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post #181 of 277

You need to take a step back when you think about this relationship and realize that it was not a relationship, it was a dance of manipulation. Nothing, nothing at all he said about you to make you feel bad was ever true. All he did was look at your vulnerabilities and insecurities and exploit them to make himself feel powerful. A real relationship respects boundaries. A real relationship respects each others' families, and time commitments. He is a fraud and a creep and you need to refuse all contact with him.

 

 - so well put!!!

post #182 of 277

wow this thread has been amazing. i too dated a psycho/manipulator/narcissist and so many of these comments sound familiar.

 

i finally left him the 4th time for good. it took me running away from my parents house and tossing out my old cell phone. creeps!

post #183 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post





He already had me blocked early this morning. He was up early for once! lol. In fact, he blocked his whole family....people I didn't even have as friends. lol.

 



Block him he could always unblock you at his will. Add him to your block list for your own control over your privacy.

 

post #184 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy View Post





Block him he could always unblock you at his will. Add him to your block list for your own control over your privacy.

 



I tried to do that but I can't since he already blocked me first.  :-/

post #185 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momtwice View Post




 

Yes I believe you when he says he was jealous of your life. Makes sense, his upbringing probably wasn't much fun if he ended up being such a controlling and abusive person. But as you know, you can't fix him.

 

 



He was raised in a VERY abusive family. His father abused his mother in front of him most of his life up until his dad finally left. Then his mom had boyfriend after boyfriend, all abusive and they were abusive to him as well, hitting him, cursing him out for no reason (he said) and he said he was sexually abused by one man. :(  His father also tried to kill his mom in front of him. His dad was an alcoholic who even had to live with him for about a month last year right after we started dating....and he said his dad told him he would shoot him if he had a gun to do it with. :( His dad acted as though he hated him. He really didn't deserve that treatment and swore he was past it and forgave and was healed from all the abuse, but I think he was kidding himself. I think he needs counseling and a lot of help but he wouldn't admit to it. He always had very sad stories about his upbringing and always had sad things about his life in general, even as an adult. He would talk often about how he was taking care of his own needs by the time he was 10 years old. How he wanted to raise his child differently and now that his child is 12 years old that time is ticking away and he never had his son in a real home with a mom and siblings and living a normal day to day life. He doesn't have that type of life now though. He doesn't know how to have that type of life and yet he expects some woman to just pop in his life and give that to him, when she sees him living a very fruitless life that is full of depression and strife. It was just so hard.

 

He had never been married but has a child of his own. ALL women have done him wrong and none have been the one that he wants, a good Christian woman and he says they all lie and say they are but they  aren't. I think it's just 'him' and he scares them all away. He says they all cheated on him or just up and left with no reason. I think those that cheated felt it was their only way out. I didn't do that to him. I never could do that to someone. That would have just hurt him worse. I do care that much. But his life was always just so sad, somber and depressed. He would suck all the joy I had out of me if I was having a good day and if I were to ever have a bad day or be sad he would say I wasn't supposed to feel that way and put me down, but yet when he got that way (which was very often) I had to show I was there for him or later he would say I wasn't there for him as a Christian woman should be. He even went as far as to say "in the end" that I disappointed him and he thought I was "different" than the rest. He expected SO much of me. Its like I had to measure up to some ideal he had in his mind. He always said he wanted a wife, a family and a life and even would comment about how my life is with my kids. This man didn't even have a kitchen table in his house and the house was filthy. :(  I hung in there cause I liked him though, hoped for something, dunno what. Like I said earlier about the job situation. He hadn't had a stable job in many years. He lives off his mom and she lives off a small check each month from the government. If he didn't have a roommate his bills wouldn't get paid and they barely do anyway. All he ever did was complain about how they were several months behind in rent, utilities weren't paid, etc. He had hospital bills up in the thousands from some girl he dated a couple years ago that walked out on him after a year of dating and he had a meltdown and thought he was having a heart attack. It's almost as if he lets himself get so emotionally worked up over "women" in his life to the point of getting physically sick. He even referred back to US when we had first met last year and how 3 days after we met I upset him over something at the time and he walked out of a temp job he had at that time and had to go home because I upset him and he got a speeding ticket on the way home. I was always, constantly told I caused this or that to happen. Then that job he had a few weeks ago for only two short weeks he lost because he was upset over me and the fact that I tried to break up with him (that was the first time I tried). I just don't understand him. He wanted ME to be the normal one so he could be around ME but yet I was more normal than he was???? lol Was I not? he had it all twisted around to try and make me think it was me that wasn't normal and he was healed of his horrible upbringing and I was just constantly bringing him down.

