Being told your parenting choices are selfish?

[Calliope84]

It seems to me that some people consider your parenting style to be "selfish" when you try to adhere to a natural parenting / AP parenting philosophy. It is so bizarre to me, because I consider the way some mainstream parents operate to be selfish.

For instance... A girl told a friend of mine that anyone who breastfeeds past 12 months is "only doing it for themselves." She thinks breastfeeding past then is wrong and could damage the child psychologically.

I know some people think co-sleeping is selfish, because I need my baby to "have her own space" and learn to be "independent" and I am only sleeping with my kid for my own selfish reasons.

I am not ready to leave my 2 month old for an extended period with a baby-sitter and my family thinks this is weird and selfish of me. They don't think I should take a baby for a long drive or to events we go to (like a fair we are going to this week.)  I think my baby belongs with me and I am EBFing and don't want to leave a bottle for a long period of hours. I've told them I will be OK with longer times away from her when she is a bit older... maybe when she "gets" that mom is coming back again.. ;( I read that the research shows that babies get stressed out when they are away from their mothers... babies in daycare have higher levels of stress hormones and I know stress hormones can lower immunity in anyone. So my choice is backed up by science as well as my desire to be close to my baby.

Some people seem to think wearing my baby is me being an "overbearing" mother and not "giving her her space." My sister and mom particularly. That *I* just want her close and it isn't for her benefit, too. I know that my "mommying hormones" are kept high by me keeping in close contact with her and it helps me cope with the days that are hard where she cries a lot or is fussy... or when I don't get enough sleep. Additionally, I happen to think my baby enjoys being held!

I've been told it is selfish not to give my kids junk food and tons of plastic toys when I express my desire to keep that stuff to a minimum. I had a friend tell me that the world is a really messed up place, so I need to just relax and have fun and not worry about anything. This made me feel like I am too serious about everything... but on the other hand, I don't *want* to just go along with how things are. My choices might not change the world but I don't agree with how things are done in the "mainstream"... I don't *want* to support companies that I  think lack social responsibility .... etc. Is that "too serious"?

Jw other parents point of view on this.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

It seems to me that some people consider your parenting style to be "selfish" when you try to adhere to a natural parenting / AP parenting philosophy. It is so bizarre to me, because I consider the way some mainstream parents operate to be selfish.

And the wonderful thing about this world is that both points of view are okay and valid, depending on where one's coming from.

[limabean]

Is your 2mo your first baby? If so, I remember how that felt too when my DS was a baby. Every decision you make as a mother feels under such scrutiny, and there can seem to be such a huge chasm between the way your friends and family do things and the way you do things. As they get older, though, and you're no longer in such an intense stage about sleeping, feeding, diapering, etc., there aren't so many divisive issues and everybody relaxes a bit.

But it can be tough at first -- just stay strong in your convictions without tearing down other people's beliefs and hopefully you'll all come out okay on the other side. 

ETA: If you haven't read about it yet, do a search for the "pass the bean dip" method of deflecting questions about your parenting choices. 

[cappuccinosmom]

To me it sounds like your mother and sister are trying to justify their own way of doing things by dragging you down.  Some people can't let others do things a different way, because to them it feels like judgement.

I don't think any of those things are inherently "selfish".  They can be done out of selfish motivation, and they can be taken to an unhealthy extreme, but it doesn't sound like you are doing either of those things, *and* the opposite behaviors can also be selfish and taken to an extreme.

Make your parenting decisions with your child's best interest in mind.  Sometimes, her best interest and yours will co-incide, and that's perfectly OK.

[CatsCradle]

Maybe instead of perceiving the word "selfish" as a negative thing, you can twist it into a positive response.  Something like:  "Yeah, I guess you could say I'm selfish...I do have my family's best interest in mind...so ultimately there is something inherently selfish in that." 

[crunchy_mommy]

Honestly, you just need to find a way to filter it all out. Everyone is going to criticize your parenting choices, but as long as you are doing what you feel is best for your child, you need to just ignore them. I also don't understand how it's selfish to parent this way, except that I think maybe some people have different priorities for their children. I read in Our Babies, Ourselves, that most Americans 'dream' for their kid is for them to become independent etc. (I don't remember the exact wording) which I have to admit really does not align with my 'dreams' for my own DS. I guess if you are looking at it from that standpoint -- of making your kids independent being the most important thing of parenting -- then it would seem selfish to cosleep etc., no matter what the studies say -- it just sounds counterintuitive to them.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

It seems to me that some people consider your parenting style to be "selfish" when you try to adhere to a natural parenting / AP parenting philosophy. It is so bizarre to me, because I consider the way some mainstream parents operate to be selfish.

