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dating a "sensitive" man - Page 8

post #141 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by motherhendoula View Post

Im not a Christian - but i was a single mother for several years.  i know how desperate it can make you feel.   I felt old and used up and ugly and thought i would never find someone to love me EVER AGAIN after my divorce.  Interestingly my ex was similar to this 'man' you describe - it took me three years to move out.   Eventually, i did meet somebody who was kind and thoughtful - and always seems to consider my feelings before his own.   IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT!   heres how i knew he was the one for me - i broke up with him....(long story but mostly - i was scared something would inevitably go wrong , this guy lived far away i had an old car and felt i shouldnt spend so much $ on gas!)  so  i quickly broke up with this kind sweet man ...you know what he said? 

" OK, I wasnt expecting this, im sad -but OK - i hope we can still remain friends"           then he got out of my car.

I was flabbergasted - he didnt argue with me and try to tell me all the reasons i should NOT break up with him....he simply said OK and got out of my car.....i cried my eyes out on the ride home - two weeks later i called him and asked to see him again.... two years after that we moved in together , got married and this past summer had a baby together.  

its not worth compromising  everything in your life - just to be able to say "i have a boyfriend" .   Get rid of this awful person now and forever!



This is exactly what I've been telling myself for four weeks now!!! I am so thankful he is gone now. I know he will never talk to me again. He made that clear. I don't worry about him trying to call or get me back. It will NOT happen, trust me, I know. He is pissed I figured him out and I know he is. He was evil and he was manipulating me. I finally figured it out and he got upset and this is how he deals, makes me out to be like allllll the other past girlfriends, a total psychotic, devil possessed woman. Oh lordy. I knew he would do this once I found out he said all his other girls were the bad ones, he never was. He even said in his good-bye email not to even look at his face cause I am so evil if I were to ever see him out anywhere, lol. hahahaha!! Oh my freaking goodness. That is so hilariously insane.

post #142 of 277

Please, please, please don't put this on yourself.  He has a problem, not you.  As far as I can see, you're acting in every way that I understand to be "Christian"- caring, forgiving, understanding.  And don't worry about what he says about you...chances are that ANYBODY who's known him for a substantial amount of time knows that he blames everybody else for every problem in his life.  

 

On a lighter note, you may be one of his "psycho ex-girlfriends", but you can probably go ahead and add yourself to all the "model-types" he used to date.  winky.gif

 

Please be good to yourself. 

post #143 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by milosmomma View Post

 

On a lighter note, you may be one of his "psycho ex-girlfriends", but you can probably go ahead and add yourself to all the "model-types" he used to date.  winky.gif

 

Please be good to yourself. 


Perfectly said - and so true! 

 

The only demon in your house was him.

 

And this is the horror show when you were just DATING - when people are acting their "best"!  Can you imagine if you'd actually gotten married?  By ending it with him, you've saved your children and yourself untold misery.

 

And he doesn't have to see it your way, or agree, for you to break up with him.  Break-ups don't usually end well or neatly sealed, like in movies.  And the longer you're away from this "man" you truly will not care what he thinks, what he did, what happened, or whatever.  You are free.  Never bother trying to explain yourself to a psycho because as you have discovered - there is never an answer good enough. 

post #144 of 277

Oh and get him blocked on FB.  Block him on your son's too.  Whether or not you think he won't contact you again, protect your son from it please.  I am so glad to see such a positive update. 

post #145 of 277

I am so happy to see that this particular relationship is over- he was toxic.  

 

After reading through though, I do worry about how often you voiced that you aren't good at being alone.  I was terrified of being alone and jumped into a couple toxic situations as well.  It wasn't until I took a long block of time in the middle of all of that to realize that I needed to be alone a while and until I was ok with being alone, I wouldn' t be able to be in a healthy relationship. 

 

It did take a while, but I'm now happily married and I am secure enough with myself to be able to have a healthy relationship.  

 

For now, I'd just work on enjoying your kids and learning to enjoy the peace of being on your own. 

post #146 of 277

That's awesome.  I"m so glad you were able to see things with so much clarity.  You need NEED to get over this "nice no matter what" thing.  It's the way abusers get you, every time whether your a "nice" kid or a "nice" grownup. 

