or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › dating a "sensitive" man
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

dating a "sensitive" man - Page 9

post #161 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy Alden View Post

Print all his e-mails and other correspondence.  You need to keep documentation of his craziness so that you can get a restraining order if necessary.

 

De-friend (not just hide) him on Facebook (for both you and your son), block his e-mail and phone number.  Let you older son know that this man is dangerous and that he is not to have contact with him under any circumstance.  If he has a key to your home have your locks changed.  Stop going to your mutual church and start going to your old church.  He WILL try to contact you.  Make it extremely difficult if not impossible.

 

Please do not worry about what he is saying to other people about you.  If someone knows him and knows you and takes his side they are definitely not someone you want in your life.

 

Again, he will try to weasel his way back into your life.  Make sure he stays gone!



I have saved all of his psycho emails from this morning. The guy literally went from practically begging me to call him at 1am this morning to saying nasty things to me and calling me names by 4am. He was pissed at me? I'm just living life with 3 kids and he sleeps all day til 2pm and was pissed cause I hadn't talked to him AND I was cancelling out on seeing him today. I had been going over there sometimes on Thursdays while putting both my girls in child care (one is 8 and homeschooled) just so I could be with him. Anything I did was never, ever enough. I did so much to make myself available and he would go hours between texting me and ignoring me like crazy then turn around and say I did it to him. He said I made him "chase" me. That is so far from the truth. I think the fact that he started to see that I "figured him out" was really what did it for him. That made it easy for him to finally get nasty and break it off as well. He will never contact me again, I am totally sure of that. I just know. I can tell. I have a feeling. I trust my gut on this. I know he won't. I have had a couple really good friends step up and be there for me today, one is a man and yes he is a man I knew "before" this guy and he is at my old church and I don't plan on doing anything like a rebound, but he has been wonderful!!! I am so thankful.

 

post #162 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by milosmomma View Post

Please, please, please don't put this on yourself.  He has a problem, not you.  As far as I can see, you're acting in every way that I understand to be "Christian"- caring, forgiving, understanding.  And don't worry about what he says about you...chances are that ANYBODY who's known him for a substantial amount of time knows that he blames everybody else for every problem in his life.  

 

On a lighter note, you may be one of his "psycho ex-girlfriends", but you can probably go ahead and add yourself to all the "model-types" he used to date.  winky.gif

 

Please be good to yourself. 



Thank you. That is so sweet. Yeah, he went from practically begging me not to break up in the early am hours to calling me a crazy psycho that wants a "worldly man" to date and wants to party and have fun and not what he thought "I" was. I have no idea where that stuff even came from. lol. He knew I have never even set foot in a bar or club EVER my entire life and I'm 42, not a goody two shoes by any means, but just sayin.....and he also knew I don't do drugs or party. He KNOWS I was good to him, always there, always there for my kids.

 

I really think what it boils down to is that he was jealous of my life. Anytime I wasn't giving to him or showing that I wanted him or needed him upset him. He even commented in one of those last emails that he was neglecting his own son to pay attention to me. First off, he only has his son a few times a week and I got to where I would never text or call when his son was there. Then he got mad and said I was ignoring him when I did that. He allowed his son to stay up til midnight most nights and then got pissed when I didn't want to talk once he went to bed. Then said he was ignoring his own child if he talked to me earlier in the night than that. ??? And said I put my kids first "always" and he was going to start doing that too. He never once put his child first. From the first moment I met him I could tell he was an uninvolved dad. He always commented negatively on my homeschooling and I caught him on many occasions giving me odd looks when I would be having fun with my girls in front of him when he would come over. He was jealous and that never would have worked long term regardless of all the other million issues we had going on.

 

post #163 of 277

There's such an amazing feeling that goes with the work of learning how to protect yourself and love yourself too.  You seem like a good person who deserves much better than what this guy was willing to give.  I've experienced a few relationships with men (women too) that I let too far into my life b'c I was trying to be kind to them.  Here are some example conversations: 

 

I'm working in the yard raking leaves, overly friendly  (who ended up being creepy and stalker-ish, and I'd already told him not to drop by or call or text at all anymore) neighbor guy appears in my yard as if we were great friends and says:

N: "Hi!  Can I take some of your leaves for my yard?"

