Guilty confession

[Ceinwen]

With all the court battles and horrific custody issues, I have never verbalized this.

But sometimes I really wish my ex was in a place that he could take the kids more often.

I'd even be willing to do a 50/50 split. Okay, maybe not that much - but this EOWeekend thing sucks.

If he was happy, healthy, responsible, had a good network in place... I'd probably even ask him.

But he's not. And so I have no life, no time, way too much kid stress, and no way out.

I work shift work, as a trauma RN, and it's friggin' draining. My stupid schedule usually has me working at least one day most weekends (or nights) and my downtime (kid free) is pretty narrow.

I miss my life. That's all. I love my kids more than anything, but my god I wish I wasn't solely responsible for them.

[Super~Single~Mama]

  Single momming is hard work.  Don't feel guilty for needing help - we all need help!!

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

  Single momming is hard work.  Don't feel guilty for needing help - we all need help!!

Thanks hon! Sometimes I wonder if it's because my kids are getting a bit older now (8 & 3) and I'd feel more comfortable letting them go for longer periods of time? I don't know. Maybe it's an early midlife crisis, lol. I just feel really pressed for time lately, and guilty that I work full time and yet - still want that 'little' bit of extra time to myself... Sigh.

[doubledutch]

i totally get that, and you don't need to feel guilty for feeling it!    we all need a break sometimes.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm guilty of it too... But I know with me... a lot of it stems from resentment.  I never wanted to raise kids alone.  I mean, obviously most people do not.  But some people flourish at it.  I always knew I wouldn't overly flourish at it.  I have a chronic illness, and I know how much that drains me.  Some days it's all I can do to just sit on the couch and snuggle my kids... and I have my parents in my ear telling me what an unfit mother I am and how I should be doing more with my children and how I need to be teaching DD things, etc... and most days I can't find the energy to do so.  :( 

And then I get so ANGRY that ex can pick and choose when he wants to parent.  Not that I want that "luxury" because it makes me ill the way he can drop and pick up his kids whenever he wants, for all his talk of loving them so much, his actions say otherwise... but anyway... it's just soo... gah, I'm not doing well with words today.  lol  But, he should be taking part in raising them too. 

I expect it to get better if he actually takes his EOW.  When he was doing that over the summer it helped my energy level replenish SOOOO much!!! 

So... yeah... being on all the time by yourself... it is draining.  :hug

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

I'm guilty of it too... But I know with me... a lot of it stems from resentment.  I never wanted to raise kids alone.  I mean, obviously most people do not.  But some people flourish at it.  I always knew I wouldn't overly flourish at it.  I have a chronic illness, and I know how much that drains me.  Some days it's all I can do to just sit on the couch and snuggle my kids... and I have my parents in my ear telling me what an unfit mother I am and how I should be doing more with my children and how I need to be teaching DD things, etc... and most days I can't find the energy to do so.  :( 

And then I get so ANGRY that ex can pick and choose when he wants to parent.  Not that I want that "luxury" because it makes me ill the way he can drop and pick up his kids whenever he wants, for all his talk of loving them so much, his actions say otherwise... but anyway... it's just soo... gah, I'm not doing well with words today.  lol  But, he should be taking part in raising them too. 

I expect it to get better if he actually takes his EOW.  When he was doing that over the summer it helped my energy level replenish SOOOO much!!! 

So... yeah... being on all the time by yourself... it is draining.  :hug

PM you aren't guilty of anything!!  Let go of the guilt.  Us single mom's have enough to worry about without feeling guilty!!

I wish you could move our of your parents house, I think you would feel so much better if you didn't have to deal with their abuse too.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I love visitation weekends!  And it annoys the pants off of me that XH can flake out and always have me pick up the slack.  Although I think we had a little milestone this week.  He realized that he'd volunteered to do something on DS-weekend and asked if I minded if he'd get a babysitter.  Milestone for him.  My own milestone was agreeing to the babysitter.  DS has only had a babysitter (including relatives) less than half a dozen times in 4 years.  But, he's 4 now, and very willing to tell us if things don't go well.  I fought the bit of guilt over not just volunteering to keep DS overnight on Saturday...but I neeeeeeed this weekend.  It's my recharge and get everything done weekend.  Even if I do nothing but nap all weekend (it's been done!) that time really helps.

I never planned to raise a child on my own either, but to tell the truth, I moved out when DS was 3 and I've had more "co-parenting" with his dad in the past year than in the first 3 yrs of DS's life.  He flakes out a fair amount, but when he's available it's great.  It's lonely, isolating, and hectic most of the time.  I have no social life because even on visitation weekends, I can't guarantee that XH won't flake out somehow (never the same reason, so "obviously" it's not really an issue).  And in the winter, it's even harder to get around to visit friends or family.  But the pros outweigh the cons for me a million to one. 