 

post #186 of 277

I'm reading that book that was recommended about angry and controlling men...everything you've said about this guy is listed and discussed. You gotta read that book. It will help you sort out all the twists and turns he took you through and help you to avoid getting tangled up with an abusive man again. It will basically show you what a charlatan he is.

post #187 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post

I'm reading that book that was recommended about angry and controlling men...everything you've said about this guy is listed and discussed. You gotta read that book. It will help you sort out all the twists and turns he took you through and help you to avoid getting tangled up with an abusive man again. It will basically show you what a charlatan he is.


Yup, its called "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft.  It's INCREDIBLE.

 

post #188 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post





He was raised in a VERY abusive family. His father abused his mother in front of him most of his life up until his dad finally left. Then his mom had boyfriend after boyfriend, all abusive and they were abusive to him as well, hitting him, cursing him out for no reason (he said) and he said he was sexually abused by one man. :(  His father also tried to kill his mom in front of him. His dad was an alcoholic who even had to live with him for about a month last year right after we started dating....and he said his dad told him he would shoot him if he had a gun to do it with. :( His dad acted as though he hated him. He really didn't deserve that treatment and swore he was past it and forgave and was healed from all the abuse, but I think he was kidding himself. I think he needs counseling and a lot of help but he wouldn't admit to it. He always had very sad stories about his upbringing and always had sad things about his life in general, even as an adult. He would talk often about how he was taking care of his own needs by the time he was 10 years old. How he wanted to raise his child differently and now that his child is 12 years old that time is ticking away and he never had his son in a real home with a mom and siblings and living a normal day to day life. He doesn't have that type of life now though. He doesn't know how to have that type of life and yet he expects some woman to just pop in his life and give that to him, when she sees him living a very fruitless life that is full of depression and strife. It was just so hard.

 

He had never been married but has a child of his own. ALL women have done him wrong and none have been the one that he wants, a good Christian woman and he says they all lie and say they are but they  aren't. I think it's just 'him' and he scares them all away. He says they all cheated on him or just up and left with no reason. I think those that cheated felt it was their only way out. I didn't do that to him. I never could do that to someone. That would have just hurt him worse. I do care that much. But his life was always just so sad, somber and depressed. He would suck all the joy I had out of me if I was having a good day and if I were to ever have a bad day or be sad he would say I wasn't supposed to feel that way and put me down, but yet when he got that way (which was very often) I had to show I was there for him or later he would say I wasn't there for him as a Christian woman should be. He even went as far as to say "in the end" that I disappointed him and he thought I was "different" than the rest. He expected SO much of me. Its like I had to measure up to some ideal he had in his mind. He always said he wanted a wife, a family and a life and even would comment about how my life is with my kids. This man didn't even have a kitchen table in his house and the house was filthy. :(  I hung in there cause I liked him though, hoped for something, dunno what. Like I said earlier about the job situation. He hadn't had a stable job in many years. He lives off his mom and she lives off a small check each month from the government. If he didn't have a roommate his bills wouldn't get paid and they barely do anyway. All he ever did was complain about how they were several months behind in rent, utilities weren't paid, etc. He had hospital bills up in the thousands from some girl he dated a couple years ago that walked out on him after a year of dating and he had a meltdown and thought he was having a heart attack. It's almost as if he lets himself get so emotionally worked up over "women" in his life to the point of getting physically sick. He even referred back to US when we had first met last year and how 3 days after we met I upset him over something at the time and he walked out of a temp job he had at that time and had to go home because I upset him and he got a speeding ticket on the way home. I was always, constantly told I caused this or that to happen. Then that job he had a few weeks ago for only two short weeks he lost because he was upset over me and the fact that I tried to break up with him (that was the first time I tried). I just don't understand him. He wanted ME to be the normal one so he could be around ME but yet I was more normal than he was???? lol Was I not? he had it all twisted around to try and make me think it was me that wasn't normal and he was healed of his horrible upbringing and I was just constantly bringing him down.

 


He's an addict.  He is addicted to the painful drama of a chaotic and disastrous personal life.  Which is why when he doesn't have one (i.e. when he dates a nice sane, lovely someone like yourself, OP) he creates one (by treating you the way he did and acting how he does).

