dating a "sensitive" man - Page 6

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

I broke it off today!!!! I feel much better. Free almost.

He lost his job today. He had just started this job 3 weeks ago and he was going to work all tired and worn out and the employer told him to take a WHOLE week off and that was this past week. Then today was his first day back and what happens??? He goes in late and gets fired. You would think he would want to try and make a good impression and go in early even. Nope. So he blames it all on the enemy, the devil and says God meant for this to happen. We get on the phone and he hangs up on me one time and then later we talk again and he starts referring to old girlfriends and how they think about him and I got a little upset and said I'm tired of being compared to these people and he says he isn't comparing, blah blah.....so I end it then. I told him this is best and he said okay, he does too. :) I feel free.

I think I am going to give up on men for a while. ;-)  I think that's best for me right now. I have 3 kids who need me.

I'm glad you did this. I love the part about how the devil got him fired. And it case that doesn't fly, it's God's plan. Brilliant! That's one of the best lack of responsibility statements I've ever heard. And he's wasn't even being ironic! You're so better off without this guy.

[Sharlla]

I have no patience for "overly sensitive" people.  its one thing to be truly hurt about something  but another thing to make everything about you and some kind of drama.  I just will not tolerant of that.  i was dating a woman lasts summer and she tried to pull that crap on me and I cut her lose. Life is way too short for that bs.

[Sharlla]

Glad you got rid of him, people who play the victim piss me off. 

[ZoeyZoo]

Congrats! I am totally happy to hear you broke it off. You and your children deserve so much more than that.

I agree with some of the PPs in that he is likely to decide it's not for the best afterall and to try to get back with you. That's what my ex who sounds a lot like yours would do. He would tell me he "didn't accept" me breaking up with him and would push my buttons again to try to get back together.

[philomom]

Yay! Darcy, you've done the right thing here.. don't let this man back into your life now for any reason.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by lolar2 

Congratulations on dumping him! Make sure he stays dumped.

yes to this!

[sleet76]

Woo hoo!  That's the way to direct your life actively, and not passively!  Great work!

[darcytrue]

Ok well, he did weaseal his way back in. :(   He said that God wants us to be together and we need to stick to God's will right now. He actually got MAD at me because I told him he needed to get up early that morning so he wouldn't get to his new job late and lose it!! He got angry and hung up on me!! When I got upset cause he got angry he called me later (never apologizing) and said the devil was working in me to get me to say that to him when he was at his lowest point. His lowest point? He put HIMSELF there. :(   He was awake at 9:30am and I texted and said "Stay awake!!!" and he still went back to bed, woke at 11:30am and had time to get ready. His job didn't even start til 1pm each day. Then he gets there late anyway. And he said to me later that he was late BECAUSE - get this.......I called him at 11:30am and his mother called him to make sure he was awake and ready to go. We were trying to help him. :(  That made me feel even worse cause he made it out to seem as though "I" got him even further behind.

He even said his alarm clock AND cell phone both didn't work that morning to wake him up. He said it's a freaky thing that they will both do this at times, but not consistently mind you. Because I was there with him on Saturday night, yeah spent the night (no sex though, remembering he is WAITING) and we woke just fine from a very LOUD alarm clock, snooze worked and everything and his cell phone worked, snooze on it and everything. I don't want to think he lies to me but I don't know what else to do. He makes me feel like if we don't keep dating he will make me out to feel like the loser for losing him. I think about how absolutely gorgeous he is and sweet and Godly which is what I really want, but then all this other stuff clouds all the good stuff and I just end up confused again.

He knew he had to be at work at 1pm that day. He had a 45 minute drive to get there. Why couldn't he stay up all morning and get there on time!!!!! They gave him a whole freaking week off work to rest and recoup when the other employees that had been working there for years probably wondered what they heck!?!

I don't know what to do. He keeps saying we need to work this out and makes me feel guilty for trying to break it off. He twists things to a point where I can't even explain it here. It's tough to get in to words but I see it. And at the same time he is so cute, sweet and charming. And I want to do what God wants me to do. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do. I want someone to love me, to date and to be involved with. But I want someone with a job and he says that is so worldly to require that my man has a job. But he hasn't had one in almost 3 years AND he lost the first one he had in 3 years because he overslept.

