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dating a "sensitive" man - Page 5

post #81 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.


Sometimes people have to come to a realization in their own time, like that they are in an unhealthy relationship. So maybe part of it is that. You have expressed clearly to us here that all of your instincts and logic are telling you to "go" and yet you are overriding those and staying. You've hinted that you distrust him and yet you stay. You've got pages full of women who probably disagree on many subjects, all together saying that there are red flags, but you're willing to ignore them. For now.

You've said that you can't be alone and it's influencing this decision. Can you go to therapy to start dealing with this? The therapist could also help you learn assertiveness skills. Not to be aggressive or controlling, but to learn to stand up for yourself when your boundaries are crossed. Perhaps if you felt stronger inside/more emotionally fulfilled from within/whatever the issue is, it would give you the space to see the discrepancy between what you want to do and what you are doing.

Lastly, I just wanted to mention that he obviously sees in you your compassion, empathy, and even your need to be with someone, and it's easy for him to push those buttons to make you feel guilty and get what he wants. Consciously or not, he's doing that. It's manipulation. He knew that if he "got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand, etc...." then you would relent. He did what he had to do to get you back. If you kept standing firm, he'd take it to the next level. Maybe he'd start texting you how he was driving & crying & hopes he wouldn't crash into a tree. Or that he was crying and walking around and was going toward the bridge across town. Or he was holding a bottle of painkillers.

I just want to tell you, when you try to break up next time, he might keep upping the ante to see what it takes to gets you back. You are not responsible for him. He's his own person, he needs to take care of his own feelings. He can call the police or go to the hospital or cry on a friend's shoulder--what he does has no reflection on YOU. You cannot feel the responsibility of saving him from every real or perceived threat, hurt, or sadness. You do not need to save him, you have a bigger responsibility to yourself and your children. Maybe thinking of them will give you the strength for this.
post #82 of 277

Ugh. When one parasite is busy draining a person, it's stunningly easy for a second parasite to come in for the kill. Don't keep this guy on for so long that you're a target for the next bum whose 'style' is just different enough to sucker-punch you.

 

The kind of crap you're describing shouldn't even be perpetuated by teenagers. Cut him off. Don't look back. Even if you don't do it today, you need to hear it from as many sources as possible, because it will fortify you for what you really do eventually have to do.

 

As others said, he needs help. To try to dump his emotional baggage on ANYONE would be wrong...As a Mama, it feels even more disgusting to me to hear of him doing it to a Mother (of 3!). If he threatens suicide, call the cops, or believe him and tell him you know a good bridge. Better yet, don't be there to hear it. Cut contact. Make it over. Don't 'Try' to break up with him, just do it! Do you 'try' to change your kids' diaper? Do you 'try' to pay your rent? There's no reason for this artificial weakness, it's just a tool that serves you badly...Put it down and pick up a nice solid hammer instead.

 

End it, girl!

post #83 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post





Gees, this guy sounds so irritating.  

 

I love a sensitive guy.  This is not sensitive.  This is craziness. You are already tiptoeing around.  Is this how you want to live your life?

 

ETA:  I didn't realize there were four pages....I agree that abusive gets thrown around a lot.  I don't think he is intending any harm and I wouldn't go so far as to call him abusive.  He is definitely not in a healthy place.  I think it is time to step back from this relationship, guilt free and without worry about what will happen to him.  Don't let him manipulate and guilt you into staying.



I'm with Storm Bride on this one.  Abuser's DO intend to control their victims, and what on earth is this guy doing?  He's controlling her.  In the ways that he can control her.  He's got her buttons, and he's using them.  I get really mad when people come to these types of threads and post that the victim isn't suffering abuse, b/c then they hang onto that hope that things will get better, even though every other person (including those of us that have been exactly where the OP is right now) is telling her that it will only get worse.  And then they get into worse and worse situations. 

 

OP - he is abusive.  GET OUT NOW before things escalate even further.  I PROMISE you he is abusive.  So does every other person on this thread who has experienced abuse.  If you won't do it for you, do it for your kids.  They deserve for you to date men who respect you.

post #84 of 277

You are responsible for yourself and your children.  Right now you're letting this guy come before your own well-being and that of your children.  You are making the choice to let him continue to rule your life. 

post #85 of 277

Creepy, creepy, creepy.  Any time you want to proceed your own way, he manipulates you and makes it all about him - or uses his kid as a tool for manipulation ("We had big plans for tonight with our kids and I didn't want to ruin that for his kid cause he has said that other women he dated would let him and his kid down when going places. So I didn't want to let him down").  Someone who genuinely cared about you would respect your wishes and respect your pace. 

