Three new babies and my anguish

[KempsMama]

I just need a safe place to vent.  Three of my friends have given birth in the last week, and my own birth experiences and parenting ideas have me all frustrated.

My friend K gave birth last night to her fourth.  She ended up having an emergency section, after an induction for post dates "failed" after 6 hours of labor.  I know she won't BF, this baby was an "oops" and she was angry for weeks that it was a girl.  I don't want to go see them because her aloofness about her baby drives me insane.

My friend R also gave birth last night, induced for Pre E, went from 3 cm to pushing in 20 minutes.  She is another one who is going to "try" and bf, but her boyfriend wants her to go back to work within a month (!!!!!#$%@#$%!!!!!) so she has already started buying formula. 

I'm sure some of you are going to have rather harsh things to say to me. Maybe that's what I need right now, I don't know. 

Edited by KempsMama - 4/17/11 at 3:11pm

[goldenwillow]

I do not have harsh things to say to you.  I feel you are sympathetic to these babes.  What is done is done now.  My hope is that you can continue to encourage them but that is all you can do. 

Hugs.

[Happiestever]

Yes those are harsh words and you may get them here but your feelings are understandable and have been experienced by many people of us.

It is good to get this kind of stuff out anyway. Healing takes time. Give yourself the time you need.

[limabean]

It's okay to have those feelings, and to vent about them here. 

This makes me think you may be coming on a bit too strong to your friends, which I would try to curb: "when we visited at the hospital her husband said 'We just do what the doctor tells us to, after all, he has a degree and you don't.'" It sounds like he felt defensive or like he was being criticized, which no one wants to feel in the hours or days following their baby's birth.  

But vent to us all you want -- none of us have the perfect internal dialogue at all times, and it can be painful to watch others not appreciate their opportunities to do things that you would have been thrilled to get to do. 

[Arduinna]

((hug))

Give yourself permission to spend time with them only if and when you want to.

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by limabean 

It's okay to have those feelings, and to vent about them here. 

This makes me think you may be coming on a bit too strong to your friends, which I would try to curb: "when we visited at the hospital her husband said 'We just do what the doctor tells us to, after all, he has a degree and you don't.'" It sounds like he felt defensive or like he was being criticized, which no one wants to feel in the hours or days following their baby's birth.  

But vent to us all you want -- none of us have the perfect internal dialogue at all times, and it can be painful to watch others not appreciate their opportunities to do things that you would have been thrilled to get to do. 

I've thought that too, but my DH and another friend that was with us didn't feel I was coming on too strong at all.  In fact, the only two things I'd said about BFing were a tip on getting him latched and that it wasn't that concerning that colostrum was all he needed right now.  (The nurse said they would probably need to supp. because he was small and colostrum has no nutrients.  Grr.)

I dunno, I'm dealing with a lot right now with my own two, and just want everyone else to have an easier time of things.

[peainthepod]

No harsh words from me, mama. I can't pretend to know how you feel; birth and breastfeeding came easily to me, praise God! But it must be tremendously hard to see what you've described after all the hardship you experienced trying to give your little ones the best possible start. I hope no one attacks you here, because venting to sympathetic listeners can be tremendously healing.

[LessTraveledBy]

I know how you feel and have no advice.

Sometimes these sort of things are basically little signs that the friendship is not going to grow with you. Or that it is turning into something new and you will be a helper, not an equal friend. I agree with Arduinna, see them only when you feel you can deal with it and be encouraging.

I am "there" with you right now, having a friend who will do no research and ask for endless advice, never actually taking it. I have had to cut down on the amount of interaction, because I got so frustrated I had a hard time being nice to my family afterwards. People have to right to do things as they wish but you don't have to pretend within your head that you like it...

[dakotablue]

(((Hug)))

I am so sorry. I totally understand. Maybe it might be easier for you to take a break from them for a while.

I know they aren't exactly related. But for myself when I was going through IF I couldn't be around people who had accidentally gotten pregnant and complained. Although part of it was my feeling bad for their 'unwanted' babies, but most was my own jealousy and heartache over my own situation. For my own emotional health I had to take a break. 

[KempsMama]

I have basically cut contact with R-she did some really crazy things, and I just can't support her decisions.  :(

My friend J, it turns out, got some really rotten BFing advice (only nurse for 15 minutes per side every THREE hours!!).  We talked about why that was bad news, and I invited her to a LLL meeting.  She's having poor supply and supplementing, probably due to the awful advice she got at the hospital. 

