My mother is upset about baby's name...perspective needed please

[DaisyO]

Hi!

I have a very depressing and (to me) complicated problem with my mother.  I really need some perspective, here. 

So, I have always had the perfect mother.  Beautiful, smart, and so sweet and helpful and generous.  She was the only person I told when I went into labor, everybody else found out after the baby was born.  She's only 20 year older than me, too, so we've always been close.  She can be very picky and critical, but I haven't been affected by it before now.

When I finally got around to having a baby after the age of 30, it was naturally a big deal in my family and my partner's family.  First grandchild all around.  We had picked out a name for her (unrelated to any family member) that turned out to be utterly wrong when we finally met our little girl.  So, we chose a name--thought up by my partner--that is sweet and also kind of tough-sounding, and is a short version of my partner's mom's first name.  I thought it was nice that it reflected her name, but not a huge deal or anything.  The name really did seem to suit our girl, although if we took another week or something to choose a name we might have come up with something else. 

Needless to say my mother was beyond upset when she heard our dear baby's name.  She practically hung up on me when I told her the name, while I was still in the hospital, the day after my baby was born.  She was so hurt that the name reflected the other grandmother's name.  Not sure if she wanted me to name the baby after herself, or if she just wanted her NOT named for the other grandma, but it was a big problem.  I never expected a reaction like this from my sensible, wonderful mother, and in fact it never crossed my mind that she would take it like that.  It really cast a black cloud over my first few days as a mother.  Eventually she said she was sorry for being so "silly", but now she is upset again.  My girl is almost 5 months old now, and she doesn't recognize her own name yet but will soon, I'm sure.

This has been very hard for me.  I spend time fantasizing about other names I could have given her that would have been inoffensive to my mother.  I don't totally feel like I love my girl's name any more, although it seemed so right to me when my partner suggested it.  This whole trouble is almost making it hard for me to fully embrace my baby like I should.  I go between feeling horrible guilt and regret to feeling angry with my mother for her behavior.  I know it is kind of nobody's fault, but I can't help feeling awful.  I guess honestly I didn't think of her feelings at all when I named the baby, because it never even crossed my mind that she would react like that.  There is no way to "fix it", because the naming of the baby is over and done with now.  I love my mother very much and it kills me to have made her unhappy.

Please stop and give me some perspective.  I'm feeling really low and it is not helping me be a good mother to my sweet baby. 

thanks a lot--

Daisy

[tzs]

i think you said it so well at the end of your post that i would just write her a letter that says basically the same thing. that you love and respect her and never put a thought in that it would hurt her because she IS sensible and wonderful etc etc...

and for what it's worth, my mother gave me a pretty lame-o name that she says she had thought long and hard about and was really attached too (it also happened to be the number 1 most popular name of that year). so i don't take mothers at necessarily being naming experts (except myself as a mother, of course)

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

That happened with our first baby too.  She didn't look like an Emily, and besides that, when the nurse asked what her name was and my mom (who had butted her way in, but that's another story) said, "Emily!" the nurse said, "Well, that's Emily #5 for today."  I didn't want my baby to have a name like everyone else.  I am a Jennifer - I had enough of that growing up, and didn't want that for her!

So we named her another name that we loved, that my mother apparently HATED.  She called her Emily for months.  However, it didn't dampen my love for my baby.  She WAS her name, and it was our decision to make.  My mom had had her turn - three times. 

I think that what you need to realize it that she is you and your partner's baby to name whatever you wanted.  Not your mother's.  While it would be nice if everyone loved every decision we make as parents, the reality is, that doesn't happen.  Embrace your role as mom.  Love your baby - and realize that this is NOT your problem, but your mother's.

[Knitting Mama]

If you really, really, really feel that her name is not what she is meant to be named, change it. She's young, it won't be all that difficult for her to learn a new name.

However, doing that may affect your relationship with both your mother and your mother-in-law, so keep that in mind.

[raqi]

 I second the PP's suggestion that you write your mother pretty much exactly what you've written here.  She probably doesn't realize what this is doing to you and seeing it written out as well as you've explained it I'm sure will snap her out of it.

[DaisyO]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama 

If you really, really, really feel that her name is not what she is meant to be named, change it. She's young, it won't be all that difficult for her to learn a new name.

