Scary Movie in the Carpool

[Agatha_Ann]

My daughter and two other girls from our general area are on a gymnastics team in the next state over. The mothers and I have a carpool, so we don't all have to drive that far all the time. The other two girls in the carpool are 10, my daughter just turned 8 this week. She is the youngest on the team too, but neither place have been an issue.

So last night, she got home, had dinner and a shower and got ready for bed pretty normal. When I was tucking her in though she told me they had watched Jurassic Park in the car on the way home and she was really scared. She has had nightmares about T-Rex's since she was old enough to tell me about them. It's pretty much the only thing she is afraid of, even though she knows they are in no way a threat to her. We talked about it for awhile, and we ended up having a siblings sleepover where they all made a giant bed in the boys room on the floor. We don't have school on Fridays here so she is home and hasn't mentioned it today.

Now I am struggling trying to decide if I should say or do anything. Only one of the moms has a DVD player in her car and they always use it on her days, but it's never been a PG-13 movie or anything even close to scary. Would you say something to the mom? Maybe send DVDs "for more variety"? I don't want to embarrass DD and I don't want to make rules for the other mother either. Any suggestions?

I am feeling guilty today because yesterday when she was packing her gym bag she wanted to bring a flashlight to read with on the way home and I said no because I was afraid the light would be unsafe for the driver. Now I wish she had read her book

[ssh]

The other mom probably had no idea the movie wasn't appropriate for your DD. If you trust the other mom not to say anything you could tell her that your DD finds Jurassic Park movies too scary. There are 3 of them and if you don't say anything they could watch the others. I think the other two movies are scarier than the first one.

[Smokering]

I'm a bit surprised she'd show that to an eight-year-old without consulting you! Sure, a lot of people don't seem to find it scary, but it is MEANT to be scary, and plenty of people - *ahem* me - find it very creepy indeed. Heck, I still wouldn't watch it by myself. :p How come your DD didn't speak up, if she's always been afraid of T-rexes? Too shy? I'd probably mention it to the other mother - maybe offer to provide some DVDs yourself, so it doesn't come across as critical.

[Agatha_Ann]

Originally Posted by Smokering 

I'm a bit surprised she'd show that to an eight-year-old without consulting you! Sure, a lot of people don't seem to find it scary, but it is MEANT to be scary, and plenty of people - *ahem* me - find it very creepy indeed. Heck, I still wouldn't watch it by myself. :p How come your DD didn't speak up, if she's always been afraid of T-rexes? Too shy? I'd probably mention it to the other mother - maybe offer to provide some DVDs yourself, so it doesn't come across as critical.

I'm glad you think it's scary too  I was trying to figure out if I would think it was a scary movie if I didn't have a child who was scared of a T-rex. We actually own the movie, BIL showed it to my oldest at one point and he thinks its the best movie ever in the world. I think it's a good movie (and book!) too, but I remember seeing it with my girlfriends in the theater and being scared.

She is super shy around other adults that aren't family. Both other moms have told me that they will now and then say, "Are you still back there?" Because she just doesn't really talk all that much. She seems to be opening up a little more since she is around them so much, but I don't think she would feel comfortable saying something like that just yet.

[sapphire_chan]

That movie didn't scared as a kid, but I never saw the whole thing straight through just bits and pieces out of order and a lot older than your dd. Even at 12 or so, I could tell I wouldn't be able to handle the whole movie in order with all the suspense included.

My guess is that the other mom had watched it with her kids the first few times they saw it and did stuff like hugs and talking through and sending them to the kitchen for popcorn and so forth, and so now her kids don't have any surprises with the movie so it isn't scary.

If she's a good person, she'll be apologetic when you let her know and will check on the movie choice before her next turn driving.

And, of course, you'll check on the movie choice you make with her before driving her kids.

[Momsteader]

Does your daughter know to ask about ratings on movies? And if they might be scary or violent? My kids have always known to from a young age, and will speak up if they don't think they ought to watch.  Your dd might know, but may have been afraid to speak up in front of the older girls.

The mom probably didn't even think about it being inappropriate. I would definitely mention it in a non-confrontational way. Offering to send some videos they all might like is a good choice too.  

