Need help with my mother and boundaries...

[doulawoman]

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Edited by doulawoman - 9/27/12 at 3:25pm

[doulawoman]

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Edited by doulawoman - 9/27/12 at 3:28pm

[elisheva]

I understand where you are coming from, I really do. I'm not sure your taking a stand on FB pictures is going to make sense to her. It seems kind of arbitrary and like the least of the problems between you. 

If I were you? I'd just not post pics to FB if I was worried about someone reposting them. I'd keep a select email list and send out what photos I wanted public. It's pretty normal for family to forward on photos of grandkids to their friends, etc. My mom does it all the time. 

I know you said you didn't want this to be about FB pictures...but it just seems like you are using the pictures to mask bigger issues. I would forget about the pictures and stop posting. 

Parents who overstep boundaries are very hard to deal with and I get that your boundaries get overstepped by your parents A LOT and that stinks.

[ChristyMarie]

With the history I don't see your email doing much good except to make you more frustrated.

I'd block her.  Simple.  I have blocked a family member from seeing most things on FB.  It is easy to do.

Your blog is more difficult.  I'm not sure if there is the ability to block her.  Is there a way to make the photos unable to be copied?

[pjs]

You need to decide if having her as a facebook friend and if having a blog is worth it knowing she will always disrespect your boundaries in regards to your pictures. I have cutoff contact with family due to complete disregard for boundaries and as such I don't have an fb account or a blog partly because I don't want them to know anything that is going on in my life. I think it is unrealistic to expect her to respect your boundaries and privacy when you are putting it all out there in public. There's nothing you can do to make her stop and I think for someone who doesn't get boundaries I'm sure she sees no problem posting your pics on the Internet because you have already done so. If you don't want your pics circulating on the Internet, don't post them there.

[doulawoman]

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Edited by doulawoman - 9/27/12 at 3:31pm

[APToddlerMama]

OP, it may be because you don't talk a whole lot about other examples of your mother overstepping boundaries, or because I haven't read your other threads, but just from what you've written here, it seems as though your reaction may be a little strong.  Again, I say that only because I see no other examples/threads, but FB and your blog are public after all.  You're not writing because of her "ownership" of your work?  What do you mean?  You are an adult and it would seem to me that you should do what you want with your writing and not let her stop you.  Don't show your writing to her if you don't want her opinion.  She, frankly, sounds desperate.  Cutting photos off your wedding thing?  I guess I am just struggling a little to understand the situation because from what you write here, she sounds like a desperate mother who is proud of her daughter and wants a relationship, and it sounds like you are setting arbitrary and petty rules about an already very public blog/fb account.  I am majorly about boundaries and I struggle with my mother as well, but there are some things a person needs to let go.  I wish you the best. 

[doulawoman]

some history:

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1288532/getting-inappropriately-roped-into-parents-intimate-life#post_16159432

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1237127/go-back-home-to-visit-how-to-make-it-healing-healthy-as-possible-long-rambly-but-really-want-support#post_15551049

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1285677/almost-18-year-old-sister-and-self-harming-really-need-advice#post_16132837

[*bejeweled*]

I would tell her that if she posts your pictures, etc. again, you will block her from seeing any of your photos. Period. If she does it, block her. She needs to see that there are consequences to overstepping her boundaries. You teach her how to treat you.

Keep your fb account to stay in touch with your other family.

[doulawoman]

Thank you bejweled. That sounds like a good plan.

[laohaire]

The way I see it is that your mother will overstep her boundaries as she likes no matter how much you protest.

Just like a criminal disregards the rules of society, she's disregarding the rules of your person. If your brother was a thief, he does not care that it's against the law to steal, or that it hurts you or causes problems for you. So allowing your brother to come into your home knowing he's a thief just opens you up for more loss. It doesn't matter that your mother, or a thief, is wrong and you are right.

If you keep asking your mother to respect your boundaries, she will continually disappoint you.

Your only option is to take measures to enforce the boundaries that do not depend on her actions. For your Facebook example, and while I didn't read the back story I do realize it's just an example, yes - you either block her, or don't post photos to Facebook. Both are reasonable choices, you decide.