However, doing that may affect your relationship with both your mother and your mother-in-law, so keep that in mind.

oh my gosh, I could never do that.  My mother-in-law would be hurt...I couldn't live with hurting 2 grandmas in 5 months!  I do feel like her name suits her, is great for her, and is generally a nice name that is not too common and not too far-out (my friends all call their babies by one-of-a-kind names, but I wanted to be more traditional for some reason).  Thanks for the idea though!

I thought the other suggestions were really good.  My mother is really sensitive so I think I'll have to sit on it for a while.  This is all so painful, so thanks for your support here.

[Knitting Mama]

Good, I'm glad you're not going to change it. I just wanted to offer that suggestion because of the point where you said "I spend time fantasizing about other names I could have given her that would have been inoffensive to my mother.  I don't totally feel like I love my girl's name any more, although it seemed so right to me when my partner suggested it.  This whole trouble is almost making it hard for me to fully embrace my baby like I should."

But in the end, changing it would cause so much drama on your in-laws' side and would probably send the wrong message to your mother as well.

[DaisyO]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama 

Good, I'm glad you're not going to change it. I just wanted to offer that suggestion because of the point where you said "I spend time fantasizing about other names I could have given her that would have been inoffensive to my mother.  I don't totally feel like I love my girl's name any more, although it seemed so right to me when my partner suggested it.  This whole trouble is almost making it hard for me to fully embrace my baby like I should."

But in the end, changing it would cause so much drama on your in-laws' side and would probably send the wrong message to your mother as well.

yeah.  And it's her name, you know?  It's who she is now.  Thanks a lot for writing back, that was nice.

[Anastasiya]

Wow. That's a tough one.

If it was just any old name that your mom didn't like, I'd be telling her what a PP said. She had her chance with her kids and she needs to get over it.

HOWEVER, I can really, truly understand why she's hurt. If she's as sensitive as you say she is, and you are as close as you say you are, then I am sure she is grieving that you chose to honor your DP's mother over her. She's not seeing it as just your dd's name, but a statement of preference for one mother over another.

Does she like your DP's mom? If not, that will make it worse.

I know my mother would be deeply wounded if we had named her first granddaughter after DH's mother. And the only reason DS got the middle name he did was because it was the name of both his grandfathers, not just one.

I really think, if it's going to eat you up so much that you feel a disconnect with your dd, and cause you to feel guilty whenever you refer to your dd by her name, you might want to alter (but not change) it somehow. Can you incorporate a short version of your mom's name into a second first name? Or middle name?

[McGucks]

I agree with the PP's suggestion to write a letter containing the tenderly written material in your post.  You sound like a very compassionate woman who has a wonderful relationship with a wonderful mom, and I have no doubt that with some communication about this, you all will be okay.

That said, I would like to share my own naming story.  I actually dreaded finding out whether our child was a boy or a girl because DH thought his dad had asked him to name our child after him (after the grandfather), whose name is the same as my ex-husband's.  I absolutely knew I could not go there.  When we found out that, indeed, we were going to have a boy, I got totally hysterical and into a massive fight with DH about whether or not we were going to name the child after his dad (who, by the way, is a good man...it was only a big deal for me since a) it's my ex's name, and b) it's a name I never liked, even when I was married to my ex).  Names are very important to me.  As everyone from my family of origin has passed away, I wanted to incorporate one family name that is also a part of my name and was furious that DH & his family were telling me not only what first name we "had" to use, but also the last.  Part of my sadness--and yes, I had trouble with feeling towards him like I wanted to--I do think it interfered with our bonding--was when DS was born was that we still didn't have a middle name when we left the hospital (we agreed on a mutually agreeable first name and a hyphenated last name, but DH was still holding out to use his dad's name as the middle name).  To make an even longer story short, DH finally talked to his dad who said that, no, he didn't want DS named after him...he wanted him named after DH!!!  Massive miscommunication that caused months of upset.  Also, MIL didn't like the first name and in the hospital even said "What kind of name is that?"  Very rude.  I think that, unless you name your child Turdbucket, a MIL needs to say "What a beautiful name."  Names are an immensely personal decision.  MIL also doesn't accept that DS has a hyphenated last name and consistently writes things to him or makes things that are personalized for him with the last name she thinks he should have had (one of which is part of his hyphenated last name & is her last name).  What a drama.  Thanks for letting me share.  I hope your story has a happy ending someday and I am sorry that there has been so much heartache over what should be nothing but a joy...but I understand, believe me.

