dating a "sensitive" man - Page 4

[philomom]

Originally Posted by doubledutch 

op, it's monday - did you dump this loser yet?

Waiting with baited breath.......

[soso-lynn]

Originally Posted by doubledutch 

op, it's monday - did you dump this loser yet?

Could not have said it better.

[Lucy Alden]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

I know its hard - it gets harder the longer you stay with him.

This bears repeating.  The longer you are with him the more he will make you feel lousy/worthless/stupid/etc. until you don't know up from down.  Do it now and do it quick!

[ZoeyZoo]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom 

You know, you have the right to break up with him for no reason at all.  None.  You don't have to have reasons or excuses or guilt.  He's trying to control you through blame and guilt and you can let him, but you can also just say "no" to the guilt and control. 

Google "using guilt as control" and "how to be assertive" and see what kinds of articles you can find.  I found a ton just now by doing that.  You could read and get empowered all day long.  You have the right to make mistakes, not be perfect, forgive yourself and move on.  You don't need permission from anyone to do those things.

((hugs))

I've read this entire thread and I totally with this. Be prepared for him to make you feel really guilty and to keep contacting you. I totally expect him to go stalker-like and do anything he can to keep in your life. He sounds a lot like an ex of mine I almost had to put a restraining order against. I still get e-mails from him almost 10 years later still calling me a f****** b****** who wrecked his life from time to time. I had broken up with the guy repeatedly for more than a year and I kept going back to him when we dated because he used to make me feel so guily of this and that.

I know you probably don't have much free time with all this plus the kids but try to look at "Why Does he do That - Inside the mind of abusive and controlling men". He is so textbook it's scarey.
 

[provocativa]

No time to read through the whole thread.  But after the first page, I just had to come here and vote for dumping him.  It sounds like he has some serious problems.  Maybe if he gets a couple years of therapy from a licensed provider, not a pastor....you could have coffee with him.  Those long conversations are a bit about control, and wearing you down, among other things.

[darcytrue]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.

[orangecanoe]

There is something good about your openness to a relationship, but this really doesn't sound like the one. I'm worried how he might escalate from here. Yes he is right to be upset about you ending it, but giving in to his meltdown doesn't really sound like it's coming from a healthy place.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.

He can get upset, that doesn't mean you owe him anything.  The next time you break up with him, cut off contact completely.  Block his number (call the phone company and ask them to - they can do it and they will). 

Whatever you do, DO NOT move in with this man.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

He can get upset, that doesn't mean you owe him anything.  The next time you break up with him, cut off contact completely.  Block his number (call the phone company and ask them to - they can do it and they will). 

Whatever you do, DO NOT move in with this man.

I agree. Please don't deal with him any more!

[bananabee]

Originally Posted by ZoeyZoo 

I've read this entire thread and I totally with this. Be prepared for him to make you feel really guilty and to keep contacting you. I totally expect him to go stalker-like and do anything he can to keep in your life. He sounds a lot like an ex of mine I almost had to put a restraining order against. I still get e-mails from him almost 10 years later still calling me a f****** b****** who wrecked his life from time to time. I had broken up with the guy repeatedly for more than a year and I kept going back to him when we dated because he used to make me feel so guily of this and that.

I know you probably don't have much free time with all this plus the kids but try to look at "Why Does he do That - Inside the mind of abusive and controlling men". He is so textbook it's scarey.
 

ZoeyZoo totally predicted what would happen if you tried to break up with him. This guy doesn't love you. He wants to own you. A real man would respect your choices and move on without making you feel or look bad. This is why I recommended letting him down slowly, playing emotionally dead, and just letting him lose interest in you. You're so busy with your kids, you haven't been feeling energetic, you think you have herpes...anything to make him feel like he's better off without you.

[mimim]

The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to break away. The longer you stay with him, the worse all of this will get. In order to get away, you are going to have to weather a storm of emotion. It's worth it. He won't change. He won't improve. He will get worse. He will blame you or anyone, but never himself.

I'm in a similar circumstance, but I ignored the warning signs. I suppressed my instinct to break away from him in the first few months and I'm still working on  extricating myself from the relationship 2 1/2 years later.  Now I am so accustomed to the anxiety and tension that I feel anxious and tense when it is absent. You need to get out now before the habit gets really ingrained.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by bananabee 

ZoeyZoo totally predicted what would happen if you tried to break up with him. This guy doesn't love you. He wants to own you. A real man would respect your choices and move on without making you feel or look bad. This is why I recommended letting him down slowly, playing emotionally dead, and just letting him lose interest in you. You're so busy with your kids, you haven't been feeling energetic, you think you have herpes...anything to make him feel like he's better off without you.

Thats actually not a bad idea.  I disagree though with letting him down slowly - I would rip off the bandaid and just completely and totally cut off any and all contact.  Call your phone company, block his number from calling, get rid of his phone number from your phone, and break up with over email, from a brand new email address that you promptly forget ALL about so that you don't have to respond to him (better yet make a password that you literally won't ever remember so that you can never sign in again), and drop him like a bad habit - cause thats exactly what he is.

Have you read the book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft????  You REALLY REALLY REALLY need to read it.
 

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.

The bolded makes it sound as though you're attacking him, which is one of the biggest red flags yet. Breaking up with him is not attacking him. Breaking up with him is making a decision about your own life. He sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. Please, please, please don't invest yourself into this any more than you already have.

That whole "I thought you'd be the one person to understand/be there for me" thing is sooooo scary to me. It's such a blatant way to pull you onto "his side", so that you'll take care of his needs, instead of your own.

[zebu]

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.

this is emotional abuse.  He knows he can control you in this way, so he does.  It's only going to get worse.

[eclipse]

OP, your update worries me for all the reasons that the previous posters have stated. Please rethink this relationship. Do you really want to be with someone you're only with because you felt bad about not wanting to be with?

[eclipse]

I want to add that I think sometimes MDC posters get a little too gung ho with the "that is abusive" accusation. In this case, though, I think everyone is right on. Abusive men tend to start slowly and build up your tolerance. What seems annoying now might eventually seem normal, and then he'll push it farther and farther.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by just_lily 

He doesn't sound sensitive.  He sounds insecure. 

Gees, this guy sounds so irritating.  

I love a sensitive guy.  This is not sensitive.  This is craziness. You are already tiptoeing around.  Is this how you want to live your life?

ETA:  I didn't realize there were four pages....I agree that abusive gets thrown around a lot.  I don't think he is intending any harm and I wouldn't go so far as to call him abusive.  He is definitely not in a healthy place.  I think it is time to step back from this relationship, guilt free and without worry about what will happen to him.  Don't let him manipulate and guilt you into staying.

[motherhendoula]

I think it constitutes emotional abuse.  Its definitely not a GOOD TIME!  Isnt that what dating is supposed to be?  OP - you seem to feel you OWE this man something...as in "everyone else is berating him  right now so YOU have to be the soft place for him to fall"  and it just isnt so.   If you feel you dont have the  strength - or NEED to give this guy a valid reason for dumping him..pleas print out these 4 pages of women telling you to get away from him!  

[lolar2]

You're not married to this guy. You don't need "grounds" to leave him. It's perfectly acceptable to end a dating relationship on a whim for that matter.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by lilyka 



I don't think he is intending any harm and I wouldn't go so far as to call him abusive. 

 

What does his intent have to do with whether or not he's abusive?

 

Don't let him manipulate and guilt you into staying.

 

Manipulating and guilting people into doing things that are good for the manipulator, and not for the person being manipulated, is abusive. IMO, it's almost the definition of emotional abuse.