dating a "sensitive" man - Page 7

[eclipse]

Maybe you should tell him that you know it's in God's plan for you to be with a good, honest, non-manipulative man that is at least trying to be gainfully employed. And that it must be the devil getting into him every time he tries to use your faith to manipulate you into something you know isn't in God's plan. Maybe I'm not qualified to comment as an atheist, but I don't see how any loving higher power would want you to be with a man who is manipulating you.

[chaoticzenmom]

Well, I guess that's it then, you don't really have a choice.  He's decided it and it's just going to be...whether you like it or not.  He's got the direct line to God, so he knows exactly what God wants and you're (again) not good enough to know what God wants for you.  Granted, you're not good enough for him, but that's beside the point. 

All sarcasm aside, you deserve so much better.

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

Ok well, he did weaseal his way back in. :(   He said that God wants us to be together and we need to stick to God's will right now. He actually got MAD at me because I told him he needed to get up early that morning so he wouldn't get to his new job late and lose it!! He got angry and hung up on me!! When I got upset cause he got angry he called me later (never apologizing) and said the devil was working in me to get me to say that to him when he was at his lowest point. His lowest point? He put HIMSELF there. :(   He was awake at 9:30am and I texted and said "Stay awake!!!" and he still went back to bed, woke at 11:30am and had time to get ready. His job didn't even start til 1pm each day. Then he gets there late anyway. And he said to me later that he was late BECAUSE - get this.......I called him at 11:30am and his mother called him to make sure he was awake and ready to go. We were trying to help him. :(  That made me feel even worse cause he made it out to seem as though "I" got him even further behind.

He even said his alarm clock AND cell phone both didn't work that morning to wake him up. He said it's a freaky thing that they will both do this at times, but not consistently mind you. Because I was there with him on Saturday night, yeah spent the night (no sex though, remembering he is WAITING) and we woke just fine from a very LOUD alarm clock, snooze worked and everything and his cell phone worked, snooze on it and everything. I don't want to think he lies to me but I don't know what else to do. He makes me feel like if we don't keep dating he will make me out to feel like the loser for losing him. I think about how absolutely gorgeous he is and sweet and Godly which is what I really want, but then all this other stuff clouds all the good stuff and I just end up confused again.

He knew he had to be at work at 1pm that day. He had a 45 minute drive to get there. Why couldn't he stay up all morning and get there on time!!!!! They gave him a whole freaking week off work to rest and recoup when the other employees that had been working there for years probably wondered what they heck!?!

I don't know what to do. He keeps saying we need to work this out and makes me feel guilty for trying to break it off. He twists things to a point where I can't even explain it here. It's tough to get in to words but I see it. And at the same time he is so cute, sweet and charming. And I want to do what God wants me to do. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do. I want someone to love me, to date and to be involved with. But I want someone with a job and he says that is so worldly to require that my man has a job. But he hasn't had one in almost 3 years AND he lost the first one he had in 3 years because he overslept.

[chaoticzenmom]

The guy that I mentioned earlier who was so emotionally abusive to me...he was super religious too.  He gave me an engraved bible for my birthday and always wanted for me to read passages to him from it.  The main reason I broke up with him was because he would drink and drive every single weekend.  He liked to talk about demons and exorcisms, etc.  When I broke up with him, he'd show up drunk to my house and then guilt me by saying that he was too drunk to drive.  At first, I would let him sleep on the couch, but he always tried to come to my bedroom in the middle of the night.  I let guilt keep him around for a long time. 

Finally, I had to stop opening the door, even when he was out there saying that he was too drunk to drive.  He was using my own dislike of his drinking and driving to manipulate his way into my life by drinking and driving...how weird is that?  He would have used God if I were at all religious, but he was still able to find my guilt spot.  It finally had to stop being my problem.  I told him that I needed time to think things through and that maybe we would get back together in January (?)  He went for it (whenever he tried to call, I told him that January was when I'd talk to him...I think it was November at the time) and by the time January came, I had my mind cleared and wasn't even affected by his antics...so much so that he only tried once or twice and gave up. 

