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I lied, I'm not ok with what happend (CBAC)

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 

Ok, alot of you will know my story. I have had unnecessary c/s in the past for  FTP, post-dates, prolong ROM, blah, blah, blah. ive had time to process my delivery and i am saddened and very angry. and disappointed in myself because i knew better.

 

I was pg with twins. my son was undecided in position,going from vertex to breech and vice versa. i used webster to turn him vertex successfully, but he flipped again at 35w.

 

the entire time i fought my hospital, not my OB, but the hospital (and his partners) for my VBA3C. uncomplicated pg for the most part, only minor discordance between the babies. i started swelling about 34w and my BP  started creeping up at 35w. no protein in my urine but otherwise all was fine.

 

the head of OB/maternal fetal medicine tried to BS me into signing a letter saying they didnt agree to a VBAC but would take care of me, blah, blah, lies, etc. i refused because it read like a blanket consent form for c/s.

 

i got discouraged that nothing was happening as far as dilating at my last OB appt on 11/9. at that point i scheduled a c/s for a few wks later. i later cancelled that appt. anyway.

 

i wanted to turn little man around again so i went back to the chiro for webster on 11/13 at 1230. i had my adjustment and went home and slept for a few hrs. i felt alittle off but i had had diarrhea for a few days so i didnt think anything of it. my water broke that day at 430.  labor started immediately, with contrax. every 5-7 min. hubby wanted to go right away but i managed to get him to understand that it would be detrimental and that we should wait til labor pains were really steady and i couldnt concentrate through them. that wasnt until about 745 or so. we took our older child to a friends and made arrangements for my dogs. by then it was really getting intense. contrax. every 3-5 minutes lasting about 60-75 seconds. when we got to the hospital i was only 1cm but 100% effaced and baby at -1 station. i was elated to have made progress from nothing. pain was bad and i tried hypnobabies but couldnt get anyone to leave me alone long enough to focus. they took my birth plan but nothing was being honored. the doc on call was a lot of things i am not supposed to say on here, so i wont say them. she immediately started in on the 'must do a c/s, your 2nd baby is 2lb bigger than the other and breech, blah blah'. i declined and signed the VBAC consent and we discussed reasons i would consent to a c/s for.

 

ok, now its about 1030pm. contrax every 2-3 min, lasting forever. i am now 2cm dilated and fighting realy hard to concentrate on the happy ending i wanted. tried to change positions but as soon as i would move another nurse would adjust the monitors and another contrax would come. i asked for an epidural at that point, feeling certain that my labor was good and strong.

 

thats when everything went screwy. i specifically asked for no residents/students to attend me. well that didnt get honored either. the guy doing my epi put something in my IV to 'calm me down' but wouldnt tell me what. instead it made me weak and dizzy. i could barely sit upright. i asked if that was normal and was ignored. it took 3 tries to get it placed correctly. by that time i was feeling very sick and weak. again, no one is telling me if this is normal. i didnt think it was but at that point the pain was gone and i could focus on having my babies. they laid the bed all the way back and then i heard my BP monitor dinging. i glanced over and my BP had dropped to next to nothing, from 199/120 where it was before the epi was placed. they told me to turn but i couldnt move. they flipped me to my left side and then my little girls heart rate dropped to the 90s and stayed there. the doc casually came in and asked what i wanted to do, basically saying that it was my fault that this was happening and that i should have had the c/s to begin with. not knowing that i had other options(flushing the epidural catheter among the easiest options) i said to get the babies out. so i was rushed to the OR. i asked her to follow my birth plan and use a bikini cut on my uterus, but i have no idea if she did. my records have still not been made available to me. she didnt talk to me at all until it was over, when she had the gaul to ask if i wanted my tubes tied. i tried to be positive but my hospital stay was crappy and we had to get the patient advocate involved. they took my son to the nicu after they shoved him in my face for 5 seconds. i didnt get to see him again til the next night.

 

my OB came in the next morning and said, 'you had them the wrong way'. i said, no kidding. he asks me, 'what did dr ***** do, pay the anesthesiologist under the table to mess things up?' he seemed like he was joking, but it wasnt funny because i honestly think there was something funny about how things went. how my labor was normal and we were all fine until they started putting stuff in my iv.

 

i was glad to have my babies and didnt feel the disappointment settle until a few weeks later. then i told my ob that i wanted to speak with the head of anesthesia and find out what the hell happened. and to the hospital patient advocate again because i wanted to file a formal complaint against the doc who delivered me.

 

i feel cheated out of a wonderful birth. i know that if my doc was on call, he would have been respectful and made sure things were done the way we talked about. i feel like if i would have been stronger i could have waited to have the epidural and maybe things would have been different. i feel stupid for letting them get to me and manipulate me like they did. i will never know if my son would have been fine, instead of having IVs and spending his first day of life away from me if he delivered vaginally . I just feel . .