[norasmommy]

I too can relate to your story- my DS is 8 mo and I have had name anxiety ever since he was born and my MIL & FIL were less than supportive. Maybe you already read my post called "Should we have named him that?"- many people posted wonderful responses there too regarding my feelings.  I  understand what you are going through and agree that naming your child is an immensely personal decision that should only be made by you and your DH.  On the other hand, it is very difficult when those we are close to, especially our mothers, are not fully supportive. Because of what other people have said, I have looked at my son quite a few times and wondered whether we should have chosen something else and/or discussed what we were thinking of naming him before he was born so we had gotten the reactions of friends/family then.  However, the more I have thought about it I am very glad that we didn't, because then we would have chosen something that everyone else wanted, and not a name that was truly special to me and my husband.  

Your situation sounds very difficult, and I know how "all consuming" it can be to be in turmoil over something like this.  When you have such a wonderful amazing new baby and new life, you want everything to be perfect and for family to surround you and your baby with nothing but love. 

My suggestion would be for you to talk or write to your mother about your feelings about this.  I actually had a run-in with my MIL on the day of my son's baptism because she kept making negative remarks about his name all day, including telling me it wasn't a "Christian" name, and that someone at his party supposedly told her that we should change his name. By the end of the day, I completely lost it and told her that she doesn't have to like his name, but she cannot continue to be rude and disrespectful.  I felt bad that I had blown up at her, but I'm actually really glad that I did because it got it out in the open and I feel like now she is much more accepting of it and I'm sure with time it will only get better.  I think in this case explaining to your mother why you chose the name, that it was in no way meant to slight her, and that even if it isn't her favorite name, you love her and want her to just love and respect you and your child regardless of what her name is.   Also, like a PP suggested maybe you could consider honoring her someway by giving your daughter a second middle name (I have 2 middle names myself) if you think that would make you and her feel better and get on with life.  Having a new baby is so wonderful and at the same time an emotional whirlwind- I think with time you and your mother will feel better and better.  Thank you for sharing your story and feelings :)

[McGucks]

Norasmommy--I wasn't raised in the church, so I don't know what a "Christian" name is...but if you didn't name your son Satan, I'd say it's probably all good.  And BTW, I LOVE the name Nora.  I agree with what you said about being glad you didn't run the name by folks prior to choosing it...that's exactly why we kept it a secret.  We didn't want anyone's opinion or critical look.  I don't understand why families think they have the right to dictate what you name your child.  They had their turn and now it is yours and your DP's, if you have one.  It's not a democracy...it is, I think, a most intimate decision.  It was for me, anyway.

[neonalee]

Caedenmommy - We had some trouble with DS's name as well, but you've already gotten good advice.  I wanted to tell you I love your profile pic!  I wish I had one like that!

[A&A]

wow, the name thing really revealed some prejudices your mom apparently has for your MIL that she was hiding pretty well previously.  Your mom's insecurities are her own problem, not yours.  When I told my mom my son's middle name, she said in a snarky way, "I'll get used to it."   And to my mom and yours, I have this to say:  "the names of your grandchildren aren't about you, so get over it already!" 

My mom's insecurities came out big time in my parenting....even the fact that I breastfed somehow made her upset because she didn't breastfeed me.  I have to focus on what's good and right and perfect for my children, not my mom's issues.  I can't parent my mother while I'm trying to parent my children, and neither can you.  Part of really growing up is realizing that you'll differ from your parents sometimes, and even outright upset them sometimes, and that's not only ok, but also healthy. 

Go hug that sweet and beautifully-named daughter of yours! 

[Adaline'sMama]

Well, my mom wasnt awesome to start out with, so my story is just annoying. Short version is when I called and told her that DD had been born and I told her DD's name the conversation went like this:

Me: Adaline Sarah (Sarah was after my grandmother, who was then suffering from a stage four GBM brain tumor)

Mom: Really? Adaline, is that like, a permenant thing?

She asked me that question for about 6 weeks, and even at my grandmothers funeral she asked if I was *sure* I wanted to keep the name Adaline. The funny part is, DD had been Adaline since she was about 6 weeks concieved. Sometimes people just have no ability to control themselves.

[GoBecGo]

When DD1 was born we gave her my (late) mothers name as a middle name.  XMIL went on and on about it.  Eventually i told her "you get cancer and die and we'll name a kid after you!" and she realised how much it meant to me and why and never mentioned it again.

