBH, I was late having children, myself, too and I only wanted one in the first place.  When dh retires and dd goes off to college, I WILL have to go back to work full time, anyway, unless this country gets a clue and we end up with socialized medicine (one can only hope).  Once dh retires, I will have years and years of needing health insurance and I will not spend dd's inheritance just to have health insurance.  So, even if he retires, we won't get the chance to enjoy his retirement because of this ONE thing.  The flip side is that dh is not American, so we may just leave when he retires.

So, there are all of these factors that come into play and in the end, we decided one child.  We are ECSTATIC with dd (turning 9 in a week).  I mean, we really hit the jackpot with her.  She is a joy to be around, is smart, witty, polite, helpful, empathetic.  Everyone who ever spends time with her talks about what a pleasure she it to just spend time with.  I wouldn't screw up the family dynamic for anything at this point (plus, I'm at the start of the big "change", so it would be nearly impossible, anyway).  Really, having more than one wasn't something we considered at all.  Age and finances were the two major factors.

[anyalily]

I'm 29 and my DH is 42, and we have a DD 2.5 years old. We wonder about how to plan for more. Right now it doesn't feel like the right time, for financial reasons. We both need to work right now in order to afford our house in the country, near my parents and the simple lifestyle we enjoy. I was home with DD for 16 months and then only back part time, slowly increasing my hours to about thirty at this time. I think if we were to have another baby right now, I would have to go back to work much quicker, which really compromises my ideals.

My DD is a (delightful) handful and I had a hard pregnancy and labor, including some ppd. As hard as it was, I sort of want to have another baby so I can enjoy the pregnancy and delivery, really be present for it, in a way I didn't the first time, especially now that I am more prepared. Also, I can't imagine NOT having another baby.

But I try to get myself excited about staying as a family of three, because it would make so much more sense financially and logistically, to be able to provide for her in an undivided way...

The point at which age comes into consideration is that I have some time to wait for another but DH doesn't feel like he does. Even though he is only 42, he doesn't want to have kids in the house in his sixties and feels like if we don't have another in the next year or so, he wants to be done.

I don't have much to offer except that it is hard to consider all the factors. I don't know anyone who regrets having a second child. You make do, you adjust, you love your child. You can't really make the wrong decision, as long as you are doing it with your own life in mind and not some societal expectation.

Sorry for the ramble.

[Venia]

We also have an 18 year age gap and have been together for 11+ years!  We have two kiddos together, a 3 yo and a 7 month old.  Our plan from the start was for DH to primarily support us while I was college for my undergrad work, and then I would take over after finishing the first degree and having our first child.  So now he is a SAHD and I work full time and provide all the needed insurance etc.  Despite my envy of DH's time home with the kids and his envy of me working outside the home, its actually been working out pretty good.     

Financially speaking we are modest but comfortable.  We also live in California where the cost of living is not so wonderful.  We rent our home (thank goodness since the housing market crashed), but we do own our two cars and are able to save money for an eventual down payment on a home, some savings for college for the kids, and retirement/nest egg.  We do not plan to pay 100% for our kids degrees.  We feel it is important for our kids to work part time and help pay tuition and books as part of the "college experience".  We will help, but not "hand out".  The bulk of DH's retirement savings and entire pension was drained by an agreement from his first marriage.  What is left will be extra for us, when the time comes.  I have my own retirement and pension building  as well, so our later years will be covered.

As far as family size decisions, we initially were planning to only have one.  However, our hearts foiled that plan, lol.   We have decided that two is enough though. DH has concerns about his age and a major concern about being able to wrangle three kids since he is the SAH parent (IE he apparently had his hands full, lol). I have concerns about him being able to financially support more kids if something ever happens to me.

[sammymama]

Hi Mamas,

Just wanted to say a big thanks for everyone's thoughtful responses.  There was so much great food for thought in there... you all gave me coherent words for muddled ideas that have been jumbling around in my head and made it much easier to chat about with DH, and go through in my own brain.  No major decisions made yet, but it really helped get the conversation started.  Thanks again for sharing!

Sammy