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dating a "sensitive" man - Page 3

post #41 of 277

Please Op, get out of this relationship! He's not healthy for you.

post #42 of 277


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post
 a girl he had dated for like 2 years who actually moved in with him and his son and had her own son close to his son's age left him very suddenly, one day (he said) with no real reason, just moved out and said she didn't want to be with him anymore. And she told him she wanted his son to have NO contact with her son and they could never talk again which he said upset his son majorly and he is holding back for that reason too.


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post



 He said he had a past girlfriend tell him he stalked her and even took him to court for it and he said he never did a thing to her.


he's telling you everything you need to know - why would you even consider being with this person?!  she left very suddenly for VERY real reasons - just not real to him because he's either in a state of unreality, or in denial, or justifies everything he does, or all of the above.  the break-up was probably sudden and no-contact because he is scary.

 

what is it about being alone that scares you? 

 

what do you get from this relationship that you cannot get on your own?  what does this relationship TAKE from you, that you would not be drained of if you were alone?

post #43 of 277

As far as this guys exes, one bailing and one TAKING HIM TO COURT.....Im sorry, court is a messy, sticky battle and I dont know a single person who has gone through that system for nothing. Honestly. A little more perspective info: My moms current husband of three years had only known each other for 6 mos or so when they got married. My mom was in a sticky situation financially, and I think he saw it and took advantage of it. I had a few red flags about him, but my mom seemed so in love I figured Huh, just not my type. He has told my mom over the years about his two ex wives and about how the first one ate compulsively. He will even tell me the story of getting up in the morning to see her eating a whole casserole. She became obese and eventually left him. I dont know the stats of the divorce, but the two kids he had with her are now adults and have nothing to do with him. nothing. I have never seen his son, and only his daughter at the wedding. No holidays, nada. And it doesnt seem to faze him. Wife #2 was supposedly on drugs, and wound up leaving him as he suspects she was cheating because in the end she started going to a gym and improving her looks. Two random coincedences? Nope. This guy is so controlling, not in a traditional sense, but he is. My mom was was a social butterfly before him doesnt even go out for fear of a man in public saying a word to her or looking at her and having to hash it out at home. I COMPLETELY understand where his ex wives were coming from, the desire to control what your eating because you cant control external situations, and even if #2 had a drug habit, I can totally understand why with no exaggerations. I couldnt put up with this man for more than a day. But in passing conversations, it sounds like he just had two women that ended up to be losers.

So listen, listen, listen to what this guy is telling you. I know this is very long winded, but people can tweak what ever they want to sound like the victim. When you already are his next.

 Oh, and my moms husband is a "christian" too. Means nothing. They go to church every sunday. Faith without works is dead, but I dont even know if he has the faith. Just the motions.

post #44 of 277

This guy has "potential stalker" tattooed on his forehead in neon dye, and is calling your attention to it. He's bad, bad news. If you're confused, it just shows me that he's really good at messing witih people's heads, because there's nothing confusing about it. I've read this whole thread, and I can't find one thing that makes him sound appealing - not one (okay - maybe the long hair - I'm a sucker for long hair...if it's clean).  And, that not wanting the kids to distract you from "us" makes me feel ill.

 

Get out. Really. This isn't confusing. This is just bad. And, I second that if you're no good being alone, it's a sign that you really need to be alone for a while. If you can't be comfortable with your own company, you're not going to find anyone who is comfortable with you, either.

post #45 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

RUN - and fast.  FAR away.  This is not a healthy dynamic.  It sounds very controlling.



Exactly.   Good luck getting away from him, though.  He sounds like he's too attached already.  Don't break up with him in person, and have a back up plan (maybe stay at a friend's house for awhile so he doesn't know where to find you.) 

post #46 of 277

Your gut is saying the right thing... run.  Get away. Stop communication. Stay away.  You seriously sound like you're dating my ex and my ex sounds/looks/appears to be a great "catch".  He also claims to be a christian but the Bible says that by your fruits shall others know that you're a christian and well... his fruits look great on the surface but they're rotten from there on. I say this very seriously - reading your posts in this thread sends shivers all over me and puts dread inside me because there are so many red flags.

