I have done all the different phases by now, I think. I have tried avoidance, which, at least for me, does not work well due to the functions of the female body, as well as marital intimacy, which both remind me of the reality. What has worked for me is working through the different phases, as they come. I have grieved, I have thought I was going to go nuts, then that I would never be happy again, etc. After, depending on how one counts, about three years, I am finding quite a bit of peace. Last cycle was the first time in a long time that I did not cry when af arrived. Also, I find that being honest when people ask questions, is helpful. (I would probably not say much if I were you, because I bet you'd get a lot of "You haven't been trying all that long" and all the just relax stuff.) I will say, also, that it helps to talk with people with worse issues. (My cousin has been through so much in life that there is no way I could complain, comparing. Thinking of him makes me really count my blessings.)
I don't know if this sounds strange... The thing (in addition to faith) that has helped me, is trying to change the "story of my life." I have tried to look at what is, instead of what is not, and have developed new dreams. Now I no longer have the "this is not how it was supposed to go" trauma feeling. Rather, I now see secondary infertility as it is: Even if we have another child one day, it IS part of my history, the story of my life. Accepting that has really helped, although I am not able to explain it better. In my case it has also been really helpful to read about people who have adopted older kids later in life. It makes me feel less rushed and open to the idea that I truly cannot know what will feel right 10 years down the road.
But.... It is a bit different for everyone and, in your shoes, I would still just hope and think that it will happen. It is not unusual for things to take some time. It is a fragile, amazing process...
I made the mistake of browsing a certain special needs adoption listing website. The little guy I fell in love with around Christmas is still there. I basically went there to make sure he had been taken off. I was so sure, as she is so gorgeous and only some months old. No... Still there. I would so like to adopt him but it seems that he is in the one country that is totally impossible for us. It makes me so angry... He is living in an orphanage and not getting the operation he needs asap simply because of a rule of the country. This is even among the cheapest countries to adopt from but we would have to lie (many do). I simply will not lie, no matter what.
Our dd has developed such a love for all orphans. She keeps asking if we will adopt and tells me, with tears in her eyes, that she would love us to give a home to a child, whether sick or healthy. I think she would like us to adopt each and every one of them. How I love this little girl of mine. Sometimes I wonder if she knows the way for our family better than the adults do. We just need the money.... and I believe in miracles.
My intuition still tells me that there may never be another child growing with in.... and that we will never know why. I look forward to finding out whether I am wrong on one or both.