Oh man, I just read the whole thread.
Okay. Three really important things:
1. This guy is the textbook, absolutely 100 percent classic profile of an abuser. Ask me how I know. You've gotten some great advice through this thread, and some of the best advice has come from the women in the Surviving Abuse forum. We've been there, we've seen it, we've been profoundly hurt by it, and we don't want to see it happen to anyone else.
2. I would stake all my worldly possessions on the fact that he has a personality disorder. Maybe borderline personality disorder, or narcissistic personality disorder, or even good old fashioned sociopathy. This would be a great article for you to read: http://counsellingresource.com/distress/personality-disorders/understanding/index.html
3. You owe this man nothing. NOTHING. You don't owe it to him to talk to him. You don't owe it to him to be in a relationship with him. He hasn't earned your sympathy or pity or anything. If you let him into your life -- and more importantly, into your children's life, he will hurt you and he will hurt your children.
I just want to run by a few of the ways that he really fits perfectly into the profile of an abuser.
--Lack of responsibility for his own actions. To me, this is the most classic sign of an abuser. A normal person will take ownership over his own emotions. He'll take responsibility for his own actions. An abuser will, almost without exception, blame other people for his emotions and for his bad decisions. A high-functioning abuser might be able to put on a show in public of being responsible, and hold down a job and stuff, while blaming his wife in private. A low-functioning abuser like yours will find excuses for everything. Note that he blamed you for his being late to work, he blamed his ex-girlfriends for being evil, and on and on and on.
--Gaslighting. Have you heard that term? It comes from this old movie called "Gaslight," and it describes this thing that abusers do where they basically try to make you believe that reality isn't real. You know the truth, you know what it was that you said or did. An abuser will systematically and relentlessly try to reshape your view of reality. They're really good at it. They leave you feeling confused and kind of crazy. They'll pick a fight with you, be evil to you, and then manage to convince you that you're abusing them. It's amazing how they do it. It makes it really hard to leave.
--Isolation. Abusers can't gaslight you if you have other sane people in your life to bring you back to reality. That's why they do everything they can to isolate you. It may start slowly and seem normal -- things like not wanting you to go to a church because his ex is there. But slowly and surely, they will cut you off from everyone that you love, because everyone else is a threat to their control over you.
--Lack of respect for boundaries. If you told a normal person that you didn't want to talk to them, they would accept that. An abuser will absolutely not respect your boundaries. This makes it really hard to break up with them. They come at you from every angle, using something I call "the slot machine tactic." They try raging at you, begging with you, guilt tripping you, playing nice, playing suicidal, every tactic they can think of, until they stumble onto the one that works with you and gives them a foot back in the door. The only way around it is no contact at all.
My advice to you is to send him one email saying, in the simplest and clearest terms, that it's over and you don't want to talk to him. Don't even bother explaining. It's like talking to a brick wall. Just say it's over and be done with him. If you give him reasons, he'll pick them apart. You owe him no explanations and no more of your breath.
If you do let him back into your life, I promise you, as someone who has been in your shoes, he will abuse you. He's already verbally and emotionally abusing you. He is giving every indication that it will escalate into physical abuse. And it may spill over to your children.
I'm not very religious, but I do know that above all else, God would want you to be a good and protective mother to your babies. You really cannot do that if you're under the spell of an abuser. Find your strength and kick him out of your life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Good luck to you. I really hope you escape, because this man will do nothing but bring bad things into your life.
Another great article to read: http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html