 

 

 

post #47 of 277
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post

 

Just look, you've lost 12 pounds from the stress of only casual dating for only four months.  Imagine that over a lifetime.  the first four months are supposed to be EASY and totally head over heels... its when everyone is on their best behavior.  It only gets worse from here... people stop doing their best.  If this is his best and you are so stressed you have lost weight... you don't have much hope for a more serious long term relationship.



 I GAINED 12 pounds over the last few months. :( 

post #48 of 277
Thread Starter 

Thanks everyone. Well, here's the thing. We had big plans for tonight with our kids and I didn't want to ruin that for his kid cause he has said that other women he dated would let him and his kid down when going places. So I didn't want to let him down. :( 

 

I almost broke up with him yesterday on the phone. It was before he went to work. He even suggested well why don't we break up. I didn't cause I felt BAD and didn't want to feel bad about things. ugh.ugh.ugh. I don't know. When I started my discussion with him yesterday about some things that go on between us that disturb me and make me unsettled he kept saying it's all about "you" and that I was saying "me, me, me" and I really wasn't. And then he said well I do have a life you know, it's not all about just you (insert my name) and me. :( Made me feel bad. Then I told him I don't think it's ALL about me and him or he should JUST focus on me but when we talk about US it tends to be about US and no one else at that moment. I don't know what to do. Maybe on Monday. I gotta get through this weekend. The plans we have tonight with the kiddos and then church tomorrow which I hope he doesn't go to. I may even go to my old church in the morning just to be alone and worship in private. I don't know yet.

 

Thanks for all the comments. :)

post #49 of 277


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post

 

Just look, you've lost 12 pounds from the stress of only casual dating for only four months.  Imagine that over a lifetime.  the first four months are supposed to be EASY and totally head over heels... its when everyone is on their best behavior.  It only gets worse from here... people stop doing their best.  If this is his best and you are so stressed you have lost weight... you don't have much hope for a more serious long term relationship.



 I GAINED 12 pounds over the last few months. :( 



Dump him! Want me to do it for you over the phone? I've got my Saffire on today, I want to be everyone's free break up service.

post #50 of 277

I really do hope you see exactly what you are saying.  You almost broke up with him but when he threw it in your face, you felt bad so you didn't.  He won't let you discuss problems at ALL and just turns it around on you rather than having a mature discussion.  Its all your fault because if you weren't so self centered, you wouldn't be having a problem because clearly you are getting too clingy by making it ALL about you and him, never mind that you are just trying to voice a concern.  You try to resolve a problem and you leave feeling bad.  You want to skip out on church plans with him.

 

I hope you can find the strength to get away from him, if not this weekend or Monday, really REALLY soon.  before he sucks you in more, before your kids are sucked in.  I don't have to know you to know you absolutely don't deserve this.


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thanks everyone. Well, here's the thing. We had big plans for tonight with our kids and I didn't want to ruin that for his kid cause he has said that other women he dated would let him and his kid down when going places. So I didn't want to let him down. :( 

 

I almost broke up with him yesterday on the phone. It was before he went to work. He even suggested well why don't we break up. I didn't cause I felt BAD and didn't want to feel bad about things. ugh.ugh.ugh. I don't know. When I started my discussion with him yesterday about some things that go on between us that disturb me and make me unsettled he kept saying it's all about "you" and that I was saying "me, me, me" and I really wasn't. And then he said well I do have a life you know, it's not all about just you (insert my name) and me. :( Made me feel bad. Then I told him I don't think it's ALL about me and him or he should JUST focus on me but when we talk about US it tends to be about US and no one else at that moment. I don't know what to do. Maybe on Monday. I gotta get through this weekend. The plans we have tonight with the kiddos and then church tomorrow which I hope he doesn't go to. I may even go to my old church in the morning just to be alone and worship in private. I don't know yet.