You're a smart, kind woman.  Nobody deserves to be manipulated like he's doing to you.  He's gaslighting you and using your faith against you.  He's acting like he's Godly and you're not, when in truth, he doesn't know anything about anything except how to turn facts around to avoid responsibility.  

[Tigerchild]

What kind of Godly man would:

* abuse his sister in Christ, God's beloved, in this manner?

* lie to you?

* not take responsibility for his own actions?

* make you responsible for emotionally shouldering his burdens, when he will offer no real committment or partnership in return?

* tell you to listen to his words rather than give you space to listen to your own heart and God speaking to you?

What does your pastor say about this?

Please don't blame God for your choice to be involved with this person.

[singin'intherain]

Maybe God is trying to tell you something by leading you into a relationship with a guy who looks perfect on the outside, but on the inside is the epitome of bad for you and your family? We all need to rely on that something strong inside of ourselves, whether it's faith, personal power, art, whatever it is for each of us personally. If you believe that you need a relationship (no matter how bad) to be whole, you are NOT relying on God, not trusting in God's will. Maybe God is trying to show you that this kind of thinking is the wrong path for you. I mean, he looks good, in a superficial, candy kind of way, right? You mention the long hair, how he TALKS like a Christian. But when you get beneath the surface, he's almost like a parody of a bad husband. Maybe God's trying to tell you to step up and stop looking for candy, kwim? It's what's inside that makes the kind of partnership that satisfies spiritually, emotionally, physically, and supports us in making something beautiful out of our lives! Take the time to polish what's inside of YOU, what you have to offer as a partner! Ask God what he wants for your kids. I promise you that if you are putting their health and happiness at risk, you are not doing what God wants you to do. When you take the time to build yourself from the inside, you will meet the kind of man you and your kids deserve.

[Oh the Irony]

Notice how after you broke up with him, everyone warned you that he would want to get back together? That's because they KNOW THIS PATTERN. These guys don't like to let anyone go--even though you are such a "crappy girlfriend" or some such. If you are so crappy, why does he want to hang on so much?

I dated someone for 8 months that was similar to this guy. Broke up with him, he freaked out, wrote nasty stuff, physically intimidated me (no touch--it's hard to describe), mentioned suicide, etc. He got back in after a few weeks of good behavior. I let him back in. Good for awhile. Then worse. All of a sudden I was just taking from him and didn't do enough. Broke up again. Then tried to be friends. He would be nice and I would start falling for him. Then he would get nasty, I would retreat and he would pursue.

When I tried to set reasonable boundaries, I would be verbally attacked. I finally was able to break it off completely. How? NO CONTACT. I tried to reduce contact but he attacked my integrity and all kinds of stuff. More suicide threats--last one when he dropped stuff off at my door. He stormed away with my kids watching. They didn't get the reference but that was enough for me.

His email is blocked. He still tries to call upon occasion.  I don't doubt that he will keep trying when he gets in the mood. He has no respect for boundaries. Your guy is thinking of himself--not you or your children. Men that respect boundaries would let you go.

A friend of mine had the guy she was seeing commit suicide on her backporch. She and her kids came home and found the body.

So things may be okay for awhile, but we can all tell you things will get worse than they were before. When you have enough, go NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT=NO NEW HURTS.

I know that there is something there that draws you in. Try not to focus on the good with this man. Focus on the bad and ask if you want your children to be treated as you are being treated. Ask if you want them to see you being treated this way. Keep your kids in the very front of your mind. That will help power you.

Much love to you and yours. :hug

[Oh the Irony]

And yes, as previous poster was pointing out, the lesson isn't necessarily what HE SAYS the lesson is.

The guy I saw had all sorts of "lessons" for me. Most of them involving my character deficits and my fear.

