 I didn't quite get through all the responses so hopefully this isn't a total repeat. If time-outs work because she is able to understand the connection between controlling her behavior, would it work to maybe tie her behavior on an outing to her getting to pick an activity she wants to do after? This wouldn't be forever, but it could be a good way to start a change of mindset for her. I can imagine a scenario like this..."I need you to come to the grocery store with me. I know it is not an activity you enjoy but we need food. I expect you to be my helper finding the food we need. If you can do that and not start to scream or hit because you are bored then afterward we can go to the (enter a favorite place here) for 1 hour. If you have a tantrum, then we will not go to the _________. " She will test your resolve, of course, but stick with the plan and maybe she will start to connect the pieces.
As she gains self-control in more situations, then you can start to taper back the activities...ex. she has to earn 3 stars and then she can pick an outing or something along those lines.