 

Until he has had significant help he will not stop doing this.  I speak from experience (both as the victim of someone who does this and a person who once upon a time used to be a little that way, though i "added-my-woes" rather than abusing others).  He is so familiar with the abusive prison his upbringing built around him that he goes on building that jail over and over with his partners.  When you don't wrong him he twists things to look like you did.  When you don't do anything to negatively impact his life HE does stupid things to negatively impact his life and blames you.  When you don't cheat he says you did and acts like you did.  When you (very rationally) say you want to split up he acts like you're crazy and cries and begs you not to leave him.  He is addicted to this negative drama.

 

I don't want to scare you, but this is not over for him.  All that "i'm never going to talk to you again!" is like your 5yo having a tantrum.  He needs to see you again until he lines up another victim to put through this.  He hates those other women, those evil worldy cheating women who ruined his life....but he still goes to Church where they do, so he can continue to badmouth them and keep an eye on them, right?  Delete and block him.  Block his numbers.  Instruct your children not to talk to him, online or otherwise.

 

I am not saying he is evil, i know you are a good person and a kind person, and i know you care about him.  But this is not HIM, this is his addiction, and he will do more or less anything to feed it.  He can't help it.  But you need to stay safe.  If he actually follows through on the "never speak to me again" consider yourself very lucky.  My guess is that he will try to get in touch again, directly (talking to you) or indirectly (badmouthing you to the other folks at church, or your kids, or similar). 

post #189 of 277

What Bec says is true in my experience.

 

Once, when my Abuse Troll dumped me in an email, I think he was expecting me to freak out and beg or something. I responded to say 'Ok, we weren't doing very well for each other. Letting it go is cool'. He wrote back to tell me to not respond further, and warned me that even though he knew I would 'curse him' (no joke), that everything would come back on me times three and I should watch out.

 

Psycho is as psycho does.

 

I still care about the good aspects of my Abuse Troll. Because I am a mother and have seen/lived through not a small amount of abuse, I had/have giant wells of compassion for him, for that little boy that got a raw deal in many ways. If I had all the time and money in the world, I'd have taken him on and be his hold me/sex me/forgive me therapist (if he could be respectful, which was unlikely). But I am just one person, and I have quite a bit more things on the plate than salvation tools. If he really wants to fix himself in therapy, I do hope and pray that he'll do it.

 

But he can't call me when he's 'done', because that ship has sailed. To call me again claiming mental health would be paradoxical, because I told him to go away.

 

I think there is a lot of shared reality between your situation and mine.

post #190 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post




If he actually follows through on the "never speak to me again" consider yourself very lucky.  My guess is that he will try to get in touch again, directly (talking to you) or indirectly (badmouthing you to the other folks at church, or your kids, or similar). 


I appreciate your response. The church WE got to is a mega-church. It's HUGE!! He actually "only" started going back there once I did. I went for about 3 weeks before he decided he would get over his fear of his last girlfriend and go. He said that last girlfriend bullied him so much that he was SCARED of her. lol. I don't know how much truth is in that. But he said she would laugh at him, make fun of him, be nasty to him, had an old boyfriend that he said put "demons" in her mind and made her evil towards him and that she had that in her mind and hadn't let it go yet BUT yet the woman is a huge part of this church, very active, whereas he well uhhhhh left it and abandoned it when they broke up, lol. He said she was the one that was evil but yet she sings in the choir and is very involved. hmmm...
 

 

post #191 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post




I appreciate your response. The church WE got to is a mega-church. It's HUGE!! He actually "only" started going back there once I did. I went for about 3 weeks before he decided he would get over his fear of his last girlfriend and go. He said that last girlfriend bullied him so much that he was SCARED of her. lol. I don't know how much truth is in that. But he said she would laugh at him, make fun of him, be nasty to him, had an old boyfriend that he said put "demons" in her mind and made her evil towards him and that she had that in her mind and hadn't let it go yet BUT yet the woman is a huge part of this church, very active, whereas he well uhhhhh left it and abandoned it when they broke up, lol. He said she was the one that was evil but yet she sings in the choir and is very involved. hmmm...
 

 

That is hilarious. Wow. You'd think such a "scary" woman would make him never want to date again. He was just showing his new girlfriend off in front of the woman who dumped him. Hah. What a user. Now he'll be making up stories about you that are twice as crazy. Do you think he would tell people you're an unfit mother or anything super vindictive like that? Hopefully he's soured his own reputation enough that nobody would listen to his nutty stories.

 

I can't remember if you said before, but how did you meet this guy?
 