Me: "No." without even looking at him and continue my work.

N:  "I need them for my trees, to mulch with."

Me: "No, sorry." again without looking up.

 

 

Here's another:

 

New-ish guy friend, after we'd gotten to know each other a bit and I liked his personality, etc:

(text) Friend: "Hi, want to talk? I can call you now."

Me: "Hi!  I'm in the middle of a project and if I don't stay focussed it won't get finished tonight.  Talk later, hope your day was good."

 

My phone rings within minutes, it new-friend guy.  And I don't answer.  He leaves a voicemail sating that he's calling "to say Hi", he wanted to talk (the tone of the message is not emergency), BUT I take this as a huge sign that he simply didn't want to respect my request, and I won't put up with that anymore!

 

Anyway, I'm posting this stuff b'c it's easy to slip into looking out for others' feeling before looking after your own best interests.  There are faaar more serious relationship problems than the ones I posted here, I posted these to give an example of how easy it is for someone to try to get you to ignore yourself when you're in "nice person" mode.  It was a real wake up for me to see how often I let other people walk all over me to be "nice" to them.  Ugh.  I hope this guy leaves you alone for good and if he comes back, I wish you strength.

post #164 of 277
Thread Starter 

I want to also mention that I joined a group online that is offered through the church we have both been attending. They have this little message board community similar to this one. I have added some friends in the last week or so since joining and he was one of them. He is an avid reader on there. So I added a girl on Sunday of this week who I "think" is one of the ex-girlfriends of his, maybe even the one in the choir that he had told me was an angry person, devilish, not a real Christian, etc. But yet she is very involved in the church and seems really positive and Godly (and is beautiful). I contacted her via email today and told her I would like to talk to her. I am going to ask her flat out if she is one of his exes and try to find out if she went through this. If she says she did, then it will help ease things a lot for me.

post #165 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by number572 View Post

There's such an amazing feeling that goes with the work of learning how to protect yourself and love yourself too.  You seem like a good person who deserves much better than what this guy was willing to give.  I've experienced a few relationships with men (women too) that I let too far into my life b'c I was trying to be kind to them.  Here are some example conversations: 

 

I'm working in the yard raking leaves, overly friendly  (who ended up being creepy and stalker-ish, and I'd already told him not to drop by or call or text at all anymore) neighbor guy appears in my yard as if we were great friends and says:

N: "Hi!  Can I take some of your leaves for my yard?"

Me: "No." without even looking at him and continue my work.

N:  "I need them for my trees, to mulch with."

Me: "No, sorry." again without looking up.

 

 

Here's another:

 

New-ish guy friend, after we'd gotten to know each other a bit and I liked his personality, etc:

(text) Friend: "Hi, want to talk? I can call you now."

Me: "Hi!  I'm in the middle of a project and if I don't stay focussed it won't get finished tonight.  Talk later, hope your day was good."

 

My phone rings within minutes, it new-friend guy.  And I don't answer.  He leaves a voicemail sating that he's calling "to say Hi", he wanted to talk (the tone of the message is not emergency), BUT I take this as a huge sign that he simply didn't want to respect my request, and I won't put up with that anymore!

 

Anyway, I'm posting this stuff b'c it's easy to slip into looking out for others' feeling before looking after your own best interests.  There are faaar more serious relationship problems than the ones I posted here, I posted these to give an example of how easy it is for someone to try to get you to ignore yourself when you're in "nice person" mode.  It was a real wake up for me to see how often I let other people walk all over me to be "nice" to them.  Ugh.  I hope this guy leaves you alone for good and if he comes back, I wish you strength.



