How did you start the divorce process? I need support and hand holding...

[fiona2359]

Hi ladies,

I've been participating on Mothering since 2003, but this is my  back-up account for purposes of privacy on this issue. I found out last weekend that my husband has an on-going sexting relationship with an ex-girlfriend from high school (with plans to meet with her in April on a trip that is already scheduled) and a physical relationship with a woman that he was supposedly renting a room from in another state. (He is on a job assignment there for the past year.). We have been married for 13 years and our relationship hasn't been very good for many years. I was feeling ambivilent about his planned return later in the spring, and we had discussed going to couples therapy. However, now that I know what he has been up to, I really  just want out.

I just do not know where to start. I've done a few things, like I got a therapist, and I have a lawyers meeting scheduled for next week. STBX has no idea that I know what he has been doing. I feel physically ill just thinking about the whole situation. We have two kids age 4 and 7 - I am devistated for them, although truthfully, STBX hasn't been around  much the past year anyhow. So, in some ways... idk. I work part time but as of today have approval to go to 4 days per week and then 5 whenever I want. I plan to work that in over the next few months. My childcare person is available for increased time.

I feel like I've dealt wiht some of the logistics as a way of not dealing with my own emotional fall out. I feel GUILTY when I think of telling STBX (I just cannot all him DH - sorry) that I'm through.

How did you do it? How did you cope? Did it all workout ok?

[Halfasianmomma]

How did I do it?

I was in counselling for about a year; I relied on my family and friends, and some MDC mamas. I posted on MDC A LOT (as well as on another site for family of addicts). I journalled, I prayed, I meditated and I went tango dancing :)

I also consulted three lawyers, hired one, fired her and then hired another. I made sure that I got what I needed in terms of communication from my legal representative. I knew nothing about divorce and I needed someone to explain to me where I was going and what was going to happen.

How did I cope?

I honestly coped by looking at my DD, who was 15 months old at the time. Everytime I had a bad day and XH would harass or threaten me, I would go home and see my lovely DD, and remember that it was for her, as much as for me, that I was doing this. She deserved a sane and happy mama, and a safe home.

Did it all work out?

Yes, in fact it did. I got my divorce 9 months after I left XH, because he was abusive. Also, what greatly helped is that he never deigned show up in court, so I got sole custody by default. And gradually, with time, he faded into the woodwork. So all in all, it did work out ok.

I know it's a very scary road to be on...but your instincts seem to be dead on: you want out. Listen to them.

[NolaRiordan]

First, I'm sorry. I know how hard this is. I was where you are about 3 years ago. You will get through it.

Having a therapist is great! The first year I pretty much just went to mine and bawled for an hour. But it was SO helpful to have a place to just dump everything your feeling.

Do you expect that he will fight you on the divorce? Or might custody be an issue?

I would really focus on getting everything in order during this time that he is away. Make lists of everyone who might be able to help you out with child care, home maintenance, or anything else.

I assume you handle all the finances? If not make sure you gather all the information including account numbers, balances, etc.

Interview a couple lawyers at least and find one that you think you can work with.

You just have to take this day by day. And honestly focusing on the logistics rather than the emotions might actually not be a bad strategy to get you through it.

[hillymum]

       You situation is so similar to mine. My sbx worked out of state 4 days a week which was good for me as the judge ruled EOW visitation for him and I've agreed to every wednesday after school to 8pm (though it seems to need to be decreased to every other weekend as sbx is out of state). NolaRiordan is correct, you need to get as much information on finances as possible. Car loans, morgage (is your name on it?) credit cards etc. All bank account details and history, any other savings, retirement accounts, Roth accounts etc. If you can't get this info don't fret as it will all come out in disclosure. Tax returns are also good to have.

      If you have joint accounts only I recommend you open your own account now and move half of any savings/ joint account across now.  I thing the second thing a sbxh does is cut off his wifes access to  funds! Don't be greedy and take everything as this will be frowned upon by your judge.