And the wonderful thing about this world is that both points of view are okay and valid, depending on where one's coming from.

True.  In most cases, both style of parenting works out fine.  So, I just let people say/think what they want, and I do what I want to do anyway.   My Mom used to give me parenting advice.  But, I reminded her that my brother and I are alive IN SPITE of her parenting.  Not because of it.  

My sister in law was a little better in the area of parenting, but had totally different choices than I would.  Yet, we both have healthy, happy grown kids.  

The only opinion I really cared about was my daughter's father.  And, even then, I only BARELY cared.  (which is probably why we are divorced)

[meemee]

what has really helped me with family is to first connect with the idea that they truly want the best for my child. u know how it is. you dont matter but your baby does at that age (at least it was for me). i found if i could connect with the idea that my mom truly loves my dd and wants the best for her - but she is having a hard time with ME being a new parent... i can deal with it much better. all her bizarre statements would not hurt that much anymore.

i was able to see we were coming from 2 different places where logic does not play a role. in a sense that has always been the social dynamics in my family - me being the black sheep. so it was not anything unusual when my parenting styles raised eyebrows. however i will say in equal measure i received a lot of support. which is what kept me going. my v. intellectual uncle who has no idea how to survive in a regular world without his books - noticed the closeness btw dd and me and commented on that. how unique that was. and to me that proved i was doing the right thing.  for him to notice was a very big thing indeed. 

one mom accused me of 'abusing' my child (yes she did take that term lightly) because at 18 months my dd had never been to a McDonald's. 

[Agatha_Ann]

Originally Posted by limabean 

Is your 2mo your first baby? If so, I remember how that felt too when my DS was a baby. Every decision you make as a mother feels under such scrutiny, and there can seem to be such a huge chasm between the way your friends and family do things and the way you do things. As they get older, though, and you're no longer in such an intense stage about sleeping, feeding, diapering, etc., there aren't so many divisive issues and everybody relaxes a bit.

But it can be tough at first -- just stay strong in your convictions without tearing down other people's beliefs and hopefully you'll all come out okay on the other side. 

ETA: If you haven't read about it yet, do a search for the "pass the bean dip" method of deflecting questions about your parenting choices. 

I noticed this too. My first and even second child I was constantly having to explain and justify my choices to what felt like everyone. Now that we are going on number five, people are much less likely to say these things, I am much less likely to let it bother me, and my kids are turning out just wonderfully. I also agree with the PP who said people get defensive when they hear you are doing things differently then they are/did. Just try to remember those are their issues to work through, not yours.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Honey...you need to let that roll like water off a ducks back! Seriously, stop even thinking about what other people think. There are more ideas about how to be a mother on this earth than there are MOTHERS! We mothers can sometimes be so evil and judgmental without even realizing how deep we're cutting each other. I think that tends to be truest of all (for some mamas) with our own mothers/sisters. I think it's because of a deep down need to feel like we're doing a good job, that our reasoning in the decisions we made/make was/is sound, or whatever. I think when you choose a parenting path that is very purpose/intention driven and tends to go against the grain of what is done in the "mainstream" it can come across to some people as a choice not to do what every one else is doing because you think what everyone else is doing is wrong or stupid or whatever else...and people get kind of defensive and feel an inner need to defend their choices and the closeness they know they have with their own children.

The thing I did to shift this tendency to get negative feedback about my choices, was to sort of look at my excitement at the path I was choosing in my mothering and realize that I was coming off kind of "Oh, well I know the better way" - and when I kept that tone in check, a lot changed in the way some of my more mainstream friends communicated with me about my choices and theirs.

Besides...I can't tell you how many people I know who will argue with me until they are blue in the face about how "cosleeping is bad for your kids!" - who wouldn't HESITATE to let a sick, stressed or scared kid spend the night(s) in their bed. I know a ton of women who said "Ew, I wouldn't breastfeed past a year" - who saw two years come and go before they had the heart to try and wean - because they looked down at that little face and couldn't say no. I know a lot of people who are very very attached, but would never CALL themselves that. When it comes to our kids, we have a lot of ideas about what we "would" do, what we wouldn't, etc....but the truth is, we're most all of us complete nuts for our kids and tend to end up doing whatever we need to keep them happy and smiling.

[Cyllya]

Just wait another ten years, then they'll be urging you to take actions to reduce her level of independence! 

[goinggreengirl]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

Maybe instead of perceiving the word "selfish" as a negative thing, you can twist it into a positive response.  Something like:  "Yeah, I guess you could say I'm selfish...I do have my family's best interest in mind...so ultimately there is something inherently selfish in that." 

