I can't do this anymore!!!

[AirMiami]

My 2 year old daughter is obsessed with nursing! The more she wants to nurse the less I want to. She throws massive tantrums when I tell her no and won't be redirected. I wanted to let her nurse longer, but I don't think I can do it anymore for my mental health. I am going insane from this. She asks to nurse every 15-30 min, sometimes more. I have ADHD and cannot medicate myself because of the nursing. My family harasses me all the time for nursing her. I'm losing it, I f*cking hate nursing right now. It's making me so angry! She's a rude nurser. She scratches, she pinches, she switches sides constantly, she kneads my flesh like it's dough, she sticks her fingers in my belly button which makes me want to throw up. I tell her no, I give her toys to fondle while nursing, I wear jewelry, I put her down and walk away. NOTHING WORKS. She continues these rude nursing behaviors. I want to just run away for a few weeks ALONE and hope that she'll be weaned by then because the thought of weaning her exhausts me because of the tantrums. Ahhhhhhh I'm having a really horrible day today regarding the nursing AND I AM SO TOUCHED OUT.

[philomom]

You sound overwrought and frustrated. Could you take a nice woman's retreat and have your partner care for your child while you are away? While the time away may not wean her completely, you will get the break you desperately need.

If you are not willing to wean.. just do your best to stay calm. Ask your daughter not to hurt you. If she hurts you the nursing will stop for now until she has "kind hands and gentle mouth". No one should be abused giving the milk of human kindness.

[Treece]

Wow. I came here for advice with almost the EXACT same thing.

My 3 yo is NOT ready to wean, but boy I am. The only problem, I have a 1 yo nursling and KNOW there will be tantrums and anger and frustration, from me and 3 yo. I also have ADHD and have not even sought meds b/c I nurse. Even if I wean the 3 yo, I won't wean the 1 yo.

Not trying to hijack, just commiserate. I feel ya. My 3 yo is a rude nurser too. I HATE it, I can't stand it, I am so touched out today.

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by AirMiami 

My 2 year old daughter is obsessed with nursing! The more she wants to nurse the less I want to. She throws massive tantrums when I tell her no and won't be redirected. I wanted to let her nurse longer, but I don't think I can do it anymore for my mental health. I am going insane from this. She asks to nurse every 15-30 min, sometimes more. I have ADHD and cannot medicate myself because of the nursing. My family harasses me all the time for nursing her. I'm losing it, I f*cking hate nursing right now. It's making me so angry! She's a rude nurser. She scratches, she pinches, she switches sides constantly, she kneads my flesh like it's dough, she sticks her fingers in my belly button which makes me want to throw up. I tell her no, I give her toys to fondle while nursing, I wear jewelry, I put her down and walk away. NOTHING WORKS. She continues these rude nursing behaviors. I want to just run away for a few weeks ALONE and hope that she'll be weaned by then because the thought of weaning her exhausts me because of the tantrums. Ahhhhhhh I'm having a really horrible day today regarding the nursing AND I AM SO TOUCHED OUT.

    It's okay to wean her if you want to.  You will both survive the tantrums.  If your feelings about nursing are tainting your entire relationship with your 2 yo child with negativity, it's okay to wean so you can both move on to other things. 

If you aren't sure you want to wean, it's also okay to set some very firm limits on when you nurse and how long, and enforce nursing manners.  Again, you will both survive the tantrums.   I had to do this with our DS1 when he was two.  It was rough for a couple of weeks but when he realized I meant business with the new rules, he settled into the new expectations.  This way I was able to salvage our nursing relationship so he could keep nursing.  I had a new baby on the way and I was not willing to tandem nurse an older sibling who was making it so difficult.  I was very clear in my mind what I was willing to put up with and I think that helped me keep my resolve when his tantrums were at their worst.  We came out the other side of it all with an improved relationship.

[CheriK]

I'm so sorry you're going through these tough feelings.  You sound so incredibly frustrated and overwhelmed.  I really suspect that your nursling is very aware of what you're feeling, and trying to cope with that stress by using her favorite comfort mechanism, which of course is just adding to your stress and overwhelm.  It's a vicious cycle.  Sometimes, if you're in a mental place to be able to do so, it can help to totally back off on weaning for a while, be as welcoming and calm as you can for a few weeks, then re-evaluate.  If you can make the decision to gently wean from a place of calm, instead of reacting in frustration and anger, it will probaby be easier for both of you.  And if your daughter isn't constantly sensing more anger and frustration from you, she's likely to start nursing less, and be more gentle in her approach.
 

