dating a "sensitive" man - Page 2

[StephandOwen]

Do me a favor- read this thread (really read it with an open eye) and pretend it is me who posted it. What advice would you give me?

Walking away from him doesn't mean he's bad or not a good Christian or anything-it hist means he's not right for YOU. There are many other Christian men, but you won't be open to meeting any of them if you stick with this guy, whom you obviously have issues with. You can settle for "okay" or you can hold out for Mr. Wonderful.

[mommaklo]

I just read your last post. How would your marriage, relationship, etc work if you arent going to spend time around each others kids? I could see this perspective if he didnt have a child of his own, but he should get it at this point. We kind of are our kids. We are their providers and support and thats going to continue if you are dating, or married or whatever, they are going to (hopefully) be your main priority until they can take care of themselves. For some kids thats even beyond 18. My mom growing up never incorporated us into her dating life she always went out and left us at home, or if her boyfriend at the time was over, it was never for us to get to know them, it was more "be on your best behavior." The first guy she dated that showed and interest in our general well being was the relationship that lasted the longest for her, none of the rest did. They arent together anymore, but we still keep in touch with that man like he is our dad. He filled the role and played the part, even the really, really hard parts. If you dont have a guy willing to do even half of that, you are not only NOT getting a male role model for your children, but I imagine you will be the buffer between them and him indefinitely. Talk about exhausing.

[AttunedMama]

Oh, honey. You know what to do. Are you going to a good, supportive healthy church? I think that could make a world of difference on 'being alone'. If you are already there, maybe be a twitch more active? Take a meal to an old lady, maybe soon you'll stumble on one that has a seriously functional grandson. Best wishes. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by mommaklo 

I just read your last post. How would your marriage, relationship, etc work if you arent going to spend time around each others kids? I could see this perspective if he didnt have a child of his own, but he should get it at this point. We kind of are our kids. We are their providers and support and thats going to continue if you are dating, or married or whatever, they are going to (hopefully) be your main priority until they can take care of themselves. For some kids thats even beyond 18. My mom growing up never incorporated us into her dating life she always went out and left us at home, or if her boyfriend at the time was over, it was never for us to get to know them, it was more "be on your best behavior." The first guy she dated that showed and interest in our general well being was the relationship that lasted the longest for her, none of the rest did. They arent together anymore, but we still keep in touch with that man like he is our dad. He filled the role and played the part, even the really, really hard parts. If you dont have a guy willing to do even half of that, you are not only NOT getting a male role model for your children, but I imagine you will be the buffer between them and him indefinitely. Talk about exhausing.

Wait - He has a kid?  Is it a 2yo adorable little blond blue eyed curious monster who talks too much and is really smart?  Are you dating my ex???  I'm serious.

ETA - its can't be my ex b/c my ex is obsessively clean, and doesn't smoke.  However, they sound similar and living with someone like that is not good

[doubledutch]

do not settle for this.  you deserve so much better!

[chaoticzenmom]

Some abusive control-freak type people don't get mad.  My father used to have a completely straight face as he beat my mother.  She said it was the scariest thing how he'd seem so calm about it.  Just because he doesn't blow up in anger doesn't mean he's healthy.  Everything you've written about him sets off alarms.  The "I usually date model types" thing would be the final straw.  Plus, his bashing all of his exes...sends off alarms.  I dated a guy once who used to talk about how messed up all of his exes were.  Of course they were all beautiful and wanted to marry him.LOL  Yeah right.  He was the most controlling, mentally abusive person I ever dated and it was my mother who brought his flaws to my attention.  I didn't even realize it.  He criticized my clothes, my hair, my job and he told me that his friends didn't like me.  Crazy! 

It sounds, to me, like this guy is trying to make you insecure.  He's building himself up to be this rightious person and trying to make you believe that you don't really meet his standards.  Your words aren't intelligent enough for him, your looks aren't good enough for him, your thoughts aren't thought out enough for him.  He won't chase you, so you better make yourself very available to him and you need to take whatever he's willing to give you or you risk being thought of as neurotic...just like all the rest that weren't good enough.  Chances are, he's been dumped a lot.  He doesn't think he's good enough for you, so he's got to bring you down so you'll stay with him. 

You can do better.  Don't let him take up too much of your time or bring your self-esteem down too low.  I think it's funny how you're reading what you're writing and realizing that he's not all he's saying that he is. 

[BabyBearsMummy]

WOW tons of red flags

Please love yourself enough to run the other way from this guy

IMHO you will be so much happier without him then you ever could be with him

[treeoflife3]

the part about not wanting to meet the kids yet because then you might not focus on 'us' reminds me of the guy from Waitress.  He was an angry man, but he was VERY concerned about not getting ALL the attention from his wife... even including a baby.  He couldn't handle having her at his every beck and call and therefore became very controlling about it.

