Party Stress

[hakeber]

I don't know what it is like in the States, but here in Latin America it seems like the birthday party is a yard stick by which one measures the popularity of the kids and the social status of the family.  We have been to three of five birthday parties so far and they all seem to be these hyper choreographed events with actors hired to entertain and play characters and matching cakes and cups, and expensive gifts for all the invited guests, not to mention food and drink and parting gifts for their family members who all come along...it's a HUGE socializing affair every other week and at the last one at least four moms had their NANNIES there so they could kick back and enjoy the conversation with their friends at the country club.  And the last one was a Saturday afternoon outdoors...I had on jeans and a t shirt and my sneakers thinking it might actually be a casual affair as we were lead to believe by the hostess and all the other moms were done up to the nines...some had jeans, but with heels, and coiffed hair and professional make-up...

I feel so out of place.  Don't get me wrong, they are lovely parties and we are grateful to be included, and to have such generous parents in his class.  They really go all out and it is so nice to be included.  And they are just as sweet as can be, really. But I feel so disconnected.  I feel like I'm sitting in on a filming session of the Real Housewives of Bogota, and meanwhile I've probably got banana smeared somewhere on my clothes or in my hair and I'll be the butt of the table's joke when we finally leave. 

So next month is DS's 6th birthday and originally I was thinking of just having something at our apartment for his closest friends and the four of us and maybe a couple co-worker's families, inviting my friend who is a magician and a professional clown over to make some balloon animals with the kids and maybe teach them all a magic trick...now I am having serious anxiety, like flashbacks to being the nerdy kid no one wanted at their party and who sat waiting on the front steps until dusk for  no one to show up to her party sort of anxiety.  Apparently we are expected to invite the whole class of 25 kids and then some, and then we're expected to feed the kids and their parents and possibly their brothers and sisters, too.  And then there's the fact that no one here RSVPs, and so we might have 25 show up or we might have one...or none, and then what?  I just wish Easter would sync up with his birthday again so we could run away to the beach as a family and be done with it all.  I am freaked out...

I just want to make a fun cake, have pizza and soda for the kids and beer for us, with a few friends and some games and music.  I was even thinking of doing it in the park, picnic style...is that totally unacceptable?

I did not expect this to become so complicated nor fraught with so many emotional landmines. 

Should I give in and just splash out and get the pre-planned all inclusive party room at the nearest party salon du jour and just go along with the crowd and get my hair and nails done before the EVENT, or should I stick to my hippie guns and let my six year old pay the price in popularity points, but give him the gift of a model of integrity and courage?  And since when are birthday parties such defining moments of one's childhood?

GAH! 

[LiLStar]

Sounds like those fancy events were for adults to impress other adults with. I doubt the kids will care! If the weather is nice enough for a park, and you have pizza, soda, and cake the kids will be THRILLED! Get some fun outdoor toys to play with, see if you can organize the kids into a cooperative active game if they're interested. The kids will have a blast playing, the adults can sit back in lawn chairs chatting, and everyone will have a good time. Your son won't be a social outcast. The kids will probably like that style of party better than the black tie variety anyway.

[One_Girl]

There was no other option so I say other.  I think that if your son wants a party in the park or at home then you should do that, if not you should plan with him to make another party that fits in your budget.  My friend does a picnic in the park with food, sometimes potluck food, every year and it is always a blast.  Her son goes to a nice private school with a lot of parents who have a lot of money and do very extravagant parties but that isn't something that takes away from the fun of his parties.  We have been to many different types of parties both in homes and at places where a host takes care of everything and they have all been fun.  I think you should plan with your son so you make sure you are doing the party he will like while still fitting into your budget. 

I disagree with the statement that the parties are to impress other parents though.  I did a very nice and pricey party for my dd this year because she has always wanted a certain party with everyone from her class, she had talked about it for years, and now that I am working I was able to do it for her.  I was very hurt when a mom came and made snarky, passive-aggressive comments about the location and inviting everyone from the class because I saved up for six months so I could afford to give her this party that meant so much to her, my entire focus in the party planning process was what my dd wanted, and this woman made it her personal mission to take me down because she wasn't going to do that for her child.  Do the party you like and be a gracious guest when you are at other parties without assuming the worst of people.  We all love our kids here even if we do save and scrimp to throw them their dream party. 