I learned, once again, to listen to my gut. I also learned that I had very weak boundaries and that I needed to work on that.

[MissLotus]

There is so much crazy stuff here, but I think this one takes the cake: " I want someone with a job and he says that is so worldly to require that my man has a job."  Really - now you're materialistic to think that he should be able to act like a responsible adult?  Why aren't you laughing in this guy's face?  He is a Grade-A loser, who is still angry at the other women in his life who figured out that he's a loser.  That's why when you get close to figuring out the same thing, he gets all manipulative. 

There is nothing "God-like" about any of his behavior.  It's all words that he's hiding behind.  JUST words.  So really ...he can do anything he likes as long as he waves around the phrase "God wants it that way"?  Truly - you can't see through that?  The thing is, you aren't even married to him!  Where is the commitment that binds you to him?  He sure doesn't have one to you.  And I'm pretty sure God doesn't want you to waste the precious life you're given with someone who is openly SHOWING you that he is horribly manipulative and NOT living in a God-like way.  It couldn't be much plainer, but that is a conclusion you'll have to come to on your own.

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~ 

This sounds like a very scary individual, and I would run as fast as your legs can carry you and your CHILDREN.  Because subjecting them to this craziness would be just, well, crazy. 

HUGS!

Darcy this guy sounds Very very scary. He know which buttons to push and is playing you. Run FAST in the opposite direction. Don't speak to him again you have no reason to. Do not allow him to worm his was back in again. If you are with him you will be unavailable when you meet someone deserving of yours and your children's love.

[mimim]

Darcy, it will continue to get worse and worse if you let him back in. Just say no firmly and then ignore every attempt he makes to contact you after that. He will get tired of it eventually. Don't let yourself get sucked into this thing. The longer it goes on the harder it is to get out and you will always want to get out.

[bananabee]

I'm a Christian, and people who say they know God's will as if they were His personal messengers freak me out. First of all, in the Bible it says you will know His followers by their fruits. I think you need to go back to the basic principles of the Bible.

God is GOOD. God is not bad. This guy is BAD. This guy is NOT GOOD. This guy thinks he's above God, and so has the audacity to use God's name as a puppet.

God gives you free will. This guy does not! You can't even walk away from him!

God loves you. This guy does not love you! How can we tell? 1st Corinthians 13:4-7

4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^b 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

This guy is a total loser. He lies, he's lazy, he guilts you into things you don't want to do, he purposefully tries to put you and others into a position where you try to mother him, and then he gets mad at you for doing it. He gives God a bad reputation. What are you going to do when he decides that God told him to shoot you and/or your children? I suggest you rent the movie Frailty and watch it.

I say all this because my dad left my mom for another woman because "God told him to". To this day, my dad has no idea where I live, what my last name is, or that I even have a daughter. My sister asked him once, what would he do if God told him to rob a bank, and he said he would absolutely do that if he knew the order came from God. I reasoned that he got God and Satan mixed up. I think it's easy to see which one your guy resembles more. Cut that loser loose!!

[MissLotus]

Well said.  And if he wants to hide behind religion to disguise his flaws, isn't there a verse about the cup & platter looking clean on the outside, but inside they are not?  Even then, hypocrites were nothing new.

Look up the definition of Hypocrisy: "The state of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have. Hypocrisy involves the deception of others and is thus a kind of lie."

Originally Posted by bananabee 

I'm a Christian, and people who say they know God's will as if they were His personal messengers freak me out. First of all, in the Bible it says you will know His followers by their fruits. I think you need to go back to the basic principles of the Bible.

God is GOOD. God is not bad. This guy is BAD. This guy is NOT GOOD. This guy thinks he's above God, and so has the audacity to use God's name as a puppet.

God gives you free will. This guy does not! You can't even walk away from him!