Thank you. :)

post #166 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post





Thank you. That is so sweet. Yeah, he went from practically begging me not to break up in the early am hours to calling me a crazy psycho that wants a "worldly man" to date and wants to party and have fun and not what he thought "I" was. I have no idea where that stuff even came from. lol. He knew I have never even set foot in a bar or club EVER my entire life and I'm 42, not a goody two shoes by any means, but just sayin.....and he also knew I don't do drugs or party. He KNOWS I was good to him, always there, always there for my kids.

 

I really think what it boils down to is that he was jealous of my life. Anytime I wasn't giving to him or showing that I wanted him or needed him upset him. He even commented in one of those last emails that he was neglecting his own son to pay attention to me. First off, he only has his son a few times a week and I got to where I would never text or call when his son was there. Then he got mad and said I was ignoring him when I did that. He allowed his son to stay up til midnight most nights and then got pissed when I didn't want to talk once he went to bed. Then said he was ignoring his own child if he talked to me earlier in the night than that. ??? And said I put my kids first "always" and he was going to start doing that too. He never once put his child first. From the first moment I met him I could tell he was an uninvolved dad. He always commented negatively on my homeschooling and I caught him on many occasions giving me odd looks when I would be having fun with my girls in front of him when he would come over. He was jealous and that never would have worked long term regardless of all the other million issues we had going on.

 


That might be true, but from the point of view of an objective outsider who, granted, knows only what she knows from your internet thread, what it *really* boils down to is the guy is unbalanced. I think once you realize you can't treat him like a normal human being, or ascribe motives to him like you would to a healthy person, you will be much farther ahead. I'm so glad to hear you're going back to your own church, with your own community. And it's good he's banned, it means he can't follow you. Although I have to admit to being a little shocked about having been kicked out of a church -- I mean, aren't churches supposed to be tolerant places? What does one have to do to be asked to never come back? His ex-gf may or may not want to talk about him though. Who knows what's she's been through with this guy. She might just want to put it all behind her. A friend of mine had this happen to her (although she was the 2nd ex, not the 1st). She finally, finally, finally broke up with a guy that everyone knew was bad news. When she did so, she was contacted by his previous gf, who wanted to know if he had been physically violent (he had been), etc. It had been difficult for my friend to break up with this guy to begin with, and when she did so, she did so decisively. No contact at all. So she ex-gf contacting her to chat about him was like bringing it all up for her again, which was something she wasn't up for. In any case, it doesn't matter what kind of experience other gfs have had. He treated you in a scary manner. End of. 

post #167 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thank you. That is so sweet. Yeah, he went from practically begging me not to break up in the early am hours to calling me a crazy psycho that wants a "worldly man" to date and wants to party and have fun and not what he thought "I" was. I have no idea where that stuff even came from. lol. He knew I have never even set foot in a bar or club EVER my entire life and I'm 42, not a goody two shoes by any means, but just sayin.....and he also knew I don't do drugs or party. He KNOWS I was good to him, always there, always there for my kids.

 

I really think what it boils down to is that he was jealous of my life. Anytime I wasn't giving to him or showing that I wanted him or needed him upset him. He even commented in one of those last emails that he was neglecting his own son to pay attention to me. First off, he only has his son a few times a week and I got to where I would never text or call when his son was there. Then he got mad and said I was ignoring him when I did that. He allowed his son to stay up til midnight most nights and then got pissed when I didn't want to talk once he went to bed. Then said he was ignoring his own child if he talked to me earlier in the night than that. ??? And said I put my kids first "always" and he was going to start doing that too. He never once put his child first. From the first moment I met him I could tell he was an uninvolved dad. He always commented negatively on my homeschooling and I caught him on many occasions giving me odd looks when I would be having fun with my girls in front of him when he would come over. He was jealous and that never would have worked long term regardless of all the other million issues we had going on.

 


No, what it really boils down to, is that he wanted to control you.  PLEASE please please read "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft.  PLEASE.  It is amazing, and will open your eyes to what was happening.  It might also scare the crap out of you (in a good way), and will help you to see what you DESERVE, and what to look out for.  It changed my life.  PLEASE read it.

post #168 of 277

I'm so glad you've ended this relationship. I do want to add a couple of things.

