My mother is upset about baby's name...perspective needed please - Page 2

[Quaniliaz]

I have to agree with several of the people that already posted. This was not a mistake on your part. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Naming a baby is a really personal decision - not up for committee vote!

If it were me, I'd tell her that I was very sorry that she felt so sad about this. That it wasn't my intention to slight her. But that it is dd's name.

And then let it go. Really. Forgive yourself, if that's what you need to do. But don't hang on to someone else's issues...

I think if you continue to worry about it, it will have an impact on how you feel about your mother, mil, and dd's name.

[philomom]

Sweetie, your mom is outta line. Sounds like your daughter managed to "choose" the name that's meant to be hers.

[treeoflife3]

you didn't make a mistake and you shouldn't feel guilty.  You had a completely different name picked out but when your baby girl was born, she made it clear that she wanted the name she has now.  Sure, it is your MIL's name but your mom shouldn't be taking it as an insult to her.  Your baby girl has TWO parents, both of whom have a mom.  Her dad deserves to use his mom's name just as much as you deserve to use your mom's name.

It is unfair for your mom to be so angry as to make you think you made a mistake.  She is out of line.  Its okay to be disappointed... but by being angry about your baby girl being named for her paternal grandma, your mom is insulting you as an adult and a mom able to make your own decisions for your child, she is insulting your husband for disregarding HIS family, and she is insulting your baby girl by insulting her parents and some of her grandparents.  Your mom is trying to turn the birth of YOUR daughter who also happens to be your husband's daughter who also happens to be his mother's granddaughter into an issue about her.

My mom spent most of my pregnancy joking about how my daughter's name had an extra name (her middle name) and it was annoying and got old fast but had we chosen to name her for my husband's mom, she wouldn't have said a thing.  My child isn't just my child and isn't just her grandchild.  My child has a whole extended family.  So does yours.

I can see how it hurts her, after all you came out of her and this little girl came out of you.. the line seems pretty concrete.  It isn't worth getting into such a tizzy though.  Especially not during a time where you just want to be happy and need to be as stress free as possible to care for your new little one.

[zinemama]

The person with something to feel guilty about here is not you. It's your mother. A woman who would throw a hissy fit over her grandchild's name, putting a black cloud over her daughter's first days as a new mother is not, I'm afraid, the wonderful, sweet, sensible woman you have always believed her to be.

And the fact that 5 months later, her disapproval is interfering with your enjoying and bonding with your child indicates that there is something very very unhealthy in your relationship.

Tell yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Tell your mother that the name is what it is, that you don't ever want to discuss it further, and then get on with enjoying your daughter.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by zinemama 

The person with something to feel guilty about here is not you. It's your mother. A woman who would throw a hissy fit over her grandchild's name, putting a black cloud over her daughter's first days as a new mother is not, I'm afraid, the wonderful, sweet, sensible woman you have always believed her to be.

And the fact that 5 months later, her disapproval is interfering with your enjoying and bonding with your child indicates that there is something very very unhealthy in your relationship.

Tell yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Tell your mother that the name is what it is, that you don't ever want to discuss it further, and then get on with enjoying your daughter.

While I agree that the OP shouldn't feel guilty, I think that it's understandable that she might feel sad that the baby was named after the other grandmother. She's only human. Not moving beyond it is the real issue here, in my opinion.

[Queermama]

I'm not sure how old your baby is, but both my mother and mother in law hated our baby's middle name.  he is 7months now and it has grown on them both... but my mother in law especially was throwing a huge fit and asking us if it was too late to change it.  she even did research into changing birth certificates. ugh.  but now things are better!

[Mosaic]

Originally Posted by DaisyO 

Sadly, it is the initial mistake that's going to bother and guilt me for the rest of my life, and I can tell that I'll never stop regretting it.  I feel like such a bad person.

Originally Posted by zinemama 

The person with something to feel guilty about here is not you. It's your mother. A woman who would throw a hissy fit over her grandchild's name, putting a black cloud over her daughter's first days as a new mother is not, I'm afraid, the wonderful, sweet, sensible woman you have always believed her to be.

