Am I a single parent?

[worthy]

I swear this is a serious question, not a troll.

My DH (ack, XH, I have to get used to saying that instead) and I just ended our marriage.  Neither of us is willing to leave the kids, so he is moving downstairs in our current house and we are gradually separating our space and our stuff, etc.  We will continue co-parenting and sharing some house maintenance and housework type stuff, but we'll be functioning separately, not as a unit.  For awhile we will be sharing kitchen/bathroom, but that is not my preference and we will be moving towards him having his own (our house is set up in a way that will allow for that, with some work and hopefully not too much money.)

So I'm "single" as in "unmarried and unpartnered," but at least for the foreseeable future, I will continue to have an in-house co-parent. 

I'm struggling with a number of aspects of my new identity - I am sure others here can relate - and I just want to make sure I get this right and don't step on toes by using this term if I shouldn't.  I know some single mamas have housemates, boyfriends, cohousing situations where childcare is shared...I would imagine they do not wonder if they "qualify" as single parents.  Also some have XHs who share the childcare equitably and often, and some who even live next door or in the same building.

I would love to have some supportive help in figuring out if this definition applies to me.  Thanks.

[rubelin]

I'd say that you're in transition.

I consider anyone who is not in a "married"-type of relationship with their children's other parent to be a single parent. There is a huge range of single parents represented here. Some of us were married to an ex-spouse for a long time and still have close contact with them, some are single mommas by choice who were never in a relationship with the other parent. Some were in really short relationships and have never coparented with the father, some have 50/50 custody. Some of the non-custodial parents we deal with are very involved with our kids, some of them have disappeared entirely.

The specifics make all our situations different and all our challenges unique but we have the common thread of raising kids without being in an intimate relationship with their other parent.

Don't worry about the labels. Come here for the support you need and someday it will occur to you that you don't have to wonder if you're a single parent or not

[orangecanoe]

I would definitely agree that you're 'unpartnered', but having a live-in co-parent is a much different scenario than many of us here live. If you're sharing household tasks, you're not exactly functioning separately as you say.

There is a huge range and spectrum of single parenting to co-parenting and everything in between. Your scenario insulates you from some of the financial, childcare and other issues that some of us deal with, but that's not to say that reclaiming your identity with your marriage coming to an end won't leave you with other areas in which you can more closely identify.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by rubelin 

Don't worry about the labels. Come here for the support you need and someday it will occur to you that you don't have to wonder if you're a single parent or not

Absolutely. Take this time to figure out what works best for your family and don't worry about what it's called.
 

[worthy]

Thank you guys so much.  I really appreciate the supportive, nonjudgmental tone of your responses.    I'm in a really raw place right now - have to redefine my identity and not sure quite what that is.  I'll stick around here - I imagine lots of people on this board have experience with that.

[Goodmom2008]

You are divorced, right?  If so, then why on earth are you still living together?  Surely there is a court order that addresses custody and parenting time?  And who gets the house? 

Because I don't see this arrangement working, especially when either or both of you start dating. 

[worthy]

This is not what I consider supportive help, and I did not post looking for judgment on our agreement.  Feeling a bit raw and not inclined to spend much time here if this is typical.
 

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

You are divorced, right?  If so, then why on earth are you still living together?  Surely there is a court order that addresses custody and parenting time?  And who gets the house? 

Because I don't see this arrangement working, especially when either or both of you start dating. 

[Goodmom2008]

People have different experiences.  Some people, like me, will tell it like it is and point out flaws with some "arrangements".  If you want everything whitewashed, feel free to ignore my posts. 
 

Originally Posted by worthy 

This is not what I consider supportive help, and I did not post looking for judgment on our agreement.  Feeling a bit raw and not inclined to spend much time here if this is typical.
 

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

You are divorced, right?  If so, then why on earth are you still living together?  Surely there is a court order that addresses custody and parenting time?  And who gets the house? 

Because I don't see this arrangement working, especially when either or both of you start dating. 

 

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

People have different experiences.  Some people, like me, will tell it like it is and point out flaws with some "arrangements".  If you want everything whitewashed, feel free to ignore my posts. 
 