This guy DOES sound controlling... and in a sneaky way.  He spends HOURS hashing out little things.  You say he is usually right... but is it normal to spend hours dealing with something small that most people could probably handle in a few sentences?  When my husband says something that bothers me, I just have to say 'hey... that bothered me because xyz.  I'd appreciate it if you refrained from speaking that way/using those words/whatever from now on' and he'd go 'oh I'm sorry, i didn't realize/didn't mean to and I'll try to be more mindful of that.'  The only reason anything would require long drawn out emails and hours of conversation is if its something big that we both feel very strongly about.  for the little things, even if he thinks its dumb that I'm bothered by some things, its not hard to avoid them and he chooses to out of love and respect for me.  and vice versa.

I'd also pay attention to how you said he starts going on about not wanting to chase you if you don't get back to him quickly.... but he takes awhile to get back.  Double standards are a problem.  he expects you to be at his every beck and call but can't be bothered to give the same respect... even going so far as to joke about it.

your posts OP became long posts about all his problems.  I hope you see just how problematic he is.  His being Christian is ultimately a minor detail because none of his behavior that you describe has much to do with religion but a lot to do with how healthy and happy you and your children will be after long exposures with him.  You can believe in God and Jesus and go to church every week and believe in certain Christian morals, but that doesn't mean you are a good person who would make a good husband.  Plead read your posts... really consider the problems you have pointed out about him.  Consider if that would be a good role model for your little 16 month old to grow up with.

[2xy]

I wanted to add that people often disagree about "when is the right time" for a new guy to meet the kids. I don't think it's as soon as possible, but I wouldn't put it off for too long, either. If a guy doesn't like being around my kids, and/or my kids don't like the guy, then that's a deal-breaker for me. Seeing as we homeschool so my kids are around frequently, it's especially important that a man likes being around them.

I met my DH in early July and he met my kids in mid-August. My boys were 10 and 13 at the time, which might make a difference....but I sort of knew that this man was special and wanted my children to give me their take on him. DS2's birthday is the end of August and he asked if my new boyfriend could come to his birthday party. The invitation was happily accepted. Both good signs, the way I saw it.

Kids are like dogs....they can sniff out a creep.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom 

It sounds, to me, like this guy is trying to make you insecure.  He's building himself up to be this rightious person and trying to make you believe that you don't really meet his standards.  Your words aren't intelligent enough for him, your looks aren't good enough for him, your thoughts aren't thought out enough for him.  He won't chase you, so you better make yourself very available to him and you need to take whatever he's willing to give you or you risk being thought of as neurotic...just like all the rest that weren't good enough. 

{Chances are, he's been dumped a lot.  He doesn't think he's good enough for you, so he's got to bring you down so you'll stay with him. }

Such wise words!

The bracketed part however, is BS.  He thinks he's BETTER than you, and that you need to change to become good enough for him.  You need someone who thinks you are amazing.  This guy doesn't.

[hillymum]

Please dump this man. He's so not good for you or your children!

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom 

It sounds, to me, like this guy is trying to make you insecure.  He's building himself up to be this rightious person and trying to make you believe that you don't really meet his standards.  Your words aren't intelligent enough for him, your looks aren't good enough for him, your thoughts aren't thought out enough for him.  He won't chase you, so you better make yourself very available to him and you need to take whatever he's willing to give you or you risk being thought of as neurotic...just like all the rest that weren't good enough. 

{Chances are, he's been dumped a lot.  He doesn't think he's good enough for you, so he's got to bring you down so you'll stay with him. }

Such wise words!

The bracketed part however, is BS.  He thinks he's BETTER than you, and that you need to change to become good enough for him.  You need someone who thinks you are amazing.  This guy doesn't.

Interesting.  I see it as a sign of insecurity that he's got to break her down.  I guess it could be narcissism though.  Whatever it is, it's not healthy. OP, you do need someone who thinks you're amazing.

[soso-lynn]

Interesting.  I see it as a sign of insecurity that he's got to break her down.  I guess it could be narcissism though.  Whatever it is, it's not healthy. OP, you do need someone who thinks you're amazing.

Narcissism is rooted in self-hatred.

OP, shut it down and be prepared for some stalking or some insults.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by soso-lynn 

Interesting.  I see it as a sign of insecurity that he's got to break her down.  I guess it could be narcissism though.  Whatever it is, it's not healthy. OP, you do need someone who thinks you're amazing.

Narcissism is rooted in self-hatred.

OP, shut it down and be prepared for some stalking or some insults.

Yup, this was my last one. We'd gone out like three times, and he wrote to 'dump' me with laundry list of how much I sucked and was surely going to do things to hurt him since that was 'my nature'. I kid you not. Be aware and block any communication you need to without remorse, if it comes to that.
 