[hakeber]

I am sure it was for the kids and not the parents (if it were for the parents I am sure there would have been at least wine or something, right?).

We are gracious guests, but it's hard to feel like you're the kind of guest they want at their party when you show up without a nanny, you haven't had your nails, hair or make up done since your wedding, the wait staff are more dressed up than you, and your gift to the birthday boy is less expensive than the party favors they send you home with. And they tell you it's a casual afternoon at the neighborhood park (AKA their gated community neighborhood country club).

I try to converse and get involved, but inevitably the conversation winds up around the best country club, or the most exclusive vacation spots, or better music teachers for their kids, or around TV shows I don't watch, and they just don't get the idea of not having money or time like that and I just sort of wind up feeling very alienated.

I know they mean well and I am sure they do not really judge me and I am displacing, but I can't help but feel a little lost in their world, ya know?

These are NOT people who scrimp and save, I assure you.  For them these really are super casual, no-fuss affairs, just thrown together at "the club".  For me they are huge events.  It's just a totally different lifestyle and it's taking me some getting used to.

[squimp]

I think you should be true to yourself.  You should have a party that you are comfortable with and invite the people you are comfortable with.  I would not try to keep up with people like that, I would find it very stressful and impossible.  It doesn't really sound to me like you are really friends with any of these people, and at your son's age I would still think that you should be comfortable with all the kids and families you invite.  IMO the best birthday parties are the ones that are inspired and fit with the kid's or the family's style.  

[Snowflake777]

Yikes! I got stressed out just reading this.

I wouldn't do it. It sounds like these are people who have the financial means to pay someone else to do it for them. If that's not the case for you, then don't. There's no sense going broke and stressing yourself out to keep up with them. I understand the temptation, but I think it's something that feels like a bigger deal to you than it will be to anyone else. I gather that you're a foreigner there? If so, you definitely a free pass to not follow the local traditions.

I think your son is at an age where he'll be happy with whatever you can throw together for him. That may change in a few years, but you can deal with that when you get to it.

[ElliesMomma]

Originally Posted by squimp 

I think you should be true to yourself.  You should have a party that you are comfortable with and invite the people you are comfortable with.  I would not try to keep up with people like that, I would find it very stressful and impossible.  It doesn't really sound to me like you are really friends with any of these people, and at your son's age I would still think that you should be comfortable with all the kids and families you invite.  IMO the best birthday parties are the ones that are inspired and fit with the kid's or the family's style.  

This.

read your own OP. you WANT the simple party in your apartment. you don't want to do what you don't want to do. so don't!

and, hard as it is, stop stressing about it. just smile at the others. be yourself. for all you know, they really do value the "diversity" of being around you. you are a breath of fresh air in their otherwise over-the-top, extravagant lifestyle. it takes ALL types to make up the world.

and i agree that the little ones don't care about money and things (not just yet, but it's coming). so enjoy the last of these magical times and have the simple 6 year old birthday party your family desires.

[hakeber]

Yeah...I think you're all right.  I spoke with DH and he said his friend's have a party space in their building with a playground just outside, and we can borrow it for free with tables and chairs for plenty of people, so we may do a sort of compromise of local culture and our own thing.  We don't want to leave people out if we can avoid it (especially since the moms clearly talk to one another), but then we won't be stuck for a bill of a few hundred dollars if all the invitees don't show up, or more if they show up with the whole family.  DH and I can run the games and I can make the food (that's honestly my FAVORITE part of having birthday parties is showing off my cake making and fun snack designing skills.) and our magician friend is going to come over and do some tricks...pinata, dancing, cake...It's gonna be great, right?

I hope they all come...I think some will.  Our good friends will come though, so that's good.

DS is so excited, he can barely contain himself.  I really LOVE thowing birthday parties.  Who knows, maybe people will like my party so much they'll hire me to throw their next one. LOL