And the fact that 5 months later, her disapproval is interfering with your enjoying and bonding with your child indicates that there is something very very unhealthy in your relationship.

I have to agree. You and your mother share a closeness that many daughters can only hope for, and I respect very much that her opinion and her feelings are extremely important to you. However, as we grow, marry, and become mothers ourselves, our relationship with our mothers must change as well. That doesn't mean you grow apart; your relationship with your mother can grow and deepen as you go through these changes in life.

Very gently, if you cannot enjoy your beautiful new daughter for concern over your mother's feelings, and if you cannot envision a future in which you do not feel extreme guilt and regret, your relationship is not as healthy and close as it may have seemed. For it to interfere with your relationship with your own daughter, something is very wrong. Your mother is entitled to her own feelings, but I'm sure that she loves you and would NOT want you to be so upset over this or forever plagued with guilt. I'm sure she wishes for you to have the same, close relationship with your daughter that your mother has with you. This is one of those times when you need to assert yourself and your decisions and consciously choose to stand up for your daughter, her name, and ask your mother kindly to let this go so that it no longer comes between you (and then do the same yourself).

[norasmommy]

I think what the PP said was very well put, especially "This is one of those times when you need to assert yourself and your decisions and consciously choose to stand up for your daughter, her name, and ask your mother kindly to let this go so that it no longer comes between you (and then do the same yourself)"  I think everything happens for a reason, and maybe what is happening right now with regards to your daughter's name is to teach you something and possibly repair something between you and your mom that may have been there all along, regardless of what name you and your partner chose for your precious child.  Maybe this is an opportunity for growth and acceptance, even if you feel right now at this moment that you may never accept your decision, you can if you decide that you will.

If you truly are feeling extremely regretful and guilty to the point where it is interfering with your being the best possible Mom for your DD, I would recommend considering going to see a counselor, spiritual adviser, etc. whom could help you in a non biased way process your feelings about this as well as to hopefully help you come up with some ideas as to how to deal with what is going on between family members.  I had a late term miscarriage a few years ago, something I thought I could never accept, and going to talk to someone about it helped me immensely. 

Hugs to you and your wonderful daughter

[JudiAU]

Originally Posted by norasmommy 

I think what the PP said was very well put, especially "This is one of those times when you need to assert yourself and your decisions and consciously choose to stand up for your daughter, her name, and ask your mother kindly to let this go so that it no longer comes between you (and then do the same yourself)"  I think everything happens for a reason, and maybe what is happening right now with regards to your daughter's name is to teach you something and possibly repair something between you and your mom that may have been there all along, regardless of what name you and your partner chose for your precious child.  Maybe this is an opportunity for growth and acceptance, even if you feel right now at this moment that you may never accept your decision, you can if you decide that you will.

If you truly are feeling extremely regretful and guilty to the point where it is interfering with your being the best possible Mom for your DD, I would recommend considering going to see a counselor, spiritual adviser, etc. whom could help you in a non biased way process your feelings about this as well as to hopefully help you come up with some ideas as to how to deal with what is going on between family members.  I had a late term miscarriage a few years ago, something I thought I could never accept, and going to talk to someone about it helped me immensely. 

Hugs to you and your wonderful daughter

You've received very good advice throughout your thread. It is reasonable and sensitive of you to feel sad that your mother's feelings were hurt, especially since you didn't intend it. But her action is all out of proportion and unreasonable. And if it has caused you to have such a strong reaction you might want to consider your relationship, and if all of that criticism has really left you unscathed. I'd seriously consider finding someone to talk this through because I think if probably reflects other, deeper issues you two might have.

Please enjoy your daughter, who probably has the lovely and perfect name.
 

[nextcommercial]

It sounds like she was very shocked and hurt.

My aunt and uncle had a daughter they wanted to name Emily.... but, when they told my grandmother, my grandma was crushed.  Turns out it is a very hurtful name for my grandmother.  There's a whole story behind it, that nobody knew about at the time.  Grandma had a sobbing fit when she heard that.  So, my aunt and uncle had her name changed to Donna.  All was good.   It was just one of those things that aunt and uncle never saw coming.  It wasn't mean spirited at all. 

