Pregnant with second, dreading nursing

[Squrrl]

When my daughter was born 3 1/2 years ago, there was no question that I would nurse exclusively.  My mother did, my MIL did, and I didn't "try" to nurse...I expected to.  I was a little worried, because my nipples have always been very, very sensitive, and more than one S.O. had gotten whacked for messing with them when I wasn't in the mood.  I was afraid that might be a problem.

Well, my milk came in fine and my baby latched fine and grew fine and nursed a TON.  But yes, it was a problem.  For the first month the sensation was so incredibly unpleasant--I would get shooting stabbing itches--the kind where you have to scratch NOW--until I scratched my breasts raw just to get through nursing her.  It finally settled down, but I never enjoyed nursing and when I was short on patience to begin with, it was downright irritating.  I got used to it, though, and my daughter nursed 'til she was three before she had a bit of a slowdown and, because at that point I was pregnant again and finding nursing basically unbearable, I cut her off over the course of a couple of (for me, hellish) weeks.  She didn't object as strongly as I'd feared, though we had occasional crying for a few months afterwards....just a little every couple of weeks.  And I swear, I never finished bonding until after she weaned.  I had a terrible time bonding with her in the first place--because of the unpleasant, tension-producing experience of nursing?  I can't know--and not until after she weaned did we ever share anything I could think of as "snuggles".  So much tension drained out of me after she stopped that I was blown away.  I cried a lot for all the anger and irritation I'd hardly even known I had until it was gone.  When she woke up at night, my first thought was "but who cares?  She won't nurse!"  We cuddled for the first time.  For the first time I felt like she wanted ME and not my boobs.

Now, as my due date approaches, Evelyn occasionally asks if there's milk in my boobs again.  She clearly has decided that we stopped nursing because I ran out of milk (though I never had supply problems in the slightest and never pretended to) and is eagerly anticipating Baby Brother's advent so that they can nurse together.  After five months!

I want to love the idea of holding my new, sweet baby to my breast and nurturing him.  I even want to love imagining Evelyn and her brother snuggling each other and sharing time and space and Mama's love as they nurse, even if only for a time or two while Evelyn explores the idea and doesn't feel excluded.  Instead, it makes my skin crawl and the only reason I'm not dreading it all the time is that I've shoved it down deep and try not to think of it at all.  I've never heard of another mom with a similar experience.  I've never heard anything that sounded like a potential solution.

Please, anyone?  Anything?

[jeminijad]

I am also pg w/my second and not looking forward to nursing.

I didn't have to scratch myself- I bit thru my lip and tears streamed down my face for months while we nursed. It hurt so badly. She got plenty of milk, she grew well, but I weaned her @ 9 months because I was done with pain.

I'm literally considering EPing this time around because of it. I just never really enjoyed any part (besides knowing I was doing the right thing.)

I know that isn't very helpful, but thank you for posting this. It is not an easy topic to discuss here.

[Marissamom]

I didn't feel it as strongly as you seem to have, but I had a lot of nipple pain for the first few months, and a lot of engorgement, that lasted a lot longer than the 24hrs I keep hearing (2 months before my supply seemed to fully regulated and I wasn't feeling engorged). there were defiantly times when I cried because DD was hungry, and a couple times when DF had to talk me into feeding her (that sounds really bad, but it's true). it did eventually get better for me (though I don't think it was until a few months in to this pregnancy that I stopped having the occasional day when I felt totally rejected by DD except for milk). 

[chiromamma]

Did you get any help from a LC or LLL Leader?

I've been both and I'd look at yeast...it doesn't always look textbook. Itchy nips are a hallmark though.

It can be remedied with something as simple as a mild vinegar/water wash before and after nursing. Sometimes dietary changes are needed but not always.

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by chiromamma 

Did you get any help from a LC or LLL Leader?

I've been both and I'd look at yeast...it doesn't always look textbook. Itchy nips are a hallmark though.

It can be remedied with something as simple as a mild vinegar/water wash before and after nursing. Sometimes dietary changes are needed but not always.

I saw several different LLL leaders, and I can say for sure that it wasn't yeast for me. it wasn't pain from the skin. I know part of it was that I could never get DD's latch perfect, though I still have no idea what exactly was wrong with it. but if she nursed for very long (and this is still the case) my nipple comes out of her mouth somewhat flattened

[jeminijad]

I flat don't believe that many LCs can tell if the latch is good or not by looking. The one in the hospital and the one who came to my house both told me mine was fine, but my nipple (and much of the areola) came out flattened and smushed, every time.

Maybe an LLL leader would be better.

Sorro to jump in on your thread, OP.

[HappyMommy2]

I totally understand, mama.  With DD, I was bound and determined to nurse, since I had major problems with her older brother (c/s and nicu).  I did everything "right" ... but was so focused on making nursing work, that she never would take a bottle.

I hated breastfeeding for at least the first 6 weeks, and it definitely affected bonding.

DD2 is now 3 weeks old.  I am still nursing her 3yo older sister.  But - since I feel like a BF'ing pro now, I am okay with DD2 getting a pacifier.  This girl loves to suck.  I will BF her lots and lots (at least 2x on each side) ... and then she still wants to suck.  So I let her have a binky, and she happily falls asleep.

She and I are both happy and healthy.  Since I don't have to satisfy all her sucking needs at the breast, my boobies feel okay.  She is growing and getting plenty of milk.  We are bonding well, since I am not hating painful feedings 12x/day.

This may not be an appropriate solution for everyone, but I thought I would share.

Good luck to you mama!!

[ewe+lamb]

A candida overgrowth isn't just on the skin it can be deep in the breast as well, I' d really try to have a look at that, also you can look yourself at the mouth of your baby and see if the palate is high - if so it often refers to a posterior tongue tie - type 3 or 4 which are more difficult to spot and not all LCs are acquainted with them, but can be SO painful to a mother even although there maybe a decent milk transfer, I can certainly find out more information for you, and if you are looking for a LC then make sure that they are a IBCLC and a little plus would be to see if they are a LLL Leader as well, then you are really onto a good bet that they'll know what they are talking about from a practical and emotional point of view.

[Squrrl]

I appreciate all the responses.  It never hurt, though, and the itching subsided completely after...I don't remember?  A month?  It just felt pretty much exactly like it would if your husband were fiddling with your nipples and you didn't want him to, to be blunt.  I've read lots of threads where people are worrying about erotically sensitive nipples interfering with normal nursing, and everyone always says "Oh, it feels totally different, it won't be an issue."  Well, it felt exactly the same, and it was a BIG issue.  So I could either spend the nursing time trying, consciously or subconsciously, to suppress my reaction, and end up stressed and tense, or I could try to embrace it and end up getting horny and being annoyed and disgusted.  I've considered the possibility of a hormonal imbalance or inadequacy of some sort?  As noted, I also had an almost complete bonding fail for a long time, despite an unmedicated hombirth and uninterrupted time together and a good home situation and a very supportive husband.  (I feel okay admitting this now, because these days my daughter and I are almost obnoxiously close, but it was very horrible at the time).  And no, honestly, I really don't think I had PPD--and I say this as someone who HAS suffered from clinical depression.  I think I was miserable because I never got to sleep and had to eat standing up because the baby would never stop crying and hurt all over and generally had ample REASON to be miserable.

So my best idea so far is the hormonal imbalance thing...like, I don't produce much oxytocin or something?  Certainly, nursing never made me sleepy.  I literally couldn't sleep and nurse.  On the other hand, I always had plenty of milk and a healthy (read: powerful and painful) letdown response.  I don't know, and I really wish I did, so I could feel like I was doing something to avoid a repeat.