Being told your parenting choices are selfish? - Page 3

[Lisa1970]

I got the mental health comment lately because my son tried to plan his own 16th birthday party and a relative decided to hold one for him, so some relatives told me they would go to the relatives house for his party and not our house for the one my son planned. I told them over and over again that the one at the relative's house is not my son's party, but they kept saying it was. Then they got all angry and questioned my sanity when I stood my ground and still let my son have his party. Only my sister and her kids came from my side of the family. The rest went to that other relatives house. Who is nuts there?
 

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

This is just too much.

My mother asked me if we have mental health coverage today because she thought I'd been acting "weird" since I gave birth and my sister agrees!!!

I guess I am acting weird. My life has been forever changed by this amazing little person ;) I am being very assertive about my choices and I am not giving in to things that don't line up with how I want to parent. They apparently think these choices are weird so there must be something wrong with me...lol

Ahh.

Well, I love all the replies to this. I didn't mention that at the same place the receptionist said that I also breastfed. I was trying to cover us up a bit, but the baby was sweating and I was sweating so I just said screw it. I had my boob pulled out the top of my shirt and the baby was latched on. This was the first time I didn't feel awkward about breastfeeding in public. In fact, I was carrying on a conversation the whole time with an older woman who was telling me how she also breastfed. This was in a waiting room full of people.

I never see anyone breastfeeding around here, but I am proud that I breastfeed and I know it is a normal, healthy thing to be doing with my baby. I also feel like if I breastfeed in public maybe it will normalize it a bit or give another mama the idea that she can do it easily, too. So... yes... feeling confident and comfortable breastfeeding in public is a great new thing for me. ;)

[BarefootScientist]

I am with sewchris. Selfishness is a big reason that I parent the way that I do. I have heard some of the AP-is-selfish comments, but I have also heard, probably more often, the AP-is-being-a-martyr line of thought. I can see both sides.

But a lot of the things I've chosen to do are for selfish reasons - mostly what makes my life easier. Breastfeeding - sure it's good for the baby, so there's that. But it also (at least for me) was much more convenient, easier, and cheaper than using formula and bottles. I started cosleeping with DS because neither he or I were getting any sleep unless he was next to me. It was way easier than trying to get him to sleep in a crib in another room. And we did mostly baby-led weaning because it was easier to give him food off our plates than preparing purees. Just a few examples.

I may get flamed for this, but I do NOT make all my decisions based only on what is best for my kid/kids. That is a consideration of course, but so are my feelings about the matter and what is best for me. As well as the needs of other members of the family and the family as a whole, what is easier, what comes naturally, and what seems to be working. I happen to think that what is "best for the baby" happens to coincide a lot of the time with what is easiest for the mom, but even if others disagree, "best for the baby" is not the only criterion we have to take into account, and nobody should be judged for using other criteria.

Not that I think it sounds like you are being selfish, OP, or that I think it's ok for people to call you selfish, not at all. I think that's pretty rude, and it doesn't sound like you are making your decisions for selfish reasons at all. In your situation, I think as time goes on and everyone gets adjusted, it will become easier. Just keep parenting in the way you want to, and don't let the criticisms bother you. In regards to the mental health comment, if they are saying it in a spiteful way, or if they are saying it only because they don't agree with your parenting choices, that's pretty toxic. But otherwise, I would say they are only trying to be helpful and I hope you can give them the benefit of the doubt.

Take care!

[Calliope84]

Originally Posted by BarefootScientist 

I am with sewchris. Selfishness is a big reason that I parent the way that I do. I have heard some of the AP-is-selfish comments, but I have also heard, probably more often, the AP-is-being-a-martyr line of thought. I can see both sides.

But a lot of the things I've chosen to do are for selfish reasons - mostly what makes my life easier. Breastfeeding - sure it's good for the baby, so there's that. But it also (at least for me) was much more convenient, easier, and cheaper than using formula and bottles. I started cosleeping with DS because neither he or I were getting any sleep unless he was next to me. It was way easier than trying to get him to sleep in a crib in another room. And we did mostly baby-led weaning because it was easier to give him food off our plates than preparing purees. Just a few examples.

