Need help with my mother and boundaries...

[doulawoman]

Hi there,

You all have been so helpful in the past with family dynamics so I'd like to ask for help again.

My mother...sometimes she does very blantant things that step oevr my boudnaries, which I am very clear on and state over and over again to her (i.e. I will not tell you what my 18 yr old sister dicusses with me, I will not listen to you vent on and on about her, I will not take sides between you and my grandmother etc etc. i will not give you endless energy and advice about your ongoing endless financial problems) I have very much been a "parent" and "co-parent" toand with both my parents from about the age of 8. I have helped raise my sisters, taken on too much adult responsibility that they put on me  etc. Now I live 3000 miles away (I lvoe them but it's not by accident that we live so far away) and all I want is a simple relationship with her...to see her maybe every few years,talk on the phone every couple weeks and LIVE MY OWN LIFE. I have past issues with ehr that I continue to work out and through but the present is still plauging me. I feel so invaded and smotehred by her.

This may seem such a small issue, and in some ways it is compared to other issues on this forum, but it is plaguing me.

The most recent thing is that she has been copy-pasting photos of myself and dd 11 mo to HER facebook albums withotu asking. I KNOW, facebook is very public etc. However, I have spoken to her over and over about this behavior...for the first 6 months of dd's life we posted no pics of her anywhere...then I was very selective with what friends can see them...only my close famiyl and  HANDFUL OF FRIENDS. I told her this. She kept copying pictrues of my pregnant belly too and finally took them all down but I just realized she copied my most recent profile pic into an album and a new pregnancy one as well. This is just one thing, she is forever stepping over boundaries and I'm exhausted. Should I cut her off? Never post anything to facebook, take her "out of the loop"? Even if I justs end out email pics to 5 family members she does this. If she took them or she's in them, it's one thing, but lately she takes the latest pics of my dd and puts them AS HER PROFILE picture. every time. I love her and I have been firm with ehr on so many issues, even this one, fi I give an inch on anything she takes a mile...my whole life she has taken credit for all my accomplishments and anything "good" about me...I am a very private person, keep my facebook small and have even gone off facebook for years at a time because of her.

Where is the line here? What do I say? How hardcore should I be? I am uncomfortable with her nosy friends and relatives (there are many)

BTW she also takes pictures off my blog too...which is also public, however those are artistic photos and if anyone else did that without permission ti would be copywrite infrigement or just plain inappropriate. I am fine if she gives people my blog address. She does not give me credit for them. If It wasn;t photos it'd be something else, it always is, so pelase don;t get too distracted about facebook and photos, this is a deeper issue betwen her and I. What can I do on my end of it?

[doulawoman]

This will sound really harsh to some of you, please don;t flame me. I have made most of these boundaries with my mother repeatedly and she hasn;t listened so, this is my last resort. She is actually used to me being pretty firm.

Here goes:

I love you, so pelase take this with love.
Please take all photos of X that you have not taken yourself off your facebook.
Please do not put any new photos of X from my blog or my facebook or my email on your facebook. I am just not comfortable.
 As well, these are my property, some of them are artistic photos and you ahve basically stolen them off my blog without permission.
 i know you mean well, but that is OVER THE LINE and I am very upset. I have watched this go on and on.
I also believe I told you NOT to post pregnant pictures of me when I was pregnant, yet I just saw a picture of me pregnant in your album.
 You may keep pictures you took or that contain you. That is it. Pictures I took from MY BLOG you need permission to reprint anywhere.
 Pictures I send you or on facebook you may print and put in your wallet or on the wall.
Please do not forward emails with pictures of X to anyone. ever. You may ask me to send them something or give them my email and it will be my discretion.
My profile picture is not to be in your albums.
If you do not comply or listen to these insturctions I may have to take you off my facebook, take all my pictures off,
and change my blog address so you don't know what it is. PLEASE don't let it come to that. I KNOW you love me and are just proud of me/your granddaughter,
however, she is MY daughter, not yours, my blog photos in particular belong to ME. It is not ok to take them without permission or credit.
This is your opportunity to show you truly respect me.
~dd

[elisheva]

I understand where you are coming from, I really do. I'm not sure your taking a stand on FB pictures is going to make sense to her. It seems kind of arbitrary and like the least of the problems between you. 

If I were you? I'd just not post pics to FB if I was worried about someone reposting them. I'd keep a select email list and send out what photos I wanted public. It's pretty normal for family to forward on photos of grandkids to their friends, etc. My mom does it all the time. 