I agree. Turn the meaning around. I'm selfish for my family. I treasure this time DH and I have with our little one so I selfishly guard it from other people who try to take him from me or want to watch him without me. I'm selfishly guarding our breastfeeding relationship- I won't allow anything to mess it up.

And remember, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks! If you are meeting your baby's needs then you are doing what is right!

[JudiAU]

I think most of the criticisms you mentioned are about justifications for the personal choices of others. Your choices threaten their choices.

I do think that it is a little different from the grandma who wants to be needed, ie let me have the baby overnight at three weeks/ why are you always holding them/ and my favorite " if she must be breastfeed it us selfish or you to not ump lots of bottles so I can feed her. "

[Calliope84]

Thank you everyone for the advice / point of view ;)
 

Originally Posted by JudiAU 

I think most of the criticisms you mentioned are about justifications for the personal choices of others. Your choices threaten their choices.

I do think that it is a little different from the grandma who wants to be needed, ie let me have the baby overnight at three weeks/ why are you always holding them/ and my favorite " if she must be breastfeed it us selfish or you to not ump lots of bottles so I can feed her. "

My sister is like that with the bottles. She doesn't think I should take her with me tomorrow for a small trip we have to take and that I should pump bottles. We are going to be stopping at an outdoor fair on the way home and she thinks that is bad, too. I think DD comes into contact with more germs from people holding her (probably my sis who goes to school) than she will from an outdoor fair. And I live in FL... it isn't really cold right now where we are going. I am also tired of people saying I shouldn't take the baby anywhere because "she hasn't even had her shots yet." (my mother) I'd like them to tell me exactly what those shots protect against, but of course they never know. I know, though, and I know vaccines only protect against a small number of diseases! But I don't even want to get into vaccines here. Blah.

[sewchris2642]

I totally admit to being a selfish parent.  Extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, child-led weaning, home schooling, etc. were all chosen in part because it made my life as a mom easier.  And anything that made my life easier was preferred.  But I mean easier in the long run.  Giving into temper tantrums or wants that are not in the child's (or the family's) best interests did not make my life as a mother easier.  On the contrary, it made my life harder in the long run.  So I always kept the long term goal in mind.

[sewchris2642]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Honestly, you just need to find a way to filter it all out. Everyone is going to criticize your parenting choices, but as long as you are doing what you feel is best for your child, you need to just ignore them. I also don't understand how it's selfish to parent this way, except that I think maybe some people have different priorities for their children. I read in Our Babies, Ourselves, that most Americans 'dream' for their kid is for them to become independent etc. (I don't remember the exact wording) which I have to admit really does not align with my 'dreams' for my own DS. I guess if you are looking at it from that standpoint -- of making your kids independent being the most important thing of parenting -- then it would seem selfish to cosleep etc., no matter what the studies say -- it just sounds counterintuitive to them.

That is exactly what I mean by keeping the long term goal in mind.  I did (and do) want my children to be independent.  To think for themselves, not to take the word of an ad, a public service announcement, a politician, etc without researching all sides and making an informed opinion for themselves.  You are right that everyone has different parenting choices.  But having a different choice that yours doesn't mean that either one of you is wrong.  Always keep in mind how you come across in conversations.  No one likes to be criticized for their parenting choices, even if they are different from yours.  Chances are you both are right and neither one of you is wrong.

[mamazee]

All mothers are judged, regardless of what they do.  If you made more mainstream choices, you'd still get judged.  I'm afraid the only thing to do is to ignore it, because it wont stop.  Sadly.  I don't know why we mothers (not anyone specifically but as a whole) do this to each other. 

[Lamashtu]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

Maybe instead of perceiving the word "selfish" as a negative thing, you can twist it into a positive response.  Something like:  "Yeah, I guess you could say I'm selfish...I do have my family's best interest in mind...so ultimately there is something inherently selfish in that." 

 Love, love, LOVE that quote, CatsCradle!  Well done!

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

All mothers are judged, regardless of what they do.  If you made more mainstream choices, you'd still get judged.  I'm afraid the only thing to do is to ignore it, because it wont stop.  Sadly.  I don't know why we mothers (not anyone specifically but as a whole) do this to each other. 

There are so many mamas posts here that I want to quote!  Love the abuse statement by not taking your kid to McDonalds... really?  Our society is really wacked.  I think it is abusive to have your children eat there period! 

Stick to your guns, it is your right and what your intuitive self is saying.  It is as hard as you make it.  Post affirmations for yourself and when folks get in your face, go to those. 

Keep your chin up!

[shanniesue2]

I haven't been called selfish, but my MIL did say that I wasn't being intellectual because I didn't want to let DS CIO. This is the point at which I stopped talking to MIL about parenting choices.