[bri276]

It sounds like you're still processing your own births and breastfeeding experiences which might mean it's too difficult to be objective around others who are in the midst of it and maybe you should stay away if it's too emotional. Something I have repeated to myself often is "I have enough to worry about with my own children; let others worry about their own, too". That's not to say that I don't give advice if directly asked- but even then, a gentle approach is best. I have friends who raise their kids in many different ways and find other levels to connect with them on besides parenting.

[EarthMommy80]

No harsh words from me.... only understanding.

I didn't get to have a vaginal birth, although I was educated and wanted my births to be all natural.  But, that was taken from me. 

I had difficulties BF my children, and had all the same issues you listed.

These things were all traumatic, and happened with the birth and bf of all 3 of my children.

I find myself resenting women who take advantage of or have no real appreciation for birth.  Because, people like us will go through our entire lives thinking about what didn't go the way we expected/wanted.  But, my as my children get older and I continue to process each and every birth, bf, parenting choice I have made it gets easier.  Our experiences are unique to us, and to everyone else their own.  The only thing I have control over is my own life, and I have come to realize that because someone doesn't see/do something the same as me doesn't mean they are bad or uneducated, it just means that is what is suppose to happen for them.  Just learn to enjoy and appreciate the new little people who come into your life and be there for them and for your friends/family who are having and raising their children the way they are meant to.

A little piece of advice.... don't offer advice!  Only support.  Unless, they ask for it. 

[stiss]

You gave them your advice and some reading material. They made their decisions based on their own attitudes and comfort level, which is perfectly acceptable, and well within their rights as parents. I don't always agree with the views or choices my friends make, but their children are their business, and what will ultimately make them good or bad parents involves way more than their birth choices and nutritional decisions in the first months.

I get that it's hard to see other people have (often without appreciating) what you would have liked the opportunity to have for yourself. I went through absolute hell to try and nurse my kid, and there was never a time I didn't need to supplement, despite all my hard work. I cried when I pulled out a bottle in public, which in retrospect, is really, really sad. Do I wish I could EBF? YES. do I envy others who have the opportunity? YES. Do I resent mothers who choose a different path, for whatever reason that might be? NO. It's just none of your business, and they have no obligation to you, or anyone, to do things differently than how they WANT to. The fact that you're "heartbroken" for their babies does indicate that you're internalizing their situation, when there's no need. How do you think your friends would react if you told them that you're "heartbroken" for their children? How would that make you feel, if it came from one of your friends?

I can guarantee you that you will always differ from other people in your parenting choices. Some people will look upon your choices as imperfect, or flawed. It's not their business, though, so long as you're doing your best, and only YOU know what your best is. Same goes for your friends. Parents should not be made to feel badly about their birth choices, or their early parenting choices, so long as the baby is safe and healthy. Parenting is a very personal thing - there is no universal "right". Ever.

You can't help how you feel with regards to what you've missed out on. I totally get that. I just think that showing up at a hospital to congratulate your friend, and saying something that warranted a brand-new father having to JUSTIFY their choices to you, indicates that you need to step back and think about what you can REALLY do for them as a friend at this point. Usually this involves bringing over food and cooing over how cute their baby is, and leaving them be regarding the parental evaluations.

It is harsh. I just feel there's a big difference between struggling with envy and longing, and judging your friends for things that are really, really none of your business. I hope you can find some enlightenment to this end, and continue to enjoy your friendships.

[RiverTam]

I did all the research, I wanted a natural birth soooo badly, and failed.

Not your fault, Mama. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. When you stop being angry about this, you'll stop being angry with your friends.

Are you angry at yourself? The doctors? The midwife? Your partner?

Let it go. It's not your fault.  Things happen that are beyond our control.

I refuse to call any birth "a failure." This isn't a test. No one is keeping score. It's life. You live this moment and then go on to the next one.

[Greenlea]

I understand completely.  I cringe when I see friends on FB posting about things going on with their babies, or even real life friends.  One woman I know is putting her 6 week old son through "baby boot camp" to get him to sleep through the night!  I constantly see pictures of my friend's newborns being given a formula bottle at the hospital, all because their milk hasn't come in and doctors say the baby needs it.  I know there are different parenting styles out there, and I keep my mouth shut 99% of the time cuz whats done is done, but I really do cringe and feel bad for those babies.

[texmati]

no hard feelings-- have you checked out the healing birth trauma forum?