 

i just feel so cheated. i mean, i have these beautiful babies. breastfeeding is going wonderfully, they are growing and i am physically healed. but i know that things could have been different and when i hear about successful vaginal deliveries despite all the interventions, i get jealous. when i hear about women choosing c/s for no reason, i get angry and i wish i could just forget it all.

 

im not done having babies. i know in my heart i am not. but how do i go through all that drama again? i know i am not broken now, and that labor will happen when its supposed to, and it CAN happen for me. but remembering how hard i had to fight with the everyone just to have the choice to vbac, why would i do it again? if i am going to be treated like crap, i can do it locally and save myself the drive time.

 

i was ok with it at first. now that i have had time to process everything, i got screwed and manipulated, and it ruined what was supposed to be a beautiful moment for my family. i am sad:(

post #2 of 14

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It is so hard to keep things going your way when you feel like the staff is against you. It's hard, but try not to beat yourself up for deciding on the epidural. It doesn't mean you're weak, you made the best decision for what was happening to you at the time. You couldn't know what would happen later. I hope you get some resolution with the hospital and that your emotional healing comes quickly to you. Congratulations on your babies, and on reaching out for support. There are so many of us who have had feelings like you and when you need to talk about it we get it and won't judge you, so keep reaching out whenever you need it.

post #3 of 14

What makes me upset for both you and me (see my siggie) is that our doctors weren't there at the end to support us.  I wasn't able to choose a provider who I knew would be there for me when it came time to giving birth.  I wanted to do it at home but that wasn't in the midwifery SOP.  I'd have consented to the birth center, but the same thing . . . not in the SOP.  Anyway, I somewhat resent my OB for not coming in for me, and IMO, your OB let this happen to you too.  Sorry if I'm off base.

 

Now my baby A flipped breech at 37 weeks and wouldn't reposition no matter what we tried, and since she was double footling breech, the c/s was justifiable.

 

I definitely think you need to find out what that anesthesiologist did to you to make you react that way.  I do think the hospital personnel failed to inform you of your options (epi flush). 

 

It sucks.

 

Hey, and if you want to get even more pissed, go to the March of Dimes website and find your state's stats on twin birth.  I discovered since my CBAC that 76% of twins in my state were born via c/s in 2007.

post #4 of 14
Thread Starter 

thanks everyone. i am supposed to have an appt set up with the head of anesthesia but its been weeks and i have heard nothing. im curious to know what it was because i have never had it done that way before.

post #5 of 14

I am so very sorry that you were treated so shabbily.  

 

regarding your meeting with the Head of Anesthesia - call your patient advocate again.  She is *supposed* to advocate for you.  However, she is paid by the hospital, so she is ultimately answerable to them.  You can also engage a private patient advocate who is employed by you and answerable only to you.  Google "patient navigator" or "patient advocate" to find one.  Or you can PM me - I've had experience with this type of thing.  It takes persistence and being a pain in their behind to get it done, but it can be done.

post #6 of 14

I am glad you are talking and reaching out for support.  I completely understand how you feel.  I had a CBAC 8 months ago.  I traveled 2 hours out of state and the OB I had been seeing was unavailable for my labor so I got the on call doc and she was friggin' mean, hostile.  Right after the c-section I felt ok, I think I refused to let it be as bad as the first c-section.  But about 8-10 weeks after the surgery, when the physical healing was almost done, the emotional consequences hit me like a truck.  I was so angry.  I felt so prepared and educated, and I was ready to fight and I knew I could give birth.  What the hell went wrong?  I obsessed about my birth, running through it in my head and marking every bad decision I had made that led to the section.  I kept how I felt from my family and friends b/c I was ashamed that I had spent so much money and time on a VBAC and I had failed again.  I probably should have talked to a therapist, but I didn't.  I don't remember when it happened, but I remember telling myself, "fu#! it, I can't change it now, I can only learn from it and continue on this journey"

 

We want more children and right now I am planning a homebirth, HBA2C, even though we won't TTC until this summer.  I have begun to talk to my husband about how I really feel, and he is . . . hmm. . cautious, I guess.  I hope you find the answers you are looking for, and I hope you find peace with your c-section.  I may have true CPD due to a car accident in '93, so I am ready for a section if I have to, but I just really believe I can give birth.  There is something in me that is not letting me give up on natural birth.  It does get better with time so hang in there and know that even if noone around you understands how you feel, we do, and you can vent as much as you need to.  grouphug.gif

post #7 of 14

Hey marquess, big hug2.gif to you!

 

I also had a "failed" VBAC attempt. Long difficult labor, malpositioned baby. Like you, I felt sort of fine about it for the first month or so. But then my feelings changed dramatically, and I felt angry and cheated and resentful. It's been 3 years since that birth: 2 years of being angry and 1 year of exploring those feelings and healing.