 

I'll say it again, the book "Your perfect Right" was wonderful for me to really start getting assertive.  Another thing that helped was a social psychology class and an abnormal psychology class.  If you could get your hands on those two textbooks and read them, that would be great.  Another class I took was about "reality" and the textbook was called "The production of Reality" it was amazing...the class changed my whole outlook on life, people, reality, etc.  You can get used older textbooks for super cheap on ebay or amazon.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Production-Reality-Readings-Psychology-Science/dp/0803990146/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1299167510&sr=8-4

 

"You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read." Charlie Tremendous Jones

 

From this thread, I'd say you have a great book list for tremendous change.


Edited by chaoticzenmom - 3/3/11 at 8:07am
post #147 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post

That's awesome.  I"m so glad you were able to see things with so much clarity.  You need NEED to get over this "nice no matter what" thing.  It's the way abusers get you, every time whether your a "nice" kid or a "nice" grownup. 



Yeah, it's completely necessary to be able to stand up for yourself - and you don't have to "mean" to do it.  I would highly recommend looking at some of those books, in fact, they are going on my reading list too!

post #148 of 277

I also want to mention that you may be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder or other mental disorder.  It sounds like he has some paranoia in there as well.  You can't treat him like a normal person...meaning that you'll not be able to reason with him because you don't see things the same way he does.  You need to be very firm and direct and put yourself out of his reach.  Don't be nice.  Being nice is how people get really hurt in these situations. 

 

I knew a girl who broke up with a guy who had issues.  They used to come in and look at rings when I worked at a jewelry store.  He was trying to get her to marry him.  Months after thier breakup, he came to her work and asked to drive her home from work so they could talk..he wanted to clear the air and apologize.  She didn't want to, but she wanted to be nice and didn't know how to tell him "no."  He drove her home and killed her.  This guy sounds scary enough that you need to let him know that you will not be nice to him.  Block his contact any way you can.

 

About your church, yes, change churches.  Maybe you can find a church that will be more empowering to you.  I don't know which one you go to, but there may be some good ones around you that would support you more.  I worry that you're attending a church that isn't very supportive to females.  beliefnet.com has a questionnaire that may help you narrow down which church you would like to attend.  That's how I knew UU was right for me.

 

http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx

post #149 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post

I also want to mention that you may be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder or other mental disorder.  It sounds like he has some paranoia in there as well.  You can't treat him like a normal person...meaning that you'll not be able to reason with him because you don't see things the same way he does.  You need to be very firm and direct and put yourself out of his reach.  Don't be nice.  Being nice is how people get really hurt in these situations. 

 

 


This. Casting out demons? This guy has some problems. Even just reading about him frightens me. 

post #150 of 277

I am so glad you are breaking out of this Darcy! This makes my morning, for sure.

 

Can I (continue to) gently prod you a bit more?

 

I dated a psycho within the last few years, it's quite fresh in my mind. He had a LOT of overlapping behaviors with the dude you've described here.

I found that I had about five "extra" resurgences from him because I was always so 'nice' to him. I wasn't 'nice' in the sense of flattering. It was like this:

 

He would write me some email telling me he missed me, wished he hadn't screwed up with me, etc. I would call a girlfriend and we would grade his notes. They came in consistently at a D+ ranking. The level of apology was never aligned with the level of BS he had perpetuated (ignored my calls, implied that I was too fat to have sex with after telling me he wanted to do so, stood me up once, etc. This poor guy really wanted a mommy to discipline and pamper him. It was exhausting). I ALMOST took a red pen and graded/edited his "work" and sent it back. It would have been a lot more fun that what I DID do, which was humor him and let him keep talking to me. I was actually surprised with how VERY quickly the old patterns kicked back in with him. I thought I could get a few weeks of companionship out of the deal, but no, it was always "I'm sorry. Now you take me back like I'm fully exonerated and the king of your vagina and life". Ugh. 

 

When I finally decided to believe the D+ of his offerings, I decided to burn the bridge. And it still took a few times. I blocked his phone(s) from my house and sent an 'unavailable' card in the post. A few months later, just long enough for me to forget why I wasn't talking to him, he USED A PHONE AT WORK to call me and give me a C- message. I did email with him a few more times, just long enough to be reminded (See a pattern?) why I had dumped him.