You're a mother now.  Your first duty of care is to you CHILD, NOT your mother.  It's sad that your mother doesn't love the name, but i'm sure loves the child.  One day in the future she might get a baby named for her, you know?  If she does it is a gift, not an entitlement, to share the name.  She is being selfish and unthinking to stress you about this, and you should tell her so.

[DaisyO]

Originally Posted by Anastasiya 

Wow. That's a tough one.

If it was just any old name that your mom didn't like, I'd be telling her what a PP said. She had her chance with her kids and she needs to get over it.

HOWEVER, I can really, truly understand why she's hurt. If she's as sensitive as you say she is, and you are as close as you say you are, then I am sure she is grieving that you chose to honor your DP's mother over her. She's not seeing it as just your dd's name, but a statement of preference for one mother over another.

Does she like your DP's mom? If not, that will make it worse.

I know my mother would be deeply wounded if we had named her first granddaughter after DH's mother. And the only reason DS got the middle name he did was because it was the name of both his grandfathers, not just one.

I really think, if it's going to eat you up so much that you feel a disconnect with your dd, and cause you to feel guilty whenever you refer to your dd by her name, you might want to alter (but not change) it somehow. Can you incorporate a short version of your mom's name into a second first name? Or middle name?

This is kind of how I feel about the situation.  It was clearly something I should have thought through differently.  The baby has my last name, not my partner's, and I thought that was good for my side of the family.  Unfortunately, I really cannot stand the idea of changing my baby's name in any way, even to add to it.  It just seems too extreme...we already have a social security card, and there is a birth certificate waiting for us at city hall.  I will have to sort it out with my mother in another way.  The thought that I have "deeply wounded" her is too awful for words, but I think changing or adding to the name would just be a bizarre thing to do that would only highlight the problem instead of mitigating it. 

I'm sure she knows I prefer her over my mother-in-law (duh!) but I never thought that she actually might not even like my mother-in-law.  That is very sad to think about and I'm worried that the next time they get together it will be too horrible for my mother, and, as a consequence, his mother.  I don't think they've seen each other since I had the baby.  Very bad.  Don't know what to do about that bit.  Want them to like each other.  They are both sensitive and proud...

thanks...D.O.   

[Anastasiya]

I wouldn't say it's unfortunate. It IS your daughter's name now. I was just worried that it was going to bother you and guilt you for the rest of your life to the point where you'd always regret the choice.

Truth be told, it would bother me and drive me CRAZY and I'd be toying with the idea of changing the name, but like you, I wouldn't really ever do it. You're right in that it wouldn't really help the situation at that point. What's done is done.

Do you like your mom's name enough to use a short form or variation of it for another kiddo one day? Just curious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaisyO 

Originally Posted by Anastasiya 
I really think, if it's going to eat you up so much that you feel a disconnect with your dd, and cause you to feel guilty whenever you refer to your dd by her name, you might want to alter (but not change) it somehow. Can you incorporate a short version of your mom's name into a second first name? Or middle name?

This is kind of how I feel about the situation.  It was clearly something I should have thought through differently.  Unfortunately, I really cannot stand the idea of changing my baby's name in any way, even to add to it.  It just seems too extreme...we already have a social security card, and there is a birth certificate waiting for us at city hall.  I will have to sort it out with my mother in another way.  The thought that I have "deeply wounded" her is too awful for words, but I think changing or adding to the name would just be a bizarre thing to do that would only highlight the problem instead of mitigating it. 

[DaisyO]

"Do you like your mom's name enough to use a short form or variation of it for another kiddo one day? Just curious."

Anastasiya: yes, I like her name a lot, that is an irony in this situation.  In fact I always called her by her first name growing up, my parents taught me to call them by their names instead of "mom" and "dad".  I would totally name another girl a variation, but that would never change the first mistake (also, who knows if I would ever be lucky enough to have another girl).  Sadly, it is the initial mistake that's going to bother and guilt me for the rest of my life, and I can tell that I'll never stop regretting it.  I feel like such a bad person.

Just also wanted to say thanks to those others of you who have been so supportive on this thread.  Talked to my dad this morning (he was wonderful) and am trying to get through it, but still feeling horrible.  Helps to read your comments though!

[Anastasiya]

You sound very, very much like me.

I'm sorry. Many hugs to you.
 

Originally Posted by DaisyO 

Sadly, it is the initial mistake that's going to bother and guilt me for the rest of my life, and I can tell that I'll never stop regretting it.  I feel like such a bad person.