A year ago (even 2 months ago) I wasn't comfortable when XH mentioned getting a babysitter.  But I've seen him really trying, and I am trusting him to find someone safe to watch DS -- I'll make sure he leaves my cell number just in case.  I don't really know what my problem with babysitters is!  I babysat constantly from 12 yrs old through college and I never lost a single kid!  :P 

Ok, totally rambling!  But I don't think there should be any guilt or confessions with this!  We love our babies, but most mamas in ~healthy~ relationships get a certain amount of down-time--esp once you're past the infant stage.  It's only natural to crave that time to recharge! 

[doubledutch]

this is off-topic a bit, but pm, your dd is so young!  she learns just by being with you, interacting with you, and imitating you.  (that includes snuggling on the couch - heck, it especially includes snuggling on the couch!)  you don't need to be "teaching her things" because she has plenty of time for formal instruction.  her job as a two-year-old is to play and to just be, and she can't help but learn.

[Everrgreen]

I understand.  Right now my stbx is trying to come one day he week.  He came twice in January (after not seeing him since August).  And for those 2 visits he came to my house and I stayed there (because my son is only 2 and doesn't really know his dad that well).  I am looking forward to when my stbx can take him for the day.  And I hope he actually will come and take him once a week.  We'll see.  Overnights probably won't happen for a long time!  I love my son and I'm glad I get to have sole custody, but it would be nice to have breaks a bit more often!

[sparklefairy]

It's okay -- we weren't meant to do this all alone.

It gets easier as they get older, imo. The time that I take "teaching" them things means that they do more of the "have tos" and we have more time to have fun together :-)

[lac_2233]

Yes, Yes, Yes.  I love my daughters visits with her dad.  I am a pre-school teacher and nanny so my days are all filled with children - mine and other peoples. 

My daughter goes to her dads eow and that is it.  If he misses one then he only sees her once a month!  He doesn't actually parent as it is.  Four days a month is all fun.  I really wish he had to get her ready for school every day.  Or fight with her to brush her teeth, or tell her no - ever!  But then again he, too, isn't in the best place.  He doesn't want her any more and barely wants her that much so I don't want her there if he doesn't want her.  

 Then all that time I am parenting alone.  That is the only thing I get to do alone though!  I can't eat alone, sleep alone, shower alone, forget trying to pee alone! 

I, too, have no social life, no time, and a little, just a little, resentment.  :)

[justmama]

I am so blessed, really I can't complain.  My girls see their dad two weeknights a week for a few hours and one full 24hour period 3 weekends per month.  And really it's my own fault that I work and pack 4 shifts into those days so I cannot complain.  But I get tired.  I feel like I never get any time to myself.  Realistically I get 3 hours on a saturday afternoon away from them 3 days per month that I don't have to work for.  that's it.  And I work with children so. . . . if it's not my kids driving me crazy, it's other people's kids.  ;)  But I suppose I'm lucky to have that much time away from them.  It's just hard not to feel resentful of their dad since he puts in a few hours a week with our kids and then gives them back so he can enjoy his life and do whatever he wants.  Sometimes I'm resentful, other times I feel bad for him because I know he feels the guilt.  I guess the grass is always greener huh?

[meemee]

mama

it is for that reason i call myself a coparent. not single parent. yes its fighting over words. but that word shows i am not doing it alone. we have an almost 50/50 thing going. ex has dd 3 alternate nights a week and i have her the rest of the time - all weekend. I DO get a break. i like her not being away from me for 3 days but one night away every alternate night is such a relief. it usually means my pace slows down after 7 pm when i get home. but it still is a huge relief. even with dd being 8 since she is a night owl when she is home its not the same as her not being there. 

when she is not there there are days when i just live on chips and salsa. 

i am so grateful that her dad is involved in her life so much. but before he started overnights and i had her - oh i was so drained. so drained. 

[One_Girl]

This is why my dd does so much extracurricular stuff.  I use those half hour and forty-five minute blocks of time to do things for me like work out when she does swimming at the Y and read while she does piano lessons.  It has the added benefit of enriching dd's life also, but it is primarily my time to relax a little while she is under someone else's charge.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen 

I miss my life. That's all. I love my kids more than anything, but my god I wish I wasn't solely responsible for them.

I am a solo mama, as my X lives in another country and we see him for a week maybe every couple of years.    

It has been a lot easier now that ds is older (7.5 years), but it just has different challenges.  It's non-stop, though, and I have moments of frustration that I am the one that has to make EVERY SINGLE DECISION on my own!  Nobody to share the responsibility, nobody to discuss a situation with, nobody to give me a break, nobody who has ds' best interests deeply embedded into his soul, etc.  It sucks, but sometimes, it is also a blessing.  Depends on the day... or more like the moment.  ;o)

Thankfully, ds has a very close relationship with my parents and very excitedly spends all of his vacations (Thanksgiving, Xmas, Spring Break and almost the entire summer) with them in Oregon.  During that time, I get to have my own life, which is such a blessing.  My family rocks!    

Don't feel guilty about wanting time for yourself and asking for help to get some of that time.  If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of them... to the best of your amazing mommy abilities! 