I never would have thought it would be hurtful to choose a child's name.  But, I guess some of us have strong feelings about it.  I wonder if I'd react that way if my daughter named her child after her mother in law?  I hope I would just be happy.  

You love your mom..and I bet she's a wonderful grandmother.  I think she needs to get over this though.  You chose your daughter's name, and YOU love it.  Hopefully she will grow up loving it.  Hopefully nobody will keep telling her the story about "grandma and the baby name".  

[DaisyO]

hey...

thanks so much, ladies.  Can't tell you how helpful ALL of your advice has been.  Literally every one of you.

Talked to my mom last night, things are going to get better.  she is still shaky and I am still regretful, but having read all of your advice has been really valuable and will help me be strong through this.  I'll find somebody neutral to talk to about it too, and I'll try to make sure my girl never finds out about the whole thing.

can't wait to be able to look at my beautiful baby and not think there is something fundamentally wrong about her...and look at my mom and not feel like I've ruined grandmotherhood for her...the day is coming!

peace

D

[Mawood]

You have gotten so much advice and opinions already but I just wanted to throw in there that the postpartum period is a very emotional time - some or most of it due to hormones. So while it seems like it may bother you for the rest of your life I am sure you will look at it in a different way a year from now. I remember that I had very strong feelings about a couple of things postpartum and the lack of sleep plus having these strong feelings add stress on top of it. I hope you will be able to let go and give yourself a break. Personally I think you did everything with your very best intentions and have nothing to feel guilty about. You are a new Mom and just went through pregnancy, birth and the first couple months of motherhood. If it is an option you can seek for emotional support through natural remedies like the flower essences. I found that having acupuncture postpartum not only helped me physically but also helped to stabilize my hormones and I felt more stable emotionally as well as a side effect. It might not be an option but maybe you can think of something that would help you to distance your self a little bit and then get back to it later with a new outlook. All my best, Maren 

[McGucks]

One last thought.  When I had to get out of a relationship years ago and knew I would be dealing with guilt over hurting the other person, a mutual friend of ours shared this quote:  "There are no right or wrong decisions.  You make a decision, and you make it right."  That line of thinking can be pretty helpful in life, especially with the zillion decisions you will make as a parent.  And I agree with the above poster's comment about the tremendous (though wonderful) upheaval that early motherhood can bring.  The rational part of you, of course, knows that there is nothing "fundamentally wrong" with your daughter, as you feared...but our emotions and intuition post-birth can pack a wallop for sure.  Hang in there!

[McGucks]

I like what philomom said below.  If it helps any of your guilt, remember that it was the strength of your daughter's personhood who actually chose the name she has.  I really do think that time and perspective will heal everyone all around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by philomom 

Sweetie, your mom is outta line. Sounds like your daughter managed to "choose" the name that's meant to be hers.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by zinemama 

The person with something to feel guilty about here is not you. It's your mother. A woman who would throw a hissy fit over her grandchild's name, putting a black cloud over her daughter's first days as a new mother is not, I'm afraid, the wonderful, sweet, sensible woman you have always believed her to be. And the fact that 5 months later, her disapproval is interfering with your enjoying and bonding with your child indicates that there is something very very unhealthy in your relationship. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mosaic 

 Very gently, if you cannot enjoy your beautiful new daughter for concern over your mother's feelings, and if you cannot envision a future in which you do not feel extreme guilt and regret, your relationship is not as healthy and close as it may have seemed. For it to interfere with your relationship with your own daughter, something is very wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by treeoflife3 

 your mom is insulting you as an adult and a mom able to make your own decisions for your child, she is insulting your husband for disregarding HIS family, and she is insulting your baby girl by insulting her parents and some of her grandparents.  Your mom is trying to turn the birth of YOUR daughter who also happens to be your husband's daughter who also happens to be his mother's granddaughter into an issue about her.

I agree with all those comments.  When I started reading your post I could kind of tell where it was going.  It's a stereotype of dysfunction (young mother, the mother/friend line blurred.  The fact that you term her perfect/beautiful).

I would urge you to talk to someone to detangle this a bit.  I'm also curious how your husband is dealing with it. Does he do a better job of seeing things more objectively/clearly?  I hope so