God loves you. This guy does not love you! How can we tell? 1st Corinthians 13:4-7

4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^b 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

This guy is a total loser. He lies, he's lazy, he guilts you into things you don't want to do, he purposefully tries to put you and others into a position where you try to mother him, and then he gets mad at you for doing it. He gives God a bad reputation. What are you going to do when he decides that God told him to shoot you and/or your children? I suggest you rent the movie Frailty and watch it.

I say all this because my dad left my mom for another woman because "God told him to". To this day, my dad has no idea where I live, what my last name is, or that I even have a daughter. My sister asked him once, what would he do if God told him to rob a bank, and he said he would absolutely do that if he knew the order came from God. I reasoned that he got God and Satan mixed up. I think it's easy to see which one your guy resembles more. Cut that loser loose!!

[katelove]

I'm not a single parent either but I just wanted to you to hear from another Christian that I *really* don't think that this relationship is safe or healthy. This man seems to be everything the PPs have said he is. And just because you find him gorgeous and he can be charming on occasion mean absolutely NOTHING when he treats you so badly the rest of the time. Read any story, any story at all, written by an abused woman and they will describe how charming their abusive partner could be.

I know from reading the Bible that it is not God's will for a man to treat his wife the way this man treats you. Read Ephesians on the subject :-)

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by Spring Lily 




Will you please consider going to therapy to help you get some clarity on what is going on for you here? I think it could really help you have the confidence and self-respect to do what you already know needs to be done.

Yes, this. There is history in my own family of confusing God's Plan for abuse apologetics. Ick.

(I'm happily pagan/UU/atheist/whatever, and I don't think people need to be of a specific religion. But kids don't appreciate when the religion they are being served is serving them poorly.)

Therapy is an answer. I can't help but wonder if maybe a gentler church is in order for you as well, Darcy? I have a dozen Christian friends, and cannot imagine one of them getting bogged down in terrible dudes through some convoluted God Confusion. Each one of them has a husband who honors her, is responsible for his own feelings, and takes his problems to God and family for help, not avoidance/blame.

(edited for grammar)

Edited by AttunedMama - 2/27/11 at 4:00pm

[motherhendoula]

Im not a Christian - but i was a single mother for several years.  i know how desperate it can make you feel.   I felt old and used up and ugly and thought i would never find someone to love me EVER AGAIN after my divorce.  Interestingly my ex was similar to this 'man' you describe - it took me three years to move out.   Eventually, i did meet somebody who was kind and thoughtful - and always seems to consider my feelings before his own.   IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT!   heres how i knew he was the one for me - i broke up with him....(long story but mostly - i was scared something would inevitably go wrong , this guy lived far away i had an old car and felt i shouldnt spend so much $ on gas!)  so  i quickly broke up with this kind sweet man ...you know what he said? 

" OK, I wasnt expecting this, im sad -but OK - i hope we can still remain friends"           then he got out of my car. 

I was flabbergasted - he didnt argue with me and try to tell me all the reasons i should NOT break up with him....he simply said OK and got out of my car.....i cried my eyes out on the ride home - two weeks later i called him and asked to see him again.... two years after that we moved in together , got married and this past summer had a baby together.  

its not worth compromising  everything in your life - just to be able to say "i have a boyfriend" .   Get rid of this awful person now and forever!

[katelove]

Originally Posted by motherhendoula 

Im not a Christian - but i was a single mother for several years.  i know how desperate it can make you feel.   I felt old and used up and ugly and thought i would never find someone to love me EVER AGAIN after my divorce.  Interestingly my ex was similar to this 'man' you describe - it took me three years to move out.   Eventually, i did meet somebody who was kind and thoughtful - and always seems to consider my feelings before his own.   IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT!   heres how i knew he was the one for me - i broke up with him....(long story but mostly - i was scared something would inevitably go wrong , this guy lived far away i had an old car and felt i shouldnt spend so much $ on gas!)  so  i quickly broke up with this kind sweet man ...you know what he said? 