Sorry your dd was frightened :( I was about that age and watched a scary movie! I've realized I am NOT a scary movie person and I still don't watch them!!! LOL

[Agatha_Ann]

I just visited with my DD about it a little bit, I asked her why she didn't want to say it was too scary and she said because she is shy, which I guessed. I asked if the other girls have seen it before or if they were scared and she said A and H weren't scared, but N was. N is H's 4 year old sister! So apparently this isn't just an age appropriate deal, but different standards in different families. The strangest part is N and H's mom is the one who was driving! Why didn't little N say something to her mom?

I think I will offer to send some movies. This mom only drives on Thursday nights. I have Mondays and the other mom does Tuesday and Wednesday. Thanks for the support mamas.

[onlyzombiecat]

Well, you could ask the mom not to put in anything that is pg-13 while your 8 year old dd is in the car anymore. It's a perfectly reasonable request because she is caring for your 8 year old child in your absence and there are lots of pg movies they could watch together. If you were driving her child or had her child at your home then I'm sure you'd respect a similar request without any problem. You could also let her know what movies she has shown that your dd liked.

You could offer to send movies but I think that could come off more critical of her than just saying "pg movies only please". If you did that you might say, "dd wanted to share some of her favorite movies with the other girls. Is it okay to send one with her?"

You could tell the mom outright that your dd is pretty scared of dinosaurs and ask her to just not show movies with dinosaurs while your dd is there.

You could talk to your dd about how she can and should say something is bothering her. Maybe roleplay the situation.

You could always drive your dd instead of using the carpool.

[rush2ady]

I think you should say something to the other mom.  I would've loved if my mom had ever cared enough to say something to adults who had upset/scared me (even if unintentional).  Sometimes a child appreciates feeling stood up for, I don't think it will embarrass her if handled politely.  The mom just sounds a little clueless about the sensitivity of children.  Clue her in :)

Originally Posted by Agatha_Ann 

Now I am struggling trying to decide if I should say or do anything. Only one of the moms has a DVD player in her car and they always use it on her days, but it's never been a PG-13 movie or anything even close to scary. Would you say something to the mom? Maybe send DVDs "for more variety"? I don't want to embarrass DD and I don't want to make rules for the other mother either. Any suggestions?

[Super~Single~Mama]

If you're worried about embarassing your dd, say something out of her earshot.  Something like, "You know, I didn't even think to mention it, but dd has always had terrible nightmares about dinosaurs, would it be ok if she brought along some movies to watch occassionally?  Can we make sure nothing scary is on in the car?"

If you make it "your" fault for not mentioning it, and offer to provide some movies to watch that maybe they don't have, it might be appreciated.

[Smokering]

I'm glad you think it's scary too  I was trying to figure out if I would think it was a scary movie if I didn't have a child who was scared of a T-rex. We actually own the movie, BIL showed it to my oldest at one point and he thinks its the best movie ever in the world. I think it's a good movie (and book!) too, but I remember seeing it with my girlfriends in the theater and being scared.

Well, admittedly, I'm a wimp. :p I have a very vivid, visual imagination and an even-slightly-scary movie will produce a fertile crop of nightmares that might last for years. I still have raptor nightmares every now and then! Strangely, I loved the book as a teenager and would read it every night without problems.

Anyway, you can't deny that it's supposed to be scary - it's full of jump shots and atmospheric lighting and scary music and chase scenes! Not to mention the odd severed body part. And that scene with the raptors in the kitchen. So I'd have thought the average mother would have at least suspected that an eight-year-old (not to mention a four-year-old!) might find it scary.

[musikat]

For my son's 8th birthday a year ago he wanted a Harry Potter theme and wanted to watch the movies. Now he and his brother (6 at the time) have seen all of them, including the PG-13 ones, but I knew there would be parents that would object to that and made him stick with just the first one for the party. And indeed there were parents who said they didn't want their kids watching the later ("darker") ones.

All that is to say I think it is perfectly appropriate for you to request that the mom not show any PG-13 movies to your daughter at her age. And Jurassic Park is one I have never had the courage to watch and have never let my son watch, even though he begged me (he was a little younger then and super into dinosaurs). I think I might let him now, at age 9 and with several PG-13 movies under his belt, but I can't imagine letting my almost 4YO, who is starting to get into dinosaurs, watch it. It would give him nightmares for months!

