Taking DS to hospital for birth -- Suggestions?

[capsgirl08]

My mom lives about an hour away, but our relationship is extremely stressful.  She also barged in on us several times while I labored with DS1.  Not sure I can handle seeing her even if she visits to watch DS1. 

DH's parents are another story.  Stressful altogether.  They have disrespected me several times, calling what they do "out of love".

We have never left DH with a babysitter, other than a few times when we tried out church nursery.  We never left him there again, and DS1 now stays with us at church and we walk out together whenever he gets antsy.

So that leaves us with bringing him to the hospital with us.  Is anyone else doing this?  I would have preferred to birth at home, but I am just not comfortable enough with that idea to do that.  I am also concerned that I could be taken away for a C/S (I am praying for a VBAC)...and then who would watch DS1 other than DH?  And in that case, DH would not be present for DD2's birth...

Does anyone have any kind of insight into my situation?  Suggestions?  Experiences?

Also, DS1 has several severe food allergies.  Even well meaning friends who claim to "get it" bring out bags of nuts around DS until I speak up.  DS1 is 2.5.  He usually speaks up about foods and asks if something is safe or not, but he's only 2...he doesn't always and I can't handle the thought of him not being safe while I'm labor...

Sorry, this has just been weighing on me and making my heart race...thank you for your thoughts.

[FoxintheSnow]

You really need to have a dedicated person to care for your son. Anything could happen during including your ds getting really scared and wanting to leave. If it's just you and your husband, your husband would need to leave with your ds and you would be on your own for the birth. Do you have any neighbors who could watch him? Unless my inlaws or parents were downright abusive, I would utilize them to care for my children during the birth.

[Magali]

Originally Posted by FoxintheSnow 

You really need to have a dedicated person to care for your son. Anything could happen during including your ds getting really scared and wanting to leave. If it's just you and your husband, your husband would need to leave with your ds and you would be on your own for the birth. Do you have any neighbors who could watch him? Unless my inlaws or parents were downright abusive, I would utilize them to care for my children during the birth.

This sums it up for me.  Regardless of your relationship with them, do you trust any of the grandparents to watch your ds?

[Peony]

Have you researched your hospital policies, asked your provider for permission? Often the provider has to ok children there other then visiting after a birth and the hospital very well may have policies that children may not be present for labor or they require a support person for the child other then the parents. 

[MeepyCat]

The hospital I gave birth to DS at had a policy that children could be present for labor only so long as they had a dedicated adult looking out for them, someone who could take them out and sit with them if necessary.  They didn't want to separate families, but nor did they think that a child should be in the delivery room if that child wasn't handling the experience well, and they could not allow children in the OR.  Even if you were planning to labor at home, you'd need someone to be able to step in for your son in case you needed to transfer.

Are there any kids that your DS enjoys hanging out with?  Or whose parents you enjoy hanging out with?  Could you work on some of your friends about the allergy issues (I agree that it's *maddening* that they would bring out nuts after claiming that they "get it") and find someone who could come to your house to watch DS while you labor?  The advantage of having them at your house is that if it's your space, you have control over the food that's in it.

[zuzunel09]

I'm kind of in the same boat...I would leave him with my parents who are an hour away, but if I go into labor at night while my husband is at work, he'll have to come straight home and take me straight to the hospital with no stops.  I had a super fast first labor, so I expect things to move along quickly this time, too.  It is very stressful trying to figure out what to do.  Good luck!

[sweeetpea]

I was hired as a birth doula to support a mama in labor.  She called me at 3am to meet her at the hospital.  We arrived at the same time.  They had their son with them.  He was 3 y/o, sleepy, cranky and disoriented.  He stayed in the room with mama and dad, but began to be distracting.  I was supporting mama as best I could, but she was trying to give birth and parent a cranky 3 year old at the same time.  Dad started to take the boy out, but mama freaked, insisting dad had to stay with her.  So I wound up in the visitors area, reading stories and trying to comfort a scared kid in the middle of the night. I didn't mind, because my job was to do whatever it took to help the mama have a good birth.

But it really would have been better all around if they had either arranged for him to be cared for at home, to go to a relative's house, or to have someone dedicated at the hospital for the child.  A doula is fine for that, but it should be communicated ahead of time that there is that expectation.

[Italiamom]

I agree with other mamas that you will want a dedicated support person.  Having your mom barge in several times during labor would be very distracting, yes, but so will having to parent and labor at the same time   If you are going to be at the hospital, it might be possible for you to arrange ahead of time with your OBs that your mom is NOT allowed in the room...  Hospitals have policies, after all, and often times mothers will listen to an all powerful doctor, even if they wouldn't give your preferences the time of day.  Just an idea.

Another idea, can you post in your tribal area?  Would there maybe be a mama in your area from the boards who you could hire to come to the hospital?  Mamas here tend to be better versed in food allergies and natural birth.  It's a long shot, but it's an idea you could try.

It sounds like a really tough situation mama...  I'm sorry you're in that boat, and I will keep my fingers crossed that you find a person you're comfortable with!

[wombatclay]

I know some doulas in my region are willing to work as a "child's doula" rather than as the "mama's doula".  However, that is very much on a case by case basis.  And like previous posters mentioned, not every hospital will allow siblings to be present during a birth and you'll need to know the hospital/provider policies in advance so you can find options that work for everyone.

Do you know anyone from church, or have any friends, who could watch your child at the hospital?  You could pack a snack bag/game bag and let the care giver know that the ONLY foods for your child are what is in the pack (but pack safe foods for the care giver too so they aren't tempted to grab something from a machine that may not be safe for your child to be near).  That might save you some of the allergy anxiety?  I totally understand the concerns about parents and in-laws... my own mother was specifically banned from the labor/delivery ward during ym second birth due to her behavior/comments during my first birth (I spoke with my care provider and with the nursing staff, I never had to confront my mom, they just didn't let her in due to "hospital policy, ma'am").  So I do understand how hard it can be to plan for sibling care when you don't fell confident in the "obvious" options.  But it sounds like you need to either find a doula or child care provider who can come with you to the hospital, ask a friend and make them allergy safe by default, or perhaps ask if there is a child care facility at the hospital (some have them, some don't).

Good luck!  (and good luck with your VBAC!  Sending you many happy birth thoughts)