I may get flamed for this, but I do NOT make all my decisions based only on what is best for my kid/kids. That is a consideration of course, but so are my feelings about the matter and what is best for me. As well as the needs of other members of the family and the family as a whole, what is easier, what comes naturally, and what seems to be working. I happen to think that what is "best for the baby" happens to coincide a lot of the time with what is easiest for the mom, but even if others disagree, "best for the baby" is not the only criterion we have to take into account, and nobody should be judged for using other criteria.

Not that I think it sounds like you are being selfish, OP, or that I think it's ok for people to call you selfish, not at all. I think that's pretty rude, and it doesn't sound like you are making your decisions for selfish reasons at all. In your situation, I think as time goes on and everyone gets adjusted, it will become easier. Just keep parenting in the way you want to, and don't let the criticisms bother you. In regards to the mental health comment, if they are saying it in a spiteful way, or if they are saying it only because they don't agree with your parenting choices, that's pretty toxic. But otherwise, I would say they are only trying to be helpful and I hope you can give them the benefit of the doubt.

Take care!

No my family can definitely be pretty toxic / negative at times. I even doubted if I should live by them, but in the end I decided it would be OK and I did want family around.

I actually agree with you... I mean I do do these things because I believe they are good for DD, but I also do them for me as well. When I spend time with her and wear her *I* get a big boost of mommying hormones that make me happy and keep me going. I am shocked I haven't come down with ppd yet. I actually thought for sure I would, but being around the baby seems to boost my spirits, even if she is screaming half the day. I feel really good when I breastfeed,too. I think AP style parenting works with this spirited baby and it would really be awful if we did just leave her crying at different points throughout the day. A crib wouldn't work with her right now. She really isn't a kid that I think would respond to CIO, anyway.

I will draw the line if it starts to affect my marriage, though. Our relationship needs to be strong and well taken care of. Kids need happy, in love parents. For example, I told my husband that if co-sleeping ever resulted in him moving to the couch or something, it was time to end it.  I regularly check in with him and see how he feels about how we are doing things.  DH has a hard time with DD's crying, but I know the few times I have gotten overwhelmed and stopped trying to calm DD when she was really really crying, DH has stepped in and calmed her. He doesn't want her crying alone, either. I try to model a positive attitude when it comes to how "spirited" DD is, and I think it is helping how DH views her, too.

So... as long as it is working for us and we are happy and not resenting how things are going, we will continue as we have been.

[Bellabaz]

Originally Posted by Cyllya 

Just wait another ten years, then they'll be urging you to take actions to reduce her level of independence! 

LOL. Good point.

I agree that it is hard and intense when everyone close to you seems to disagree. But try to let it roll off. Its okay to disagree as long as everyone disagrees respectfully. Just repeat that you are glad they were happy with their method but your way works great for your family.

And i agree with pp. Somethings that are best for your baby are also good for you and therefore "selfish" is you look at it from that point of view.  I co-slept because it was easier for me. It happened to also be great for my kids. After awhile though it started being less good for me and dh so it was time to gently transitions the babe to their own space.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

For example, I told my husband that if co-sleeping ever resulted in him moving to the couch or something, it was time to end it. 
 

I had to chuckle when I read this. It makes me realize how much dh's and my marriage has changed over time -- though dh has hardly ever slept on the couch. Currently, he sometimes sleeps in our 10yo's bed so that she can sleep in our king-sized bed with me and her little sister whenever she feels the need. She generally likes sleeping on her own now, but occasionally wants to sleep with us.

Up until about a year ago, we had the twin bed pushed next to our king-sized bed so we could all sleep comfortably together. It was great, but when dd1 started wanting to sleep independently, we knew it was time to move the twin into her room (we couldn't afford to buy another bed right then). Sometimes I think maybe we should buy another twin to keep in our room so dh wouldn't ever have to move out, but of course we'd need to get rid of the dresser that we now have in our room.

I'm not sure which selfish need is more important -- keeping dh in our room all the time or having more room to store our clothes. :) Dh honestly doesn't mind going to the other room, and sometimes he actually sleeps better in there.
 