If you don't think sbx will handle being under the same roof as you can ask your attorney to file for sole residency of the marital home. Make sure your attornie files for temp child support and temp custody right away.

As to telling your sbxh, try doing it as calmly as possible away from your children. I don't know  but suspect the way things are done right at the begining can really affect how the two of you will interact together for quite a while into the process.

[Lauren82]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Here's an article that I thought was handy. Although I don't agree with the part where it talks about do it yourself divorce. I tried that with my ex h and it turned into a nightmare waste of time and money.

http://life.familyeducation.com/divorce/family-law/45518.html

[GoBecGo]

I think in your place i would tell him very simply "i know about xxx, i know about yyy, i really cannot be married to you any more, and i would prefer if you do not return in Spring".  Perhaps even a note or email if you cannot handle face-to-face.  If you are done with him there is no point in feeling guilty - you need to focus on YOU now.  Tell him in the way that costs YOU (emotionally, physically, heck - financially!) least.

I hate to add this to the mix, but if you have been intimate since he was intimate with the other person then you really need to get a full STD screen.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[fiona2359]

Thank you everyone!

What questions should I ask the lawyer when I meet with her? In terms of interviewing her I have no idea what to ask. I was  more focused on asking her "what do I do now>"

I have control of all the finances, in general. I will move 1/2 to a personal account before I say anything to him. I changed the password and log-on information for all banking accounts. He has no idea about the finances because he has never handled them. I am very worried about making ends meet, as I have no idea what he is going to be required to pay me in terms of child support. I have also seen him through medical school and an Army career and now he is going to get out and his income will triple or more...It seems so unfair.

We have no had sex in quite some time - one of the symptoms of our relationship problems. So at least in terms of STD I do not need to worry about that. I will ask for a full screen at my next annual, which is coming up.

I am so concerned for my kids. I feel so bad for them. We were going to take them to Spain in June and I just *do not* want to go at all. They were so excited. IDK what I am going to do w/ that.

[vannienicole]

I left before starting the process and wish I had been as prepared as you are.  Seeing a counselor is always a great step just for your own well being.  What got me through the insanity of a year long divorce with plenty of drama, was having an amazing lawyer I clicked with.  She really fought for me and cared about what I was going through. 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Coping ~  What has been said... counseling, talking here on MDC, journaling, reading pertinent books to my situation. 

I'm a planner too... and for me working out the logistics was really part of the coping.... but in the end I just broke, and had to leave, with many pieces not totally put together.

Stay strong.  You will get through this.  *hugs*

[NolaRiordan]

I think it's OK to ask the lawyer for his / her advice on what you should be doing now. I would also ask how they usually recommend handling the divorce process-- do they typically use some kind of mediation, do they prefer to negotiate with the other person's attorney, etc.? Beware of anyone that tells you you can get everything you want. I've had a number of friends have a lawyer blow a lot of smoke up their butts initially about what they would get and in the end they were sorely disappointed. One thing I really liked about my lawyer was that he was very matter of fact and told me what I was and was not likely to get. And in the end he was pretty much right. Of course you also need to ask about money, how much they want up front and how they will bill. Bottom line is you want someone you can work with. You may end up spending a lot of time with the person so make sure you can communicate with them and feel confident that they know what they're doing.

As far as child support you should be able to find the child support calculator for your state on the web and you can plug in some basic numbers and get a ball park figure of how much $ you'll get. And don't worry too much about the fact that his income will be increasing in years to come because your child support will be based on that income, so if he makes more you get more. Not that you'll be able to live on it of course.

There are a number of good books out there. The one I liked best for financial issues is "Divorce and money." As far as the kid issues I really like "Moms House Dads House, " and the Gary Newman "Helping your kids Cope with divorce" book.

[fiona2359]

Thank you all - Your support and advice help me so much.

Lauren82 - thank you for the link, it was really helpful.