[philomom]

You know the answer here. You don't need a man in your life who can't take responsibility for himself. No matter how sweet, good-looking or godly he is.... this is loser behavior. Your kids and you do NOT need this in your life.

[darcytrue]

I wish I knew what to do. I feel so incapable of finding a GOOD guy. But yet I talk to an old boyfriend a lot here lately that has a wonderful, secure job in engineering and he isn't a believer of God though so that keeps me from dating him. But he is a great man, very sweet to me and employed and wonderful. Then there's this guy I'm dating. He lives with his brother, sleeps til 12noon or after every day cause he stays up every night til 4am. He couldn't keep the one job that 'finally' came his way after 3 years of searching for a job. He has a house that is so dirty I won't even go in to it here. He smokes and wreaks of that. He has a son that he lets stay up way in to the wee hours of the night when he is with him. He doesn't do much with his son. He obsesses over a past band he was in and wants to be in another rock band one day but it's a dream and he's almost 40 years old and needs to WAKE up. His mommy caters to him, gives him money, tells him this last job wasn't for him and God wants him unemployed to take care of the sick people in the family and etc. I just don't understand. This guy is SO not my type from the types I have wanted in the past, successful men. My ex-husband was very successful, still is, a business owner for over 25 years. I don't get why I am allowing myself to fall for this. I don't know how to get out.

[philomom]

Honestly, the old boyfriend sounds like a better person to invite into your life. But then, I'm not a believer. The current weasel is not living a godly life.. no matter what he's saying about loving god.

[Annie Mac]

Darcy, you seem so sensible in so many ways. You can see through this man, but you get back together with him? 

And the God thing...OK, let me say up front that I am way more spiritual than religious, but I am pretty darn sure God doesn't care if you're in this relationship or not. It doesn't affect God's life, it affects yours. As for him being Godly, I don't really understand what that means to you. I would think a Godly man would be a stand-up kind of guy, you know? A mensch. He'd get up and go to work and respect your decisions.  A guy who would take responsibility for his own decisions, rather than shifting the blame to other-worldly entities. 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Im chiming in while I shouldnt be, because Im not a single parent.  But I keep seeing this thread pop up in new posts, and I must say, Im just shocked. 

This guy talking about "Gods Plan" and "it was the Devil coming out in him" is code for "Im a lazy, emotionally abusive, narcisist who is going to stop at nothing to take advantage of you".  The OPs quotes of some of the things hes said is downright creepy, and it would not surprise me one bit if his craziness begins to get violent when he doesn't get his way. 

This sounds like a very scary individual, and I would run as fast as your legs can carry you and your CHILDREN.  Because subjecting them to this craziness would be just, well, crazy. 

HUGS!

[simplemama32]

darcy, I may be completely wrong, but I feel like the fact that you keep posting on this thread is a sign that you *know* what to do, you just really need some support in doing it.  Do you have any friends or family who would be willing to be there with you when you break it off with this man (preferably over the phone...on voice mail would be even better)?  Someone who could help you stay strong?

After ending the relationship, change your phone #, or at the very least, do *not* answer his calls.  He can't weasel his way back in if you won't talk to him.

Also, there is a difference between being Godly, and being a selfish SOB who uses *your* spiritual devotion to control you.

[seashells]

When you say you don't know what to do, do you mean you don't know whether to stay with him or not, or that you don't know how to break it off?

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

He said that God wants us to be together and we need to stick to God's will right now.

How on God's green earth does he purport to know God's will? And to say that God's will is for you guys to be together? These are the words of a mortal who is committing hubris by saying that he knows God's will. Girl, you know that he doesn't know God's will any more than you do, and that he is just manipulating you here.

He actually got MAD at me because I told him he needed to get up early that morning so he wouldn't get to his new job late and lose it!! He got angry and hung up on me!! When I got upset cause he got angry he called me later (never apologizing) and said the devil was working in me to get me to say that to him when he was at his lowest point. His lowest point? He put HIMSELF there. :(   He was awake at 9:30am and I texted and said "Stay awake!!!" and he still went back to bed, woke at 11:30am and had time to get ready. His job didn't even start til 1pm each day. Then he gets there late anyway. And he said to me later that he was late BECAUSE - get this.......I called him at 11:30am and his mother called him to make sure he was awake and ready to go. We were trying to help him. :(  That made me feel even worse cause he made it out to seem as though "I" got him even further behind.

