Getting back on the grief train...losing my mom after having a miscarriage

[phoenix78]

This is my first time posting on this forum.  Three months ago I lost my baby at 12.5 weeks pregnant.  The miscarriage really shook me up and I was just starting to feel like I was returning to "normal" and today I found out my mother has metastized breast cancer in several places in her body.  The dr. wouldn't tell her anymore than that over the phone, but this is her third bout with cancer and she has been having pain symptoms for at least six months.  Couldn't get an accurate diagnosis (insurance wouldn't cover another PET scan) until today.   

I feel like I am still in a place of deep shock, even though I wasn't expecting good news.  I am angry that life is so unfair.  I am terrified of dying myself and the thought of watching my mom suffer is unbearable to me.  Her younger sister died the same way at 41 (my mom is now 61, she was 10 years older).  I really don't know what else to say other than how do you cope with losing your mother?  How do you hold your family together?  What do I tell my 5 year old who loves her grammy so very much?

I managed to get through the miscarriage grief without going back into counseling (I've haven't been to therapy in 2 years - related to childhood trauma) but I suppose it would be a good self-care plan to contact my therapist at this point.  Mostly I just don't know if I am emotionally strong enough to be there for my parents at this point but I don't think I have a choice.  Thanks for any advice from those who have been there.

[jotilley]

My heart seriously goes out to you. You are emotionaly strong enough to be there for everyone, it just doesn't feel like it. My dad got diagnosed with cancer in 2003 and the day he was supposed to go into remission March of '04 the cancer came back. The day after we put my dad on hospice, I went into therapy for the pre-grief process. Therapy was the best thing for me at that time because it helped me deal with things as they were happening and not after the fact. When he passed Jan of '05 I worked through so much in therapy I was able to cope better with his loss.

If you feel able and this is only a suggestion, start a scrap book for your daughter that is about her and her grammy. I bet you have some friends who will volunteer to put it together for you if you ask.

I had my 2nd miscarriage a week before my grandmother passed away and I was able to be there for my mom. It is a balancing act to be there for yourself and your mother. I had a great friend who was there for me, while I was there for my mother. Please remember to take time for yourself too.

With saying all that remember no-one knows how long your mom has so deal with emotions in the now. Enjoy time with her now,record her voice on something,take pictures of her with your daughter and let them have a fun outing together. It is very stressful and over whelming but soak up all the fun memories you can.

[phoenix78]

Thank you for taking the time to comment and sharing your experience.  This is so very hard.  My parents have kind of had a pendulum swing from denial to planning/acceptance this week.  Tonight we talked advance directives, clothes for the funeral, and she gave some possessions away to my girls.  I am a mental health counselor and thought I could handle all of this (the whole "be strong for your family" thing) but I am breaking down and crying like a baby losing her mother everytime we start talking openly about it...which I also realize is normal and allowed, but the sadness of it all cannot be shaken.  My due date from the miscarriage is approaching this month, adding to the loss.  I am doing my best to take care of myself but trying to balance being with my mom so she isn't alone in the afternoons, with my kids and my job is getting harder each day.  I know there are lessons to be learned in this but I am unable to see them at this point.  Can't seem to move out of the despair.