Originally Posted by worthy 

This is not what I consider supportive help, and I did not post looking for judgment on our agreement.  Feeling a bit raw and not inclined to spend much time here if this is typical.
 

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

You are divorced, right?  If so, then why on earth are you still living together?  Surely there is a court order that addresses custody and parenting time?  And who gets the house? 

Because I don't see this arrangement working, especially when either or both of you start dating. 

 

 

I don't think the OP asked for whitewashing...however, nor did she ask for arrogant questioning of her living arrangement, or dating advice, etc. Your response really does not relate to what she was asking for in the first place. 

OP, hang in there. It will all iron itself out if you take good care of you and your DC.

[Octopus8]

I was in a similar situation as you over the summer. I personally didn't consider myself a "single mom" til I actually moved out and was doing it alone. But I would never tell anyone in this situation NOT to call themself a single mom, either! I guess it just depends how helpful your Ex is in regard to the kids. My Ex was really good about helping me with our son while we were still living together, so I didn't feel like a single mom until I moved out and was the one doing everything for our son. I think that the PP had a good title when they said "in transition".

[Tarielena]

Good luck with your situation!  I am in a similar one.  We live in my MIL's downstairs right now, and will be partially splitting that area now.  I hope things work out at LEAST temporarily until I finish this semester.  I don't call myself single yet because I am still in the process of figuring out how to file for divorce, what information I need, etc.

However, in my opinion it shouldn't have to be all about specifics.  Who exactly out there gets to say what criteria qualifies a single mom?  It seems like a place like this especially should be welcoming and supportive to single moms in every situation.  Is someone going to say "nope, sorry, you get too much help, life isn't hard enough for you, so you can't be called a single mom."  What about people who have a safety net and supportive family and live with their parents for a bit?  Are they not allowed to be single parents because they are not actually living alone?  For me personally, "single" just means not in a significant romantic or legal relationship with someone.  From there, life takes over and can shape everyone's situation a little differently, with positives and negatives in everything.  I don't fully understand everything that women who live alone go through because I haven't experienced it yet, but just because the former spouse in our situation is still in the house doesn't mean everything is peachy.  There are other difficulties that we have to face, like tricky emotional situations.  I don't know how mutual your situation was, but my husband is trying very hard to "get me back" (after 4 years of refusing to change a thing) so there were several weeks of pure agony where he was constantly acting depressed, and I felt obligated to make it better because I was "causing" it.  So yeah... everyone has stuff they are dealing with, so I think it would be sad if we couldn't all understand that about eachother and be supportive of whatever we may have going on at the moment.
 

Originally Posted by worthy 

I swear this is a serious question, not a troll.

My DH (ack, XH, I have to get used to saying that instead) and I just ended our marriage.  Neither of us is willing to leave the kids, so he is moving downstairs in our current house and we are gradually separating our space and our stuff, etc.  We will continue co-parenting and sharing some house maintenance and housework type stuff, but we'll be functioning separately, not as a unit.  For awhile we will be sharing kitchen/bathroom, but that is not my preference and we will be moving towards him having his own (our house is set up in a way that will allow for that, with some work and hopefully not too much money.)

So I'm "single" as in "unmarried and unpartnered," but at least for the foreseeable future, I will continue to have an in-house co-parent. 

I'm struggling with a number of aspects of my new identity - I am sure others here can relate - and I just want to make sure I get this right and don't step on toes by using this term if I shouldn't.  I know some single mamas have housemates, boyfriends, cohousing situations where childcare is shared...I would imagine they do not wonder if they "qualify" as single parents.  Also some have XHs who share the childcare equitably and often, and some who even live next door or in the same building.

I would love to have some supportive help in figuring out if this definition applies to me.  Thanks.

[sparklefairy]

To me, this is not a single person; it's someone who is still enmeshed in an intimate relationship and emotionally entangled to a degree which makes them not free to move on to another relationship. Does that make sense? It's not a value judgment on still being enmeshed or a value judgment on what constitutes a single parent for the purposes of getting support from others. I'm also one of those people who believes that it's possible to be functionally single as a parent while legally married -- frankly, my ex does more parenting now than he did when we lived together. But for the purposes of moving on as a single person who is available to be a part of a future, exclusive partnership... I think that it's very difficult to do that while living with an ex and having a domestic relationship no matter how much you're not having sex, not "romantically" involved, and not legally or financially together.