Yup, you see it - he takes no responsibility for himself, and blames everyone else (like, you) for his problems. He is not living the way of God.

He makes me feel like if we don't keep dating he will make me out to feel like the loser for losing him. I think about how absolutely gorgeous he is and sweet and Godly which is what I really want, but then all this other stuff clouds all the good stuff and I just end up confused again.

If he was sooooo great, he wouldn't worry about letting you know that you would be losing out by losing him. A great guy who got dumped will easily find another good woman. The reason he is telling you this is because HE is a loser, and HE is desperate to keep you. I'm glad he's gorgeous and sweet, and those are great but you know they are not enough. I can say he's not Godly - just look at his behavior. He talks the talk but he doesn't walk the walk. He just says all these things just to make you think he's Godly. Also, if you stay with him, the confusion will only get worse - have you ever heard of a relationship where someone said "oh, I thought he was really bad news but then he turned out to be super, he is my very rock, we are growing old together and it's stable and wonderful every single minute."

I don't know what to do. He keeps saying we need to work this out and makes me feel guilty for trying to break it off. He twists things to a point where I can't even explain it here. It's tough to get in to words but I see it. And at the same time he is so cute, sweet and charming. And I want to do what God wants me to do. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do. I want someone to love me, to date and to be involved with. But I want someone with a job and he says that is so worldly to require that my man has a job. But he hasn't had one in almost 3 years AND he lost the first one he had in 3 years because he overslept.

When you say you don't know what to do... you mean you don't know how to say the words "We're through"? "It's over"? Or are you really thinking this is a good relationship - with a man who twists things beyond words. When you say you want to do what God wants you to do - have you talked to God about this or are you actually taking this guy's word that he has a direct line to God and God wants this relationship to happen? You want to stay with someone who is not meeting your minimum standards on several counts?

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

I wish I knew what to do. I feel so incapable of finding a GOOD guy. But yet I talk to an old boyfriend a lot here lately that has a wonderful, secure job in engineering and he isn't a believer of God though so that keeps me from dating him. But he is a great man, very sweet to me and employed and wonderful. Then there's this guy I'm dating. He lives with his brother, sleeps til 12noon or after every day cause he stays up every night til 4am. He couldn't keep the one job that 'finally' came his way after 3 years of searching for a job. He has a house that is so dirty I won't even go in to it here. He smokes and wreaks of that. He has a son that he lets stay up way in to the wee hours of the night when he is with him. He doesn't do much with his son. He obsesses over a past band he was in and wants to be in another rock band one day but it's a dream and he's almost 40 years old and needs to WAKE up. His mommy caters to him, gives him money, tells him this last job wasn't for him and God wants him unemployed to take care of the sick people in the family and etc. I just don't understand. This guy is SO not my type from the types I have wanted in the past, successful men. My ex-husband was very successful, still is, a business owner for over 25 years. I don't get why I am allowing myself to fall for this. I don't know how to get out.

Your old boyfriend is proof that there are better guys out there and you don't have to be tied to this rock. It's fine that your standards require a Godly man, but your current boyfriend really doesn't meet that standard, nor your job standard, nor your (I'm just assuming you have the following standards - I hope so anyway) non-stalker standard, your non-manipulator standard, your self-responsibility standard, etc.

You are seeing the life you are in for if you spend any more time with him. The picture is very clear to you. He will rarely have a job and lose any that he gets quickly. He will expect you to be his mommy and cater to him. He will expect you to give him money. He will blame you and others for all the problems in his life. You won't be able to talk to him because he'll point the finger at you, and then shut the conversation down by saying God wants him to do this or that (which will be a big button that he will hammer on, since it clearly works on you). He will not be an involved father.

Are you allowing yourself to consider him only because you are afraid of being alone?

[seashells]

Do you want some words?

"This is not working out. It's over."

"It's just over. I could spend all day explaining why, but it doesn't matter. I don't want to continue this relationship, and that's all that matters. We're not married, and this is not working out, so it's over."

"You can say it's God's will that we be together, but I can say it's God's will that I'm breaking up with you. Goodbye."