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

Maybe instead of perceiving the word "selfish" as a negative thing, you can twist it into a positive response.  Something like:  "Yeah, I guess you could say I'm selfish...I do have my family's best interest in mind...so ultimately there is something inherently selfish in that." 

I'm totally with you on this! Why shouldn't we do what works best for everyone?! I think misogyny is a big part of the problem here. Women, and especially mothers, are not seen as "real women" if they care about their own needs. I love cosleeping and it really frees us from the traditional "bedtime battle." And keeping my little ones with me all the time, with constant access to the breast, was tremendously easier than having to learn how to pump or trying to keep up my supply while supplementing with formula.

I've heard that the hardest thing is trying to combine at-the-breast feeding with pumping or formula feeding -- that it's easier to either do it all at the breast or totally formula feed. Now that it's become necessary for me to work part time, I have gone ahead and made the "selfish" decision not to try for any more babies.

That's right -- because I'm selfish. There's a certain way that I like to do parenting for the first few years of life. I like to give my children constant access to the breast and skin-to-skin contact whenever they want it. I don't ever want to go to work with a child crying for me.

It works really well for me, working part time from home with two girls about to turn 6 and 11. It would not work really well for me to do this with a baby or small child.

Of course, if I had another baby right now at age 46, people would doubtless be calling me selfish for doing that. :) We women can't win for losing.
 

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Honestly, you just need to find a way to filter it all out. Everyone is going to criticize your parenting choices, but as long as you are doing what you feel is best for your child, you need to just ignore them. I also don't understand how it's selfish to parent this way, except that I think maybe some people have different priorities for their children. I read in Our Babies, Ourselves, that most Americans 'dream' for their kid is for them to become independent etc. (I don't remember the exact wording) which I have to admit really does not align with my 'dreams' for my own DS. I guess if you are looking at it from that standpoint -- of making your kids independent being the most important thing of parenting -- then it would seem selfish to cosleep etc., no matter what the studies say -- it just sounds counterintuitive to them.

Yep, you need to learn the "Pass the bean dip" or "How 'bout them Packers?" line. "Do you have mental health coverage? I'm worried because you've changed so much since you gave birth." "Oh, you think so, interesting. So, did you watch the Superbowl? How about those Packers?" Repeat ad nauseum. If they can't get a response, eventually they'll give up. OK, it may take 3 years, but they will.
 

 "A gentle answer turns away wrath".

Yes. The less you engage and the more gentle you are, the less they'll be able to get under your skin. It sounds to me, reading between the lines, that you're justifying what you're doing. Stop. You know that you're doing the best for your child. Be confident in that knowledge and enjoy your daughter.

It's only selfish if your parenting choices don't fit well with the child. Ds was the "anti-AP" baby. He hated to be worn. He wasn't all that thrilled about breastfeeding (we did nurse for 16 months, but he weaned when I night weaned him then). At 4 months, he'd SCREAM when he tried to nurse to sleep. He'd suckle happily when he was tired, but as soon as my milk let down, he'd scream. He did not want to have to deal with the milk. So, this child ended up in his own crib, with a pacifier. Not because that was my ideal of how to parent, but because that met his needs. I know now that he had some pretty major sensory issues, but we were respectful of those. Even now, 9 years later, his idea of cuddling is lying about 2 feet away from me on the bed! He's a loving, attached child. But he's not very touchy-feely. (And then we had #2, who still sleeps best plastered to my side, and who nursed until 4 (and probably would have nursed later, but I'd had it.))

So, be calm, confident and happy. Smile sweetly and say "Pass the bean dip" when they raise issues with you.

[asraidevin]

This made me laugh because my DH has trained himself to only fall asleep watching a movie and sleeps on our sofa by his choice. I bitched about it 7 years ago, now I'm happy to  have my queen sized bed.

Oddly enough, my dad also sleeps on the sofa at least half the time. My step-mom loves having a big bed to herself. haha.

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

For example, I told my husband that if co-sleeping ever resulted in him moving to the couch or something, it was time to end it. 
 

Quote:

I had to chuckle when I read this. It makes me realize how much dh's and my marriage has changed over time -- though dh has hardly ever slept on the couch. Currently, he sometimes sleeps in our 10yo's bed so that she can sleep in our king-sized bed with me and her little sister whenever she feels the need. She generally likes sleeping on her own now, but occasionally wants to sleep with us.

