***Bitter Sushi Ladies February 2011 Thread*** - Page 3

[LessTraveledBy]

Welcome Hopefullymama!

I have done all the different phases by now, I think. I have tried avoidance, which, at least for me, does not work well due to the functions of the female body, as well as marital intimacy, which both remind me of the reality. What has worked for me is working through the different phases, as they come. I have grieved, I have thought I was going to go nuts, then that I would never be happy again, etc. After, depending on how one counts, about three years, I am finding quite a bit of peace. Last cycle was the first time in a long time that I did not cry when af arrived. Also, I find that being honest when people ask questions, is helpful. (I would probably not say much if I were you, because I bet you'd get a lot of "You haven't been trying all that long" and all the just relax stuff.) I will say, also, that it helps to talk with people with worse issues. (My cousin has been through so much in life that there is no way I could complain, comparing. Thinking of him makes me really count my blessings.)

I don't know if this sounds strange... The thing (in addition to faith) that has helped me, is trying to change the "story of my life." I have tried to look at what is, instead of what is not, and have developed new dreams. Now I no longer have the "this is not how it was supposed to go" trauma feeling. Rather, I now see secondary infertility as it is: Even if we have another child one day, it IS part of my history, the story of my life. Accepting that has really helped, although I am not able to explain it better. In my case it has also been really helpful to read about people who have adopted older kids later in life. It makes me feel less rushed and open to the idea that I truly cannot know what will feel right 10 years down the road.

But.... It is a bit different for everyone and, in your shoes, I would still just hope and think that it will happen. It is not unusual for things to take some time. It is a fragile, amazing process...

I made the mistake of browsing a certain special needs adoption listing website. The little guy I fell in love with around Christmas is still there. I basically went there to make sure he had been taken off. I was so sure, as she is so gorgeous and only some months old. No... Still there. I would so like to adopt him but it seems that he is in the one country that is totally impossible for us. It makes me so angry... He is living in an orphanage and not getting the operation he needs asap simply because of a rule of the country. This is even among the cheapest countries to adopt from but we would have to lie (many do). I simply will not lie, no matter what.

Our dd has developed such a love for all orphans. She keeps asking if we will adopt and tells me, with tears in her eyes, that she would love us to give a home to a child, whether sick or healthy. I think she would like us to adopt each and every one of them. How I love this little girl of mine. Sometimes I wonder if she knows the way for our family better than the adults do. We just need the money.... and I believe in miracles.

My intuition still tells me that there may never be another child growing with in.... and that we will never know why. I look forward to finding out whether I am wrong on one or both.

[rcr]

OK, so I was gone all weekend, so this is going to be a big multi-qoute (although I think MBA holds the title for the longest multi-qoutes ;)
 

Originally Posted by Jane 

Spotting - my personal definition of spotting vs. bleeding (used for my pregnant clients), is that spotting doesn't hit the underwear, it's just a toilet paper thing. 

That said, a few hours of spotting at ovulation is normal. 

Spotting on birth control = also normal. 

Having a few days of panty liner use or spotting at the end of a period = normal. 

Not normal is spotting for days before a period. It's a sign that the luteal cyst is just not supporting the endometrium (the uterine lining) well.  That may point to inadequate egg production or maturation, or an inadequate response to progesterone that is being produced.  When this is an issue, you've got several issues with conception.  If the egg isn't matured properly,  it won't pop out well, and may not be present for fertilization.  Also, it may not have the right coating on it to allow sperm to penetrate.  Potentially, it might not have the chromosomes it needs if it didn't divvy nice.  When it reaches the uterus, the uterus lining might be days behind where it is supposed to be, not making a thick fluffy lining.  Then, it may start to shed early, disrupting the embryo implanting. 

That said, most women with an issue have ONE of those problems, not all of them.  But, if egg quality is the issue, all the progesterone taken after Ovulation isn't going to help.  If the issue is just premature shed of the lining, then progesterone is the magic ticket to delay menstruation until implantation occurs. 

It's normal to have a funky cycle once in a while.  Or, to have more funky cycles as you get older. 

You can also just pop a capiliary in the cervix with sex or a bowel movement, and look like you're spotting from the uterus, when it's merely harmless cervical spotting. 

I do have a bias towards doing things to maintain general health, but also to just get off the porch and get the $40 worth of clomid or the $50 of Femara and quit with the acupuncture and the chi balancing, and the flower essences, etc.  Or get the metformin or the thyroid medication that's required and go from there.  Some of my bias is financial.  Some is personal - it has worked for me to take medications not herbs or vitamins.  Some is professional - as a midwife, I see what gets my clients pregnant.  It's not acupuncture.  It's clomid.   If you want to hear bias, ask me about birth control!  I never see IUD failures, but everything else, I do not trust!  I can't be unbiased, so the best I can do is present my biases for review. 

Jane, you rock. xoxox

Originally Posted by Jane 

OH, PS, Can I be moved to BFPs?  Due 10-3. 