 

Thanks for all the comments. :)

post #51 of 277

@treeoflife: This. This. This.

 

Darcytrue: This post turned my stomach. He's playing you like a fish, by pushing your guilt buttons - and a lot of it is over things he says happened with previous girlfriends!! This is not your problem. I feel sorry for his kid, but not because of anything you or his ex-girlfriends have or haven't done. I feel sorry for him, because he's got an emotionally abusive manipulator for a father.

 

He is all about him. Make no mistake. He's going to play on your guilt for trying to look after your own needs, because that's what makes things easier for him. Stop worrying about letting him down, and start worrying about letting yourself down!

 

Get out. Really, seriously, get out. You're going to have to eventually, but he's going to have you convinced you're utterly and completely worthless if you don't do it soon. You deserve better than this, and your kids deserve better than this.

 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post

I really do hope you see exactly what you are saying.  You almost broke up with him but when he threw it in your face, you felt bad so you didn't.  He won't let you discuss problems at ALL and just turns it around on you rather than having a mature discussion.  Its all your fault because if you weren't so self centered, you wouldn't be having a problem because clearly you are getting too clingy by making it ALL about you and him, never mind that you are just trying to voice a concern.  You try to resolve a problem and you leave feeling bad.  You want to skip out on church plans with him.

 

I hope you can find the strength to get away from him, if not this weekend or Monday, really REALLY soon.  before he sucks you in more, before your kids are sucked in.  I don't have to know you to know you absolutely don't deserve this.


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thanks everyone. Well, here's the thing. We had big plans for tonight with our kids and I didn't want to ruin that for his kid cause he has said that other women he dated would let him and his kid down when going places. So I didn't want to let him down. :( 

 

I almost broke up with him yesterday on the phone. It was before he went to work. He even suggested well why don't we break up. I didn't cause I felt BAD and didn't want to feel bad about things. ugh.ugh.ugh. I don't know. When I started my discussion with him yesterday about some things that go on between us that disturb me and make me unsettled he kept saying it's all about "you" and that I was saying "me, me, me" and I really wasn't. And then he said well I do have a life you know, it's not all about just you (insert my name) and me. :( Made me feel bad. Then I told him I don't think it's ALL about me and him or he should JUST focus on me but when we talk about US it tends to be about US and no one else at that moment. I don't know what to do. Maybe on Monday. I gotta get through this weekend. The plans we have tonight with the kiddos and then church tomorrow which I hope he doesn't go to. I may even go to my old church in the morning just to be alone and worship in private. I don't know yet.

 

Thanks for all the comments. :)


 
post #52 of 277


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thanks everyone. Well, here's the thing. We had big plans for tonight with our kids and I didn't want to ruin that for his kid cause he has said that other women he dated would let him and his kid down when going places. So I didn't want to let him down. :( 

 

I almost broke up with him yesterday on the phone. It was before he went to work. He even suggested well why don't we break up. I didn't cause I felt BAD and didn't want to feel bad about things. ugh.ugh.ugh. I don't know. When I started my discussion with him yesterday about some things that go on between us that disturb me and make me unsettled he kept saying it's all about "you" and that I was saying "me, me, me" and I really wasn't. And then he said well I do have a life you know, it's not all about just you (insert my name) and me. :( Made me feel bad. Then I told him I don't think it's ALL about me and him or he should JUST focus on me but when we talk about US it tends to be about US and no one else at that moment. I don't know what to do. Maybe on Monday. I gotta get through this weekend. The plans we have tonight with the kiddos and then church tomorrow which I hope he doesn't go to. I may even go to my old church in the morning just to be alone and worship in private. I don't know yet.

 

Thanks for all the comments. :)


There are so many red flags in this post I can't even count them.  Go to your old church tomorrow, and please keep going to your old church from now on.  This guy is MAJOR trouble - your going to have to hold your ground in order to get rid of him.

