Asking for food, then not eating it...

[swd12422]

Mods, I'm not sure if this goes in Childhood Years or GD, or here, b/c it may or may not be solely an age-related phase (although I suspect that's part of it) and whether it's a discipline issue probably depends on the person and on the age of the kid....

DS is 3, and while he eats lots of different foods, he's never been a really great eater. He snacks a lot, which I suspect is part of why he doesn't eat big meals. And that's okay with me, b/c his snacks are always fruits and veggies, so it's not like I'm going to get upset that he filled up on raw veggies and now won't eat his pizza!

I have started limiting the size and timing of his snacks a bit to see if it helps, but today he just wouldn't eat. This morning, he came into our room and asked for breakfast. DH was slow to get up, and they didn't eat for easily a half hour after that, so if DS was hungry, he really should have been ready to eat by then. He asked DH for eggs and toast, so DH made it for him. He ate half an egg, and a slice of toast. When I came in, DH was yelling at him to eat, then gave up. (We've talked about not making a big deal out of his eating/not eating, but DH gets frustrated easily, and it's annoying to prepare food that gets ignored.) As soon as we got into the car to go to school (1 hour later) he was begging for a snack. I gave him some dried fruit. He had snack at school (IDK what or how much) and then picked him up from school at lunchtime. He asked for snacks in the car on the way home, and I gave him a little more fruit, but not much. He kept asking for more, but I told him it was lunchtime. He asked for his favorite lunch (veggie dumplings), and I offered him some chicken. He said no. I suggested some chicken with the lunch (since I wanted to get some protein in him), and he said okay. He ate the chicken, didn't touch the dumplings. Again, if he only wanted chicken, fine. But he asked for dumplings, and I made them, and now they're going to waste. I told him he couldn't have anything else til the dumplings were gone, including cookies I was in the middle of baking. I felt so mean, but really, it's just getting old and I'm starting to feel resentful that he is wasting my time by asking me to make food he's not going to eat.

I know he's too young to understand our frustration and the time-waste/food waste issues, but that doesn't help us combat it. So I'm not necessarily wanting to discipline or punish him for this habit, but I guess I'm looking to help him identify what he really wants, instead of just saying the same thing every day, and not really wanting it. If I don't ask him what he wants, sometimes he'll eat what I give him and sometimes not. Should I just stop giving him a choice altogether?

[crunchy_mommy]

I would stop offering him choices for a while & see if that helps things. My DS is only 2 but we have similar issues when we offer him a choice. So we only give choices in certain circumstances. As far as food, I usually make what I want (or DH makes what he wants) -- keeping in mind DS's tastes, of course! -- and then we just give him some of ours, small amounts until he asks for more, so there is really very little waste & whatever none of us eats gets put in a container for later. We almost never make him his own meal because he wouldn't eat it if we did, but if he asks for something particular (like mushrooms, he is addicted to mushrooms!) we'll add it to the meal we're making.

[la mamita]

I would save the food that he eats a part of and then discards and then when he next asks for a snack, say "oh, you still have your egg to finish" instead of offering other choices. I think that by always offering a "new" snack instead of using leftovers, you're not really getting the point across that food is not to be wasted. 3 is old enough to start talking about how food is important and we don't throw it away or compost it unless it's gone rotten and we need to eat lots of different kinds of food because each part of our body needs different things (my kid knows that some food is for energy, some is for muscles, some gives vitamins that help you think or see, etc). Plus, maybe try giving more nutrient dense snacks--lots of fruits and veggies are great, but kids need protein and fat too and that'll keep their stomach fuller for longer, so you aren't doing a snack every half hour.

[rubidoux]

I think it's okay not to cook for them.  I try to always have several *easy* options that they like and then when I cook for myself, of course, I try to include stuff they like and offer it to them.  My kids are snackers and grazers, too, and usually if I've got carrots, red peppers, tortilla chips, hummus, cheese, olives (my kids could eat good olive bar type olives all day long, lol), yogurt, fruit, bagels...  there's something in there they'll eat.  With both of them, though, I give tiny portions, except when it's olives.  But it's easy for me to repeatedly fill a little bowl for them and I don't have to worry about waste.  Truthfully, though, I really don't worry about waste at all unless it's an expensive item or something I love and am running out of.  I feel like having them eat it if they're not hungry and/or not wanting it is just as wasteful as throwing it away and I don't want them to get in the habit of cleaning their plates for the sake of having clean plates, iykwim.  I'd much rather see them listening to what their body is needing.  And maybe it takes a while for them to figure out how to interpret that and in the meantime, I'll be filling little bowls every few minutes, or so it seems.  But cook for them?  lol  Not very often, probably almost never.

[tracymom1]

My 3yo DS does this daily and it infuriates me to no end!!! Yesterday was the first day that I refused to give him a snack after his nap and guess what? He ate his entire dinner (small piece of chicken, cucumber and pepper salad, and piece of bread). Instead of dwelling on the snack thing, I engaged him in an activity that I knew he would enjoy (playing with our version of "playdough") and he forgot about wanting a snack altogether.