 

I realized in therapy that I was (despite my assertions of personal bad-assness and Gender studies savvy) vulnerable to the way he would play me. He would wait just long enough for me to have deleted the old messages, let go of some of the pain, whatever. I don't know if he knew this, or I was just THAT NICE AND NAIVE as to be obvious. I was way too transparent and he was way too manipulative and selfish. It was not going to be good for me and my kids.

 

I realized that it was a good time to not have the same phone number anymore. I had to become honest about my weaknesses. For me, not calling him had been sustainable, despite the issues I still was working on resolving in the meantime. But I had a weakness for being contacted, no matter how much a violation it was on his part. When I stopped being NICE and saying 'I'm unavailable' and changed my tune to "Do not call me. Ever. I will not give this relationship another chance.", things changed. On MY end, because now he CAN'T call me, can't email me, can't catch me on a rough day when my kids have been sick and there's no $ for recreation and I have papers due and the dog peed on the floor and I'm mad at my babydaddy and could really use a hug. I love the fact that I took charge of the situation, and if he manages to contact me again, there are friends who I've informed that it will become stalking rather than 'trying again'. I don't think it will come to that, but if it does, it won't be because I was unclear, it will be because he is psycho.

 

All of this to say, I wasn't really "NICE" to him. All throughout knowing him, I stated clearly the problems I had with his behaviour. But to talk to him at all had been an act of niceness. If I should bump into him in person and he tries to talk to me, I'm fully emotionally prepared to shut him DOWN, and I suggest you don't take this dude's drama-"promise" to leave you alone for granted. Don't live in fear and create his continued presence in your life that way, just be aware. Be aware that dudes like this don't know how whack their behavior really is, and aren't considering you in the equation of calling you back. If you need to use some "F words" with him, quickly, loudly, and with finality, I don't think it is necessarily a bad idea.

post #151 of 277

Wow. Darcy, I'm so glad you finally ended it. Isn't it amazing how ugly and scary he is and he still call himself a Christian? Insane. You could be the most perfect incredible sweet person on earth, and if you wouldn't give him every little thing he wanted, he would have painted you as evil. I wish he didn't know where you live. Really, you should watch the movie Frailty if you haven't seen it yet. I hope he doesn't sit around and fester revengeful ideas in his anger towards you, but he probably is. Be careful. Change your routine up if he thinks he knows where to find you. Also, do you have a regular phone in your house that doesn't require plugging into an electrical socket to work? You don't have to have phone service for it to be able to call 911. You just have to plug it into a working jack. If I were you, I'd put one in each of your family's bedrooms and consider getting an alarm for your house if you don't have one.

post #152 of 277

Print all his e-mails and other correspondence.  You need to keep documentation of his craziness so that you can get a restraining order if necessary.

 

De-friend (not just hide) him on Facebook (for both you and your son), block his e-mail and phone number.  Let you older son know that this man is dangerous and that he is not to have contact with him under any circumstance.  If he has a key to your home have your locks changed.  Stop going to your mutual church and start going to your old church.  He WILL try to contact you.  Make it extremely difficult if not impossible.

 

Please do not worry about what he is saying to other people about you.  If someone knows him and knows you and takes his side they are definitely not someone you want in your life.

 

Again, he will try to weasel his way back into your life.  Make sure he stays gone!

post #153 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy Alden View Post

Print all his e-mails and other correspondence.  You need to keep documentation of his craziness so that you can get a restraining order if necessary.

 

De-friend (not just hide) him on Facebook (for both you and your son), block his e-mail and phone number.  Let you older son know that this man is dangerous and that he is not to have contact with him under any circumstance.  If he has a key to your home have your locks changed.  Stop going to your mutual church and start going to your old church.  He WILL try to contact you.  Make it extremely difficult if not impossible.

 

Please do not worry about what he is saying to other people about you.  If someone knows him and knows you and takes his side they are definitely not someone you want in your life.

 

Again, he will try to weasel his way back into your life.  Make sure he stays gone!


Lucy says so succinctly what I was going for. You are still believing he will leave you alone because he got pissed off and chose to emote on you. It is, statistically, unlikely. You have to fully jettison the idea that "getting him to see it your way" is anything to aspire towards. No contact. That's it. No contact. Restraining order if he pushes it. Keep friends in your house so you don't get lonely and confused. Read some assertiveness books, study up on the statistics of why women are in correctional facilities or of the European witch burnings. Get pissed off rather than wishy washy!