"If you think I will be a loser without you, that's another good reason it's over."

"It's over."

"Don't call me."

[ZoeyZoo]

I have an ex that is just like your guy except he can keep a job, we didn't have kids, and isn't godly. Everything else about him in your posts sounds like the same situation I was in. I changed my number multiple times, moved twice, and had to cut off many of my friends who helped him when he played victim. It will not be easy to get away from this guy. He will try to get back together, show up, call, etc. You will have to shut him down and not engage him at all. If you engage him at all he will think he has a shot at getting back together.

BTW my situation escalated into heavy verbal abuse and some physical stuff like restraining me. I have no doubt your situation might go there if you disagree and make him angry enough. It's not something you want for yourself, let alone your kids. He also still contacts me with a combination of love declarations and verbal assults regularly through IM, e-mail, etc. 10 years later.

If it helps I'm happy to provide you more details via PM.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~ 

This guy talking about "Gods Plan" and "it was the Devil coming out in him" is code for "Im a lazy, emotionally abusive, narcisist who is going to stop at nothing to take advantage of you".  The OPs quotes of some of the things hes said is downright creepy, and it would not surprise me one bit if his craziness begins to get violent when he doesn't get his way. 

This sounds like a very scary individual, and I would run as fast as your legs can carry you and your CHILDREN.  Because subjecting them to this craziness would be just, well, crazy.

This.

Darcy...I get the twisting things up part. I get the "making" you feel guilty (I think we're responsible for our own feelings, but I also know how good some people are at pushing buttons and twisting people into knots). I'll take your word for "gorgeous" as 1) I don't know what he looks like, and 2) there's a huge subjective element to that, anyway.

Can you tell me anything about why you find him sweet or Godly? I'm not a Christian, so being Godly isn't a requirement for me - actually, it would be a drawback in someone I was considering dating - but I'm also aware that it takes more than saying "I believe in God", "this is God's will" and "the Devil kept me from this job" to qualify as being Godly. He's all talk. And, you haven't said anything about thim that sounds sweet. He tells you he used to date models, and makes it clear that he thinks he's lowered his standards. He blames you (and his mother and the Devil, of course) for the fact that he couldn't get his lazy butt out of bed to go back to work. He tries to make you stay with him, by twisting your religious and spiritual beliefs into a weapon against you and claiming he knows what God wants you to do. He guilt trips. He's not sweet. He's really, really...icky. Just reading your posts makes my skin crawl, and I have to assume he has some serious charisma, based on the fact that you can even stand to be in the same room as him.

Do not make a life decision about who you will spend your time/life with, based on that person telling you that you have to. Just...don't.

ETA: I skimmed some of the early posts in this thread again. I forgot:

1) He's also a disgusting slob (and, this is coming from someone who is all over a current thread in TAO about dirty houses, talking about how uncomfortable I am in really clean homes).

2) He doesn't argue, because he doesn't have to - he manipulates you to get his own way, intead of getting angry, because he can't have his own way. It's really not any better. (My abusive ex never got mad. DH, very occasionally, does. DH is emotionally healthy and non-manipulative, though. My ex was neither.)

3) He's a major game player, all around. I'd forgotten about that sick "if you're not available to me 24/7, you're playing games, but don't expect me to get back to you right away, because that's not how I operate" crap. Ick. Ick. Ick.

[A&A]

It's YOUR CHOICE to be with this guy or not.  It's NOT his choice, and it's not even God's choice. 

[Spring Lily]

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

Ok well, he did weaseal his way back in. :(   He said that God wants us to be together and we need to stick to God's will right now. ....
..... And I want to do what God wants me to do.

He's using your faith to manipulate you, which is the opposite of godly. IMO.

Why do you think he's in a position to know God's will and enforce that on you? And why do you think he knows better than you do?

You have put all the pieces together, you see him for what he is. It sounds from your posts like you have some fears and insecurities that are keeping you from truly leaving him. Is it the fear of being alone? Fear of not finding another man? Fear of another man not wanting you? Fear of being able to provide for your kids?

Will you please consider going to therapy to help you get some clarity on what is going on for you here? I think it could really help you have the confidence and self-respect to do what you already know needs to be done.