[eewieew]

I feel spoiled. I really do.

I have a kind of 60-40 situation - Ex has her for a 24 hour period during the week, and his mom has her from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. I work on the weekends, and pretty odd hours at that, so I use the free chunks on those days to do laundry/grocery shop/whatever else I need to do that is easier without a 2 year old in tow.

DD is SN so the time that I DO have her is very focused and scheduled...which goes against my very nature, but it's the way it is for us. I do live with family so I have extra, loving arms around just in case DD needs them...and in case I need a hot bath before I murder someone!

The day that her dad has her, though...that's MY day. Sometimes I go on road trips, sometimes I play in the woods, sometimes I do nothing at all, but on THAT day, I rarely answer my phone, I don't check email, because I NEED that time to completely unplug. Otherwise, I go crazy.

I wish ours were more of a coparenting situation, but it's mostly me parenting and telling Ex what to do...and he happily obliges, don't get me wrong, I just wish he would do a little of the legwork too. And take her for more of the time that she needs to be away from me.

[Learning_Mum]

I am all about the weekends! STBX picks the kids up Saturday morning and drops them off Sunday night after they've had dinner and bath. I would go crazy without that time off! Because the boys are only 5yo and 2yo they don't do sleep overs or go to sleep for anyone but STBX and I which means they only time I get to have any sort of grown up life is on the weekends. It's one uninterrupted nights sleep a week, one morning when I can get up whenever I want. Two whole days to do anything I want! It's bliss!!

[hillymum]

I love my every other weeken off! I do nothing with the house, nothing child related (unless to help a friend out) and it's all about me! Be it sleeping, lounging around, shopping or going out with friends, it's all for me!!  I do wish sbx also took the kids on the wednesdays like he wanted and we agreed to in mediation, but thats only happened twice this year, and his mom took them once.  We also agreed that sbx would have the kids for spring break and I would have them for autumn break, but he tried to change that so he would only have them from the wednesday onwards. I just told hiom I'm not willing to go splitting weeks like that. I want a full week in Autumn to go camping! (mini vent.....then he tells me I'm preventing him from seeing the boys as much as he wants to.)

[ButterflyBaby11]

I'm with all of you, too.  Today is a work day and I woke up to NO child.  (The grandma's and her dad are keeping her for 3 days).  My ears were ringing because it was so quiet.  I enjoyed my coffee without chaos going on.  I sat on the couch and drank 2 cups of coffee without hearing "mommy can I have?"  "Mommy do this."  "Mommy, the dog licked me.  Make him stop!".  I took a shower without being stared at.  A complete head-to-toe shower without hearing "mommy" 50 different times.  I didn't hear a whining child who had just pooped and had to wait for mommy to get done in the shower so she could be wiped. 

I enjoyed my day so much.  More than I think I should have lol.  So much that I could REALLY get used to this.  So much that I'm trying to figure out a way for dear child to be gone the rest of the week and get her dad to start taking her more regularly.  I'm tired of being the only parent "raising" her while everyone else "visits" her and plays with her. 

I picked her up from grandma's the other day and grandma said, "I'm glad you're here!  I have to get in the shower and get ready to go to xyz."  Ummmm.  I have to do all of that stuff while having dear child around.  No one to swoop in and rescue me from child rearing so I can shower, prepare dinner, clean, do piles of laundry, clean up one child-mess after another, deal with stubborness from a child, run out the door wearing slippers (and finally realize it when I'm in the car and hurry up and change) when I'm running late for work because dear child decides she has to poop at the last minute and makes us late. 

I'm tired.  I think I'm going to declare myself on mom-strike for the rest of the week.  Let someone else take the wheel for awhile.  Whether they like it or not.  This mama is throwing in the towel this week.  Everyone's so quick to tell me how normal it is for my child to be stubborn or give me parenting advice.  Everyone's quick to argue with my parenting decisions, not support them, go against what I want for my child.  It's obvious they (grandma, mostly) know more about child raising than I do.  So, they can have the spot light this week.  Hope they have fun :) 

[chicmom]

Do NOT feel guilty. I would love to get a few hours to myself. I am a single mommy to 3 kids 5 and under. My middle son is  autistic. I work two  2 hour-overnight shift in a NICU while my children are cared for by my parents or sister. When I am not working or sleeping, I am taking my 3 year old to different therapies all over town or droping/picking my 5 year old off at preschool. I do ALL of the meals, baths, getting kids dressed, EVERYTHING.

STBX lives 1500 miles away and comes to see the kids once a month. He takes them for the day on Saturday and on Sunday morning. He refuses to do any overnights and really does absolutly no parenting.

I really LOVE my one Saturday off a month. I go shopping and out to lunch with my mom and sister. I really couldn't be doing this without them.

I am tired but I am all they have. That is what keeps me going. I am going to join a gym this summer that provides 2 hours of daycare/day. I am not feeling the least bit guilty about that. I can't wait.