Originally Posted by Tarielena 

Good luck with your situation!  I am in a similar one.  We live in my MIL's downstairs right now, and will be partially splitting that area now.  I hope things work out at LEAST temporarily until I finish this semester.  I don't call myself single yet because I am still in the process of figuring out how to file for divorce, what information I need, etc.

However, in my opinion it shouldn't have to be all about specifics.  Who exactly out there gets to say what criteria qualifies a single mom?  It seems like a place like this especially should be welcoming and supportive to single moms in every situation.  Is someone going to say "nope, sorry, you get too much help, life isn't hard enough for you, so you can't be called a single mom."  What about people who have a safety net and supportive family and live with their parents for a bit?  Are they not allowed to be single parents because they are not actually living alone?  For me personally, "single" just means not in a significant romantic or legal relationship with someone.  From there, life takes over and can shape everyone's situation a little differently, with positives and negatives in everything.  I don't fully understand everything that women who live alone go through because I haven't experienced it yet, but just because the former spouse in our situation is still in the house doesn't mean everything is peachy.  There are other difficulties that we have to face, like tricky emotional situations.  I don't know how mutual your situation was, but my husband is trying very hard to "get me back" (after 4 years of refusing to change a thing) so there were several weeks of pure agony where he was constantly acting depressed, and I felt obligated to make it better because I was "causing" it.  So yeah... everyone has stuff they are dealing with, so I think it would be sad if we couldn't all understand that about eachother and be supportive of whatever we may have going on at the moment.
 

Originally Posted by worthy 

I swear this is a serious question, not a troll.

My DH (ack, XH, I have to get used to saying that instead) and I just ended our marriage.  Neither of us is willing to leave the kids, so he is moving downstairs in our current house and we are gradually separating our space and our stuff, etc.  We will continue co-parenting and sharing some house maintenance and housework type stuff, but we'll be functioning separately, not as a unit.  For awhile we will be sharing kitchen/bathroom, but that is not my preference and we will be moving towards him having his own (our house is set up in a way that will allow for that, with some work and hopefully not too much money.)

So I'm "single" as in "unmarried and unpartnered," but at least for the foreseeable future, I will continue to have an in-house co-parent. 

I'm struggling with a number of aspects of my new identity - I am sure others here can relate - and I just want to make sure I get this right and don't step on toes by using this term if I shouldn't.  I know some single mamas have housemates, boyfriends, cohousing situations where childcare is shared...I would imagine they do not wonder if they "qualify" as single parents.  Also some have XHs who share the childcare equitably and often, and some who even live next door or in the same building.

I would love to have some supportive help in figuring out if this definition applies to me.  Thanks.

 

[orangecanoe]

OP, what I'm getting from some of the responses is that there are some who won't relate to your experience. I haven't read back through other posts of yours, so I don't know the backstory on your relationship issues if you've shared them.

Like I said, I think your situation poses some challenges to establishing a new identity apart from being married. I won't predict how it will/won't be confusing for the kids, but where you are is a start. I would hope that if down the road this really isn't working for you, you won't hesitate to seek legal counsel to dissolve the current agreement. Just because it's working now and might work for a short while doesn't mean it will indefinitely.

[Tarielena]

It is always interesting to read about the perspectives of others!  I guess we use the word single in very different ways.  There are many, many reasons that a person may not be emotionally open to a relationship but that doesn't mean that they are currently IN a relationship.  Let's say a mama leaves an abusive husband, but he continues to play mind-games with her even after they are divorced and she is having trouble letting it go.  She may still be emotionally enmeshed with him, and may not be ready for a new relationship psychologically, but she is NOT still *with* that person, so to me she would be single.  There are people who might want to date casually, but aren't ready for an exclusive relationship... that doesn't mean they're not single.