 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with it. It's not easy. I hope you can find healing and peace. hug.gif

 

Also wanted to add: Telling my story over and over again at ICAN meetings was essential to my healing process. Maybe you have a chapter nearby?

post #8 of 14
Thread Starter 

yes there is an ICAN chapter in nashville. we are hoping to have more children. not for at least another year at least, if its even possible. we did IVF to conceive the twins after TTC for nearly 8 yrs. so its a longshot but we are for sure planning on at least 1 more

 

besides. right now i have cranky teething 11 week olds (apparently all my babies will get their teeth before they are 4 mths old) and cant imagine anything other than making them happy at the moment.

 

post #9 of 14

If I was sitting in your living room, we'd be hugging tighter, stronger and longer than you have ever ever felt a hug.  :)  Really.  I am so so sorry for your experience, and you have every right to sit with those angry feelings and really let them take over (in a non-dangerous way of course) and be mad.  What happened was way wrong and should not happen to any mom.  Yes you were let down by your OB, and the staff that was there shouldn't treat anyone the way they treated you.  I am really so sorry.

 

I had a CBAC with my second, planned HB, turned CBAC after 30 hrs (plus back labor from hell) and suspected abruption with crazy baby heart tones.  It hurts, even when it is necessary, and I can't imagine the pain you are in now. 

 

I did read the book Rebounding From Childbirth Towards Emotional Recovery after my first CS and it really did help a lot.  It really gave me permission to hurt and be angry, and upset, and know that I wasn't alone, and birth was taken from me.  I highly recommend it.  I'd so mail it to you, but a mama with our ICAN is borrowing it.  Maybe check with your ICAN and see if they have a copy?  They usually have a lending library.  Tell your story over and over, even if it's to your journal, your hubby, the wall, whatever.  You have that right.  If there is anything I can do, let me know, feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.  :)

 

Much MUCH love to you.

post #10 of 14

Sometimes I am tempted to think you will find the most callous people around working in hospitals.  I had planned to have my son in a birth center, but when my membranes had been ruptured for over 50 hours and still no labor despite everything we tried, my midwife said I had to go be induced, and from there there was no way back.  I had told everyone I HAD to have a female doctor if I wound up in the hospital as I had been sexually assaulted by a male pediatrician and have a terrible fear of male doctors, but when the time came they just sent in a male doctor and a male anethesiologist and I couldn't do anything.  It's a big hospital--was there no woman anywhere?  I don't believe it.  The surgery was horrible enough without my feeling like I was being assaulted all over again and had to just lie there and take it.  I swear, they should post that sign from Dante's Inferno outside hospitals "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

post #11 of 14

I am so so sorry for you.  Really, my insides are truly torn just hearing your experience.  I am a survivor of sexual abuse as well and I can't imagine how difficult that would be.  Please, in the future, hire a Doula, maybe she can atleast help them try harder to accommodate your needs.  As I see that as a NEED and not a preference.  If it was an emergency, like you or baby were dying, then of course that's different, and that does come up, maybe she can help you a little more with that transition and processing of everything going on.  Again, I am so so sorry.  It's sounds like you may still be dealing with trauma from the birth and the abuse.  There is a lot of support out there, for both.  I'm reading the book The Courage to Heal.  I highly recommend it for all survivors.  Maybe look in your area for a healing workshop from birth tauma?  If there is anything I can do, please please don't hesitate to email me.  In both situations, you need support, it's so vital.  :)   
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arete View Post

Sometimes I am tempted to think you will find the most callous people around working in hospitals.  I had planned to have my son in a birth center, but when my membranes had been ruptured for over 50 hours and still no labor despite everything we tried, my midwife said I had to go be induced, and from there there was no way back.  I had told everyone I HAD to have a female doctor if I wound up in the hospital as I had been sexually assaulted by a male pediatrician and have a terrible fear of male doctors, but when the time came they just sent in a male doctor and a male anethesiologist and I couldn't do anything.  It's a big hospital--was there no woman anywhere?  I don't believe it.  The surgery was horrible enough without my feeling like I was being assaulted all over again and had to just lie there and take it.  I swear, they should post that sign from Dante's Inferno outside hospitals "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

post #12 of 14
Thread Starter 

i have an appt with my ob on tues next week. i will try to be calm as he isnt the problem, but he didnt protect me at all.

 

will let you know how it goes

post #13 of 14

hug.gif marquess

post #14 of 14

I really feel with you , we had a similar experience with my last baby , the doctor kept wanting to induce me , and I kept saying "no" but at my last check-up , he ruptured my water without asking me . So , they had to induce , even though I knew , baby wasn´t ready to be born yet . After all , if she would have been , I would have gone into labor , right ?

So , I ended up with a C/S as well and even though it´s been over 9 months , I could still scream every time I think about it !

hug2.gifI would raise hell , if I were you , that kind of stuff just can´t happen !

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