" OK, I wasnt expecting this, im sad -but OK - i hope we can still remain friends"           then he got out of my car.

I was flabbergasted - he didnt argue with me and try to tell me all the reasons i should NOT break up with him....he simply said OK and got out of my car.....i cried my eyes out on the ride home - two weeks later i called him and asked to see him again.... two years after that we moved in together , got married and this past summer had a baby together.  

its not worth compromising  everything in your life - just to be able to say "i have a boyfriend" .   Get rid of this awful person now and forever!

Yes!  I was going to tell you this story in my post and then I didn't 

When my, now, DH and I were just friends we lived in different states and communicated by phone and email. I knew he wanted to be more than friends and I didn't and I said I thought we should stop communicating. He said much the same as Motherhendoula's DH  - it's not what I want but if that's what you need then ok. And he DID. NOT. CONTACT. ME. Not one email. Not one text. No trying to talk me around or saying "I know what you said, but..." He respected my decision. And he still treats me with respect every minute of every day.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I have not responded on this thread before, because by time I had read it was last week when you said you had left him, and I rejoiced!  But, I was afraid of logging back on one day to see you went back... I did not expect it to be so soon... Your "left" post sounded so strong!!

Please, I urge you, along with all the other posters on this thread, to get away from this "man" and block all communication with him so he is not tempting, or he cannot guilt you anymore. 

He does not talk nor act like a man of God.  He is already using emotional abuse tactics with you... it WILL get worse the longer you are with him, until you get to a point where you are no longer sure of what is your real thoughts or the thoughts he has guilted you to have.

I urge you to read the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.  I believe it even covers the "Religious Abuser".  Please, it is NOT God's will for you to live with abuse the rest of your life... it may be God's Will to show you how strong you can be to stand up for yourself and grow strength in your self to be your own person and be on your own.  You DO NOT need a man at your side, ESPECIALLY this UAV!!!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

I urge you to read the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.  I believe it even covers the "Religious Abuser".  Please, it is NOT God's will for you to live with abuse the rest of your life... it may be God's Will to show you how strong you can be to stand up for yourself and grow strength in your self to be your own person and be on your own.  You DO NOT need a man at your side, ESPECIALLY this UAV!!!

Yes I think it DOES cover the "religious abuser" - PLEASE read this book.  It truly, honestly, changed my life.  Really.  Reading it made the lights go back on, and made everything that had happened to me make sense - b/c they sure didn't when I was with my ex!!

[princesstutu]

Wow. 

((((((((((((((OP))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You know, if you are too busy to keep up with this thread, you are probably too busy to deal with that guy, too.  Just sayin'. 

I'm not worried about you going back to him, because women tend to leave a man an average of 7 times before they leave permanently.  You *are* strong enough to walk away and stay away.  Until you do, please know that you have a world of women behind you cheering you on and supporting you.  No matter how many times you go back and walk away.

[darcytrue]

I broke it off guys. It was my fourth try and finally worked. I have a job interview in an hour but I want to post the actual email I sent him and what he sent back to me later today when I get a chance. OMG!!! He was absolutely over the top nasty and psychotic in his response. He twisted the truth so bad that it almost screwed with MY head even though I know the truth. I've been confiding in a couple friends for weeks now, especially one friend in particular. She kept warning me. Especially after I told her he said I had demons in my house one time and that he cast them out!!

On Sunday he was telling me some of my "faults" yet again. He did that a lot. And it finally got to the point where I was upset and told him okay, here's the thing, if I'm this bad then I'm messing up YOUR walk with God anyway so we are going to need to end this. I did it peacefully too, in my email I was nice. I didn't want to talk to him verbally on the phone cause he would just talk me out of it everytime. That night (Sunday) I went to bed early, exhausted and didn't want to talk to him. He called and texted like crazy and when he couldn't get me he IM'd my SON on facebook. My son!!!! He told him he was going to drive over if I didn't pick up and was I REALLY asleep and my son checked and then went back and told him and asked why was he coming over?? My son was oblivous cause I do not share my personal life with my child, even though he is in high school. I was PISSED when I found this out the next day but nice about it. Because I'm always nice, always. I'm never nasty to people. I hold it all in. lol. When he was IM'ing my son he also told him that if he "never" saw him again that it was nice knowing him. WTHeck!!!??? That totally confused my son.

