I don't know where to begin

[InsideOut]

I've finally taken the first step and I'm selling my house that I share with DSs father. We were a couple but now just share living space. He's been abusive in every way but deep down he's really just that little kid who grew up in an abusive home and doesn't know how to express himself or make the right decisions. I feel bad for him but I need to move on.

I guess I'm just posting because I can't believe I'm here. I'm smart, independent and all that good stuff yet I've been in an abusive relationship and long enough to have a child... how did I let things come to this???

Ex is going to fight me all the way. DS is the only good thing in his life. DS is not even 7 mths and I've committed to breastfeeding him. Ex thinks it is more important for DS to spend time with him then for DS to have breastmilk. That's where things fall apart because I feel the most important thing at this point is for DS to be as close to me as possible to facilitate bfing. The longterm health benefits trump EXTRA time with ex. I do pump but I'm away during the day and as of now cannot pump enough to accommodate ex's desire to be with DS all the time. This is a side issue but very important to me.

Ex's mother has become very involved, she thinks her right to see DS is more important than DS being with me and breastfed. We are doing BLWing but hardly anything is digested at this point.

I just know that the worst is yet to come and I'm bracing for it but I've got so many other things on my plate (like so many other things) that I just can't imagine adding this to it. Ex has resorted to saying things like "Is Mommy touching you inappropriately?" and threatening to call children's services on me.

How do you all do it? How have you done it?

I don't intend on keeping DS from ex but this is crazy! How do I get myself out of this situation? I am worried about ex's influence on DS and ex's mother's desire to feed babies icing just for a treat and coming over with eye infections, etc. We have different philosophies on life and I want MY son to be raised a certain way. How do I come to terms with all of this. I'm just overwhelmed.

[MariesMama]

:hug

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  What a mess.  Can you move out now, or have your ex move out?  Whose name is the house in?

That said, focus on you and your LO, and take one day at a time.  It's not your place to deal with your ex's mother.  If she wants visitation, she can speak with ex.  When you are living apart, she can see your LO on HIS time.  You don't have to make a visitation agreement with her. 

How much time does your ex spend with LO now?  Document everything, but know that once you are living apart, it often becomes an "out of sight, out of mind" issue.  Your ex may think that he's going to spend every waking minute with LO, but once you aren't there to pick up the slack, it may just taper off. 

I was so wound up about visitation issues with my ex, but when it came down to it, he would forget to call for weeks at a time.  He only lived a few blocks from me.  He now hasn't seen DD in two years.

I'm not trying to be all rainbows and unicorns here, I just want to reassure you that it might not end up being that bad once you aren't enmeshed and living together.  But document EVERYTHING for now, just to be prepared.

[InsideOut]

Thank you for responding.

I've been making a lot of plans and have actioned a few of them already. The house is up for sale, I've moved all of my important things out of the house (my belongings get destroyed during arguments), and I've got the custody papers ready to be filled out.

I'm sorry that things have come to this point but I know that this is his doing and I am not responsible for his actions. I need to take care of myself and my son. I did document the latest episode but what do you mean by document everything? I'm wondering about a few things in particular, is it of use to document that he chooses to be out all night - as if parenting stops when the sun goes down - and things of that nature. I'm thinking it may or may not be important information if things turn ugly and we need to settle in court.

And what you've said about visitation was really helpful for me because I can see already that he's too selfish to be there for his son on a regular basis. My worry is that he will push to have DS spend time with him only to leave DS with his mother. It makes me so angry to think that I would miss out on time with DS and he would not even be with his father.

Thanks again for the response. I have so much to think about and so much to do. It was a relief to see a response.

[StephandOwen]

Document EVERYTHING. Every time he sees ds and for how long, every time he says he's going to see ds but doesn't show, anything inappropriate he says to ds (seriously? Asking a 7mo if his mama is touching him inappropriately??). Document when he goes out for the night (who does nighttime parenting) in case he tries to get overnight visits. If you can get him to put things in writing (email him asking if he's going to see ds at a specific time and when he emails back print it out), do it.

None of this might be useful in court, or it might be the key piece of evidence a judge needs to rule in your favor. I've been documenting for 7 years. It has come in handy more than once.

Good luck!

[MissLotus]

How stressful, I'm sorry.  Have you sought legal advice?  That is your first necessity.  Don't just fill out custody papers - it is of utmost importance that you have a lawyer in your corner.  Consult with more than one if you don't feel that they'll fight for you - "shop around" the way you would with a doctor, or pediatrician for your child.  It's important. 

What is also important is to be able to document that you are the primary caregiver.  That you are willing to facilitate a relationship between your child and his father, but that you want to continue the stability that your child known with you.  I wouldn't even respond to the stuff about your ex's mother.  Your lawyer will help you to create a nice little clause in your visitation/custody agreement called "right of first refusal", meaning that if your child is not in your ex's care during their visitation time, YOU have the right to care for your child - not your ex's mother or anyone else.  Let a lawyer deal with that stuff; don't tie yourself up in knots dealing with impossible people.  Right now you are feeling ganged up on by ex and his mother, but knowledge is protection, so arm yourself with it!  Get thee to a lawyer.