 

post #154 of 277

I didn't reply before, but I am glad you can see that he is crazy and not acting Christian-like.  I hope you also realize that you are not crazy.  He is just name-calling and manipulating you.

 

It also sounds like he was gaslighting you.  http://www.enotalone.com/article/16906.html

post #155 of 277
Has anybody posted this yet? http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I bet he tries again.
post #156 of 277

Oh, I too think he'll try again.  Not because he cares about you (as nothing in his behavior towards you was anything like love is described to be in the Bible), but because he didn't get his way, and that makes him mad.  And I suggest you follow the advice about saving messages, etc. and beware of stalking behavior, because his is some of the crazier behavior I've read about on this site.  He's not just bad news - he's scary bad news.  It's not about being "nice" at this point, it's about protecting yourself and your children from someone who's going all Charlie Sheen on you.  And YES, what's your son doing with this guy on Facebook?  Delete, and then BLOCK.

post #157 of 277

There is no question in my mind that he will try again. I second the advice to unfriend him on Facebook and all social media -- on your account AND your son's. Block his phone number, e-mail address, and texts. No more contact of any kind -- he's going to try to get you to justify breaking up with him, and to make you feel that you are in the wrong and therefore are required to take him back.

 

It's very worrying to me that you continued to text and talk with him after 'breaking up." YOU DO NOT NEED HIM TO AGREE WITH YOU IN ORDER TO END THE RELATIONSHIP. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE THINKS. He needs to be completely out of your life. Then you won't know what he thinks anyway, so it won't be your problem. What can you possibly get out of contact with him now? Nothing but grief. Every single time you accept his text messages or read his e-mail, you are rewarding him for pressuring you. Don't reward bad, damaging behavior that makes you feel bad and violates your boundaries. You don't need him to think you're nice or that you're right and he's wrong -- you just need him to be gone.

post #158 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by vannienicole View Post

Oh and get him blocked on FB.  Block him on your son's too.  Whether or not you think he won't contact you again, protect your son from it please.  I am so glad to see such a positive update. 



He already had me blocked early this morning. He was up early for once! lol. In fact, he blocked his whole family....people I didn't even have as friends. lol.

 

post #159 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post

There is no question in my mind that he will try again. I second the advice to unfriend him on Facebook and all social media -- on your account AND your son's. Block his phone number, e-mail address, and texts. No more contact of any kind -- he's going to try to get you to justify breaking up with him, and to make you feel that you are in the wrong and therefore are required to take him back.

 

It's very worrying to me that you continued to text and talk with him after 'breaking up." YOU DO NOT NEED HIM TO AGREE WITH YOU IN ORDER TO END THE RELATIONSHIP. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE THINKS. He needs to be completely out of your life. Then you won't know what he thinks anyway, so it won't be your problem. What can you possibly get out of contact with him now? Nothing but grief. Every single time you accept his text messages or read his e-mail, you are rewarding him for pressuring you. Don't reward bad, damaging behavior that makes you feel bad and violates your boundaries. You don't need him to think you're nice or that you're right and he's wrong -- you just need him to be gone.


He won't try again. I even sent him a text early this morning ( I know, I know) and said something to him about how this is for the best, being NICE to him still after his nasty emails. Then he wrote back and told me to stop harrassing HIM, leave him alone, I'm the devil, never look at him in the fact if I see him out, lose his number, etc. He is done for sure. No doubt there.
 

 

post #160 of 277
Thread Starter 

What's really stupid of me is to never ask the people at the "old church" we both attended at one time WHY they banned this guy from ever coming there again. He said they literally told him if he ever set foot on the premises (or his family) that they would call the police. But yet his story just didn't measure up as to WHY they kicked him out of that particular church. This was a church I loved by the way and I left it in December finally just to make him happy. We had been going to a church together on Sunday mornings (against my better judgment) that he wanted to go to and where TWO of his ex-girlfriends attend.....one being the one that he said was always angry and mean to him and downright devilish but yet she is in this church singing in the choir and very involved. hmmmm. Now I will be the devilish girl he talks about to the next one I suppose. I do know that I'm going BACK to my last church. I miss it greatly!!!

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