I know you said you didn't want this to be about FB pictures...but it just seems like you are using the pictures to mask bigger issues. I would forget about the pictures and stop posting. 

Parents who overstep boundaries are very hard to deal with and I get that your boundaries get overstepped by your parents A LOT and that stinks.

[ChristyMarie]

With the history I don't see your email doing much good except to make you more frustrated.

I'd block her.  Simple.  I have blocked a family member from seeing most things on FB.  It is easy to do.

Your blog is more difficult.  I'm not sure if there is the ability to block her.  Is there a way to make the photos unable to be copied?

[pjs]

You need to decide if having her as a facebook friend and if having a blog is worth it knowing she will always disrespect your boundaries in regards to your pictures. I have cutoff contact with family due to complete disregard for boundaries and as such I don't have an fb account or a blog partly because I don't want them to know anything that is going on in my life. I think it is unrealistic to expect her to respect your boundaries and privacy when you are putting it all out there in public. There's nothing you can do to make her stop and I think for someone who doesn't get boundaries I'm sure she sees no problem posting your pics on the Internet because you have already done so. If you don't want your pics circulating on the Internet, don't post them there.

[doulawoman]

See, it wouldn't actually matter if I had fb or not. It is just one way she finds to step over the line. When I didn;t have a blog or fb she still was about to print announcements about my wedding in our old paper back where I'm from. She still called me constantly, emailed me, if she didn;t hear from me in a few days to a week, or called me up cryign and ranting about my sister when she knows my sister confides in me. It's always some thing.

I know the internet is public, however if anyone else did the same with my photos they would not be my friend or in my life. I would definitely block them.

That said, it's a painful choice. I have cut off contact before and she doesn't like it but I keep ending up here. This is NOT about FB or photos, it's about respect kwim? She actually can be super sweet and caring and generous...was just talking to her on skype yesterday before I found the pictures and she was showing me her new coat and it was all very real and sweet, but don;t know if I can trust ehr if she keeps doing that. I keep my "friends" list very small.I have been thinking about gettign rid of facebook but it is the only reliable way to stay in contact with my shy sister and several other friends...they don't really do phone or email well, yet we use the chat and comment on eahc other daily... so that is also a hard choice.

If you take a blog's photos ....well yes tyou risk that by doing a blog, however, it's the same as someone taking photos from a magazine as their own.

she wrote back to me and said the pregnant one was "accident" wtf? like she accidentally forgot, or accidentally copy-pasted and posted??

I feel so frustrated that I'm even in this position AGAIN. None of our family came to our wedding, we eloped in the end, also partially related to this. I have not written for years because of my mother's "ownership" of my writing (she does the same with my sister's singing and it defintiely crosses the line of proud supportive parent into smothering) I don't want to elt her squish my only outlet. I ahd qualms about ehr knowing about my blog in the first place. why can't this just be simple?

[APToddlerMama]

OP, it may be because you don't talk a whole lot about other examples of your mother overstepping boundaries, or because I haven't read your other threads, but just from what you've written here, it seems as though your reaction may be a little strong.  Again, I say that only because I see no other examples/threads, but FB and your blog are public after all.  You're not writing because of her "ownership" of your work?  What do you mean?  You are an adult and it would seem to me that you should do what you want with your writing and not let her stop you.  Don't show your writing to her if you don't want her opinion.  She, frankly, sounds desperate.  Cutting photos off your wedding thing?  I guess I am just struggling a little to understand the situation because from what you write here, she sounds like a desperate mother who is proud of her daughter and wants a relationship, and it sounds like you are setting arbitrary and petty rules about an already very public blog/fb account.  I am majorly about boundaries and I struggle with my mother as well, but there are some things a person needs to let go.  I wish you the best. 

[doulawoman]

some history:

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1288532/getting-inappropriately-roped-into-parents-intimate-life#post_16159432

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1237127/go-back-home-to-visit-how-to-make-it-healing-healthy-as-possible-long-rambly-but-really-want-support#post_15551049

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1285677/almost-18-year-old-sister-and-self-harming-really-need-advice#post_16132837

[*bejeweled*]

I would tell her that if she posts your pictures, etc. again, you will block her from seeing any of your photos. Period. If she does it, block her. She needs to see that there are consequences to overstepping her boundaries. You teach her how to treat you.

Keep your fb account to stay in touch with your other family.

[doulawoman]

Thank you bejweled. That sounds like a good plan.

[laohaire]

The way I see it is that your mother will overstep her boundaries as she likes no matter how much you protest.