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by mommaklo 

I just read your last post. How would your marriage, relationship, etc work if you arent going to spend time around each others kids? I could see this perspective if he didnt have a child of his own, but he should get it at this point. We kind of are our kids. We are their providers and support and thats going to continue if you are dating, or married or whatever, they are going to (hopefully) be your main priority until they can take care of themselves. For some kids thats even beyond 18. My mom growing up never incorporated us into her dating life she always went out and left us at home, or if her boyfriend at the time was over, it was never for us to get to know them, it was more "be on your best behavior." The first guy she dated that showed and interest in our general well being was the relationship that lasted the longest for her, none of the rest did. They arent together anymore, but we still keep in touch with that man like he is our dad. He filled the role and played the part, even the really, really hard parts. If you dont have a guy willing to do even half of that, you are not only NOT getting a male role model for your children, but I imagine you will be the buffer between them and him indefinitely. Talk about exhausing.

I agree with you! This is a sticky area with this guy BECAUSE a girl he had dated for like 2 years who actually moved in with him and his son and had her own son close to his son's age left him very suddenly, one day (he said) with no real reason, just moved out and said she didn't want to be with him anymore. And she told him she wanted his son to have NO contact with her son and they could never talk again which he said upset his son majorly and he is holding back for that reason too. HOWEVER, he goes to church each Sunday and meets us there to sit together and his son is almost always with him then. (shrug)

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by AttunedMama 

Originally Posted by soso-lynn 

Interesting.  I see it as a sign of insecurity that he's got to break her down.  I guess it could be narcissism though.  Whatever it is, it's not healthy. OP, you do need someone who thinks you're amazing.

Narcissism is rooted in self-hatred.

OP, shut it down and be prepared for some stalking or some insults.

Yup, this was my last one. We'd gone out like three times, and he wrote to 'dump' me with laundry list of how much I sucked and was surely going to do things to hurt him since that was 'my nature'. I kid you not. Be aware and block any communication you need to without remorse, if it comes to that.
 

Thanks. I doubt he would "stalk" me. He doesn't seem the type. He said he had a past girlfriend tell him he stalked her and even took him to court for it and he said he never did a thing to her. hmmm. I don't know. Perhaps this was true but perhaps he was telling me so that when I "heard" about it on my own he would have that story to back it up. I really don't know.

This guy is a past musician (well still is) and has long hair, the whole bit. Wears almost always black clothing, hat, his hair is black. He doesn't appear Christian but tries to live the life. He wants to wait on marriage for sex but yet we have oral sex (sorry, tmi)......just so many CONFUSING things going on. I have one girlfriend I confide in about these things and she disagrees with a lot of stuff he does and says but at the same time has told me to hold out and give it some more time. It's been over 4 months already and I'm growing weary, I've gained 12 pounds from stress, just a lot of crap I don't want in my life. :(  But at the same time, I'm no good at BEING ALONE. Although I don't seem to have a problem meeting men once I am single.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

Thanks. I doubt he would "stalk" me. He doesn't seem the type. He said he had a past girlfriend tell him he stalked her and even took him to court for it and he said he never did a thing to her. hmmm. I don't know. Perhaps this was true but perhaps he was telling me so that when I "heard" about it on my own he would have that story to back it up. I really don't know.

I would believe HER not him.  Especially with his behavior.  Seriously, GET OUT NOW.

[simplemama32]

 

But at the same time, I'm no good at BEING ALONE. Although I don't seem to have a problem meeting men once I am single.

With much respect and gentleness, I must point out that if you're no good at being alone, that is a really good sign that you need to be alone for awhile. 

[Lisa1970]

I think this man has real issues. I think you need to end the relationship. It sounds like a very toxic one. (((hugs)))

[treeoflife3]

One girl decided she needed to get out FAST and cut contact completely  and one girl took him to court for stalking?  PLEASE take those for exactly what they are... this man is TROUBLE.  If ALL his past girlfriends are so screwed up with mental problems and disappearing and taking him to court for lies, you can be sure that ALL his past girlfriends ACTUALLY just knew something you haven't figured out yet.

I agree with PP... you need some time to focus on yourself and your children, and since religion is important to you, probably your spirituality.  You've had a hard time in the dating/marriage department so just slow down and focus on making yourself whole.  Needing to be with someone makes it VERY easy to be with someone like you are describing.

Just look, you've lost 12 pounds from the stress of only casual dating for only four months.  Imagine that over a lifetime.  the first four months are supposed to be EASY and totally head over heels... its when everyone is on their best behavior.  It only gets worse from here... people stop doing their best.  If this is his best and you are so stressed you have lost weight... you don't have much hope for a more serious long term relationship.

Get away from him.  Take some time for just you and your kids and your God.  Enter the dating world once you are comfortable just doing your own thing.