opinions needed: gift for student who is also in foster care. appropriate?

[BethSLP]

Hi mamas,

I am a speech pathologist and for the first time, I am working with high school students this year.  One student I have grown particularly close to this year.  She is a 15 and in a foster home.  Her life has not been an easy one. 

For a number of reasons, she will be dismissed from my services at the end of the month.  I was thinking of giving her a gift.  However, I have some concerns. 

This student is prone to anxiety, esp. about her home.  She has been with her foster mother for 3 years, and it is apparently a good placement.  However, there was recently an investigation following accusations from another kid in the home.  They were unfounded, but I believe it put my student into a tailspin since it was "investigated" and she was interviewed, etc.  It probably brought back some memories of when she first entered the system, etc.  She was worried she would be moved to a different home.

She has mild mental retardation.  And obviously feels a lot of instability.  I am not totally sure she even can understand all that is going on.  She had weeks that she was crying and in the counselor's office a lot.  She told me she might move to another home.  Her foster mom said that this was untrue, and that she worries a lot and everything is fine. 

I had an idea to get her a sterling silver necklace with her initial on it, her birthstone swarovski, and a sterling charm from Twilight that says "Be Safe."  I remember being a teenager and having a "lucky necklace" or a "special piece of jewelry."  I was thinking it would be a reminder that I believe in her and that I want her to make safe choices for herself.  I also thought by getting it personalized, it would be easier for her to keep it safe/not get stolen by other kids in the house (as this is something she has complained about before.  people taking her stuff). 

However, I wonder if its inappropriate.  I recently found out that she has been asking various staff members to adopt her.  I still think (and she says) her home is a safe one, but I think she is craving stability.  And I wonder if my giving her a present will confuse her and make her think I want to adopt her or otherwise break her heart in the long run. 

Perhaps this is all dramatic and naive on my part.  I guess I just felt like I wanted to give something special to a special kid, but am wondering if I'm only going to hurt her feelings.  I just generally like to act from a place of compassion/caring, then one of fear.  But I think this girl has been through enough and I don't know enough about foster situations to know what the right decision is.  I don't want to hurt her or "lead her on" (for lack of a better word) in any way.

I know every child and situation is different, but if anyone familiar with fostering and those kinds of situations can share some thoughts/things to consider, I would be grateful. 

XOXO

B

[Lisa1970]

I think a gift will be nice.

[WifeMomChiro]

I think a gift would be nice with a clear explanation of why you are giving her the gift.  It seems that she could feel "led-on" if you aren't clear that you have no intention of adopting her.

[lauren]

I feel worried that she can misinterpret the gift given the other things you said. What does your code of ethics for speech pathology say about giving and receiving gifts? I would check with a supervisor about the boundary issues inherent in a gift. What about a really nice card?

[stik]

That sounds like a quite extravagant gift for a child to receive from any service provider.  It's the kind of gift you receive from someone who expects to play a role in your life for a long time.  You said that you will no longer be providing services for the student after this month.  High school staff do not typically give students gifts of this magnitude, even if they consider themselves to have a "close" relationship to the student.  And honestly, I think it's the relationships that we think are close ones that we have to be most cautious in - students often perceive things very differently than teachers do, and we don't always understand their motives and perspectives as well as we would like to.  In any case, you have a lot of concerns about how this gift may be received and interpreted, and that's enough of a red flag to keep you from moving forward.  I like the idea of giving her a card instead. 

[BethSLP]

I appreciate all your thoughts.  I think I should probably scrap the idea.  I did ask a supervisor and they said its fine to give a gift to a kid if we want to and that they have done it in the past.  

Stik, its a good point you raise too about it being "extravagant."  I never thought about it this way.  Its $30 (which is more than I would normally spend) but I guess I just wanted to give her something nice.  But it probably does not communicate that I'm no longer in her life.  It probably says something about a long term relationship....esp. to a kid who thinks the principal is going to adopt her :(  

My heart just breaks for this kid.  But no gift is going to fix her situation, and I don't want to further confuse her.

Thank you all for your input.  It really does help.  There are just too many unknowns that could make this is a difficult situation for her.

XOXO

B

[Polliwog]

I think that's the best way to go. My daughter's birth mother sounds similar to your student. I could totally see her not understanding the situation.

[soso-lynn]

Perhaps you could call her foster mother and ask her what she thinks. I have a friend who was in foster care as a teenager and had a generally crappy life and as an adult, there are little gestures that really stick in her mind like a teacher giving her a little extra encouragement or a nice gift from a friend's mother. I can see how a present from you might be a great idea as long as you are careful about the message you are sending.