I feel this way about my mom (who is great 99% of the time, btw)-- 3 uncomplicated vaginal births, breastfed all her kids until she didn't want to anymore; never pumped. I had a c-sec with my first, had to have GA, had a terrible time bfing, went back to work and pumped until I got pregnant and was forced to supplement.

She's said often how she always trusted her hcp, and how bf was supposed to be easy, and how I read too much and that all her and my dad had was a 6 page pamphlet that they picked up at the dr's office.

It's great that her births went well, but it does leave me feeling bitter. i felt like I followed all the rules, but still ended up failing. On top of everything else, I feel like my credabliity is shot in regards to birthing and bfing-- why would anyone take me seriously?

My only advice is... .it's ok to feel jelous. It's ok to feel bitter. It will lesson with time and acceptance of what happened to you. I still get annoyed with my mom, but it's much better 16 mos out. 

All the best to you mama!

[coffeegirl]

I don't know if you were coming on too strong IRL or not, mama. But I know the need to vent. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. For me, it's the nursing thing. My daughter latched on within minutes of being born and nursed like she was born to do it lol. Then, unfortunately she was in the NICU for an entire month for something unrelated (and was in there, and separated from me, for a totally excessive length of time-- so I get your frustration with the attitude that doctors are always right, etc.). And the whole time she was in the NICU that first month, she wouldn't nurse. She refused to even latch, it was so frustrating and heartbreaking. I wanted to nurse her exclusively so badly. I pumped all the time, the whole time, but the damage was done. I was never able to even pump more than an ounce a day.  

I think, in retrospect, it was the tense atmosphere of the NICU because as soon as I got her home, like literally the first day, she latched on and began to nurse. It was her favorite thing from then on. I kept pumping, I nursed all night long, I took Fenugreek, etc., and my supply has just never returned to where it should be. I feed my baby now probably 20% from breastmilk and 80% formula. She much prefers the breastmilk. We've tried some donor milk form my SiL but now she's getting close to weaning so her supply is naturally coming down.

Anyhow...sorry for rambling, but my point is....I went through and am continuing to go through all this struggle and I see and hear about mamas sometimes who have plenty of milk....they have engorgement issues and problems I would love to have like pumping bottle after bottle to relieve the pressure, but they just choose not to nurse. Or choose to wean super-early, for no good reason other than it's become inconvenient for them and it's "their choice". Which....it is. I can't argue with it. But it frustrates me. I've never had engorgement, I've had to literally fight for ever drop I've been able to produce for my little one. I'd give anything to have their problems. It is frustrating and disheartening sometimes. 

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by texmati 

no hard feelings-- have you checked out the healing birth trauma forum?

I feel this way about my mom (who is great 99% of the time, btw)-- 3 uncomplicated vaginal births, breastfed all her kids until she didn't want to anymore; never pumped. I had a c-sec with my first, had to have GA, had a terrible time bfing, went back to work and pumped until I got pregnant and was forced to supplement.

She's said often how she always trusted her hcp, and how bf was supposed to be easy, and how I read too much and that all her and my dad had was a 6 page pamphlet that they picked up at the dr's office.

It's great that her births went well, but it does leave me feeling bitter. i felt like I followed all the rules, but still ended up failing. On top of everything else, I feel like my credabliity is shot in regards to birthing and bfing-- why would anyone take me seriously?

My only advice is... .it's ok to feel jelous. It's ok to feel bitter. It will lesson with time and acceptance of what happened to you. I still get annoyed with my mom, but it's much better 16 mos out. 

All the best to you mama!

This. Exactly. 

[texmati]

:hugs KtempsMama!

I was thinking about this post alot yesterday-- (between the hours of 10-2am, while my newborn refused to sleep.) I did end up having a vbac, a few weeks ago, and bf is (relatively) easy. My son was very high needs, and this baby is calmer. I'm only mention it to tell you, that I'm even jelous of myself.... I know it doesn't make sense, but I find myself wishing I had the same experience with my son that I did with my daughter, and feeling angry and bitter about it.

I guess the reason I'm saying this is that the feeling cheated is normal-- and it doesnt mean that you wish ill or are judging the people that you mentioned in your post. I certainly don't whish ill on myself. It's just a reminder off the loss you feel, and it does hurt when people take for granted what you so desperately would have wanted.

I know I'm not explaining myself well, but the bottom line is, I don't think you are a bad person for having these feelings. You don't deserve harsh words, but a big hug.
 

Originally Posted by KempsMama 

This. Exactly.