I don`t like men

[mmmmochi]

I just need to get this off my chest.

I dont like men.

I have never had a truely positive man in my life, nor met a man who has had true respect for women, or understanding for what it is to be pregnant, to birth, to mother, nor had respect for my choices or my journey.

I love my son, very much, and try to help him be the sort of man I would be happy to put into the world. I am sure these positive, nurturing, decent men exist, and Im determined to help my son be that man.

I have just come to think of men as weak, as unhelpful, as a trial and a bother, as users and abusers or just plain weak and useless. This is how all the men I have ever met have been. They irritate me, denigrate everything I do, my opinions do not matter.

Sorry. Just needed to vent. I need to be around other women, other mothers, people who understand and appreciate what i do day to day.

[AttunedMama]

(((((Hugs)))))   I don't have answers right now. I have to say, I've been feeling it lately as well. 

[mmmmochi]

Father`s rights groups and child custody laws forcing mothers to have contact with abusive men, making them hand over breastfed children, the absolute lack of appreciation of the worth of a mother`s love and care and her place within the family.

I am given less respect than  anyone in this family, but I am the lynchpin, I keep it all together. My arms get tired, but i can carry a four year old for 30 mins if I have to. I get worn out, but I wake up early and cook breakfast.

Somehow it just doesnt feel that inside of outside the home what I do has much worth to anyone apart from my children.

No, I really do not like men, or the white affluent lawmakers, nor the general rank and file of women hating men who pursue their children and ex`s just to hurt them with no thought to the upset they cause to their children.

[tinybutterfly]

I am sorry.

I have my own issues with men sometimes....

BUT...

I would like to say my dad is the one who finished raising us when my mom ditched out and ran when we were still teens. This was the 70s and the court wanted to put my brother and me in foster care because they assumed my dad could not raise us properly without a woman there. He fought to keep us in our home and they "gave him a chance." Said they would be watching very carefully for anything that seemed amiss and if they felt it was necessary they would pull us out of his care and put us both in foster care.

All men are not terrible. All women are not good.

And I have two sons.

I have done my best to raise them to be good men, but they will never be perfect.

They are human, like all of us.

Men and women both have their own who do not behave responsibly or respectfully towards others.

Peacefully, tinybutterfly

[mmmmochi]

Not all men are bad..I just have never had a positive one in my life. I was not saying all men are bad.

It seems you have had a really positive, caring father who protected you. Which is wonderful.

It seems all the men I know are cavemen who have no desire to  be protective, supporting, decent. I hear story after story of bad, abusive, negative, aggressive men.

Men who want to pretend they are the victims, they are the  ones who suffer discrimination..when really, truely, how far have women`s rights, and respect for mothers and the job they do..how far has that come really.

[mommariffic]

It seems like you're really angry about your circumstances, but to say you don't like men men is a pretty broad statement. If you find yourself surrounded by such unsavory men, the problem may lie within you as well. I don't even mean that meanly, although now that I've re-read it a hundred times it seems it...

I think that PEOPLE in general can pretty unsavory, men or woman. I've met a lot of stinky men in my life, but I'm sad that you have not a single positive one. 

My father was not the perfect father growing up but I forgive him, and adore him. I have a son as well and I want to raise him the best I can, but I would think that having a hatred towards men could negatively affect the way your son grows up. 

Edited by mommariffic - 2/3/11 at 4:00pm

[Linda on the move]

Is this about your husband or your father or both? Did someone tell you that you have no value because you are a woman? Is this person still in your life, are they a role model for your son?

You have the option of letting go of all the pain and hurt you are carrying around and moving forward. You also have the option to kick icky people (male or female) out of your life. Unless you believe that wonderful men exist, you will never met one, because he could be right in front of your face and you wouldn't be able to see him.

(my father is a socio path who made my childhood a nightmare. I know many wonderful men, and *most* day my dear husband is at the top of the list . )

[AttunedMama]

I said that I've been feeling this lately and want to expand a twitch. There is a 'management' aspect to this situation.

When I'm feeling this way, I go to church and let the men there treat me with respect. Even just sitting by me and a polite 'nod' go a long way when I've been lonely and vulnerable and holding on to past resentments.

I do sweet things for my son, who still has a loving heart. I go to the thrift store and buy him a teeshirt that has a puppy on it for a dollar...something like that.

I do think Linda is right,there is some level of power we have in this situation, even though feels sometimes to be  a fragile sort of power. I had my heart kicked on a fair amount recently, and find I have to do a fair amount of 'therapy' to get closer and closer to letting go....Every bit helps. Listen to Church of Women by XTC, remember that anyone who does not express himself at least that well can STAY. FAR. AWAY.

I do understand your feelings. I read a few posts on some fathers' rights forum last night, and wanted to go on a rampage.

[mmmmochi]

 I am a good mother and a good person.

I dont think I am going to get understanding here, so Ill be quiet....

[Eeyore35]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

 I am a good mother and a good person.

I dont think I am going to get understanding here, so Ill be quiet....

Well, I know there are decent men out there. I know a couple of them. Unfortunately, most of the men in my life growing up weren't decent men. They were abusers etc. Same with all the men I attrtact. And when by some miracle I manage to attract a halfway decent guy, i push him away because i think (and have been told) i"m not good enough.

So, yeah, I have issues with men. At this point, I have no desire to date. I'm resigned to being alone. I just can't deal with men, and i'm not really attracted to women, so...alone it is.

