Why does everything have to happen all at once??

[Chamomile Girl]

I don't know if this is a vent, a plea, or what. It will probably be long and a bit all over the place, so I apologize in advance.

I am hugely frustrated and annoyed pretty much all the time lately. I need to figure out how to get past these emotions and try and reach a more constructive place. But its hard to do when there is so much coming down to pipeline as it were. This last week has been a doozy, and things sort of came to a head last night when DH and I got into an argument. Mean things were said (by me mostly).

First off there is my job situation (or lack thereof). I am currently a SAHM but only by default since I am unemployed. We moved to our current town because my DH got a job here (his dream job really) and since it was right about the same time as the economy tanked I have had no luck finding a teaching job (in California no less...where teachers are being fired more than hired). We moved in when DS was two months old and so living here has been one huge adjustment in terms of logistics, work-life balance, identity, community (lack thereof) etc.

I really, really need to find a job this year because my credential will lapse otherwise. Also because being a SAHM drives me batty; I am not good at being cooped up all day with a toddler and I am bored out of my lonely isolated mind. DH has been at his job long enough to get into a pretty good groove, and so I really need him behind me 100% in my job search. The last teaching job I had was at a school I loved, teaching students I loved, and with colleagues I loved. It was wonderful, but I left that job to follow DH across the country for his job (which was only a one year position, but a great stepping stone) which worked out great for him but obviously not for me. That school is currently hiring again as is another beautiful brand new school in the district with the same teaching philosophy. I left the district on great terms and have many friends there (plus the exact skill set they are looking for) and I think I could probably land one of those positions. But the school is 75 miles away from where we are currently living and with good traffic it takes an hour fifteen to get there.

Which means we would have to move to a more central location.

DH doesn't want to move (why would he, since he works literally across the street from where we live now?). The very thought wiggs him right out. But he won't talk to me about it and he won't sit down with me and try to come up with a compromise or a plan or anything. He just doesn't want to deal, which leaves me in limbo about applying for this job. I can't force him to like it, but I do think that I am worth the respect of acknowledging that my finding a job is important enough that some inconvenience might be necessary (especially after I left a job and moved to Nebraska with you dude!! Seriously, its my turn!).

Hopefully this will end up being a moot point and there will be lots of great teaching jobs closer to home that will be clamoring all over each other for my brilliance and expertise.

So that is one thing.

His all-around lack of communication is the other major issue.

My DH is not introspective at all, and he thinks my probing him for what he feels about stuff is just my attempts to tell him he is wrong or control him or something. I am totally fed up with each of us living in our own sphere and sort of rotating around one another. I want to be able to face life with him as his partner, but how can I do that when he is not open with me about anything? He approaches everything academically; everything is information for analysis, he doesn't own anything. As a result he gets stressed out all the time (over really strange stuff IMO) and can't deal with it, because he can't/won't process it. And then he is a cranky zombie to live with. Once he reaches that place everyday life becomes too much stress for him (ie. teaching his classes, doing the dishes, thinking about anything outside of what he absolutely has to).

This last week he has had a lot to process. His dad ended up in the hospital with a head injury, I sprung the job talk on him, and I told him I was applying for early intervention for DS's lack of speech. As a result he has pretty much completely shut down, which leaves me annoyed, frustrated and angry. Because this is what always happens during life's transitions and I am left either having to do it all myself, or left with out any support so I do nothing. I am soooooo tired of having no emotional support. Its especially hard now because I feel like I am in such a vulnerable position in regards to being the dominant caregiver for everyone and everything in this house while I am trying to make things happen for myself. I don't know if I have the emotional strength to go out and find a job without his support. I already feel stretched pretty thin. I had so much more energy before motherhood, that his introversion didn't used to matter as much.

So, yeah, thanks if you have read this far. I don't even know what I am really asking for. Maybe a way to get my mojo back, or maybe tips on how to live life to the fullest when your spouse has no interest in doing so. I don't know.

[annethcz]

I only have a minute, but I didn't want to read and not respond.

First off, I think you should apply for the job you want.  Interview for it, and see how it goes.  If you end up being offered the job, you don't have to take the job. 

Second, how urgent is your job situation currently?  Are you applying and interviewing for positions that are currently open, or are you thinking about next school year?  If it's not until next school year, perhaps it's best to just take a step back and wait for a bit.  Yes, an hour+ commute each way would suck, but it's all just supposition at this point and I can understand why your DH wouldn't want to worry about the commute to a possible job now, when it's all theoretical anyway. 