Certainly! Last time I was thread-czar I got to move Tear. I will happily move you after I post this!

Originally Posted by kparker 

Yeah they had me trigger at night at home so that I could come in this morning 36 hrs later.  I guess it makes sense but it was so traumatic for me.  Ugh!  That being said, the IUI was weird.  I had cramping like AF style for a while, then off and on all day.  I got to watch them inject the sperm via ultrasound too, it was neato.  My first official REAL 2ww! :D  I'm already using cheapo hpts to watch the trigger shot fade from my system in hopes I will see a real bfp later before my blood test in 2 weeks.  Who knows!

Good luck on your 2ww! And congrats on the trigger.

Originally Posted by miriam_bat_avraham 

Posting from the waiting room at my RE. I don't have anything to contribute to the conversation, just hey, I'm here right now! Lol. Waiting on an ultrasound and hoping for two follies again! On Thursday I had one 13mm and one 11.5mm.

I must be weird because I actually like doing the shots! They don't hurt me, and I like anything active I can do myself as part of this process... SO much happens on the inside that we can't see or control, and so much is done TO me by friendly strangers, that it feels like this is something with clear, measurable results that I can do myself.
 

I know what you mean. I actually like doing things that I think are useful. After many months of just doing nothing but BDing, and the usual stuff like temping, doing the shots makes me feel like I am doing something that may actually get me preggo (since obviously BDing alone won't work). At the same time I hate it. I don't like the thought of medicine, I don't know exactly what I am putting in my body, and I don't really understand how it works. That wierds me out, so I have a love-hate relationship with the shots, I guess.

Do you still have twins?

Originally Posted by HopefullyMama 

Hi all!  I was wondering if I could join you in here?  After stalking for a month or two, I think it might be official:  I'm getting pretty bitter.  

Anyway here's my story.  DBF and I have been trying for a while, 10 months of no protection, 9 of those were definitely sex-during-fertile-period cycles, and 7 of which were making sure we dtd ALOT during fertile cycles with charting.  My best friend started trying, casually, about 2 weeks after we started "really trying"....she's headed into her third trimester now.  My BF's cousin just had her baby last night, and his NEPHEW just had TWINS (unplanned and unwanted) 4 months ago.  I can't shake the pregnant people wherever I go! 

I feel so very, very down about it all.  I love babies, and I was always the happiest person in the room whenever someone announced a pregnancy.  I was the one talking about how blessed they were, offering to babysit (and meaning it), etc.  About 4 months in, I would still get happy when someone new announced the big news, but would also feel that sharp little pain in the side of my chest, like a jealousy pen-knife sticking between your ribs.  Now, I just find myself weeping and feeling angry.  I've had to delete people on facebook (like the neighbor who is almost due with her second, when she never even wanted a first) and avoid people at family events.  I just feel.....awful.  And very alone.

How do you ladies do this for so long??

Do you find that you can push aside all the negativity?  Or do you allow the thoughts but distance yourself, like in yoga when they teach you to "witness" your emotions just don't become involved with them?  Or do you embrace them, live in that moment as long as you need to, and hope that it gives way to something better?  

I feel like I need some guidance or at least some commiseration.  I'm not a negative person by nature, but I am pretty intense in my emotions.  I guess this just goes along with that part of my personality.   

Thanks for letting me vent.  I really look forward to getting you know you ladies a little.

Welcome. Do you want me to add you to the front page (what do you want me to write)?

I am not sure how I have done this for so long, and we are about at the 3-year mark now. I guess I have gotten through it by feeling hopeful with every change in fertility treatments (or "boosters"). When it was clear that there was a problem, we had a SA done, and the doc recommended supplements, that made me feel hopeful. Then we headed toward IUI, and I felt hopeful, and the femera gave me more hope. Now that we are doing IVF, I am feeling a lot more optimistic. I really have not had a major feeling that this will never happen, because we have been literally doing everything that we can. I suppose if IVF doesn't work, I will have that bif let-down, since that is pretty much the last resort.

AFM - I had my U/S and bloodwork today. I have 6 follies, plus a few that are too tiny at this point to use for IVF. A bit dissapponted because I see people on the IVF thread having closer to 10, or even many more. I wonder why I have so few.

[collieflower]

Hi RCR! I was just looking back through the intuitive questions and saw yours. It looks like this may be YOUR MONTH! Let's hope Jamie was right and that the threadkeeper's luck comes through for you.  I'm really excited for you. BTW: can you talk to your boss and tell him that it's totally inappropriate to yell at you like that? I mean, WTH??? Nobody should have to put up with that type of treatment from a co-worker, no matter what their rank!

[rcr]

Originally Posted by collieflower 

Hi RCR! I was just looking back through the intuitive questions and saw yours. It looks like this may be YOUR MONTH! Let's hope Jamie was right and that the threadkeeper's luck comes through for you.  I'm really excited for you. BTW: can you talk to your boss and tell him that it's totally inappropriate to yell at you like that? I mean, WTH??? Nobody should have to put up with that type of treatment from a co-worker, no matter what their rank!