 

Please resist the temptation to text him to be "nice". Even if he was a lovely guy who just didn't click with you it would not be nice to break up with someone and then keep contacting them. It gives the person false hope. They think "Oh, she thought enough of me to text. She's still thinking about me/still cares". It also gives them a reasonable excuse to contact you. They are *replying* to your message, it would be rude not to, right? Then they say something which you "have" to respond to and before you know it you're back on the wheel again.

 

Also, being nice doesn't mean just giving the other person what they want all the time. It means treating them with respect. Breaking up with this guy doesn't automatically mean you weren't nice.

 

I wish you all the best. Surround yourself with people (women) who can support you and encourage you and be good to yourself. 

 

'

post #169 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post

Honestly, I am exhausted and stressed just reading about your experiences with this man.

 

This is NOT about being too sensitive.  I would liken this to being super co-dependent, neurotic and, oftentimes, common when dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

How long have you been dating this guy?  Where did you meet him?  Has it always been like this with him... from the very beginning? Or did something shift at a certain point?   



Yes, sorry, this.  He sounds like he's trying to micromanage everything to say/do WRT him.

 

And the whole reason why he doesn't want to be around your kids made me feel sick.  When DP and i got together we didn't have him see DD for a year (of our dating) FOR HER BENEFIT, so we could be sure about "us" before we introduced him into the wider "us" of our little family.  He was keen not to make any promises to me before he felt he could be true to them, and he was completely unwilling to make promises even by implication (as you see with your kids, they have expectations based on current experience - YOU are clearly not flaky, so they want to know why when HE is flaky!) to someone so vulnerable as my DD.  If he'd said he wanted me to focus on him and our togetherness and not be distracted by my CHILD i would have run for the hills.

 

This is not a dating problem.  This is not a problem with you.  This is a problem with him.  HE has a problem.  Run away.

 

ETA - LOL, baby brain has infected my browser!  It was only showing 8 posts on this thread when i replied, not all the PAGES AND PAGES!  Glad you extricated yourself OP :)

post #170 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by katelove View Post

. Surround yourself with people (women) who can support you and encourage you and be good to yourself. 

 

'



I have one true female friend. :(

 

post #171 of 277
Thread Starter 


He said he was kicked out of the old church because of problems between he and that pastor. The pastor was an old band member from a rock band he knew in the past. This is one of those churches that has people who have changed their ways and come to Christ. Most were past rockers, drug users, etc. The guy I was seeing was in a rock band for many years and he knew the pastor of this old church many years ago, before he was a pastor. He said they had conflicts once he started doing things in the pastor's church and it got to the point where they kicked him out. He told me the story of "why" but it never made sense and was toned down to the point of not making sense that they would call the police if he ever showed up on the premises again?? As well as the past girlfriends. Every single one of them were psycho. All of them. Nothing was EVER his fault. But yet he hasn't had a steady job since 2006, got fired from the last one for being "slow" and he is very slow to do anything, but I chalked that up to his personality and who he is as a person and didn't hold it against him. But yet he got a job in January of this year and it was part-time late evenings and he still would get to work late and lost that job by week 3 because he wouldn't get there on time and didn't show initiative. Then his mother turned around and babied him and said it was meant to be because God didn't want him to have that job. ugh. ugh. ugh. gosh. It ticks me off even more to talk about it.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie Mac View Post




Although I have to admit to being a little shocked about having been kicked out of a church -- I mean, aren't churches supposed to be tolerant places? What does one have to do to be asked to never come back?

post #172 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post





I have one true female friend. :(

 


We're here for you. smile.gif
post #173 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post





I have one true female friend. :(

 




We're here for you. smile.gif
 


Totally. We support you and care about you.