[*bejeweled*]

I understand.

Originally Posted by doulawoman 

Thank you bejweled. That sounds like a good plan.

[doulawoman]

She can no longer view any of my photos. I have blocked other aspects too. just FYI, I looked it up and here in Canada she has actually broken the law....copright infringment. i can report ehr on facebook but I'm not sure I'll take it that far. I looked at mroe of ehr albums and she has many more pics from my blog and my personal albums.She did take down the original photos in question though.

[*bejeweled*]

Good for you!

[peainthepod]

Good job, mama! Some blog software has settings that allow you to make it so your pictures can't be downloaded. You might contact your blog host and see if they can help you.

I'm sorry your mother is so difficult. Boundaries-tramplers are very frustrating and sometimes the only way to keep them at arm's length is to limit their access to your life.

[doulawoman]

Well, I am taking down my blog and watermarking all the photos then reposting. I also posted copright law on the homepage....my mom and I ahd a few awful conversations. The desperation that other people commented on was seemingly partly driven by the fact that her computer crashed and she lost most of her photos. She didn't tell me this till several conversations later. She apologized, and I sincerely believed her....so she' unblocked now. I know what you're going to say. And maybe I will be wrong or regret it. Maybe not though.I really didn;t want to have to cut my mother out. I think she honestly learned about respecting me more form this experience. Time will tell.

ETA: she still should have asked me, but she put them on facebook because she was worried her computer would crash again and wanted to not lose them. I know she could ahve made the album private or something, but I guess she didn;t think of it. I feel sorry for ehr that she misses us so much...but we just can't make a life where she is.I still feel pretty confused.

[peainthepod]

Cutting someone off is an absolute last resort. I'm glad you're not jumping at the chance to do it, and I'm really glad she seems genuinely sorry. Maybe now that she knows how much it bothers you and that there will be real consequences if she keeps doing it, she'll keep herself under control. And if not, you can always block her again.

[doulawoman]

Here I am again...feeling frustrated. My mom has also created an album with photos i took of dd on my grandmother's fb account. she did this before our talk but didn;t take them down or mention them. I asked my grandmother to take them down and she didn't even know they were there! My mom also has other pics of me preggo that i told ehr throughout my pregnancy and recently that thatw as not ok. I am not cool with random ppl from "back home" seeing my belly pics. I've taken all my pics except my profile pics completely down off facebook and asked all my rellies (well my sisters, dad and mom) to remove pics of me, dd or dh by the end of the week. Afterall, fb does ask if you ahve permission to post pics before you do it! I'll probably soon get rid of fb too... I tought my mom and i were on the same page, but i feel as if she's betrayed me. and worse, she so doesn't get where i end and she begins...i am trying to decide if i should mvoe my blog or take it down. I realize anyone can copy pics on the internet, and i haven;t figured out the anti-copy paste software yet...(any links?) I feel really as if my mom just doesn;t respect me on some primal level of our relationship..recent things ahve gone on with my middle sister applying for uni as well that can demonstrate this...yet, i do love her and i know she does love us...I don;t know where to go from here with her.

[Ktmar]

Wow I know exactly how you feel.  I actually found this thread searching for an answer to the same kind of question.  I moved home temporarily just to save up some money after college to set myself up for independence and little did I know for the past 6 months my Mother has been reading my journal and sharing private details about my relationship with my boyfriend to anyone who is willing to listen-- and I too dont want people from my hometown knowing anything about my personal life that I have not decided to share with them.  Despite that the journal snooping will stop with my move I know she'll find some other way to turn and inch into a mile and continue to overstep my boundaries.  She honestly thinks shes doing it in my best interest.

I started reading a lot of books on codependence including one called "Boundaries" and its helped me to at least not antagonize the situation or fight with her.  I also started taking meditation classes so I could clear my mind of all the frustration and emotional noise she was causing me- that helped a lot.

As for you fb/ blog pics I think you just have to block her from 'em.  I called my mother out on my journal reading/ evesdropping and she just found an excuse to justify it and continued :(