Lame mama? wild child? high needs?

[kfillmore]

I have been trying to write this thread for months. I will try to make sense.

I seem to have such a harder time than other moms. I am so tired and so frustrated. I loose my temper (at least in my head), almost daily. I think my stress level has been in the danger zone for... a year. I really don't know if it is me or DD or momhood etc.

DD is now 23 months and I know some of this is her being a toddler but honestly it has been really difficult since she was walking (at 7 months!)

DD is very social and wants to talk to everyone. BUT she wants mommy all the time. My DH has a hard time carryng her if I am around or even watching her if I am home."Mommy, mommy" She gets so upset.

When I am home  she either wants mommy ( to hold her or to help her do something)  OR she is getting into trouble (standing on a table, sitting on a puppy, taking raw eggs out of the fridge. She is VERY active and doesn't stop, even sleep is difficult (takes a LONG time to get to sleep and wakes up a lot). She plays a tiny bit by herself. She won't really watch a DVD for long and if she does it is standing up and doing something else too.

I feel like I spend all the time at home picking up, wiping up. I don't want her to live in chaos. Or I spend the time running after her to keep her out of trouble. If I am trying to do anything else it can take hours or just doesn't get done because I have to keep stopping and starting and stopping and starting. This means I have a REALLY hard time cooking or preparing food or cleaning. Some days I feel like we barely eat and the house is gross. When we try to leave the house it can take two hours! She is like a bag filled with water-you squeeze one way and the bag slips through the other. She wants to play, nurse, go outside, read. Some of this i think is toddler but it is sooo hard combined with the inability to DO anything in one continuous period of time (like prepare our snack and to-go bag).

I think THIS is me-I feel exhausted by all the tiny things I have to do back to back ( clean a potty, give water, wipe the floor, put away a toy, let the dogs out, stop her form doing this or that, prepare the bag, attemp to pay a bill or make a call etc)

Ugh, this post sounds like complaining but I am not, I am more, I don't know, confused or something. How on earth to those calm graceful mamas do it?

I hope this post is understandable and that some of you mama have comfort or advice etc.

Thanks

[Maluhia]

Hug

Those calm graceful Mamas are the ones who’ve made it out of the house and by sheer luck have babies that they mesh with.  Your daughter sounds very smart and delightful for those of us who would have smaller time period interactions but being 100% Mom to someone that energetic and intense is HARD.  I have a close friend with a daughter like this and her life got MUCH better at four (her daughter also turned out to be lactose intolerant and taking that out improved her mood – no sore tummy meant better overall focus and mood).  I don’t think anything you are saying implies your daughter is sick in any way (just to make sure I don’t come off saying that).  What I’m saying is that being the full-time parent is HARD HARD HARD and a kid who does not want Daddy is a big part of that.  Is there some way you could get one evening off for a few hours to go have coffee at a bookstore alone while your DH handles the kidlet?  Often they will accept Daddy ONLY if you are gone – even a few hours of alone time before you come home for bedtime might give you just the mental/emotional break you need and deserve!

[Natalie12]

You are not alone. At that age, I wasn't one of those calm moms either. I have two children, my first has fairly typical kid energy and my second has off the charts energy. 

Now, at almost 5, most of the time she's a delightful little person to be around. At that age it was tough, and I had to just accept that it was a phase in my life where not much outside of childcare was going to get done.

I was never one to be able to say "I'll just let the house go." The choas influenced my mood. I would send my dh out with the kids and then I'd have two hours to tackle a project at home. He used to take the kids out every Saturday morning, and that was a real sanity saver for me. Because of preschool and school I don't need it anymore.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. You're doing a great job!

[crunchy_mommy]

I feel the much the same way, I often feel like I just wasn't cut out to be a parent after all.

One thing that helps a ton is DH has taken over a lot of the household duties. Since DS often just wants me, it is too hard for me to do much of anything, so DH does it.

I think sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it too. Waking up every 30-90 minutes all night long (sometimes even more often!) seems to really negatively affect my mood, energy, stress level, etc., but not in a way that I notice day to day -- every once in a while, DS will sleep 4-5 hours straight or something, and I'll feel so much calmer & more tolerant after getting a few hours straight of sleep.

Also, sometimes I just leave the house, leave DS with DH, just to get a break from the constant nursing & neediness. It's hard for me to cope with the clinginess (I have a history of abuse & it's actually really triggering for me, but even without my past, I'd imagine it would be, at the very least, annoying & frustrating!) I'm working on getting DH to take DS out so I can have time in the house alone but that seems to be tougher or less appealing to DH or something, he's not often willing to do it for some reason.