Just like a criminal disregards the rules of society, she's disregarding the rules of your person. If your brother was a thief, he does not care that it's against the law to steal, or that it hurts you or causes problems for you. So allowing your brother to come into your home knowing he's a thief just opens you up for more loss. It doesn't matter that your mother, or a thief, is wrong and you are right.

If you keep asking your mother to respect your boundaries, she will continually disappoint you.

Your only option is to take measures to enforce the boundaries that do not depend on her actions. For your Facebook example, and while I didn't read the back story I do realize it's just an example, yes - you either block her, or don't post photos to Facebook. Both are reasonable choices, you decide.

[*bejeweled*]

I understand.

Originally Posted by doulawoman 

Thank you bejweled. That sounds like a good plan.

[doulawoman]

She can no longer view any of my photos. I have blocked other aspects too. just FYI, I looked it up and here in Canada she has actually broken the law....copright infringment. i can report ehr on facebook but I'm not sure I'll take it that far. I looked at mroe of ehr albums and she has many more pics from my blog and my personal albums.She did take down the original photos in question though.

[*bejeweled*]

Good for you!

[peainthepod]

Good job, mama! Some blog software has settings that allow you to make it so your pictures can't be downloaded. You might contact your blog host and see if they can help you.

I'm sorry your mother is so difficult. Boundaries-tramplers are very frustrating and sometimes the only way to keep them at arm's length is to limit their access to your life.

[doulawoman]

Well, I am taking down my blog and watermarking all the photos then reposting. I also posted copright law on the homepage....my mom and I ahd a few awful conversations. The desperation that other people commented on was seemingly partly driven by the fact that her computer crashed and she lost most of her photos. She didn't tell me this till several conversations later. She apologized, and I sincerely believed her....so she' unblocked now. I know what you're going to say. And maybe I will be wrong or regret it. Maybe not though.I really didn;t want to have to cut my mother out. I think she honestly learned about respecting me more form this experience. Time will tell.

ETA: she still should have asked me, but she put them on facebook because she was worried her computer would crash again and wanted to not lose them. I know she could ahve made the album private or something, but I guess she didn;t think of it. I feel sorry for ehr that she misses us so much...but we just can't make a life where she is.I still feel pretty confused.

[peainthepod]

Cutting someone off is an absolute last resort. I'm glad you're not jumping at the chance to do it, and I'm really glad she seems genuinely sorry. Maybe now that she knows how much it bothers you and that there will be real consequences if she keeps doing it, she'll keep herself under control. And if not, you can always block her again.

[doulawoman]

Here I am again...feeling frustrated. My mom has also created an album with photos i took of dd on my grandmother's fb account. she did this before our talk but didn;t take them down or mention them. I asked my grandmother to take them down and she didn't even know they were there! My mom also has other pics of me preggo that i told ehr throughout my pregnancy and recently that thatw as not ok. I am not cool with random ppl from "back home" seeing my belly pics. I've taken all my pics except my profile pics completely down off facebook and asked all my rellies (well my sisters, dad and mom) to remove pics of me, dd or dh by the end of the week. Afterall, fb does ask if you ahve permission to post pics before you do it! I'll probably soon get rid of fb too... I tought my mom and i were on the same page, but i feel as if she's betrayed me. and worse, she so doesn't get where i end and she begins...i am trying to decide if i should mvoe my blog or take it down. I realize anyone can copy pics on the internet, and i haven;t figured out the anti-copy paste software yet...(any links?) I feel really as if my mom just doesn;t respect me on some primal level of our relationship..recent things ahve gone on with my middle sister applying for uni as well that can demonstrate this...yet, i do love her and i know she does love us...I don;t know where to go from here with her.

[Ktmar]

Wow I know exactly how you feel.  I actually found this thread searching for an answer to the same kind of question.  I moved home temporarily just to save up some money after college to set myself up for independence and little did I know for the past 6 months my Mother has been reading my journal and sharing private details about my relationship with my boyfriend to anyone who is willing to listen-- and I too dont want people from my hometown knowing anything about my personal life that I have not decided to share with them.  Despite that the journal snooping will stop with my move I know she'll find some other way to turn and inch into a mile and continue to overstep my boundaries.  She honestly thinks shes doing it in my best interest.

I started reading a lot of books on codependence including one called "Boundaries" and its helped me to at least not antagonize the situation or fight with her.  I also started taking meditation classes so I could clear my mind of all the frustration and emotional noise she was causing me- that helped a lot.

As for you fb/ blog pics I think you just have to block her from 'em.  I called my mother out on my journal reading/ evesdropping and she just found an excuse to justify it and continued :(