[Calliope84]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Quote:

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Honestly, you just need to find a way to filter it all out. Everyone is going to criticize your parenting choices, but as long as you are doing what you feel is best for your child, you need to just ignore them. I also don't understand how it's selfish to parent this way, except that I think maybe some people have different priorities for their children. I read in Our Babies, Ourselves, that most Americans 'dream' for their kid is for them to become independent etc. (I don't remember the exact wording) which I have to admit really does not align with my 'dreams' for my own DS. I guess if you are looking at it from that standpoint -- of making your kids independent being the most important thing of parenting -- then it would seem selfish to cosleep etc., no matter what the studies say -- it just sounds counterintuitive to them.

Yep, you need to learn the "Pass the bean dip" or "How 'bout them Packers?" line. "Do you have mental health coverage? I'm worried because you've changed so much since you gave birth." "Oh, you think so, interesting. So, did you watch the Superbowl? How about those Packers?" Repeat ad nauseum. If they can't get a response, eventually they'll give up. OK, it may take 3 years, but they will.
 

 "A gentle answer turns away wrath".

Yes. The less you engage and the more gentle you are, the less they'll be able to get under your skin. It sounds to me, reading between the lines, that you're justifying what you're doing. Stop. You know that you're doing the best for your child. Be confident in that knowledge and enjoy your daughter.

It's only selfish if your parenting choices don't fit well with the child. Ds was the "anti-AP" baby. He hated to be worn. He wasn't all that thrilled about breastfeeding (we did nurse for 16 months, but he weaned when I night weaned him then). At 4 months, he'd SCREAM when he tried to nurse to sleep. He'd suckle happily when he was tired, but as soon as my milk let down, he'd scream. He did not want to have to deal with the milk. So, this child ended up in his own crib, with a pacifier. Not because that was my ideal of how to parent, but because that met his needs. I know now that he had some pretty major sensory issues, but we were respectful of those. Even now, 9 years later, his idea of cuddling is lying about 2 feet away from me on the bed! He's a loving, attached child. But he's not very touchy-feely. (And then we had #2, who still sleeps best plastered to my side, and who nursed until 4 (and probably would have nursed later, but I'd had it.))

So, be calm, confident and happy. Smile sweetly and say "Pass the bean dip" when they raise issues with you.

Well, ignoring my mom doesn't seem to work. There is never an end to it because my mom thinks she has a right to say the nastiest stuff to other people.

You are right. I am justifying it and I am completely wasting my breath. I get so excited when I do research about things and I want to share my knowledge when it comes up. I will just keep it to my blog so someone searching for info can find what I've learned.

I am glad you found what worked for you and your kids. I hope I can parent each child the way they need to be parented, too. One thing we want to do is homeschool, but I have to make sure it is the right thing for each child. If we have a really extroverted kid who loves school, we might just have to send them even though I don't agree with how the schooling is done.

[mamazee]

Sometimes talking to people about these things gives people the impression that it is open for discussion.  I have a mom like that and I would recommend having one answer you give for everything, and not changing a single word, and just saying that and nothing else when she says something.  "I've already made up my mind and I won't discuss it."  Or whatever, the specifics of what you say aren't as important as saying the same thing consistently and not getting into discussions.  At some point she'll understand it isn't open for discussion.

[Calliope84]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

Sometimes talking to people about these things gives people the impression that it is open for discussion.  I have a mom like that and I would recommend having one answer you give for everything, and not changing a single word, and just saying that and nothing else when she says something.  "I've already made up my mind and I won't discuss it."  Or whatever, the specifics of what you say aren't as important as saying the same thing consistently and not getting into discussions.  At some point she'll understand it isn't open for discussion.

I am going to say that!  I hung up today on her when she was calling my sister names to me and then she called back to leave a message and said "I haven't even gotten to YOU yet" and one thing she told me was that I was skanky / trashy for breastfeeding in public (among other things.) I wrote her a very clear and assertive e-mail and told her I will breastfeed in public and that is the end of it. She backed off in her next e-mail and played nice. I am not putting up with her crap anymore. She is too toxic.