I also ask for DS's help doing things (makes the tasks take longer but they are more likely to get done than if he's doing something else & I'm chasing after him). I've also found (despite what I expected!) that he can be really understanding if I tell him the truth -- i.e. "Mommy's back hurts, I can't carry you anymore right now," or whatever. I'm not sure what 'preparing a snack bag' entails for you, but usually I keep our bags mostly packed. If I come home from an outing, DS is often happy to be home & will go play with his toys for a minute or two, so I take that time to replenish the bag with diapers, non-perishable snacks, fresh water, etc. Then when we leave, all I need to do is grab a piece of fruit (clementines work great since they are in perfectly sized pieces once you peel them!) and maybe a small container of leftovers & toss them in the bag. If you need to do something more involved, maybe when your DH is home you could prepare a few sets of snacks in the fridge & stack them up so they're ready to grab & go. I also find many people bring way more things then they need to on an outing. All we bring is diapers/wipes, drink, snacks (and that's only if we're going out for more than an hour or so, otherwise we really don't bring anything!). You can keep a change of clothes in the car if you tend to need it... I'm not sure what else you normally pack but take the time to evaluate it -- maybe you don't need to be as 'prepared' as you think & that could cut down on your 'getting out of the house' stress.

I think too that it's easy to feel other parents are so calm & put-together, when you're seeing them out & about. If you saw them trying to get out of the house in time, or coming home with a kid that just had a meltdown, or late at night when they are exhausted & their kid won't sleep -- then I'm sure they'd look just as frazzled as you & I feel... although I do have some friends that seem to have the most mellow kids. (One friend is able to do sewing projects and take long naps herself during the day -- and she has a newborn and a toddler!! I can't even imagine doing that, and I only have a toddler!! Her kids are just super easy babies, she has said so herself.)

[meemee]

oh girl - the calm mama. its just a look sometimes. right in the middle of my worst moment someone would tell me wow that i looked good and seemed to have it together. HAH!!!!!

you are describing my life. everything you write - even sleep issues sound just like my dd.

two things definitely helped me. 1. i was an older mom - 37 when i had my dd. i'd been waiting for her my whole life - so a part of me was the doing mom, but a part of me was just watching and enjoying too. 

2. that i was a single mom. ex and i seperated when dd was 18 months old .before that ex only came home to sleep and watch dd when i went to work (only coz we couldnt afford childcare). it was sooo helpful to not have to take care of someone else. emotionally i was so glad to be finally done with a relationship which not only was emotionless - but it made me feel even more alone. 

my house was trashed. totally trashed. but i had a lot on my plate. however where parenting was concerned i just had to deal with dd. i had to make sure i figured out how to give myself a break - esp. by 5 pm when i was done. but omg it was sooo good not to have to clean house for then dh or have dinner ready or put the child to bed so you could have some moments with your partner.

it was soo easy just having to worry about dd. and to live our lives according to our natural rhythms rather than societal pressure. so bedtime wasnt an issue if we went to bed at midnight. anytime earlier and it was. when i worked, i worked afternoon shift. so it worked out. 

while i never told my dd no, i was extremely strict about setting limits. it was all about safety issue. she could jump from the couch. she could jump on the bed. but i had to be there. if she wanted to jump to me, she had to make eye contact and i had to respond. 

the late walking, fighting over brushing teeth, etc were not the big issues. 

the big issues were making sure she had enough physical exercise so she could get the energy out of her system. this was a child who at 18 months walked 2 miles to the park, played hard for 4 hours (i'd take lunch with us and eat it at the park as she seemed to eat better there than at home) and then walked 2 miles back home. yes walked. not stroller. of course with many stops. many times we'd also go for a walk in teh evening. seh needed not just physical exercise but also social and intellectual interaction. 

looking back i also realise she had mild SPD.  some went away when she turned 5. but some of stayed - like her aversion to textures say in oatmeal, or tags and socks seams hurting her. because of her SPD i think physical touch was so important. for the first two years an inch between us was too much space. but at times she'd allow the whole room distance between us as long as i was her willing spectator. 

however i also realised for me - most of my 'troubles' were all in my head. i had created this image of how a child was to be and my dd broke every one of those. i had to go inside and find ways to deal with my frustration. one thing that helped was constantly putting 3 pictures of my dd on the fridge to show how fast she was growing up. let me tell you seeing those newborn pictures even at 3 months what a huge change so super fast. when i was ready to tear out my hair i would go and look at those pictures and my heart would definitely melt and all my frustrations would fall away. 

i'd do other things. go into the bathroom and scream into the pillow.

everyday morning maybe even evening we went out. just not for dd but for me too for some adult interaction. just being out helped me soooo much. 

i made sure i had me time. no matter what. that meant at the cost of sleep i'd be watching netflix at night with no sound but with subtitles on with dd asleep on my chest. 

however i also forced myself to not clean house but to take those moments when dd was playing on her own to just sit and really watch her without taking part and just enjoy her. i realised at that point that i was sooo doing, i wasnt really watching and enjoying my child. so while she went thru her basket of toys picking each piece up and feeling it with her hands and mouth (she still is v. oral) i'd just sit and watch all teh expressions flitting on her face. if one could fall in love deeper then i did at that moment. 

dd is 8 and intense and still different. she is never predictable and life is an adventure with her around. 

even through all my chaos i foudn calmness in the center. because i just sat and enjoyed my dd. and while i went thru periods of working and not working, i never missed a moment of my child. now we both lead our own lives and connect at bedtime to share what's been going on (she has a huge social calendar) so i treasure the moments we had before. i can even laugh at the picture of her laying on the street or on the floor of the grocery store having a massive tantrum. no it wasnt funny then, but now awww seh was such an itty bitty baby. 

let me tell ya mama life was definitely not boring with dd around.