Who knows if this will happen again today! But mama, I totally understand your frustration. I speak with DS all the time about waste and only asking for food he will actually eat - I know he kind of gets it, but he's only 3 and I know that his brain can only process so much at once. I keep his portions very small and only offer a choice at lunchtime. Breakfast and dinner are decided by mom!

Hopefully this really is just a phase!

[waiting2bemommy]

ds does this. tonight we had those amy's frozen dinners....palak paneer which is spinach, so I guess its not a kid kind of food, but ds eats everything and so does dd. He wanted ice cream if he finished his dinner, but hejust picked at it for the better part of two hours. Finally he said he had finished it but when I went to the table to look he had hidden the plate under his chair! lol So I told him no ice cream, but then he begged for tomatoes and plums and i gave in. I guess I should have said no but really what kind of mom tells their kid "no fruits and veggies until you finish your frozen processed microwave meal." LOL

[swd12422]

I have had the very same experience! No, DS, you cannot have any more veggies or you'll be too full to eat dinner... I don't do that, I just try to be aware of how much he has snacked and give him smaller amounts of food at the meal. And I guess in a way I do "cook for him" but breakfast is a free-for-all, and DH takes care of himself and DS, so there's a choice there of toast or cereal and we don't care which he chooses. Same with lunch, it's just DS and me, and it's usually leftovers but now and then he likes some frozen foods and I don't mind making it for him. Assuming he'll eat it! I will try to remember to cut out the choices for awhile and see if that helps. As it was, today we were out with friends and he didn't have a choice, and STILL didn't eat! But at least I was smart enough not to order him his own meal, so nothing went to waste.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by swd12422 
He ate half an egg, and a slice of toast. When I came in, DH was yelling at him to eat, then gave up.
 

So your DS did eat. A child should decide how much of something they eat or they could get in the habit of overeating. If people are yelling at him about food he is going to have food issues. If my 5 year DD only eats half of an egg, her having a healthy body and a healthy attitude about food is more important to me than wasting half an egg. Most things can be used as left overs. Eggs can't, but I would think dumplings could.  Instead of trying to coerce your DS into to eating stuff, fix smaller potions and put the leftovers in the refrigerator. Trying to exert control over what a person is eating causes food issues, sometimes lifelong ones. I would never deny a snack because people should eat small quantities 5 or 6 times a day and eating just 3 larger meals is less healthy.

[swd12422]

You're right, he did eat, that morning. And I have been trying to convince DH that 1) that counts as eating and he SHOULD choose how much he eats himself and 2) we shouldn't yell or coerce at mealtime. DH gets stressed out b/c he feels time pressure to get to work, and even though I can take over breakfast when I get home from walking the dog, he feels his own pressure to not have to pass it on to me, as if he's failed or something. Yes, I realize this is the adults making ridiculous things up and taking them out on DS.... I am working on that. But the frustration is that there are so many days when DS eats a ton, all by himself, and then expectations are set higher. I don't care about half an egg. But it's annoying to have him say, "no toast, just eggs" and then only eat the toast.

[ssh]

Your DS will get better with being able to predict what he wants to eat with age. It's really normal for little kids to have days when they are hungrier than others. That's why it's really important to let them self regulate so they don't get in the habit of overeating to please some adult.

[Tigerchild]

For between meal snacks, I don't offer choices and I keep portion sizes appropriate.

Meals there is a variety of different things available, and everyone may take a half portion of whatever they want (and they don't HAVE to take any if they don't want to).  Half/small portions worked best for us because it eliminated some of my stress over food waste.  I also had the kids serving themselves (taught them how much they could serve at one time, with the understanding that they were WELCOME to get more once they'd finished their serving) as soon as they had the motor skills to do so (2-3).

As I see it, if you really didn't want the dumplings to go to waste, that's what should have been for lunch.  You pushed the chicken on him, he did comply with what you wanted instead of his initial request, maybe he got full and didn't have room.  I think if you really want him to have something specific, instead of setting him up to fail, it's better to just offer that if you are determined that he have whatever that is.

I do get being frustrated at specially preparing something that then goes to waste, but to be honest, I think you kind of set up that one--especially since he DID eat to please you first, instead of eating what he'd asked for first.  I don't think it's fair to penalize him for that.  Though certainly, if you'd prepared the dumpling lunch only, he refused to eat it and demanded a cookie or something else, i personally probably would have shrugged and said, "Here is lunch, it's okay if you're not hungry for it.  I'll clear it away at (time).  You can have (snack) at (later time), if you'd rather play or do something else right now."

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by swd12422 

 I don't care about half an egg. But it's annoying to have him say, "no toast, just eggs" and then only eat the toast.

But why did you make toast, if he specifically said no toast?  Maybe that is part of the problem.