But that might be easier said than done.  It IS okay to reach out for medical help.  Are you sure the medications that help for your ADHD cannot be taken while nursing?  If you don't have a copy of Hale's Medications & Mother's Milk, many others on these boards do and would be happy to look up medications for you.  You might also want to visit Dr. Hale's Infantrisk site at http://www.infantrisk.com/category/breastfeeding.  Remember that a toddler or preschooler is getting far less milk, both volume-wise and compared to body size, than an infant, so the relative risk of any medication is lower.  Being able to gently and peacefully wean your DD is likely to be more important to her and your mental health than the risk of medication exposure.  Is depression possibly an issue as well?  There is LOTS of data on antidepressants and breastfeeding, and lots of evidence that several are safe to use, especially with an older nursling.

There are a lot of weaning ideas in the books "How Weaning Happens" and "A Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning."  Even if you don't wean right now, taking some steps to reduce the frequency of weaning and possibly setting a weaning goal might make this more tolerable.

Although the desire to escape and just LEAVE is probably strong, remember that your DD needs you now more than ever.  She is sharing your stress and doesn't know how to cope.  Removing her favorite comfort mechanism (nursing) AND her favorite person (Mom) is really going to make it so much harder.  Yes, this is hard for you.  But as an adult, you can reach out for help just as you are doing and find some other outlets.  She doesn't have any.  Making sure you do get a break every day is important, as well, so if you need to hire a sitter for a few hours, or plan to go out in the evening when your partner is home, make that a priority.  And make sleep a priority as well, even if that means you eat take-out and hire a housekeeper.  This is not going to last forever; do whatever you must to take care of your DD and yourself and let the rest go. 

A 2-3 year old is able to understand nursing manners.  It's okay and advisable to set appropriate limits.  After all, nursing is a relationship.  Your nursling needs to learn to consider your feelings and that other people's needs matter, too.  Ideally, talk to her when you're calm.  "When you do X, it hurts Mommy.  We can nurse as long as you touch gently.   If you can't touch gently, we will stop nursing and (cuddle, read, get a snack) instead.  When you feel calmer, we can try again."  It can really help you to know that there are limits, you don't have to accept your body being treated like a punching bag, and to have a plan that you follow when she can't be gentle. 

Is she having lots of tantrums otherwise?  Is this just a nursing issue, or is it just coming out more with nursing because she's more physical with you then?  It might also help to examine her sleep, time outside or with active play, diet other than nursing.   Focusing on keeping her well fed, well exercised, getting plenty of sleep will help limit the tantrums, as well.

[treeoflife3]

I know just how you feel :(

I have heard that for toddlers who want to nurse a lot, starting to offer again.. and offering CONSTANTLY sometimes can help them reduce how often they'll nurse.  they get so filled up with nursing so much for a few days that they no longer feel the need to nurse often anymore.  It doesn't work with my kid (although thankfully she HAS reduced her nursing now) but maybe yours?  definitely easier said than done when you want to rip your hair out and run far away but its the only advice I have.  I myself desperately want to wean but the idea of dealing with it sounds worse.. I don't have the patience or energy to spend hours for days trying to get her to accept a new way to sleep!

[major_mama11]

Originally Posted by philomom 

You sound overwrought and frustrated. Could you take a nice woman's retreat and have your partner care for your child while you are away? While the time away may not wean her completely, you will get the break you desperately need.

If you are not willing to wean.. just do your best to stay calm. Ask your daughter not to hurt you. If she hurts you the nursing will stop for now until she has "kind hands and gentle mouth". No one should be abused giving the milk of human kindness.

I can sympathize. My DS is almost 2 and is turning into a little tyrant about nursing. I can hold him off sometimes by just not sitting down, but I can't stand up forever!

My DD was almost 3 when I weaned her, also a totally boob-obsessed toddler, and I weaned her partially due to feeling the way you describe. First I night weaned, then no more nummies except at certain times/ places. I'm not saying you need to wean right away if you don't want to, but for me I found that just setting some limits as to when/where we nursed and not martyring myself made me feel okay about nursing a little longer than I originally planned to. It's okay to set some limits, although it's definitely not pretty during the process of the toddler getting used to the limits.

[AirMiami]

Thank you all so much for your words of support. I am actually not trying to wean her, I just fantasize about it often. ;) I'm going to start setting some serious limits. I can't give in to her demands of every 15-30 minutes anymore for my sanity. I would like to get it down to 6 sessions a day, and then work from there. There's probably going to be a lot of screaming, but I'm pretty much just done. 

If you couldn't already tell, she is extremely high needs and spirited. She tantrums several times a day, and is just exhausting in general. She was latched on basically 24/7 as a baby, and now nurses like newborns are supposed to nurse. I'm touring preschool for the fall, she needs it and I need it! HA!

[D_McG]

I weaned both of mine by setting firm, 100% non negotiable limits.  I never, ever allowed switching/twiddling. Not even as infants (switch once, if required.  That's it).  When it came to weaning I picked time of day we could nurse and that was it.  If there was a huge tantrum.. well that's what 2 year olds do.  I never gave in, ever.  I really think being confident and firm sealed the deal.  We were done in no time.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by CheriK 

Although the desire to escape and just LEAVE is probably strong, remember that your DD needs you now more than ever.  She is sharing your stress and doesn't know how to cope.  Removing her favorite comfort mechanism (nursing) AND her favorite person (Mom) is really going to make it so much harder. 