 

post #192 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post



That is hilarious. Wow. You'd think such a "scary" woman would make him never want to date again. He was just showing his new girlfriend off in front of the woman who dumped him. Hah. What a user. Now he'll be making up stories about you that are twice as crazy. Do you think he would tell people you're an unfit mother or anything super vindictive like that? Hopefully he's soured his own reputation enough that nobody would listen to his nutty stories.

 

I can't remember if you said before, but how did you meet this guy?
 

 



Exactly! And this is what I wanted to tell him while we were dating. i always wanetd to point out the fact that he would talk so down about all these horrible women he had dated in the past. He was a musician and stated that he dated up the hundreds, some one night stands, some a few months, some few years, etc. Never married though. His longest relationship was his son's mother and she aborted their first child so he knew they were doomed when she kept cheating on him but yet he "still" got her pregnant and had their son together because he longed for a family sitaution with a woman and wanted kids and all that. :(  He has a sad story, he truly does. But the way he puts down and blames all these past women are what is keeping him from having any blessings or fruit in his life. I just know it. He said that he couldn't believe that in  his whole 37 years of life that God would never give him anything good. He said he couldn't remember a single day where he had a whole 24 hour period of time that was good. But yet he was a Godly man? Following God and obeying God? I think he had some serious issues to work on and hasn't worked on them yet and that's why he his so broken and so burned out in his life. He also would point out ALL the time how he would pour himself in to others around him, including girlfriends, friends, acquaintances, family and they would never give back to him what he gave to them. You aren't supposed to go through life looking at what you get back. You just give and never expect in return. And he would tell ME this but yet he did it  himself, he would play sad about how no one ever did the same things for him. But yet the entire time we dated I offered him things, money to help during hard times which I understood him turning down, food, I made him several dishes of food and he would act like it was no big deal, never tell me if he even ate it all or liked. I have offered to do lots of things for him, even let him borrow my car when he wrecked his mothers car last year. He has been driving her car for 2 years now since he wrecked his own and has been out of work for all these years so it's sitting there waiting to be repaired. And the way he would ruin any happy moment that I would have. If the happy moment included HIM then it would be okay, he wouldn't ruin it. But if a happy moment involved me alone, me and my kids, my kids alone, anyone else I knew, etc.....he would always ruin it, always. But then say he didn't do it if I caleld him out on it and would say that's the devil speaking through me, be gone devil and all this nonsense. Just crazy stuff I got so tired of hearing day in and day out.

 

post #193 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post



 

I can't remember if you said before, but how did you meet this guy?
 

 



We met on Facebook through another friend. We used to go to the same church some time ago and he got kicked out of that church, in fact his whole family did. he served in the church and got kicked out for reasons I am still unsure about to this day. He said they threatened to call the police if he ever set foot on the property again. That's the church I was still attending when I first met him and he lured me away, saying they were evil.

 

post #194 of 277
Thread Starter 

I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.

post #195 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.


Ack! Sputter.. what were you thinking?

Please listen to all the wise women here and do not let this man back into your plane of existence. Just don't!
post #196 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.



Seriously, truly, pick up the book "Why does he DO that?" - it will make you never want to talk to him again.  And you won't feel guilty.

post #197 of 277
If you can't trust yourself not to contact him you should make it as hard for yourself to do so as possible. Block him on facebook. Block his phone number through the phone company. Erase his phone number from your address book and cell phone. Block and erase his email address. This man is so very bad for you. You can't "fix" him, you can't redeem him, and you sure won't win any prizes for attempting to do so.

Go back and read the last few posts that you wrote about him. This man is BAD NEWS.
post #198 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.



Honey, you HAVE to go to counseling. You really, really, really owe it to yourself to do it. You are in crisis and need more tools in your toolbox.

post #199 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post





Honey, you HAVE to go to counseling. You really, really, really owe it to yourself to do it. You are in crisis and need more tools in your toolbox.


Yes, this. 

 

post #200 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.


No, you don't have to figure out anything.  You simply stop.  You stop talking to him at all. You stop communicating in any way.  If you see him on the street you cross to the other side.  Trying to explain is totally unnecessary and validates him.  It also opens the door for him to manipulate you and clearly you are not currently strong enough to see through it, so don't open the door to it.  

 

You get yourself into counseling to work on figuring out why you are so willing to make choices that endanger your well being and that of your children.  You decide to remain single for a couple/few years until you have done a LOT of work in this area.  Your children can not afford to see the choices you are making as they will repeat them as adults. 

 

You get off the roller coaster.   

 

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