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday. It was a busy, busy day. The guy I was dating slept til 2pm (the usual). He stays up til 4am and goes to bed and sleeps all day. Lazy as all get out. Then texts me and I'm busy and don't get back soon. So he calls around 3pm when I'm busy picking up kids and what not. My morning was completely free though, coulda talked all morning had he woke up and called. He's unemployed and had the time. But nope, he wanted me available on HIS time frame only or he gets pissed. It never went 'both ways' for him, ever. So he got pissed cause I couldn't talk long when he called at 3pm. Said call me later please or let him know when I would be available. Instead I went on to bed. Told him I would probably crash early cause it was a long day and i had gotten up at 5:30am. Keep in mind I have a 1 yr old, 8 yr old and 15 yr old and I work from home. I have a LIFE basically. This obviously upset him, even though he had told me earlier he had things to do with his own son all evening and wouldn't be able to talk til much later, like 10:30pm or so. Too late for me, sorry.

I wake up at 4am to a message on Facebook from him stating if I don't call him today (Thursday) that he will never talk to me again and to never call him again. I was like whaaaat??? I hadn't done anything. lol.

So I wrote him a very long email and explained why we should go ahead and break up then. He was finally seeing it MY way, yessss!!! I no longer had to feel I was hurting his feelings. Oh and then he writes back very angry, bashing me, telling me I'm wanting worldly men to go have sex with and get drunk and party. I'm like whaaaat?? I am a person who has never even stepped foot in to a bar. I do drink sometimes but I have never partied nor been to a bar. Never even been to a rock concert before. lol. He knows this stuff. I'm not perfect, not a saint but not nasty either. I live a somewhat good life at this piont in my life (I'm 42, btw). Sooo...he is really nasty, saying his stepdad told him to dump me cause I'm a psycho like all the other girls he dated.

Okay, this man often spoke of demons in his house, my house and in people. He would talk about how he would know if I ever cheated on him cause God will give him details in his mind and through his dreams. He talked about the end of the world often, obsessed over it actually. Wouldn't have sex and said he wouldn't til marriage but yet encouraged a BJ every chance he could get one from me. lol. And yet he was accusing me all of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere of being this hardcore sexual addict wanting a non-Christian man, to party and drink all the time. I'm like where the heck is this coming from? I'm home with my kids every night. Just a few weeks ago the guy was complaining that we only get to see one another 1 night per week cause my kids come FIRST. I don't even go out with him cause he has no job so he has no money and we either hung at my house or his bored out of our minds. Or atleast I was.

Anyway, I texted him this morning to tell him he needed help and he wrote back and said "lose my number, you have problems, never contact me again." And just last night he was telling ME if I didn't call him today that I didn't really care about him all this time. uhhhhhh...hmmm...I was nice to him the whole time, never said an unkind word and he totally devilishly attacked me for no reason last night in his emails. ugh ugh ugh. I'm glad he is finally gone but it HURTS like heck to have someone ruin your name by saying false things about you. I will pray about it but what if he tells others false things about me??? I haevn't done anything wrong. :(   I simply wanted to break up with him. He was wrong for me. That's all. He took a total shift and turned in to the devil last night.

I really need friends right now and a place to vent (here I hope). I have reached out to friends I have that are there for me but I'm totally lost now. I don't know what to do about church. We were attending together, something I didn't want to do and never should have agreed with. So I'm thinking of going back to my old church. How could I let this happen?? I saw subtle warning signs about how he would be towards me once we really did break up but I didn't want to believe it. Now I know. :(