 

Next time he offers, say "I think thats a great idea, stop calling me"

 

I know its hard - it gets harder the longer you stay with him.

post #53 of 277

Block his calls and texts. Choose another church. Get un-connected from this guy.

He knows you have no will of your own and he's counting on that to get more free love from you.

What are you getting from  this relationship? It sounds like nothing but headaches.

 

 

And please tell me he doesn't have any of your keys!

post #54 of 277

Don`t get your kids around him any more. He will use that against you in whatever way he can. Next thing you know you'll worry about dumping him because he`ll claim his kid is attached to you and your kids or he will call your ex (don`t remember if you have one) and tell him he should fight for custody because you are whoring around with strange men around your children. Seriously, cancel everything and cut off contact. It does not matter how he takes it since he hates you and all women anyway...

post #55 of 277

You know, you have the right to break up with him for no reason at all.  None.  You don't have to have reasons or excuses or guilt.  He's trying to control you through blame and guilt and you can let him, but you can also just say "no" to the guilt and control. 

 

Google "using guilt as control" and "how to be assertive" and see what kinds of articles you can find.  I found a ton just now by doing that.  You could read and get empowered all day long.  You have the right to make mistakes, not be perfect, forgive yourself and move on.  You don't need permission from anyone to do those things.

 

((hugs))

post #56 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post

You know, you have the right to break up with him for no reason at all.  None.  You don't have to have reasons or excuses or guilt.  He's trying to control you through blame and guilt and you can let him, but you can also just say "no" to the guilt and control. 

 

Google "using guilt as control" and "how to be assertive" and see what kinds of articles you can find.  I found a ton just now by doing that.  You could read and get empowered all day long.  You have the right to make mistakes, not be perfect, forgive yourself and move on.  You don't need permission from anyone to do those things.

 

((hugs))


 

yeahthat.gif

 

clap.gif

 

She is ABSOLUTELY right!!!!!  Completely, and totally, 100% right.  Do you have the book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft?  You REALLY need to read it.

post #57 of 277

Lot of good posts here. I vote you play dead/depressed to get yourself emotionally disentangled from him. Tell him he's right, you're not good enough for him, you need to focus on becoming a better more giving person, you just don't have enough to offer right now, and it's not fair to him to keep wasting his time. You just feel so bad for what you're doing to him and his kid. One of your best friends is going through a divorce right now, and her best friend's mom's poodle's veterinarian's uncle's ex-wife's niece's therapist's betta fish has cancer, and you're just having to spread yourself so thin emotionally right now. You think he's so great...it's not him, it's you and your best friend's best friend's mom's poodle's veterinarian's uncle's ex-wife's niece's therapist's betta fish. Times are so tough, but maybe in a year or so, you could try dating again. Then you buy a fake engagement ring to keep in your purse in case he ever bumps into you again. ;)

 

You can do this! There is no reason you should have to feel guilty for his perceived injuries that were probably not accurately described by him and definitely not inflicted by YOU. Sure, we all hate to seem flaky to someone else, but I'd rather look flaky than be abused by a whiny controlling maniac. I hope his kid is in therapy. If not, you know a betta fish who has a great therapist!

post #58 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View PostYou have the right to make mistakes, not be perfect, forgive yourself and move on.  You don't need permission from anyone to do those things.


not the op, but WOW, I really needed to hear that today and to be reminded of it all the time. Copied & added it to my inspiring quotes. thank you! love.gif

post #59 of 277

bananabee, I think you have a perfect plan.  Love it.

 

OP, this is what my supposed best friend/ex-sometimes boyfriend does to me.  (Yeah, follow that one.)  He pulls me in with the world and then does this.  But he does it to all females who get close to him.  I heard about ALL the crazy ex's.  Then I realized it was him all along.

post #60 of 277

op, it's monday - did you dump this loser yet?

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