Yea, I know. I am trying to not get too excited, but it is hard. I totally sound like somebody from the One Thread, expecting to be pregnant any day now. ugh. I am really getting ahead of myself. Next thing I will be posting belly pics during the TWW or posting a faint line on FB.

I just got out of a meeting with the boss. We are hiring somebody, and I am on the hiring committee. We currently have 32 white middle aged men here, and three women. Guess which candidates ranked high on his list? All the white men! Despite the fact that there was an awesome-ly qualified Muslim woman, a really interesting black man, and a couple of white women. Arrrgh. I wanted to scream.  

[miriam_bat_avraham]

Welcome to Hopefully and Smiles (who I don't think I ever formally said hello to )!

 

 

Originally Posted by rcr 

OK, so I was gone all weekend, so this is going to be a big multi-quote (although I think MBA holds the title for the longest multi-quotes ;)

 

I resisted the urge to quote your whole post here and then respond to it, thus reconfirming my title 

 

Oh! And I never updated after my appointment. No more twins-- the 13mm follie went up to 20mm, but the 11.5mm one only went up to 12. Oh well, that's okay. I'll happily take one  My IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning, and since DH wanted to come along, we'll probably take one car instead of two, so I'll be there for a while as he does his thing an hour before I do mine. I'll bring a book. Or maybe I'll browse MDC from my phone!

[lavatea]

Thoughts and/or prayers appreciated. Got a super faint BFP this morning. Hoping it's not a repeat of November's weird so-faint-maybe-they-weren't-real BFPs. Probably not testing again for a few days just to be safe.

[rcr]

Originally Posted by lavatea 

Thoughts and/or prayers appreciated. Got a super faint BFP this morning. Hoping it's not a repeat of November's weird so-faint-maybe-they-weren't-real BFPs. Probably not testing again for a few days just to be safe.

Thinking of you Lavatea.

[LessTraveledBy]

Prayers going up for you, Lavatea!!

[Smilesarefree]

MBA - thanks and good luck tomorrow.

Lavatea - sending my prayers.

[miriam_bat_avraham]

Lava! I'm keeping everything crossed for you!

[Kinza]

Lavatea! 

[collieflower]

Lava - That's wonderful! Here's hoping it's for real this time.  Thinking of you and understanding how a BFP can be viewed with a bit of trepidation.

[monkeyscience]

Praying for you, Lavatea!

[lilmom]

Lavatea! Prayers are going up!!

HopefullyMama Welcome! For me, I've gone through ups and downs..it's been about 19-20 months now..but I really truly do still have hope. I got really down a few months ago. But I've recently had a resurgence of hope. I think it can happen, and I think my negative emotions may have been blocking it, if that makes sense. Also not ovulating much makes it hard!!! But, I am holding out hope for everybody here. I just couldn't stay on the boards where everybody was announcing a bfp every day..it was too much, and I obviously didn't fit in there. Anyway, I hope your stay is short.

[lavatea]

Thanks for all of the well wishes, ladies.

Originally Posted by collieflower 

Lava - That's wonderful! Here's hoping it's for real this time.  Thinking of you and understanding how a BFP can be viewed with a bit of trepidation.

Exactly this. I'm having a very hard time imagining a baby at the end of this. All day yesterday my main thought was when will I start bleeding? Sucky place to be.

ETA - My temp was still up this morning. So that's a good sign, although it's still early.

[Kyamo]

for Lavatea, that it is a real BFP and that it sticks!

Good luck tomorrow, miriam.

AFM - no news, 6DPO and waiting.

[GMum]

Hello everyone,

May I re-join? I thought DH and I had moved on to adoption from multiple m/c but after some heavy discussions and research he is not in favor of it for us. I've had 7 losses now, all the tests with no cause determined and 4 of those have been diagnosed as partial molar pregnancies. All I do know is the odds are now stacked heavily against us after all the molars  - to get this many I read is rare and the odds of now having a healthy baby rapidly decrease.

DH has said that he wants to stop trying at 40 ( we will be 39 this year).  I am pregnant again now but have all the usual signs that this pregnancy will not work out either. Today, I got the news that 1 SIL is about to give birth to her 4th child, another is due soon, and one is now pg with multiples for the second time. I broke down in tears yet again today - can;t go out of the house...

I try really hard not to be bitter but I am. I know we are blessed with DD and don;t get me wrong she is truly wonderful, but i just always envisioned more than one child and DD is desperate for a sibling " Mummy, I want  a little sister".

I don't know where to go from here but I am so thankful for this forum and for your listening ear

GM

[rcr]

Lava: Did you test this morning? Sorry for asking, I know you are probably trying not to obsess. I am hoping with everything that I have that this is it for you.

Grahnola: Welcome back. Do you want me to add you to the first page?

AFM - another U/S today. Not much is new.

[GMum]

Yes please rcr, thanks.

[rcr]

Originally Posted by Grahnola Mum 

Yes please rcr, thanks.

What do you want it to say?