 

post #174 of 277

One note about facebook.  He can unblock you whenever he wants. Please take the extra step and block him as well.  Just add his email into the block page.  That way, when he tries to weasel back in, he still can't see you or your son.

post #175 of 277

double post

post #176 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by number572 View Post

There's such an amazing feeling that goes with the work of learning how to protect yourself and love yourself too.  You seem like a good person who deserves much better than what this guy was willing to give.  I've experienced a few relationships with men (women too) that I let too far into my life b'c I was trying to be kind to them.  Here are some example conversations: 

 

I'm working in the yard raking leaves, overly friendly  (who ended up being creepy and stalker-ish, and I'd already told him not to drop by or call or text at all anymore) neighbor guy appears in my yard as if we were great friends and says:

N: "Hi!  Can I take some of your leaves for my yard?"

Me: "No." without even looking at him and continue my work.

N:  "I need them for my trees, to mulch with."

Me: "No, sorry." again without looking up.

 

 

Here's another:

 

New-ish guy friend, after we'd gotten to know each other a bit and I liked his personality, etc:

(text) Friend: "Hi, want to talk? I can call you now."

Me: "Hi!  I'm in the middle of a project and if I don't stay focussed it won't get finished tonight.  Talk later, hope your day was good."

 

My phone rings within minutes, it new-friend guy.  And I don't answer.  He leaves a voicemail sating that he's calling "to say Hi", he wanted to talk (the tone of the message is not emergency), BUT I take this as a huge sign that he simply didn't want to respect my request, and I won't put up with that anymore!

 

Anyway, I'm posting this stuff b'c it's easy to slip into looking out for others' feeling before looking after your own best interests.  There are faaar more serious relationship problems than the ones I posted here, I posted these to give an example of how easy it is for someone to try to get you to ignore yourself when you're in "nice person" mode.  It was a real wake up for me to see how often I let other people walk all over me to be "nice" to them.  Ugh.  I hope this guy leaves you alone for good and if he comes back, I wish you strength.


This is AWESOME!!!!!

 

Wow, what a great thread!

 

Yes I believe you when he says he was jealous of your life. Makes sense, his upbringing probably wasn't much fun if he ended up being such a controlling and abusive person. But as you know, you can't fix him.

 

I recently met a nice man but he has this habit of telling me what to do that I find excruciatingly annoying and is a real turn off. (LIke saying at a social event, "you should __________") (Dance, play that instrument over there, whatever.) It raises my red flags even though he is always kind about it, it has a controlling vibe that annoys me.

 

 

post #177 of 277

double post

post #178 of 277

He may or may not have been jealous of your life.  But what it really boils down to is:  He's mentally unstable!

 

You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out "why".  He's a big crazy stew and no one you should ever subject your children to again!

post #179 of 277

You have dumped and blocked him on FB, deleted his phone number and blocked his incoming calls, yes? Because I know his type. He doesn't want to take "no" for an answer when it is not on his terms. The only way he feels validated in his life at all is by making others feel awful. And you were caught in the vortex. I know his type. He is a predator. You need to take a step back when you think about this relationship and realize that it was not a relationship, it was a dance of manipulation. Nothing, nothing at all he said about you to make you feel bad was ever true. All he did was look at your vulnerabilities and insecurities and exploit them to make himself feel powerful. A real relationship respects boundaries. A real relationship respects each others' families, and time commitments. He is a fraud and a creep and you need to refuse all contact with him.

post #180 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by ell View Post

You have dumped and blocked him on FB, deleted his phone number and blocked his incoming calls, yes? Because I know his type. He doesn't want to take "no" for an answer when it is not on his terms. The only way he feels validated in his life at all is by making others feel awful. And you were caught in the vortex. I know his type. He is a predator. You need to take a step back when you think about this relationship and realize that it was not a relationship, it was a dance of manipulation. Nothing, nothing at all he said about you to make you feel bad was ever true. All he did was look at your vulnerabilities and insecurities and exploit them to make himself feel powerful. A real relationship respects boundaries. A real relationship respects each others' families, and time commitments. He is a fraud and a creep and you need to refuse all contact with him.



 All of that.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › dating a "sensitive" man