You know, this is the kind of thing that LLL turns me off about. They stress that mother and nursling should never, ever be separated. However, a spirited 2 year old with two loving parents will not be "broken" if one parent leaves to get 48 hours of continuous rest. I think the Op has tried a lot of approaches here and her sanity is slipping. I stand by the idea that a retreat... just for a Saturday and Sunday could be the best thing for both mother and child here.

[AirMiami]

We have had a pretty good day! I decided that this was it, and cut nursing down to four times a day. So far, there actually hasn't been that much resistance, no big tantrums. Of course, this is only day one, who knows what the next few days will bring. I sometimes think she can sense when she's taking it too far and knows when to not push it. Is that some sort of survival instinct? Like, I know this woman is about to kill me, better not throw any nursing tantrums today! 

Originally Posted by philomom 

Originally Posted by CheriK 

Although the desire to escape and just LEAVE is probably strong, remember that your DD needs you now more than ever.  She is sharing your stress and doesn't know how to cope.  Removing her favorite comfort mechanism (nursing) AND her favorite person (Mom) is really going to make it so much harder. 

You know, this is the kind of thing that LLL turns me off about. They stress that mother and nursling should never, ever be separated. However, a spirited 2 year old with two loving parents will not be "broken" if one parent leaves to get 48 hours of continuous rest. I think the Op has tried a lot of approaches here and her sanity is slipping. I stand by the idea that a retreat... just for a Saturday and Sunday could be the best thing for both mother and child here.

Actually, my daughter does the spend the occasional night away with grandparents and has absolutely no separation issues whatsoever, though you would think a kid with such a high attachment to nursing would have major problems being away from her mom. Can you believe that she's a complete angel for everyone but her parents? 

Can 2 year olds have split personalities? Sometimes I wonder...

[D_McG]

great job - keep it up!  90% of the work was in my attitude, IME.  Really kids are very adaptable and if I took nursing off the table as an option, most of the time then we both just learned new and better ways to relate.  I'm sure you will, too.

[CheriK]

Originally Posted by philomom 

You know, this is the kind of thing that LLL turns me off about. They stress that mother and nursling should never, ever be separated. However, a spirited 2 year old with two loving parents will not be "broken" if one parent leaves to get 48 hours of continuous rest. I think the Op has tried a lot of approaches here and her sanity is slipping. I stand by the idea that a retreat... just for a Saturday and Sunday could be the best thing for both mother and child here.

Actually, my daughter does the spend the occasional night away with grandparents and has absolutely no separation issues whatsoever, though you would think a kid with such a high attachment to nursing would have major problems being away from her mom. Can you believe that she's a complete angel for everyone but her parents? 

Can 2 year olds have split personalities? Sometimes I wonder...

This hasn't been my experience with LLL at all (and I credit LLL with saving my breastfeeding relationship, my sanity, and my ability to mother in the way I want, so my experience is probably different than philmom's).  They do stress the importance for an infant to form a strong attachment with a primary caregiver.  For a breastfeeding baby, this is mom because no one else has the boobs ;-)  This is well supported by research on child development and attachment theory.  They're not talking about toddlers or even older babies.  I think there is a lot of support through LLL for moms who DON'T want to be separated from their nurslings, because our society in general sends the opposite message (you HAVE to go back to work, get out on "date nights" right away, go away w/ your spouse for a weekend ASAP), so that might come across as the loudest message because it's what many moms who contact LLL need to hear - there is another option and it's okay and normal to NOT want to leave your infant.

Yes, they definitely have split personalities!  My children do/did the same thing.   DD who is incredibly spirited, nursed every hour as an infant and "like a newborn" as a toddler, started spending overnights at Gma's and Gpa's at about 2 1/2.  She adored it - being the center of attention, not having to share with her twin brother.  And she was always a perfect angel.  My MIL used to make really rude comments, "She was just wonderful until YOU got here."  It actually bothered me a lot until I realized that it is about that attachment.  She loves and feels safe with G'ma, but it's not the same as her degree of comfort with Mom.  So she feels safe in having a tantrum and letting out all those strong emotions when Mom is around, but not so much with Gma.  We also started preschool at about the same time, because I needed the break.  Again, she loved being a "big girl". 

AirMiami, you sound so much more positive!  It sound like it's really helped to set in your own mind what you need.  Kids definitely sense when we're on the fence about something & when nursing feels like all or nothing, then it's easily going to become intolerable for Mom.  Limits are a good thing!  Have you read "Raising Your Spirited Child"?    A lot of it focuses on older children, but it has good ideas for coping.