fostering transition to adoption!

[alwayslearning66]

We heard from the judge- TPR! One parent's rights are now terminated and the other will be a shoe in once he's found. Now, how to move on for dfs, now age 4. Quick reminder, he had no obvious attachment to birth mom, having spent no more than 18 months with her in his first 3.5 years. She's incarcerated, impulsive, and has proven time and again, untrustworthy. This is the second time dfs has been in the foster care system. We were about to launch into phone calls with her when the decision came through. Now, what sort of connection do we maintain?

Dfs now has some interest in her since she has sent many pictures she's traced (along with many things that were inappropriate for a child). Our caseworker suggests that birth mom write a "good bye letter", especially since dfs did once say that he never got that chance, to say good-bye. I'm good with that since we can preview it to be sure it's ok.

Can anyone tell me what sort of annual contact they have with a birth parent that protects your identity? I'd hate to set up a PO Box just for a once a year letter. DHHS will obviously slip out of the picture once he's adopted (I still can't believe it!). Do the birth parents write inappropriate things? Do they also say things like, I miss you, I want to live with you again or Daddy (out of picture for 6 months) and I love you very much? I'm just worried about the emotional trauma and guilt. If you only send letters annually, how do you know they reach her/him? She will likely move quite often given her past decade.

Thanks. I so love this forum!

[Smithie]

Congratulations!

I think the "goodbye letter" from biomom is a great idea. Beyond that, I don't know. Maybe establish an anonymous email address that she can write to? Even if she doesn't have Internet access while incarcerated, she will certainly be able to go to the library or a friend's house or wherever once she's out. You could print off the emails to save for later, or read them out loud if appropriate, and send back responses as you think appropriate. 

I'm not much of a fan of sending pictures when there's any concern about biofamily impropriety (anything from fraud up to kidnapping). In this Internet age, a person's physical appearance IS an identifying detail. If you ever want your child to have a Facebook account and other normal teenage stuff, it's probably better not to share that kind of information with somebody you don't trust. One of the good things about the Internet age is that you will always be able to track biomom down if you find at some point that you need to. So I wouldn't fret about knowing her physical address - if you know her full name and age and where she was born, you can find her any time you need to with a paid search service. 

I think you will find that biomom kind of drops of everybody's emotional radar, at least for awhile. There will doubtless be stages where questions come up as your DS gets older, and the older he gets and the better attaches he is, the more honest you'll be able to be. 

[alwayslearning66]

Many good points. Thanks for the email idea. She is rather illiterate, but  has used the internet. The pictures warning is important as well. I hadn't thought of that.

I keep hearing about the importance  of open adoptions and thought we could incorporate that into our lives. The more we think about all the details the more we realize this just won't work in the ways I've seen here and in Adoptive Families over the years. Sigh.

[pumpkingirl71]

So happy that your family is becoming legal!

I just wanted to say that your four year old may phase in and out out feeling attached to his birthmother.  18 months is a long time.  My daughter was only with her birthmother for 5 months and she benefits greatly from contact with her birthmother and feels very attached to her.

When we finalized, the lawyer would not let us use an e-mail address,  The birthmother already had so much identifying info on us, we just decided to go with our address.  I think there are forwarding services you can use?  Not really sure how that works, but I remember someone floating that idea for us.

I hope your caseworker and the state lawyer will be able to walk you through the safety concerns.  They have done this a thousand times and can predict the hazards.  For example, I cried when I read some of the ways that the open adoption agreement cut the birthmother out, but those provisions have all been helpful.

[Momofjames]

For a foster adoption where TPR is involved the child and the birthparents no longer have any contact with each other. You could make him a life book with all the information you have and when he is old enough if he wants to search then he would have all the information to do so.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Momofjames 

For a foster adoption where TPR is involved the child and the birthparents no longer have any contact with each other. You could make him a life book with all the information you have and when he is old enough if he wants to search then he would have all the information to do so.

Not necessarily. It depends on the situation. It's not right in all circumstances but there are many open adoptions from foster care. I have one of those (and one closed.)

[alwayslearning66]

Our case worker said that DHHS does not do open adoptions. However, we are free to arrange whatever we want post adoption. That may be what is being said in the above postings.

I agree that he may have more of an attachment than meets the eye. I'm trying to tread this path very carefully knowing full well that there could be a safety issue. We're tempted to give her a one year moratorium by arranging to send her an email with our special email address at that one year anniversary. It is true she has a ton to go on if she wants to find us, so that's something else to consider. I think we just won't know what will work until we start, unfortunately.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by alwayslearning66 

Can anyone tell me what sort of annual contact they have with a birth parent that protects your identity? I'd hate to set up a PO Box just for a once a year letter. DHHS will obviously slip out of the picture once he's adopted (I still can't believe it!). Do the birth parents write inappropriate things? Do they also say things like, I miss you, I want to live with you again or Daddy (out of picture for 6 months) and I love you very much? I'm just worried about the emotional trauma and guilt. If you only send letters annually, how do you know they reach her/him? She will likely move quite often given her past decade.

Thanks. I so love this forum!

I forgot to reply to this!  Yes, our birthmother does say inappropriate things.  We just have to be super on top of it.  It is sort of a spectrum.  My husband and I have agreed that it is OK for birthmom to tell dd that she misses her and loves her.  Once.  We edit out the other ten times.  Also, I see it all as sort of a dance.  I am in charge of keeping my daughter safe and I make the rules.  BUT my daughter has a profound need to have contact with ther birth mother.  So I try very hard not to come down too hard on L (birthmother) or too make too many rules.  We try to absorb as much of the resposiblity as we can and put less on her.  For example, I could try to explain why "I miss you soooooo sooooooo sooooo sooooo much"  isn't a great thing to say to a kid she couldn't parent due to her own mistakes.  But I don't.  I don't allow her to talk to dd that way and I edit those things out of letters.  L is fragile and I would be too if someone else held the keys to seeing my kid.  But is isn't about her and I am not L's mom.  But I know that my daughter feels more at home in her own skin if she has contact iwth L.