My goal this weekend is to get all the tax stuff pulled together. He will be home this weekend so I won't be able to work on other issues. He is acting like he is having a midllife crisis, bought a red 2-seat sports car, which doesn't do snow and now needs to get  a "snow car." Isn't sure that his new job will start on time so thinks he will just take the month of July off and "hang with the kids." Never mind that that leaves us w/o a significant amount of income, we already pay for childcare, and also w/o health insurance and such. I almost wonder if he is up to something himself because he is being so uncharacteristically irresponsible in terms of spending money and with his job and such. Next week, when he isn't around I am going to do a budget. I have a pretty good idea of how much we spend, but I want to get the hard and fast numbers on paper and see where I can cut things. I already made a few easy cuts, with the knowledge that I can go bare bones if I have to in the future (e.g. lose the gym membership and take cell phone down to minimal service, etc.)

I am trying to manage my anxiety. I feel physically ill - my stomach just cramps up - when I am under high amounts of stress. Also been figuring out how to stay extremely busy this weekend w/ the kids so we aren't around the house..

He wants to sell his old car to his "landlady" - also known as the woman he is sleeping with. Grrrrr.

[chel]

i suggest this website.  he was my atty and has a very detailed form with all the info you need to gather.

www.halllawpractice.com

i also found irresponsible behavior a major sign of something being very wrong.

[NolaRiordan]

His behavior may be a sign that he has something else going on. Hard to know. But it does sound like you would be wise to move ahead with your plans-- especially transferring half the money over so he can't touch it if he is making irresponsible decisions with money.

[fiona2359]

The links have been very helpful. He was just here for the weekend and left a few hours ago. I just stay away as much as possible.

I plan to do the budget before I meet w/ the lawyer on Friday.

I told one dear friend what was happening and she has been extremely UNsupportive. She told me I should do everything in my power to avoid divorce because it would do "irrepearable" harm to my children. That I should just "pretend" that I don't know and "not let it get to you" regarding the fact that he has been living with another woman for close to a year now. She made be feel horrible and like I was to blame. I feel like he has left already, left the relationship, and I really need to protect myself and my kids. It was so painful. I know it will hurt the kids, but I can't just go on like this the rest of my life. I am desperately unhappy, have zero expectation that he will ever change or that our relationship would ever get better (hello - I am not the one living w/ another person), and absolutely no desire to be with him any more. She makes me feel like an awful person. I did decide not to discuss the issue w/ her further and I think a lot of what she is expressing has to do w/ her issues, not mine.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by fiona2359 

The links have been very helpful. He was just here for the weekend and left a few hours ago. I just stay away as much as possible.

I plan to do the budget before I meet w/ the lawyer on Friday.

I told one dear friend what was happening and she has been extremely UNsupportive. She told me I should do everything in my power to avoid divorce because it would do "irrepearable" harm to my children. That I should just "pretend" that I don't know and "not let it get to you" regarding the fact that he has been living with another woman for close to a year now. She made be feel horrible and like I was to blame. I feel like he has left already, left the relationship, and I really need to protect myself and my kids. It was so painful. I know it will hurt the kids, but I can't just go on like this the rest of my life. I am desperately unhappy, have zero expectation that he will ever change or that our relationship would ever get better (hello - I am not the one living w/ another person), and absolutely no desire to be with him any more. She makes me feel like an awful person. I did decide not to discuss the issue w/ her further and I think a lot of what she is expressing has to do w/ her issues, not mine.

Yup. ALL of it has to do with her issues, really. I'm glad you know that. I'd cut her out for now...I feel bad for her that she'd be willing to live in a pumpkin, but it's not FRIENDly to expect the same of you.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by AttunedMama 

 

Yup. ALL of it has to do with her issues, really. I'm glad you know that. I'd cut her out for now...I feel bad for her that she'd be willing to live in a pumpkin, but it's not FRIENDly to expect the same of you.

Agreed. You're going to need a lot of supportive people in your corner going through this so just remove the ones who aren't supportive from your life.