When one sibling doesn't like the other

[midnightwriter]

Oh, I know my 8 yo DD loves her 6 yo brother very much. When he is hurt, she is the first to nurture him. When we are out without him, she always wants to get him a surprise. She protects him if other kids are mean to him. But she simply can't stand him.

He is everything that annoys her. She's always been serious, quite negative, hyper sensitive, with little to no sense of humour, irritable, somewhat anxious and somewhat controlling. He is a happy go lucky, 'a clown', loves to sing / perform and generally goof around, loves loud games, loves telling jokes. From the first word that he says in the morning--she is irritated.

She is also jealous that his relationship with his little sister is better than hers--he is just more easy going, will play and enjoy almost any game, and has a great rapport with DD2. While DD1 loves and plays with her sister, she is more high strung with her as well.

I know that DD1 would love to be out at activities all day every day, away from DS. But driving her to places is very stressful to the homebody DS, and to DD2. Besides, we don't have that kind of resources. There is one day a week where she has 2-3 things going, and it is pretty awful for the rest of us. We are unschoolers, but recently I even talked to her about maybe going to school--as the situation at home is not working for her. She is *constantly* irritated by and upset with, and consequently mean to DS. But she is adamant she doesn't want to go to school. Besides, there are no schools here that would fit her learning style / personality (I would love to have a Sudbury school here, I think it would be a great fit, but there's simply none). 

She is also an extrovert. When he irritates her, she won't remove herself from the situation. She wants to be in the middle of it. We bought her a variety of helping devices--an ipod, and a DS, so she could find a quiet corner when he irritates her, and focus on something else (he doesn't seek her out). Yet she won't use them in those situation, even with my guidance. She reads a lot, but she won't remove herself and read. She want even watch a DVD. She won't go to her room, she want go to another room, she will just scream at him and insist HE left the common area, for something as innocent  and integral to him as singing a song, or laughing, or telling a joke. Basically, for being him.

Now DS, normally easy going and forgiving, has been retaliating, and is in turn mean to her.

She's never liked him, but in the last month or two, it has been worse and worse. It is so sad to me, so frustrating, and I feel so helpless. I feel heart broken. And I feel guilty that I can't wait for the summer when we can sign her up for full day camp for several weeks (she wants it).

I don't know how to handle this. I hope it is a phase. Tell me it is a phase. Or any kind of advice. Please.

[mattemma04]

I would make her go to her room. It is not an option or a suggestion for a child who is verbally or physically attacking a family member. Make her leave.

When my kids are acting out I tell them they need to go to their rooms and remain there  until they can be polite. I let them know that whatever *reason* they give for being mean is not OK. Home is a haven and I won't have anyone stressing out the entire family.

If my dd or ds is doing something annoying  I might ask them to take that into their room if they feel the absolute need to do it over and over.

Your dd needs to control herself because her behavior is affecting EVERYONE in the family in a negative way. Counseling is an option. Is there part time school? If my child acted as yours did I would actually consider some sort of class/school/activity outside of the home,because having her around all day upsetting everyone would be to much for me to handle.

Your ds might want to do more of the behaviors he knows will annoy his sister in his room. He has a right to sing or whatever,but sometimes it is better to do it somewhere else than the family areas.

Hugs for you! I can only hope that things don't get worse when her hormones kick in. I know I absolutely hated my brother in my teen years.He was so mean to me while my mother was away working.We get along now as adults,but we aren't best of friends.

Have a sit down with the kids and let everyone talk about how they are feeling and how each can help improve the family life.

[PGTlatte]

I would also require her to remove herself, regardless of her behavior in repsonse.  When she is annoyed by something he is doing that is not an abnormally annoying thing to do, it is her problem, not his.  She would need to learn to take responsibility for her own issues, and not blame him for what is her problem.  This applies to much more in life than just her relationship with her sibling. 

[Lisa1970]

Try role playing. Next time they have a tiff, get in the middle, stop them immediately, go back over the situation and have them practice what they should have said and how they should have acted. It will take some practice, but this usually works in the end. It is a great learning experience and will carry them through life.

The only thing sending her off to school will do is allow you to ignore the problem. The problem will still be there, just never dealt with.   For the record, very few kids this age seem to be getting along at this point, as far as I can tell. So this is very normal.

[SundayCrepes]

I am 4 years older than my brother. I haven't spoken to him in 15 or 16 years. All we did was fight. I think my parents made our childhood conflicts worse. There was always teasing and a layer of antagonism. My littlest brother (who is 16 years younger than me) had a t-shirt that said, "Sisters are Big and Bossy." My parents thought that was funny. I think it fueled the flames of family discord. I remember my littlest brother being rude to me once when I was a young adult and he was a young child. My mom told me I deserved it. (And she thought it was funny that he did that to me.) I haven't the foggiest idea why I "deserved" to be treated rudely.

Please look at your own behavior. Could you possibly be making it worse? Without realizing it, could you be setting them up to antagonize each other?

When my mom tries to fuel antagonism between my kids, I stop her. She once said my 1 year old would always tease my 3 year old after she took something from him. She was 1. There was no teasing there, but my mom tried to interpret that way.

I help my kids clean their messes and tell them "families help each other." When they get along I say how great it is. I tell my son how gentle he is with his little sister. I reinforce the good and don't tease them.

Edited by SundayCrepes - 2/9/11 at 4:00pm

[aran]

Not much time to post - but want to write something because that sounds like a tough situation and I wanted to offer sympathy.  I know a PP said to "make her" go to her room, but I know that's easier said than done.  I have a DS that won't stay in his room, even if he needs a break from little bro.  There are some things you just can't "make" a kid do if they are determined not to do it, short of some serious physical interventions I am not comfortable with.  Anyhow - wanted to chime in and suggest looking at the book "Siblings without rivalry"  I keep going back to that book for ideas on how I can help avoid and/or overcome these problems that creep up on us.  It's an easy read and chock full of practical ideas you can implement, that have worked well for us.  Good luck.

[Lisa1970]

We never allow those horrible shirts that say stuff like "my sister did it" or "brother for sale" or "I am the princess."  I cannot stand when I see them on children.
 

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes 

I am 4 years older than my brother. I haven't spoken to him in 15 or 16 years. All we did was fight. I think my parents made our childhood conflicts worse. There was always teasing and a layer of antagonism. My littlest brother (who is 16 years younger than me) had a t-shirt that said, "Sisters are Big and Bossy." My parents thought that was funny. I think it fueled the flames of family discord. I remember my littlest brother being rude to me once when I was a young adult and he was a young child. My mom told me I deserved it. (And she thought it was funny that he did that to me.) I haven't the foggiest idea why I "deserved" to be treated rudely.

Please look at your own behavior. Could you possibly be making it worse? Without realizing it, could you be setting them up to antagonize each other?

When my mom tries to fuel antagonism between my kids, I stop her. She once said my 1 year old would always tease my 3 year old after she took something from him. She was 1. There was no teasing there, but my mom tried to interpret that way.

I help my kids clean their messes and tell them "families help each other." When they get along I say how great it is. I tell my son how gentle he is with his little sister. I reinforce the good and don't tease them.

[zane]

Two books might be helpful

"how to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk" 

and

"Siblings without rivalry"

Both are short and full of cartoons, so make an easy read, but a big impact.