I wish I knew what the answer was. But I understand how you feel. (((hugs)))

[La Sombra]

I have gone through many phases in my life where I felt like this. I felt an actual *rage* at men, convinced that I hated the male species. I guess there were a lot of reasons for this, personal ones and socio-political ones. I want to say to you that it's unhealthy to feel like that and that not all men deserve our hatred. But I don't know that that's the message that you need to hear right now. I think a lot of the anger that you feel is probably justified, if not for personal reasons but for, like I said, socio-political ones. There are things about men (or the construct of masculinity) that still make me so so so angry. And although feeling angry and distrustful all the time is probably *not* productive or a healthy way to feel (I have certainly concluded this for myself), I think some anger at certain things is absolutely justified.

A few things have helped me. One is putting up with less bull*$%@ than I used to and being a good role model for my dd. I make sure that she sees me as powerful and strong. Another thing is developing a political consciousness about these things--it makes me angrier in some ways, but the anger is more focused and I have a clearer picture, I feel like, of where my anger should be focused. The other is thinking of my dad and brother, who I absolutely adore, and now my SON, my beautiful, perfect son who deserves to be raised without all of my baggage towards men. I also have a good man in my life now.

I'm writing this to you to say that, yes, people can say "not all men are bad" and OF COURSE it's true but your reaction is more visceral than that, and even though I hope for you that you can begin to evolve those feelings and heal from the pain that has caused them, I UNDERSTAND. I think there are probably a fair number of women who can.

[AttunedMama]

I totally understand, and I said so.

I think it feels rough because somebody implied that you had said that you 'hate men', which you did not say. I felt as though you were very clear in your statement of knowing that there are good men, but that they haven't been in your life.

Try to not get too caught up on those who don't understand, but focus on the whole picture, which includes those that do. This is part of the greater solution, both within your life and in the society's ongoing rewrite of how men (and women) 'get' to behave.

[mommariffic]

Sorry, that would be me and I edited my response

And like I said in my response that I'm SAD she hasn't had a single good man in her life. BUT I also think that in all that ugliness there must have been a decent man somewhere? Anywhere? Looking over the other posts it seems like the OP is married and that's why I'm wondering. I think when you have met so many unsavory people your opinion on all people can become a little distorted. Sorry, that's what I think and yes I've had my share of unsavory folks in my life so I can relate. If you consider men (not all, some) to be cavemen, abusers, users than yeah you're going to have that stance any time you meet a man. It's natural..

Originally Posted by AttunedMama 

I totally understand, and I said so.

I think it feels rough because somebody implied that you had said that you 'hate men', which you did not say. I felt as though you were very clear in your statement of knowing that there are good men, but that they haven't been in your life.

Try to not get too caught up on those who don't understand, but focus on the whole picture, which includes those that do. This is part of the greater solution, both within your life and in the society's ongoing rewrite of how men (and women) 'get' to behave.

[SamuraiMom]

Don't be quiet, you should have a safe place here to say what you feel. I for one do not dislike all men- but this isn't about me, it's about you. I do not like my DH due to issues of lack if respect, so I can sympathize. I do think that you should take the time to get away from the men in your life who fit the bill of "men I do not like" and focus on you and only you (and your boy of course)  (((hugs))) mama. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

 I am a good mother and a good person.

I dont think I am going to get understanding here, so Ill be quiet....

I'm sure you are a good mother and a good person.  

I have felt the same way you do, but I have moved past it. It's not that I don't understand where you are, I just know that it isn't the happiest place to be, and I know that while you FEEL stuck there, you really aren't.

[AttunedMama]

Yeah, if all the men in your life suck, it's high time to clean house. Do you ever listen to Saffire: The Uppity Blues Women? They're one of my Go-To groups. They have a CD actually called 'Cleaning House'. Lots of break-up motivation, bemoaning lousy partners but kicking them to the curb when necessary.

Also, Call Tyrone by Erykah Badu makes me and my Mama feel better and smile.

I also suggest the books In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant, and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. 

Again, I do TOTALLY understand. I've had to really take this issue to task throughout my 20s...

[myjo]

Just wanted to pipe up and say I understand.  None of the men in my life are what you would call healthy specimans.  I have days when I feel such ill will toward the entire male race, that I wish men were unnecessary.  That being said, I truly feel that a lot of negative male behavior comes from a culture that tends to encourage male dominance.  I don't think little boys are born bad.  I have three of them.  But I know that boys learn bad things from their fathers, grandfathers, other boys, and the culture in general.  It's very difficult to overcome.  I just wish more men understood the anger many women feel is many times a collective anger based not just on her own experiences, but on the thousands of years of the injurious domination of males over females, and the attitudes that still persist that are associated with that.  This is a real issue for me because DH is Mexican American, and was raised with those antiquated ideas about male privilege and superiority.  I love him, and he means well, but he has a lot to overcome.  He's changed a lot, but still has a long way to go. 

[Susie1]

Being a woman is hard -- being a mother is hard. It is hard work. It seems like a man could never work as hard as that.

I get angriest about how men behave in jail. How dare they? You know? They must be victims, themselves. How often I have been grateful that I am not a man.

Being frustrated is natural -- but it saddens me when any of us hate another based on gender, race, ability -- the list goes on. I know you are just venting -- you need a safe place to vent.

"There but for the grace of God go I..."

What if I were a man?

[crazyms]

PMed you mama.