I agree with you that it would be very, very hard to be open to a new relationship while still living with an ex, but I don't agree that that somehow defines singlehood.  In theory, if both people came to a mutual agreement on the matter and stuck with it, there's no reason you couldn't start dating once the marriage was over.  The trouble is that 99.99% of the time people don't end up being able to come to that agreement mutually which causes the drama.  My FIL had no problem whatsoever continuing his relationship with his affair-chick while still living in the same home as my MIL after they separated and then divorced.  I might think that is pretty low and despicable, but when it comes down to it he could do whatever he wanted once they got divorced (not that being married stopped him anyway).

I guess to sum up, my opinion is that a LACK of relationship is what equals singlehood, not your current readiness for a NEW relationship.  I personally feel like I want to turn into a crazy cat lady and never have anything to do with a relationship again for the rest of my life, but the fact that I wasn't open to a new relationship wouldn't mean I wasn't single (down the road once a divorce was finalized).
 

Originally Posted by sparklefairy 

To me, this is not a single person; it's someone who is still enmeshed in an intimate relationship and emotionally entangled to a degree which makes them not free to move on to another relationship. Does that make sense? It's not a value judgment on still being enmeshed or a value judgment on what constitutes a single parent for the purposes of getting support from others. I'm also one of those people who believes that it's possible to be functionally single as a parent while legally married -- frankly, my ex does more parenting now than he did when we lived together. But for the purposes of moving on as a single person who is available to be a part of a future, exclusive partnership... I think that it's very difficult to do that while living with an ex and having a domestic relationship no matter how much you're not having sex, not "romantically" involved, and not legally or financially together.

Originally Posted by Tarielena 

Good luck with your situation!  I am in a similar one.  We live in my MIL's downstairs right now, and will be partially splitting that area now.  I hope things work out at LEAST temporarily until I finish this semester.  I don't call myself single yet because I am still in the process of figuring out how to file for divorce, what information I need, etc.

However, in my opinion it shouldn't have to be all about specifics.  Who exactly out there gets to say what criteria qualifies a single mom?  It seems like a place like this especially should be welcoming and supportive to single moms in every situation.  Is someone going to say "nope, sorry, you get too much help, life isn't hard enough for you, so you can't be called a single mom."  What about people who have a safety net and supportive family and live with their parents for a bit?  Are they not allowed to be single parents because they are not actually living alone?  For me personally, "single" just means not in a significant romantic or legal relationship with someone.  From there, life takes over and can shape everyone's situation a little differently, with positives and negatives in everything.  I don't fully understand everything that women who live alone go through because I haven't experienced it yet, but just because the former spouse in our situation is still in the house doesn't mean everything is peachy.  There are other difficulties that we have to face, like tricky emotional situations.  I don't know how mutual your situation was, but my husband is trying very hard to "get me back" (after 4 years of refusing to change a thing) so there were several weeks of pure agony where he was constantly acting depressed, and I felt obligated to make it better because I was "causing" it.  So yeah... everyone has stuff they are dealing with, so I think it would be sad if we couldn't all understand that about eachother and be supportive of whatever we may have going on at the moment.
 

Originally Posted by worthy 

I swear this is a serious question, not a troll.

My DH (ack, XH, I have to get used to saying that instead) and I just ended our marriage.  Neither of us is willing to leave the kids, so he is moving downstairs in our current house and we are gradually separating our space and our stuff, etc.  We will continue co-parenting and sharing some house maintenance and housework type stuff, but we'll be functioning separately, not as a unit.  For awhile we will be sharing kitchen/bathroom, but that is not my preference and we will be moving towards him having his own (our house is set up in a way that will allow for that, with some work and hopefully not too much money.)

So I'm "single" as in "unmarried and unpartnered," but at least for the foreseeable future, I will continue to have an in-house co-parent. 

I'm struggling with a number of aspects of my new identity - I am sure others here can relate - and I just want to make sure I get this right and don't step on toes by using this term if I shouldn't.  I know some single mamas have housemates, boyfriends, cohousing situations where childcare is shared...I would imagine they do not wonder if they "qualify" as single parents.  Also some have XHs who share the childcare equitably and often, and some who even live next door or in the same building.

I would love to have some supportive help in figuring out if this definition applies to me.  Thanks.