 

Being "alone" is far preferable than being vulnerable to the whims of a psycho is it not?  For a long time, pre-child, I too had to have a boyfriend around.  I didn't know I could be alone.  Once my marriage didn't work out, I took a long time to be "alone" (although really, with our kids, we are NOT ALONE - we are with our families!) and realized how damn much I enjoy my own company.  Give yourself this gift - you will be the only constant in your life, so you may as well learn to enjoy yourself.  Don't fill up the insecurities with a psycho.  Believe me - he senses your neediness.  Your kids need your attention right now, and you are in such turmoil dealing with this stalker material, how are you enjoying your life?  I can tell you know that your relationship with him will not get better.  It will just get worse, and you will feel worse than you do now.  What's the point of it?

post #86 of 277

It's ok to be a nice person, but you're being nice at your own expense.  You're being nice to this guy who's loading a lot of emotional baggage, guilt and control onto you.  It's sucking away your energy that you need for those 3 kids.  His reaction to your breaking up with him is plain scary.  You see that, right? 

 

Really, let go of the guilt.  Deal with uncomfortable for long enough to get him out of your life.  You weren't guilted into dating him, why are you guilted into staying with him?  Think of what you may be missing by wasting time here.   You are paying the price for his comfort.  You're sacrificing yourself to be his soft-spot to land.  Is he worth more than you? Is his happiness and comfort worth more than yours?  He would not be so kind to you.  If he was that nice, he would have let you go and dealt with his sadness himself.  That's what a normal person would have done.  A really upset person may have made one last email or phone call to say what they needed to say and then left it alone.

 

post #87 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post

 He would not be so kind to you.  



 That.

post #88 of 277
Thread Starter 

I broke it off today!!!! I feel much better. Free almost.

 

He lost his job today. He had just started this job 3 weeks ago and he was going to work all tired and worn out and the employer told him to take a WHOLE week off and that was this past week. Then today was his first day back and what happens??? He goes in late and gets fired. You would think he would want to try and make a good impression and go in early even. Nope. So he blames it all on the enemy, the devil and says God meant for this to happen. We get on the phone and he hangs up on me one time and then later we talk again and he starts referring to old girlfriends and how they think about him and I got a little upset and said I'm tired of being compared to these people and he says he isn't comparing, blah blah.....so I end it then. I told him this is best and he said okay, he does too. :) I feel free.

 

I think I am going to give up on men for a while. ;-)  I think that's best for me right now. I have 3 kids who need me.

post #89 of 277

Congratulations. You wont regret dumping him :-)

 

I really really hope you have blocked his number, his texts, his emails. If he shows up call the police.

 

Reminder, nice guys don't live like slobs.

post #90 of 277

Yayyyyyy!!! Good for you!!!! His life just keeps following him around...er uh the devil does. Hmm. LOL Lost his job after three weeks...sounds like a great catch.

 

Don't expect him to give up yet, though. He'll regroup and come after you again. Wait for it.

post #91 of 277

Good work! I bet you aren't done yet. He will probably to try to talk you into changing your mind at least once. Don't fall for it.

post #92 of 277

wow i just read this thread and i am SO happy to hear you broke it off. i too dated someone like this in my past and wow it was exhausting and debilitating.

post #93 of 277

I'm glad you broke it off, too! Yay for you...be sure and stick to your guns when he tries to get you back.

post #94 of 277

Congratulations on dumping him! Make sure he stays dumped.

post #95 of 277
Big congratulations to you for finding the courage. Don't let him weasel his way back in! Spending some time with yourself before dating again sounds like a great idea, good for you!
post #96 of 277

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy mama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

post #97 of 277

clap.gif jumpers.gif carrot.gif  (I love the dancing carrot, and thought it was appropriate)

 

GOOD JOB MAMA!!!!  Now just get rid of all his numbers.

post #98 of 277

jumpers.gifWoo to the hoo!  Way to go.  Now make sure he stays gone.  Guys like this LOVE to weasel their way back in.

post #99 of 277

God for you Mamma!  I was a single mother when my kids were little ...i know its hard sometimes to not have an adult around to talk to ....but this guy wasnt worth it!  I am SO GLAD something finally clicked for you and you ended it!  Congrats!   The other posters re right ...a few days/weeks/months from now when he shows up again....dont answer the door/text/phone/e-mail!!

post #100 of 277
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

I broke it off today!!!! I feel much better. Free almost.

 

He lost his job today. He had just started this job 3 weeks ago and he was going to work all tired and worn out and the employer told him to take a WHOLE week off and that was this past week. Then today was his first day back and what happens??? He goes in late and gets fired. You would think he would want to try and make a good impression and go in early even. Nope. So he blames it all on the enemy, the devil and says God meant for this to happen. We get on the phone and he hangs up on me one time and then later we talk again and he starts referring to old girlfriends and how they think about him and I got a little upset and said I'm tired of being compared to these people and he says he isn't comparing, blah blah.....so I end it then. I told him this is best and he said okay, he does too. :) I feel free.

 

I think I am going to give up on men for a while. ;-)  I think that's best for me right now. I have 3 kids who need me.


Bold part leaves him a way to attempt to weasel back later. Like, as though he was part of that decision process, and when he 'changes his mind' about 'his' part in it, he'll try to revisit.

I'll be (pleasantly) surprised if he doesn't do something like that.

 

Enjoy your break from dating. If/when you go back to it, your standards will be so much more positive and good for you. Best wishes!

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