[sapphire_chan]

I'd also ask your dd if anyone said anything about the movie. Cause with her letting her 4 year old watch, I'd be worried that the mom has been dismissive of fears.

[MJB]

My 8 and 5 yr. olds have seen Jurassic Park and weren't scared, and honestly, I don't think I'd have thought twice (before this thread) about showing it to 8-10 yr. olds. But I also would have no problem with a parent asking for their kids to only see G-rated movies (and I have a friend who has done so for her kids who are the same ages as mine). 

I also think you should encourage your daughter to speak up if she is uncomfortable with a movie or anything else. The older she gets, the less you're going to be able to do it for her. 

[mamatoablessing]

Originally Posted by MJB 

My 8 and 5 yr. olds have seen Jurassic Park and weren't scared, and honestly, I don't think I'd have thought twice (before this thread) about showing it to 8-10 yr. olds. But I also would have no problem with a parent asking for their kids to only see G-rated movies (and I have a friend who has done so for her kids who are the same ages as mine). 

I also think you should encourage your daughter to speak up if she is uncomfortable with a movie or anything else. The older she gets, the less you're going to be able to do it for her. 

Ditto.  I actually just watched that movie with my 4 1/2 yo today.  Now granted, she is pretty fearless about everything.  I also warned her when the scary parts were coming and told her exactly what was happening and reminded her that it was just pretend.  But if your daughter has always had a fear of dinosaurs, I would certainly say something to the mom.  I think it's a very reasonable request.  As an adult, I can see that there are some things I forget might be scary for a little one.  Especially if my kids are desensitzied to it already.
 

[Forthwith]

Originally Posted by mamatoablessing 

Originally Posted by MJB 

My 8 and 5 yr. olds have seen Jurassic Park and weren't scared, and honestly, I don't think I'd have thought twice (before this thread) about showing it to 8-10 yr. olds. But I also would have no problem with a parent asking for their kids to only see G-rated movies (and I have a friend who has done so for her kids who are the same ages as mine). 

I also think you should encourage your daughter to speak up if she is uncomfortable with a movie or anything else. The older she gets, the less you're going to be able to do it for her. 

Ditto.  I actually just watched that movie with my 4 1/2 yo today.  Now granted, she is pretty fearless about everything.  I also warned her when the scary parts were coming and told her exactly what was happening and reminded her that it was just pretend.  But if your daughter has always had a fear of dinosaurs, I would certainly say something to the mom.  I think it's a very reasonable request.  As an adult, I can see that there are some things I forget might be scary for a little one.  Especially if my kids are desensitzied to it already.
 

You guys have brave kids!  I was scared silly when I saw it at 13!
 

[philomom]

I honestly would never expose other people's kids to violent images at that  age. I'd be livid with this person. How dare she!

[Cascadian]

I wouldn't have thought twice about that movie for an 8 year old I find that especially if you have an older child, the younger ones tend to 'go along' with pushing the scariness bar upwards. I totally get your DD's issue, though...my 7 yr old DD has a friend who is incredibly emotional - hysterical even - about movies. She couldn't watch, for example, Diary of a Wimpy Kid as the drama was too much for her, or even a Charlie Brown special (I think the Great Pumpkin). We don't have her over for movies ever - my DD is into Harry Potter and Indiana Jones. We have talks about it beforehand, about the actors, the CGI, the make believe.

I wouldn't be offended if you asked me not to show your DD something. The one time I rented a movie (a musical) for the above friend, I texted mom first.

[SubliminalDarkness]

Honestly, Jurassic Park isn't a movie that would worry me about showing to kids. I probably wouldn't show it to other people's kids just because I'm super conscious of stuff like that and I wouldn't want to step on any toes. But I wouldn't hesitate to show the movie to my 8 and 4 year olds. 

I'd say something to the mom. Just let her know. She probably had no idea. 

[eepster]

When you talk to the other mom, make sure it's private and that she won't say anything to the other girls.  If the other girls found out your DD was scared, it might lead to teasing.