second best at the moment

[Karrie42]

This morning my wonderful 3 year old son came up to me with the sweetest look, came up close to my face and said "mama, I love you."  Then waited a beat to add "but I love nana the best."  Now, I'm okay with this.  And I *know* its developmentally okay.  But lately its been non-stop and its starting to drive me a wee bit batty.  Every evening this week he asks when he will see nana next.  And much of the day is filled with "nana this" and "nana that."

He is a crazy secure little guy (breastfed and worn almost non stop for his first 2.5 years).  I went back to work part-time when he was 2 and he went to the university day-care for 3 days a week.  And then this September my mom became available to watch him and now he is with her for those 3 days.  And nana really does rock.  They make meals together, garden, read, dance, play all day and have a wonderful time.  So I get it.

But it still stings a bit. 

Anyone else had an experience of being second best?

[Thandiwe]

((hugs))  Sounds like you guys have gone through a lot of changes lately, and they are probably really affecting both of you!!    I haven't gone through exactly what you're going through, but I did have one idea.  Perhaps, in viewing it from his side, he is feeling a struggle between allegiance?  I mean, he loves you as mom, but now grandma, who really fits the bill, is playing mom (just in physical needs, I know) a few days a week, and he's probably just really confused.  Maybe he's testing the waters with you?  Almost, without consciously doing it, trying to see what your response will be? 

I know this is painful, but have you considered just letting go and embracing his feelings every time they come up?  And I mean, truly embracing them, because kids are really, really perceptive to the under emotions we feel.  Have you considered just letting loose and going, "Yeah, she is awesome!  I am sooooooo glad she is there for you when I can't be!  I know how much she loves you!"  And really mean it, too.

It sounds like he is having some confusion and sadness, IMHO.    I imagine this is really tough for both of you.

[Karrie42]

Thanks for your kind word and hugs, Thandiwe!  Its interesting because I actually didn't feel too emotional writing the post and was just looking for some normalizing "yep, my kiddo does that too" comments.  But then reading your words I found myself feeling sad about not being able to be the one home with him all the time.  I really miss him during those days! And your post reminded me to acknowledge that.

As to the response to him we are on the same page because that is about exactly what I say!  :-)  And I really am glad he has such a close relationship with my mom.  He is a very loved and lucky kiddo.  But I'm a little sad and I guess a bit jealous as well. 

Thanks again.

[Snowflake777]

I think it's very normal. Also, I wouldn't interpret his words as meaning that he truly loves her more. I would see it as his 3 year old way of expressing that he does lots of fun stuff with her. I think it's a safe bet that he's a bit more "spoiled" (I mean that in a positive sense) with nana than he is with his parents. When it comes down to it though, mum & dad will still be #1.

[K1329]

My ds (4) will say the same thing - I like grandma to pick me up best. Like you, I work part time, a couple days a week, and grandma picks him up from preschool on those days. Also, like you, it doesn't bother me. I'm glad he's forged a strong relationship with another family member and don't take offense to the comments. Just be glad he feels safe and happy while you're away.

[ecoteat]

When I started reading the op I wondered if I had posted this and forgot! DD has been saying that a lot lately. We'll be going to visit the extended family (incl. grandparents) in a couple weeks and she's pretty excited. She's been trying to quantify how much she loves people, which is hilarious. She'll say things like "I love you 17 million. I love dada 16 million. But I love nana 500 trillion!" Then the next day she loves everyone 32 (which is still a lot in her head!).

It doesn't bother me. There's that whole absence makes the heart grow fonder bit that I think has a lot to do with dd's love for nana. And then when they are together they have SO much fun. But after a few days, dd is feeling off-balance and is craving mama-time. Last time MIL came to visit, the last day was rough. DD wanted to play with her so badly, but she hadn't spent much time with me that week and she was cranky and miserable until we were able to have some quiet snuggly reading time together--just the two of us. So while I know MIL is very special to her (yay!) I also know that MIL is not Mama, which seems to trump all.