how to put uncond. parenting into practice with 32 mo. old...HELP!

[colleentara]

I am having a super tough time right now! My 32 month old son is too... he's going through a huge adjustment with a new little brother (7 weeks) and a recent move (about 3 weeks ago). We have been working hard to make sure that he is getting special love/attention and support. I thought he was doing better-- and he is in some ways-- He is sleeping better.

I am not. I'm sleep deprived (b/c the infant has gassy, thrashing nights) and my patience is compromised because of it.

I've been reading *Unconditional Parenting* and am trying to practice it...but I'm needing some methods to deal with specific issues. For example-- when DS is hitting everything and everybody with his little car? When he kicks constantly during diaper changes? I guess it's mostly these aggressive behaviors that push my buttons and are also dangerous...but he also battles every little thing. I am practicing things like-- giving lots of choices, reconsidering my requests, turning it all into a game...laughing, etc. 

I'm crying daily. I have to take a lot of time outs for myself. Today I was such a bad mom b/c when DS kicked  me and hit me with a toy during a diaper change, I actually took the toy from his hand and threw it! I know...horrible! I did explain my feelings to DS and apologize...but I'm really beating myself up about it. Normally if he's doing this I just don't change the diaper, but he was supposed to be going down for a nap and needed one on. In the past I've bribed him with a little 'treat' to occupy him during the change, but I'm trying to avoid that....since it is a reward and I do agree with Kohn's arguments in the book. What do I do?

In the book he talks about 'no threats' and of course no punishments....but what do I do with the aggressive behavior? I have to take the car away if he's going to hit me and the baby with it...? 

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm feeling desperate and really could use some of your wisdom!

[pianojazzgirl]

Ok, I feel like an idiot because I've read that book but it was years ago when my 2nd dc was around the same age as your babe and I remember it only foggily!  So I don't think I'm the best person to be answering your questions.  But I did want to post and say be gentle with yourself mama.  The early days of mothering 2 can be tough stuff.  Sleep is lacking, patience is running thin, you feel pulled in too many directions at once.  You acted in a way that you don't want to repeat.  You realized that and you apologized.  Now let it be in the past.  Holding onto guilt won't do any good.  And, if it makes you feel any better, I will stand up and admit to more than a couple mama tantrums when I was past my breaking point.... and I'm sure I'm not the only one!

Now, from the POV of a mama who can barely remember the book (so take this for what it's worth), I will say that if one of my kids is hitting everything in sight with something, and I've tried talking, redirecting, "honouring the impulse", trying to help them understand and articulate what's "behind" the hitting, etc, etc, then I will certainly put said object up and out of the way until kiddo's calmed down/in a different frame of mind and is ready to play with it without bashing us with it.  AND, if I, someone else (my other dc likely) or something in our house was in immediate danger of getting hurt I would FIRST physically intervene (be that remove object from kiddo, gather kiddo in for a hug so they can't rampage with the hitting car, gently hold their hand, etc), THEN try to see if we can resolve the issue without having to take the object away.  Not sure what Alfie would have to say about that, but there ya go!

[oaktreemama]

  I actually took the toy from his hand and threw it! I know...horrible! I did explain my feelings to DS and apologize...but I'm really beating myself up about it. Normally if he's doing this I just don't change the diaper, but he was supposed to be going down for a nap and needed one on. In the past I've bribed him with a little 'treat' to occupy him during the change, but I'm trying to avoid that....since it is a reward and I do agree with Kohn's arguments in the book. What do I do?

In the book he talks about 'no threats' and of course no punishments....but what do I do with the aggressive behavior? I have to take the car away if he's going to hit me and the baby with it...? 

It wasn't horrible at all. You didn't throw it at him. Sounds like your son hasn't read the book!! I am not really a fan of a lot of the ideas in Unconditional Parenting. I think some of it is good and helped me think of better ways of handling some facets of discipline but overall I found other books more beneficial. I think AK is more theoretical than helpful when it comes to actually living with and disciplining children.

If it isn't working for you, read something else that resonates more. "Playful Parenting" is good.

[mnj77]

Originally Posted by colleentara 

Today I was such a bad mom b/c when DS kicked  me and hit me with a toy during a diaper change, I actually took the toy from his hand and threw it! I know...horrible! 

I certainly would not call that horrible or being a "bad mom!"  As hard as we all try to be calm, sometimes when a little someone is pushing your buttons all day it's not going to scar them permanently to see that it makes you angry.  Sometimes we tell kids to hit a pillow if they're mad - I think throwing the toy is a pretty similar coping mechanism.  You need to honor your impulses sometimes too :)  I like Alfie, but like a pp said, sometimes his advice comes straight from an ivory tower where real toddlers do not reside.

[Tjej]

I only watched the DVD from the library, but from what I remember, Unconditional parenting is more of something that would work with a rational school-aged child.  Toddlers are just not as reasonable as kids. 

For the diapers - can he potty learn?  I know you have enough going on right now, but if you are interested I did EC with my newborn and it really motivated my almost 2yo in potty learning.  We spent a lot of time in the bathroom for a while (a newborn and a toddler peeing/pooping different times all day), but hey, whatever.  The lighting is good in there and we'd bring books!

Tjej