One thing at a time.  I think that piling on everything at once has made your current situation sound much more trying than it really is.  Deal with your FIL, then with your DS, then make a plan for yourself.  At least around here, we're not interviewing for open teaching slots for the fall yet (actually at my school if we're able to hire someone new we wouldn't be doing that until the late summer!)

[Snapdragon]

I think you should apply for the job also! then if you get it you will have a much stronger place to negotiate from. It sounds like a really hard situation with your dh checking out and your own source of power that you were used to (
friends, work, co workers, an inspiring job, making your own money ) all not happening right now- so if you have a good chance at the job then I would say go for it- and maybe it will bring some balance back.

But were you saying that you feel too overwhelmed to even apply w-out your dh being emotionally supportive of it? I can understand how you feel overwhelmed- but from how you describe it, he may not jump up any time soon to offer his support- so if you can find a way to go for the job anyway, I think you should do it. ETA I meant if you can find a way to apply for the job- go for it. then if you get it, then you and dh can together figure out how to manage it, and if you should move.

[crazyms]

An hour commute is a long one but I agree that it's only a *possibility* right now. I would apply for the job or at least look for other jobs to apply for if that interests you. I can understand how hard it is to be at home especially when you aren't use to it and aren't around family/friends. Is it really all about you getting a job or is there anything else that would make you happy? If getting a job is what you want and need then start looking and applying! I would consider though if there was any other way to help you get back your mojo and make the situation better. Is there a night course somewhere you can take? (Maybe even a crafting course or something of the kind. I've seen local churches offer knitting groups and things like that) Are there activities, playgroups or something that you can get involved in and get out with ds? Maybe look into some kind of activity just for you, maybe even just arranging it with dh that you get Tuesday nights alone to go get a latte and relax or go to the library if it's open after he gets home, something like that. I know for me it helps to have something to keep me entertained. It doesn't have to be a job but some 'project' or something to keep me going.

[Chamomile Girl]

Thank you for your replies, and sorry it took me so long to reply. DH/DS-free time has been mighty scarce around here lately.

Here's the thing: If I apply for the job and get it and then receive any sort of resistance from DH about the situation I will go ballistic. By that point I will be too invested in the situation to be able to handle his reluctance. Not to mention that I see the very fact that he is not throwing his support behind me 100% to mean that he somehow sees my career/job path as being less important than his. Which is crap, and makes me really mad. The only reason I made the job sacrifices I did for him was that he is in a field where finding stable employment is extremely difficult, and job searches are nation wide (actually world wide really). If you get a job in Timbuktu then you take it darn it, because its a bloody tenure track job. So the game plan was that we would move to wherever he got work and then I would find a job there. (This is actually one big reason I did not pursue a PhD, but instead got a teaching credential. We were in the same graduate program and I saw how stressful and impossible it was for academic couples to find tenure-track jobs together).

Unfortunately with the double wallop of the economy and the timing of DS's birth that didn't happen. And now his focus is all on his stuff because the current situation works pretty well for him. I mean, he gets stressed out that we don't (at this rate, won't ever) have enough money, but everything else seems to be set up pretty well for him: He works across the street, he has dependable child care, he gets warm home cooked meals, he has lots of time by himself to work on his stuff without interference (although he has the usual academic malady of thinking its never enough). In my way of seeing things he pretty much has it all, and I've been pretty much shafted as a result, and its making me very bitter.

I certainly do plan on looking closer to home as well, and would love to find a more local job. Teaching adds come out in March usually for the next academic year, so I have about a month to iron this all out. The reason I know that the school 75 miles away will be hiring is that they are adding another grade next year so they will need two, possibly three new history teachers. These positions have not yet been posted.

And finally, the main reason I need a job is for my own happiness and sanity (and fulfillment) and a hobby or class on the side is not going to cut it. The other reason is that we will never, ever be able to pay off my student loans if I am not working. The plan is to try and put all extra disposable income towards those loans in hopes that someday we will have lifted our debt load enough to be able to own a house (in one of the most expensive housing markets in the country no less ). Of course the other issue with having to commute so far to work is that the disposable income will be greatly decreased if any is left at all, but in the long view this would be worth it to be able to keep my skills current I think.

FIL is home recovering and we will be flying out to visit them in March (at the expense of being able to visit my family but that's a whole other post), so DH's mind is more rested with that. DS has his early intervention assessment appointment on Thursday and so that is still on the table. Even with the resolution of these things pending or completed, DH has shown no more interest in talking about this year's job search.